Seeking an open mind

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by amongster, Oct 9, 2013.

  1. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    I would be lying if I said this posting wasn't incited by watching the movie Concussion but there are a few things one needs to understand before we get into that. I'm 32 years old, attractive (or so I'm told), reasonably successful and I come from a family that is crazy just like anyone else’s but we love each other deeply. Simply put, I don't have mommy or daddy issues and I'm pretty well put together.

    Up until 4 years ago, I tried fruitlessly to be in relationships. We all have our flaws and what I finally admitted to myself is that my flaw is that I'm not made for relationships and perhaps more importantly, I don't like them. Admittedly I am selfish, I like to have my way, and I'm not willing to make room in my life for someone else. That is my current make up and though that might change in the future, I'm dealing with the present.

    Since finally acknowledging to myself that relationships aren't for me, I have tried - again unsuccessfully - to have many friends with benefits type situations where I was totally upfront with my intentions. Most of those situations were Chernobyl-esque in how they ended where I was called some pretty disgusting things, while the remainder found themselves at a crossroads: continue on with me with no future or find someone else.

    I've all but abandoned the notions of friends with benefits and for a while had more one night stands than I'd care to admit to but I stopped because where I live STDs are rampant and each year the statistics are scarier and scarier. For the most part I have taken to enjoying myself, if you know what I mean, but like anyone who is celibate, after a while having a physical relationship with just yourself isn't enough.

    A little less than two years ago, while I was still sexually active, I had this idea that I wanted to maybe try an escort, a legit one that properly vets all their women and has high standards but I was apprehensive so I turned to my friends. I have a best friend who I love dearly but the only area where we have problems seeing eye to eye is sex without a relationship/connection. No matter how much we've debated the issue, she's never made me feel bad about myself for my thoughts or actions; however, I felt like the escort conversation would be too much and I wasn't looked for a debate. My other best friend is more liberal plus she's had some dalliances of her own over the years. She's never judged me before but when I told her what I was thinking of doing, I felt persecuted because the conversation did everything to make me feel dirty for even thinking about it. I would be lying if I said she didn't get to me even if it was just a little.

    When I first read about Concussion on another website earlier this year of course my interest was peaked again but I was smart and kept it to myself. I keep coming back to the fact that the desire to do it was there long before my sex drought and long before I saw the film so there is some legitimacy to the idea that this is something to be entertained and thought out and not just pushed aside. The more the thoughts are entertained the more intrigued I become and actually it’s more than that but I don’t have a word for it nor do I have a reason. It’s not the stranger thing because I've done that and it’s not that I’m some deviant who wants to do something so super weird and outlandish that I’d have to pay someone (if that pertains to any of you…no offense). When I think about it, it’s not even explicit or anything remotely outside of what I would do with someone that I wasn't paying.

    I don’t know what my question is exactly. I do know that I’m not looking for approval so if you’re looking to pass judgment or court/spew ugly prejudices I respectfully ask that you please keep it to yourself. I think maybe all I want is dialogue with someone who is open minded enough to allow for an exchange of ideas that will help me understand this urge and where it stems from…right or wrong or indifferent.

    Does any of this make sense? I hope it does.
     
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  2. Chelsie Lately

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    I think it's just the stigma of having to pay for sex. I know in the grand scheme it's no different than a one night stand; It's actually similar to paying for someone's taxi home afterward (+some). I personally would never pay for an escort mostly because I would want more than I would be willing to pay. but if free sex isn't working out for you (that blows) you should definitely do it. You never know until you try. And then write about it because someone (me) may want to live through your experience. Also I apologize for all the parentheses I never realized how much I like to de-emphasize.
     
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  3. Maison Clicquot

    Maison Clicquot Well-Known Member

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    You are my new idol.
     
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  4. Only1

    Only1 Member

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    Interesting post. I had never heard of the movie, so I found a review of it on Roger Ebert's website, which provided some good background about it.

    I'm definitely not a therapist or anything along those lines. I think the whole idea or act of paying for sex turns some people off; however, there are others that don't care. A person may consider an escort because they may seek or desire something that is not being fulfilled whether it's emotional and/or physical. I personally don't have a desire for an escort, but I definitely wouldn't knock someone who does. If paying for an escort is what you want to do, why not do it? You seem to have spent some time thinking about this, and it doesn't appear that this is a decision you take lightly either.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think prostitution should be legal everywhere because it protects the workers and the clients. I actually find it unkind when people use the word "whore" as a slur. It is a profession. There are some women who do enjoy this profession and are more like artisans at it.

    If you are worried about STD's then visiting professionals don't necessarily help. Even though they are supposed to be careful, you can't cover your whole body up completely, lol. If you are young enough, check with your doctor about HPV vaccine. There are swingers circles and online matches where you can find buddies who are in the same boat and have the same concerns regarding STD's.

