Scared of moving with her

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Diana, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Hello! So...I'm dating this girl, we have 4 months together and it's the best relationship i had so far. I mean, she is pretty down to earth, chill and we get along great. We had like 2 fights, but nothing serious so i consider our relationship to be pretty solid, not full of drama like i had before. The thing is, at the moment, i'm away on college and she is finishing her last year in high school, back in our home town.

    We get to see each other quite often, when i'm on vacation or i go sometimes home in the weekends. But not really all the weekends since i'm 7 hours apart by train. Anyway, when we started dating, we knew that distance would be a problem because she intended to go to University in another city, not the one i'm here now. So we knew that it would be more difficult next year for us, even though she said we could visit each other more often since she won't have her parents on her back so she could also travel to see me, not like we do now, mostly me coming to see her. So even though I love her a lot and she loves me too, i tried to not think about the moment when she'll go to another city for college and i'll be here, not only with school, but also starting a job so not being able to travel as much as i would like. I tried to enjoy the relationship moment by moment.

    Yesterday, she told me that she wants to give it a shot and try to get admitted to a college in this city, too. She didn't want to do it before because this city is more expensive and her family didn't approve. But yesterday, her mom told her that it would be a good idea if she tries her luck here too. Now, addmision is hard here and even if she is very hard working and ambitious, it is not certain she will get in for sure. But if she does, she wants to move in with me and to share a flat together. Now, don't get me wrong, i'm happy, i'm thrilled about the posibility of having her here, after trying not to freak out about the fact that she might go in another city, so i'm happy that she might come here. But, at the same time, i find myself terrified. I know it will be easier for both of us to move in together and to finally put a stop to this long distance relationship. But I'm also scared that moving in will be the end of our relationship.

    Maybe i'm stupid and i freak out about nothing. I don't know what to say. I mean, when i go to see her at home, everything is perfect after not seeing her 3-4 weeks. When i leave, it sucks for the both of us but we cherrish more every second together when i'm there. But i'm afraid that once we will live together, we will get bored or at least, things won't be so excited as they are now. Besides that, i feel like it's a huge responsability. If it doesn't work out, none of us can afford to move out. I am excited of the posibility of having her all the time next to me, but at the same time, i'm scared that moving in will be the end of our relationship. She is 19 and i'm 22 and I never saw myself moving in with someone at this age. Of course, there is plenty of time to pass before we get to the point of her moving to this city, if she ever does and maybe we'll be more mature relationship wise and we'll be fine. I don't know, i would appreciate it if any of you has some advice to give, in case you were in this situation or not. Thanks!
     
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  2. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    If you are 22 and she 19 and have been together 4 months, it would be totally reasonable for you to stay in the same city but not live together yet. Give yourselves time to enjoy dating and getting to know each other better. If you have your own apartment, it will be likely she will stay at your place a lot of the time anyway, and then you can figure out how that is working without the pressure of it being a huge commitment.

    If I were you I would talk about your doubts with her, discuss how you might like to take it more slowly than moving in right away. Assure her that you love her, but tell her you feel your relationship will be stronger if you take it one step at a time. Don't wait to see if she gets accepted to talk to her, because if you tell her then that you don't want to move in with her she will be hurt and she might feel you were secretly hoping she wouldn't get accepted in her local university.

    If you love each other and plan on staying together you have all the time in the world to move in. Take it easy, you have no need to rush into things! The beginning part of a relationship is so much fun, just enjoy it! :)
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I guess I am not seeing why you two have to live together so soon.

    I mean, I'm not opposed to her trying to go to college in your town. It sounds like a good college and a good town, not like she is making a bad sacrifice.

    But moving in together is a lot. You guys are young and haven't dated that long. You are gonna be each other's practice first roommate. Living with someone can put a lot of stress on a relationship.

    I mean, you are going to be in a college town. Can't she just get a roommate? Does she have to move in with you? Ditto you - can you just get a roomie? Then, if things work out with you guys, you can move in together in a couple of years. And then enjoy yelling at each other about who does the dishes and the clothes all over the bedroom floor.

    Good luck.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Do the u's there have a residency requirement? Like out of town people not living with parents have to use the dorms the first year?

    Where do you live now? Are you already by yourself? I know your dilema because if it were any kind of a close friend or relative she would have expected some hospitality because you live there. She is your girlfriend and may expect to be able to squish in with you till she finds a place. That is, if you are not living in a dorm or something where even temporary guests are not allowed. I would trust your instincts on this and be extra helpful with her on the process of the application and housing and hopefully that would overshadow any wrong ideas of her feeling unwelcome because you do want to move slowly and ensure that you have a good relationship outcome.
     
