Relationship Advice.. please..

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by LiL'RoSaRiO, Dec 11, 2015.

  1. LiL'RoSaRiO

    LiL'RoSaRiO New Member

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    Good night everyone..
    How do I start? Lol..(kinda new to this, sorry)
    Sooo Currently me and my gf have been together for exactly a year now, and I Love her very much. She's amazing to me in every way, and I wouldn't want to hurt her never. I'm 21 and she just turned 26, but age for us isn't an obstacle. We met thru Facebook and a few months later met up in person and it was an instant and automatic "Click", for both of us. Not much after that, I decided to ask her if she wanted to be my gf and she said yes. Despite the very tough hardship of her loosing both parents in 2014, I remember things between us was always perfect, in the sense that we couldn't get our hands off of each other, she couldn't get her hands off of me, and sex between us was from 6-7 times a week sometimes even twice a day. There was a lot of affection from both of us towards each other, a lot of hugs, those long sweet kisses, etc...
    But then things changed when I had to leave Puerto Rico for a few months to work. Once I came back to P.R. after 7 months, (we held a long distsnce relationship while I was working in the states) , I noticed a change in almost everything between us..and in her. The affection from her part lowered alot.. Her sex drive lowered A LOT..since I had gone to the states to work.. She no longer lets me give her those long sweet kisses that I remember she would tell me that she loved. It's only tap kisses 99% of the time. I understand that currently she's been going thru some very tough times dealing with the pain of loosing her parents on 2014, and I've tried my best to stick with her thru thick and thin, to always lend her a shoulder to cry on.. To not judge her. But sometimes I feel like it gets hard on me as well. We barely have intimacy.. And whenever I try to spark things up (sexually), she gets upset and tells me she's not in the mood. I then respect her word and let her be. And we would go on for 3 weeks or even a month with absolutely no intimacy, because she would say that she's not in the mood. Sometimes I'm even scared to even ask her if she wants to do something because im afraid that she'll get upset with me. She no longer likes to talk about sex anymore either. She gets mad at me whenever I bring up any intimacy-related subjects, when it used to be something we enjoyed talking about frequently. She rapidly tells me that that's all I think about, but that's not true because its way much more than that to me.
    We no longer kiss like we used to.. She only likes those short tap kisses.. She's no longer affectionate how she used to be. I've asked her various times if she truly feels happy with me, and if she truly loves me.. I've asked her that if im doing anything to her that's making her be this way.. And she tells me that she feels depressed because of the loss of her parents and Deep down I feel bad because I wish i can take her depression away.. I wish I can heal her heart back to pieces. I feel bad because im not trying to be selfish at all. But sometimes It gets me frustrated because I miss her. I miss our intimacy, the affection. For me, intimacy is very important in a relationship. It's a way that I use to show and express my feelings towards her. And I know that she knows that. Sometimes I'm very much in the mood, and she's not and It gets difficult for me because I wasn't used to her being this way, BUT, I don't judge her at the same time. I admire her for being such a warrior thru so much pain that she's been going thru. I'm just scared to commit a stupid mistake to the point of cheating on her because of the lack of intimacy and Passion in our relationship. Lately, I've caught myself checking out other women and shaken my head to snap out of it because I love my GF and wouldn't want, and don't want to ever hurt her and do her wrong like that. Please tell me what should I do?? What should I tell her? What can I do so that our intimacy and passion goes back how it used to be?? Why has she changed so much?? Honest Advice very much needed and appreciated.. Opinions as well.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 11, 2015
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    There are a couple of things going on here that I see:

    1. Your girlfriend's depression; and,
    2. Relationships evolve

    First, depression is a very real disease. If your girlfriend is clinically depressed, then she needs to seek help -- whether it's from a therapist, a medical doctor or both. I'm not a therapist, but lack of a sex drive is a hallmark symptom of depression. Depression likely won't go away on its own either -- think about it, if you had a condition like diabetes, you wouldn't let it go untreated, would you? You can talk about intimacy forever with your girlfriend, but if you don't address the depression, your situation will not change.

    Secondly, relationships evolve. You're 21 and she's 26 -- still very young in the scheme of things in trying to figure out what you want out of life. It's possible that your leaving to work in the States may have slowed the momentum of your relationship and made your g/f realize that she isn't into you the way you are into her and maybe she doesn't have the guts to tell you. Or, maybe she on some level resents your going to the States after she's had a particularly difficult year where she lost her parents. If that's not the case, then you need to recognize my second point -- relationships evolve. Sure, it's great to have the newness, can't-get-your-hands-off-each-other kind of relationship that typically happens at the beginning stages of getting together. However, relationships aren't static. You have to grow together and recognize that needs change. Successful couples have figured out how to navigate the ever-changing nature of relationships to grow together -- not apart. Sex drives change -- but addressing the issue (perhaps even with professional help like a couples counselor) can sometimes alleviate the problem. The key is communication. You two have to communicate honestly and openly -- she needs to understand your needs, while at the same time you need to understand hers -- and find out if there's a way to bridge those to come to a resolution that suits you both. Of course, one of the problems might be the depression.

    Communicate with her and find out what she's willing to do -- you won't move past this, however, if you don't talk about the fact that your needs aren't being fulfilled for whatever reason.
     
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  3. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    @Spygirl........you have hit the nail on the head.Your advice is so well put and articulate that anyone in a similar situation will benefit.The OP will no doubt benefit from your perspective on things,should they choose to do so!
     
    #3
  4. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    @Spygirl........you have hit the nail on the head.Your advice is so well put and articulate that anyone in a similar situation will benefit.The OP will no doubt benefit from your perspective on things,should they choose to do so!
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Wow. Thank you! I really appreciate it @Frazier!
     
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