Save my friendship?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Rogue, Dec 11, 2014.

  1. Rogue

    Rogue New Member

    Dec 11, 2014
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    Hi AE..

    So there's this girl. (I've just always wanted to start a conversation like that.)
    We're friends. Or, were.
    We met and abroad and three months together there before each returning to our own home country. At that time I was a self-confessed mess so wasn't out, she was straight. I told her I liked her a few months after we got back from our travels, her reply was positive but ambiguous. In February she told me she'd had a sexuality-epiphany and found herself liking girls. In respect to our friendship, I didn't just jump on her. Plus, I've never been in a relationship and I was depressed - I wasn't really in the place even though I wanted to be, and I was scared to tell her. But I kept in contact, and messaged her maybe more than I should. It gave me some comfort when I felt very lonely.
    Then a couple of months ago I visited her and she'd just got a new long-distance girlfriend. I still told her that I still like her because I didn't want to hide anything from our friendship. I really value her as a friend, even though I'm aware that I message much more. When she's there, she's worth every non-message.
    The thing is, before I visited she was messaging a lot and told me how much she missed me and cared about me and was so excited to see me.
    Then I got there, and yeah I know I was hell-of anxious and she was at work for really long hours but.. she didn't seem interested in spending any time with me without me looking for it or doing anything special- so I felt needy and ended up staying much longer than planned just in the hope we'd get back that friendship. I asked her about it and she told me she was sorry that she just wasn't thinking about me (ouch), but then she said she'd miss me too. It was so confusing.
    I've never really had friends that I felt that connected too either, so I really am in alien territory.
    It really hurt because she began to say things like "when people are in love with someone they have hope in their minds" when I hugged her, and "under the circumstances", I thought she knew me better than that.

    Now I don't know what to do. I know she's pushing me away, or at least not contacting me, but for some reason I still care. I don't want to lose our friendship. We'd talked about travelling together and everything, now it's like nothing else matters apart from her girlfriend. I just want her to know I don't have bad intentions... I don't mind her talking about her girlfriend, losing a friend hurts so much more than losing her as a girlfriend.
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Sadly, there isn't much you can do. Some girls are just like that. They start dating someone and they get into that person 24-7, ditching other friends and hobbies.

    There is no magic thing that you can say or not say that will change her. She just has to learn (probably the hard way,) to have more balance.

    It would help though to work some on the low self esteem bit.

    Good luck.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Unrequited feelings suck. They do. And it seems like, although you were friends, you crossed a line in telling her that you like her more than friends. That she realized she liked girls gave you some sense of false hope, I think. So, after she got a girlfriend, you again told her that you like her. This probably made her uncomfortable and awkward, and as a result she's pushing you away. You admit that you messaged her more than you probably should have, which tells me that you need to work on your self esteem.

    In her mind, even if the friendship continues, she's going to have it in the back of her head that you have ulterior motives. Or that you're, perhaps, too needy. The best thing you should do is give her space -- If the friendship was solid before you confessed your feelings, then maybe you'll both be able to move past this and be friends again. You can't do much except let time try to heal this.
    Bluenote likes this.
  4. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    I agree with @Spygirl on giving her space. Pushing things will not help the friendship and certainly will not help you. Keep in touch every once in while but give her space.

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