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  5. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    First of all, thank you all for the answers.
    Secondly, the situation is like this: if she moves in this city, we would be dating for a year at the moment when she gets here. Also, I have a roomate right now, but we can't stay together next year cause her bff is coming to town and being her aparment (my roomate's), i have to move and next year, i'll need a roomate too. Also, before my gf decided to try to get admited here, she put me in contact with a friend of hers that is coming here to college too and we made plans to live together, since both can't afford to live by our own. Now, if my gf comes, we will share a flat, all three of us. It's not like my gf will need a roomate, is that i will also need one so, it's kinda weird i guess for both of us to need to move with someone and not to move with each other. Besides, it will be cheaper for everybody. Another thing: i will have my own thing going, doing Masters and having a job and she will go to her classes so we won't be in each others faces everytime and having that other friend there too, i like to think at this arrangement as a friends living together, something chill. We are still young so i will try to see it as her being my roomate and also my gf, but i will try to not see it as an "i moved in with my significant other". I don't know if you guys understand what i'm saying.

    The thing is, since we will both need roomates, it will be kinda weird to try to find someone else other than each other to live with. Also, she doesn't know other people here besides me and that friend of ours who would also be new in town. As for dorm rooms, they suck and my sleep is very sensitive and i wake up at any little noise so i won't be able to survive in any dorm, after i visited friends and saw how life is there. As for my gf and my friend, they also are the type of people who want peace and quiet and prefer to rent a flat.
     
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  6. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    If you really insist on moving in together I would recommend you each have your own room (I would recommend this to any couple moving in together for the first time honestly. You might never use the extra room, but it's comforting knowing you have your own area)

    "But i'm afraid that once we will live together, we will get bored or at least, things won't be so excited as they are now."

    This will happen no matter how hard you try to make it not happen. Those butterfly feelings fade, they don't go away, but they're stronger when first dating. Has to do with your brain chemicals changing because something is new an exciting, that's why they call it "falling in love". ... It changes to being in love where you accept your partner in all their morning breath, bathroom smells, and sick days glory...

    Honestly treating your gf as a roommate (I do get what you're saying) ... It never works, it causes tension, because the reality is: she's your girlfriend. You two will probably share more food than the other roommate and things like that, it gets complicated and people get resentful.

    If you're going to move in together you have to be completely honest about your concerns with her before she does the move. You guys have to go over all the negative and positive things and see it it'll work out....
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    A year is still pretty quick to move in. Keep in mind that you will go from living ld to living together. That is a big shock.

    Also, living with a third wheel is a bad idea. Its gonna be 2 to 1, when there are house fights. And it will be tempting to vent about your gf to the 3rd wheel. Its just human nature.

    Things can get pretty crazy, pretty quick, with everyone talking about everyone else. Like there are 3 of you in the relationship.

    I hooked up with a roommate once, so I speak from some experience. It doesn't work and stuff gets way awkward, fast. Granted, hooking up with my "straight" roommate wasn't the smartest move ever.

    But roommate dynamics and gf dynamics are hard enough. Putting both together is like juggling chainsaws and flaming sticks together.

    I get that you are excited about moving in with your gf. I get that you want something that feels safe and comfortable. But the situation you have described isn't a stable one. Theres lots of good roomies out there.
     
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  8. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like there are lots of practical reasons to move in with her.

    BUT. Advancing a relationship is not just about practicality, it's about commitment, excitement, and care. Everything you're saying is logical and reasonable and sensible, but remove those necessities (finding a roommate is hard, you're a light sleeper, it'll be easier, people expect it) and I'm not really sure why you're doing it. When my wife and I moved it together, we had been dating for two years. It was fun and exciting to decorate our first home, to arrange our furniture, to organize the kitchen; we even had fun figuring out how to deal with finances, because it meant that we were in it together. We celebrated that whole first year - we never had to wear pants at home if we didn't want to! No more needlessly quiet sex! Waking up together every day! PANCAKES FOR DINNER! - and still do.

    I actually feel really sad that you're going to move in with this girl you're in a relationship with and try to see her as a roommate. Sure, your live-in lover is technically a roommate - but this is your first stab at creating a home with a partner, and you want to demote her to your flatmate. You're going to do what you do, but taking this step for the wrong reasons will set you up for feeling trapped and stifled later, or to skip over some of the steps of getting to know each other that will strengthen your relationship in the long run.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I like your style!
     
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