    Either way, I hope you can find someone to share with and get some relief.
     
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  6. North

    North Member

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    What are you waiting for?

    Seems like you have thought it over and the real problem is that you would like some approval.

    There's nothing wrong with being an escort. In many ways its like dating or having a one night stand. On a date someone usually buy you drinks, perhaps even dinner and sometimes breakfast/brunch :p So you are getting paid - but in goods. At a one night stand its sex with a stranger, just like an escort.

    I think you'll find many people rational enough to not judge.

    If one of my friends told me they were considering becoming an escort I would probably be terrible judgemental at first, because I would be worried for their health and their clients being violent. Perhaps your friend is just worried for you and its coming out wrong.

    Anyway, I say go for it :D Try it once and if you like it you do it again, and if you don't... well, at least you made a few bucks ;)
     
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  7. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    @ uh huh

    LOL…live through my experience eh? You’re right in the fact that it isn’t that different from a one night stand except it’s more expensive financially but it won’t be emotionally or socially, right? I live in a city but the lesbian community isn’t very big so I tend to run into the women I’ve been with more often than I’d like. Sometimes its cordial and sometimes it’s not. I want to think me getting my needs met with a good amount of anonymity is a big factor and it is but I’m also curious as to what it’s like. I don’t know anyone (male or female) who’s ever done anything remotely close to what I’m thinking of doing so I have no references to draw from. I’m still mulling it over and if I do decide I’ll let you in the loop…I think, depends on how it goes.
     
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  8. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    @ Only1
    I have thought a lot about it and I vacillate between so many things. About 10% is the social stigma. I’m human and it’s bound to enter my mind. At varying percentages depending on my mood, I fear that I’ll like it too much and it’ll become a regular thing. If you knew how cheap I am you would understand that concern. Then there is that bit of shame that I feel because this feels like one of the few ways left to get my needs met without the drama or unintentionally hurting someone. Still, every time I start to do the research, I feel like I’m watching porn for the first time and my mom is about to walk in so I shy away from it. If I shy away from the research then what happens when I actually try it?

    I overanalyze things as you can see.
     
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  9. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    @greylin

    I don't like the words "whore" or "slut" either. If you like sex then why not make a business of it. It's funny because when it comes to most things people will tell you in a heartbeat to pursue what makes you happy or what you're passionate about but if sex is what makes you happy/passionate its frowned upon.

    STDs are a big worry for me but now that you’ve mentioned it, I probably rationalized the idea that hiring an escort would reduce my risk. A few years ago an acquaintance of a friend of mine got a call from an ex because that ex was informing everyone she’d slept with that she had herpes. My friend’s acquaintance got tested and did indeed have the virus. That’s very scary to me. I read somewhere that the higher priced escorts are tested like clockwork but again that may not mean much. The question remains, is the risk any greater than it would be with me having a friend with benefits or a one night stand? I honestly don’t know. Though I've been as safe as one can be given the nature of my sexuality, I do get tested every 6 months.

    You also mentioned swingers and I have to say that that scares me too because though I like men as people, I don’t want them anywhere near where I’m having sex. Also the idea of having sex in a group is a turn off. As weird as it may sound considering the context of this post, I like one on one sex.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Ya know, I am not in any sort of swinging community so I don't know exactly how it works (I am really quite boring). I don't think they have to put you in a group, but I think there are people of different orientations there. But if the sight of men is a turn off then it is moot.

    I don't know what the difference in dangers are between one night stands with strangers vs. sex workers. I think it is a cruel lottery and people who are monogamous can still get stuff. You are kind off casting your lots on needs vs. odds. Yeah, unfortunately, there are a few things you can catch even if you suit up depending on what you do. Herpes is terrible, but HPV can take your life. The vaccine only protects against certain strains. It is probably a good conversation with your doctor to have as far as prevention. You can always go to a place where it is legal and licensed to check things out. For me, I am picky on getting the right kind of massage for my money, I can't even imagine what kind of terrible customer I would be if I were to hire a sex worker.
     
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  11. Only1

    Only1 Member

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    @amongster

    There shouldn't be any shame with this decision. With any major decision there are risks, but there are usually ways to minimize those risks. I understand about being cheap since I'm cheap too; however, we are talking about getting a need taken care of. The question becomes do you want to pay for this need to be taken care of? And if so, to what extent would you be willing to pay? Sounds like researching would be one of the best parts. :D Granted, this is coming from someone who watches porn on a consistent basis. Hopefully when you're ready to actually try it you won't be as nervous or shy.

    I think the main thing is getting comfortable with whatever decision you make. It doesn't matter what other people's comfort level is when it comes to doing this.
     
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  12. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Removing post as O.p. found it offensive. Sorry O.p.
     
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  13. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I saw swinging mentioned, so I'll raise you one and say: play party. Consensual, negotiated, safe, friendly. Often kinky (but it depends on the party you go to), usually around a theme (so you could attend a queer party), and safer (most play communities are invite only and/or screened).

    I've never been. But it's an alternative for extra-relationship sex.
     
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  14. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    @ greylin
    I did read up on the HPV vaccine (Cervarix and Gardasil) and I am past the age that is appropriate for the vaccine but it did prompt me to read up on HPV and prevention. I want to thank you for leading me to doing the research. I've known about HPV and have been tested for it forever but I didn't fully appreciate the dangers until now.

    I have to admit I laughed when you talked about being persnickety about massages because I'm the exact same way and believe me the money does factor in my decision.
     
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  15. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    @ Only1

    I think I'm at a point now where the need is beginning to overshadow the cost. I've been celibate now for 8 months (the longest I've ever gone) and I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin and it is beginning to affect my moods. I used to laugh and/or scoff at people who would say things like "I'm angry because I haven't been laid" but that was back when I was getting it on the regular. Now I'm that person. :cry:

    Thanks for not making me feel like a weirdo for thinking/feeling this way. The more I think about it, the more research I do and the more I talk to you ladies, the more comfortable I feel about the whole thing.
     
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  16. amongster

    amongster Well-Known Member

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    Not quite sure how to delete this so I'll just say lalalalalalalala
     
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  17. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry you feel that way about my post. I will remove it immediately. It was certainly not my intention to do any of the things you felt I was doing.
    Simply this: Look, I know there are many escorts out there who are exploited but there are also those like myself who enjoy sex without the strings, some enjoy it even more than I do so why wouldn't it be likely that some of those women would choose it as a profession?

    That why I replied, because I felt that that's what you think you will be getting. Or that's what you hope for. I presented a different reality (which you may also get) and asked you if you had thought about or if you were ready to get that. i.e that the girl would be pretending. And you didn't consider it. Me asking you the question just made you mad.

    So that's why I replied. Because I think your expectations are unrealistic. I'm sorry if it came across as everything else...and made myself sound like a judgey shite.

    I was also curious about how a person would over-come the pretending issue when sleeping with a hooker. So my question was genuine. Perhaps I can gauge from your answer that you will choose to believe that the pleasure she is expressing is genuine. So that's it, I guess. Question answered. Thanks

    Go in peace.
     
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  18. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Amongster...you're here because you're at a crossroads. You asked for advice without judgment. Without condescending opinions. But, if you're as strong as you purport to be...then you must accept the negatives with the positives. Not everyone will share you opinions, and not every disagreement needs to be perceived as a personal attack upon you. Sometimes, the best things can be found in discord.

    If you were totally ok with things, you never would have shared your experience in this forum. Why would it matter to any of us? You say a lot more about yourself because you posted..rather than from what you posted.

    In short, you're seeking something. Whether that be acceptance or validation, you're struggling with something. And that's ok too. Relationships aren't for everyone, and I get that. I had my own phases in life.

    If you're as intellectual as you convey, then you're seeking more than sex. Meaningless encounters with escorts may serve some physical momentary need -- but I sense, you're looking for more. You want what you want..but you also want no entanglements. And that, in itself, is a predicament.

    I don't have the answers for you. The only thing I can say to you is "enjoy the moment." Know that life is dynamic. Most people that post on these threads try to offer genuine, sage advice. When you open yourself up, then accept the criticism. Rather than recoil from it..embrace it. That one thing that strikes a nerve with you might actually be the one thing you can take with you.
     
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  19. Maison Clicquot

    Maison Clicquot Well-Known Member

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    Spygirl, usually when I see a post of yours, I liked what I read from you, but now, a part of your post it's itching my retina.
    I am kinda sure that the OP posted this for the purpose of having an open-minded discussion and not taking life constructive criticism, especially from closed-minded people. I think many of us have a different definition of open-minded, but one thing it's sure, open-minded people do have neutral opinions and not biased. At least this people should know, if they wanna try to act like open-minded people. I am interfering because I have seen many people telling me the same things, they tried to get into my mind and telling me in the most diplomatic way to shut up and accept their negative opinions. Why's that, because no one's feelings revolve around the things that the OP's feelings are. I learned that, the more people judge you, the greater are the things you do when you follow your heart, and what she wants, is not doing any harm. Instead of trying to give an another lesson, you could easily see that she's tired of being judged by closed-minded people - the title says all. And look "Sometimes, the best things can be found in discord. " not everyone's life consist of answers, some consists of choices.
    I don't know if I licked her butt and I don't care about that, but it was not right what you said.
     
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  20. RVT

    RVT Well-Known Member

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    In my experience, if you want something badly enough, you don't have to ask yourself "do I really want to do this?"

    Just my £0.02.
     
    #20

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