Recurring theme..."I don't want to hurt you"

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by sofakingsweet, May 19, 2019.

  1. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    3
    Why do women say this?

    Back story... Met a girl online, went out on one date and it was great had a good time. Met up at Pride, we drank, danced, made out, held hands. Next morning she messages me I'm sorry about last night I don't want to confuse you. I'm not in that space to date right now and I don't want to hurt you. To which I replied Fine Ok, why would you hurt me I"m not looking for something serious with you if you're not in that place. I told her that I'm fine with something super casual and that she's not the only girl I'm talking to. She thinks she's going to break my heart bc she just wants to have fun with other women and that I'm too nice for her to hurt me like that. Girl must think very highly of herself to say she's going to break my heart. I honestly was looking for friends with benefits thing, almost a distraction from work and studying that I was hoping she would be. But this isn't the first time I've gotten the "you're too nice and I don't want to hurt you." First of all, why do they think they're going to hurt me? Secondly, you're not the only girl I'm talking to! Get off you're high horse. I open to anything right now, dating, relationships, fwb. People can be nice and also just want to sleep with you not want to marry you.
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Okay....reality check.

    I can only surmise that one of two things is going on here --
    1. She's just not into you; or
    2. Your words contradict your actions/how you're perceived.

    Lemme explain....

    As to #1....this is her way of letting you down easy...the classic "It's not you, it's me" scenario. She's trying not to hurt your feelings...but for whatever reason, whether it was alcohol, or you happened to be Ms. Right now -- as in she didn't have other options in the moment and you were fun at Pride...but.... she's really just not interested in you casually or otherwise. Not trying to be harsh, but sometimes after hanging out or going out on a date with someone, there's things we just don't like. Or maybe we don't feel that chemistry. Or maybe the other person is coming on too strong. If it's not the right fit for both people, there's no sense in trying to make something happen. Casual or not, she's gotta want to date you -- and from what you typed, it doesn't seem like she does. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it.

    This brings me to scenario #2 ... no matter how convincing you may be in telling her and yourself that "you're talking to other girls"...how you're being perceived may be anything BUT casual. Whether it's body language, how you look at her, something more is telling her that your words might not match reality.

    Look -- I've been there when telling people I want something casual, yet by how I"m reading the other person, I've had to break it off ....she might be getting the sense that you're holding out for something more...or waiting for her mind to change...or that if you sticks around for awhile, she just might see how great you are and want to be with her. Again...been there. There's nothing worse in a friendship where you know the other person wants more than you do...where you think there's some sort of ulterior motive on the other person's part. It's a difficult conversation to have, but I've had to tell people "look..no matter how long you stick around...it's NEVER going to happen." Friendships have ended upon those words. Her reality may very well be that she perceives that you want more no matter WHAT you tell her....which brings me back to #1 and the likely scenario that she's just not clicking with you.

    At the end of the day you have to respect what she says. If she doesn't want anything from you, chances are you're not going to change her mind. Spend your time and energy looking for someone who likes you and has the same expectations as you do in terms of dating/super casual, etc.
     
    #2
    Last edited: May 25, 2019
    ILB and greylin like this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I think you can take it the best way possible that this is what usually happens when people meet in such circumstances and it is what everyone says just to be crystal clear. I am not there so I can't hear the tone but she might not have meant it to be condescending at all. Maybe this is what people do just to be straight forward.
     
    #3
    Spygirl likes this.
  4. sofakingsweet

    sofakingsweet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    3

    Thanks for that reality check. That makes a lot of sense, I just needed someone outside my head to tell me that. I just wish lesbians were more straightforward. I'd rather hear "I'm just not that into you" and be honest with me than a lame ass excuse, "I don't want to hurt you". I'm an adult, I prefer the truth. Are there any honest mature women in Los Angeles?!
     
    #4
  5. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    8
    Honey, you are hurt …because rejection is hard. It is so freaking hard. Know that it is apart life and dating and … it will pass like all things that hurt us. *Hug*
     
    #5

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice