Self hate

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Andrea Cantu, Jul 5, 2015.

  1. Andrea Cantu

    Andrea Cantu New Member

    Jul 5, 2015
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    Im feeling...


    So, Im 24. Lesbian. And I know my biggest issue is I can't accept that. On most days I wish I wasn't gay. Because this is too hard. I can't find anyone.......... but the worst part is even if I were to find someone to show me some interest I don't think I could do it. As selfish as this sounds, I just want a girl to want me back. Not that it'll solve anything but I feel crazy in my head. I was your typical young adult. Crazy drinker, party non stop. Then I decided to go back to school and I'm about to finish and getting myself ready to apply to grad school. This journey has been a bitch. But going back to school is the best decision I ever made. Outside of that....I feel like that'll be it for me. After I graduate then what? The truth is, I don't think id have time for a relationship but Im SO LONELY. Ive been with 1 girl my whole life and it was for about 5 years. I thought Id end up being with her forever. Took me forever to get over her and although I did come close to getting into another relationship with another female I got scared and pushed her away. I feel here. Stuck. My friends aren't in school so its hard for me to share anything school related with them because honestly school is all I do. I moved back in with my parents because my father got very sick and my mom needs my help. Which is fine, but I think its only adding to the chaos. I should also mention.......

    it took me forever to accept that I was gay. i think that was part of the reason my girlfriend and I broke up. Also, I used to be super fat and although the weight is gone Im still carrying the insecurity. Its heavy. Im pretty fit now and honestly I don't think Im bad looking......but I feel as though women look right through me. As if I will never be anything to anyone and I know I shouldn't think like this but I do. And it doesnt stop. And its exhausting.I can't live like this but I don't know where to start because Im scared. I know Im smart and Im dedicated. I lost 100+ pounds and Im constantly reminded of how great I am and how Im an inspiration but I don't see this getting me anywhere in a relationship. Im fun and artistic. I can sit here and tell you a million great things about myself but when a girl shows some sort of interest I begin thinking....what can this girl see in me? Im a loser. With no experience. And Im ugly and that positive list quickly turns into a negative one.

    I know this isn't healthy, but Im always hurting.
    The reason this was brought on was because some random girl offered to help tutor me when she overheard a friend and I speaking about how much i was hating a class. Just out of the blue, got her number and we met up. It was fun. She helped and that was that. But I really don't think she had any interest in me. Honestly I think she was straight. But the idea of her haunted me for a few days and it's been killing me since. I asked what she wanted in return and she just laughed and said she really wanted to just help. No strings attached and I was like....well people aren't usually just out of the blue nice and ready to help........

    I wish i wouldn't think like this, but I do and again, I can't stop it. She's beautiful and smart and very social from what she tells me. I have managed to become the complete opposite. like I said, I used to be the life of the party but I became this introvert that doesn't do much outside of school and I guess its a safety place for me but I miss my old life sometimes, but I think I drank a lot because i hadn't accepted who i was.

    Anyways, I suffer from resting bitch face. Haha big time. Im surprised she even offered to help, Anyways, I think another issue is, I CANNOT read women and I think 85% of the time people can't tell Im gay. I don't dress like a tomboy but Idk....Im don't consider myself a soft butch either cause I wear girly clothes, just never dresses and stuff. I like to get dressed up but in a more casual way. I think women cannot read least the gay ones. So with this the combination of looking like a bitch and all these tattoos......I either confuse women or scare them off? Who knows....that or i have a sign that is just invisible to me that reads...."caution" on my forehead. Ive been crying the past few days because Im scared as to where my life is going to go. I feel as thought I will never meet a girl who i will be able to trust or accept because I can't do these things for myself. It scares me that I'll graduate and feel even lower than this, but Im being patient and praying to God that this cleans up. I know it's going to hurt but I don't think Ill be able to be in a relationship until I fix this.....which right now feels impossible.

    Some advice...........Im so afraid to end up some alcoholic who let her life pass. (not to offend anyone) but I developed a very heavy drinking problem....Im afraid Ill spiral back to that place.....

    anyways, thanks for anyone who reads this. I could use......idk something? <3 thanks guys.
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2015
  2. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Hey Andrea, don't worry - things will get totally better. But definitely fall off the alcohol drinking wagon, trying to fill the empty hole in your heart/that void will not help even though it may temporarily relieve yourself as it is helping you to check out.

    Even though you think you're ugly it will take time to change your perspective of turning your self hate into self love. Go easy on yourself. You've had a girlfriend so obviously someone out there did think you were beautiful - and I'm sure there are countless others who you didn't know had a crush on you and so on. Making more friends will help you feel less lonely even if you really want some romance, take it as a win that someone wants to help you and be your friend. Is it possible to suspend that disbelief that someone doesn't want anything from you? While your guard may be up, maybe all she wants is to just be your friend. You could be wrong. I could be wrong. But if she insists then maybe she just wants to help you and be your friend. You never know until you try.

    It would also be healthy to suspend your other limiting beliefs like why would someone even want to be with you in the first place. You say that you were happy and bubbly and so on before you spiralled down... how about doing things that make you happy. Maybe art, writing, walking in the park, watching movies, etc. Ask your new found tutor if she wants to go to the movie or go for dinner. Just get out there. It's scary at first but once you get the hang of it, everything will be ok. Progress is done via baby steps... you don't ask a baby to walk or run on its first day.

    In terms of your clothing, stop trying to be someone else. Wear what you want to wear. There's no need to dress in flannel or rainbow shirts, there is no "one gay look". Unless of course you want to tattoo on your forehead, "I'm Gay" or something to make it obvious.
  3. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    It's so hard to be young and gay. It's even harder when you want a relationship so badly and just can't seem to find someone. But, you should know that what you're going through is completely normal so don't beat yourself up about it. You think you can't find a girl because you're ugly, or whatever, but honestly, it's just not easy being gay. Like you said, most people probably don't even know you're gay. If you're still in school you should look up your school's website and find their LGBT club. Most universities have something of that nature. Go where the gay girls are. When you surround yourself with other women like you you'll find someone without much work at all.

    Congratulations on losing the weight. Keep up the good work. Try to keep yourself interested in all the things that helped you lose the weight in the first place so you'll have something to focus on besides the fact that you're alone. Try not to put so much effort into finding a girlfriend until you finish school. You'll have the rest of your life to find Ms. Right and you'll impress a lot of girls by having that Masters.

    Good luck.

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