Roommate crush

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by aksv, Nov 15, 2019.

  1. aksv

    aksv New Member

    Nov 15, 2019
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    I’m a queer woman in a small town, platonically sharing an apartment with another queer woman who I am very good friends with. The issue is that I’m having trouble keeping myself from having a crush on her. She has said in clear terms that she doesn’t think we have chemistry and I respect that. However, we have vastly different boundaries on what constitutes platonic behavior. She is a very physical person, constant hugs, cuddles and PDAs. It’s normal for her to wake me up by jumping in my bed in the morning before we cook breakfast and walk the dogs. She talks about long term plans for the two of us, different cities we could move to together, how we can help each others’ careers, how we have to stay roommates because of how much her dog loves me, etc. At first most of our friends just assumed we were dating, because it honestly is probably what it looks like from the outside. I expressed interest a few months ago and was shut down. I thought I was over it but recently have realized I’m definitely not, to the point where I’m probably being unfair out of spite. Lately I feel like I’m pulling the emotional labor of a partner without getting much return and it’s starting to make me crazy. I kind of think I should move out before sabotaging our friendship? I know she doesn’t owe me anything, and I really don’t want to fall into the “nice guy” trope, but I’m hitting the end of my rope. I should mention, that myself and a number of friends have pointed out to her how much she flirts with me and leads me on, and she disagrees. I feel like the boundaries I’ve set to maintain a respectful platonic distance have been disregarded, as she says her words should be enough. Ideally I just want to stop having a crush on her and maintain what in the past has been an important friendship. Any advice?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Her words are not enough when her actions disrespect your boundaries. You are right to want to move out. If she wants the same kind of friendship or relationship you do, then she would have respected your terms as much as you have hers. Your feelings of wanting to end this partnership is more than justified. I am sorry that sometimes, no matter how good it has started, some relationships are not sustainable. Sometimes, the distance is all a friendship can afford.
  3. NothingNcommon

    NothingNcommon New Member

    Dec 7, 2019
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    It definitely sucks being played around with like that. I understand how you feel. You should really try to stop yourself from giving her any attention that you know will deepen your emotions for her. If you feel like moving out is the easiest for you then do it, but you should set boundaries for yourself. I’m only saying Ron set boundaries for yourself because you’re the only one that can self control.

    Hope that helps a little.
    greylin likes this.

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