Really Hurting- Please Help

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Carmen, Oct 28, 2013.

  1. Carmen

    Carmen Member

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    I've been with J for 3 years and 10 months. We even got "married" at this mass wedding protest, got a marriage certificate and exchanged rings. We have a son who is a year old and now we were trying to conceive baby #2. In fact, I may be pregnant right now. These three almost 4 years have been very happy. This past year we've bickered and nagged at each other more than usual, but never anything serious. Also, we had tons of stress from opening an in-home daycare and taking care of our son. Now a week ago, J sees on Facebook that her ex is coming up from Florida to a town an hour away. Of course she wants to see her. I have my concerns this is not a good idea. But I agree on just dinner with me, J, ex, ex's mother, and our son. J says that's not enough, she wants to spend more time. J says her ex invited her to come up and go shopping as well on Saturday and that she would bring our son. I can't go because I have to work. I really don't like this and tell her so. We argue. I cry. I even say "If you go, we're done." to which she replies "No we're not." So after talking to my best friend about it, I agree that she can go, but she HAS to bring our son. After all, it was only supposed to be shopping. In the end, it turned into a zombie hayride and a halloween party. And she took our son to her mothers. I was pissed. I told her please do not go. But she was set on going. In their FB messages I saw that the ex told her to come while I was still at work, but she could've waited until I was off to go visit.
    So I text her all of 3 times that day cuz I'm pissed. Finally its like 8 pm, and I ask her when she's coming home. And she says "Idk I'm going to the halloween party." I tell her I don't think it's appropriate. She says she does and she's going. I said "why do you need to stay that long? I think you still have feelings for her. "She says "I do still have feelings for her." That's when I broke down. To make it short by the end of the night she texted me and said "I can't love u the way u need me to. I love you more like a best friend. I can't do this anymore youre jealous and controlling." Basically broke up with me in a text. She didn't come home all night.
    I called her in the morning and I said "did you mean what you said?" and she said "i don't know." I said "do you want to be with me?" she replies "i don't know. I'm on my way back" Later she sends me a text meant for her ex that says "I'm about to get to my house now. We'll see how this goes lol i love you, wish me luck." At that point I went into fuck it mode. I had been crying all night. Now I knew it was over for real. I When she finally gets home. She walks in says nothing to me and is acting like I ain't shit.I stay calm. I ask her if we can work on this and she says no. She says she doesn't think it's fair to be with me when she's thinking about someone else. I asked her if she's going back to her ex. She says "X is going back to Florida and she will break it off with her gf in her own time." Oh yeah I forgot to mention. X still is with her gf of 5 years. So basically she is breaking our family, risking her son's welfare, killing me slowly, for a MAYBE. X still hasn't broken up with her gf. I feel like I don't even know who J is anymore. Now our house is owned by my mother, who wants her OUT, but the daycare is ran out of the house. I can't kick her out because she'll have no source of income and that's half of our son's support. J wants to be roommates, especially if I'm pregnant, so I can see our son everyday and she can see the new baby. I don't know if I can. I'm so confused. I cussed her out this morning and I asked her if she regrets this and she told me yes. I left it at that. Should I room with her so we can coparent? Or move out and just have my son on the weekends? If she asks should I take her back? I would make her basically eat s*** before I took her back. And it wouldn't be in a day, week, month etc. It would take time for her to prove it me. But is that weak? I do want our family to work though. This is so hard. I've lost the person I tell everything to. I haven't slept without her in so long I don't know how to. Please someone help.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I know how you have lost your love and best friend all at once. It is so so awful and I am sorry. I would seriously consider the kids at this point. She just pretty much ran off and didn't think about you or your kid. Does she really still want to be a co-parent or she just has no where else to go? Granted all this irresponsibility could be brought on by the sudden reality of being parents and supporting a family, but she practically tore herself away from you. I would not see an ex if my gf is uncomfortable with it, yes, you should not have given an ultimatum but I think you knew at the same time what her real intentions were and you were trying to stop something inevitable. She's got a lot of nerve blaming her infidelity on you.

    I am all for kids to grow up with co-parents who can see their way clear to stay near each other or in the same house to raise the kid. But, but, but, you can't do it in acrimony ( for example, cussing each other out all the time is no way to raise a kid). You can't do it just so your gf can still be on your gravy train. If you have decided for sure not to be together, get some counseling to see if you really want to be co-parents. Do you really want her to be the parent of your next kid or do you feel more at peace if she was just out of the picture?

    Oh, and contact your local LGBTQ support center about a lawyer. Get an initial consult (hopefully free) and get your legal ducks in a row.
     
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  3. Carmen

    Carmen Member

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    She does want to co-parent. I'm not going to cut her out of the next baby's life if I am pregnant. We planned this baby same as our son. Plus, she could do the same to me with our son. I know I've called the courts and in my city a same-sex couple can file for co custody. I told her I'm doing this and she has no objections. I think I can be strong enough and not go back to her. But at the same time having kids with her and still being in love with her makes it a million times worse. I know I could get someone else, but I don't want anyone else. :cry:
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think it is wonderful that both of you want to stay co-parents. I have seen that work and the spouse who was cheated on looking angry for a long long time but eventually everyone ended in the same area and the kids have lots of people who love them. There will be bad and good that come of this. It is very hard to see the good right now and I hope you have the support you need from the people near you.

    With your mom, it will be hard for her to accept your decision to keep your partner in the house. I think I am an even tempered person but I can't imagine what I would do in her situation. You can keep telling her that you need her to support your decision. Tell her it helps your emotional well being for her to support your decision. Sometimes, you have to repeat things for moms when they are blinded by protective mamma bear feelings and not hear your needs.

    Please do consider counseling. Your counseling goals can be different between you and your partner. Your goal might also shift, whereas, it could start out being exploring ways to stay together and then if that doesn't work, shift to how to end it with love and grace and a partnership for your child(ren). I hope you keep a lawyer warm in your pocket in any case because you will go through ups and downs and agreements maybe reconsidered. If you are doing a home daycare from your mom's house, make sure you pay rent as a business to your mom to keep her asset out of it. I am no financial or legal person, but it seems like a good idea. *hugs* If it helps you, please update us on how you are doing.
     
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  5. Carmen

    Carmen Member

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    I really hope it does work out with us co parenting. I thought she might want to get back together, now I'm not so sure. Yesterday when I called her to discuss our son she was very warm. Today she has been very short with me. I really don't know if I want to stay there now. But we definitely have to work together co parenting.
    My mom understands that that is her source of income so for now she's letting it go. I kind of feel used though. If C (my son) wasn't in the picture I would've told her to kick bricks. And I'm trying to cooperative so she continues to let me see him. I don't think she'd do counseling. I hope she might consider it, but thats extreme wishful thinking. Oh I don't know about all that I didn't even think of that with the daycare. Well it began 5 months or so ago. So I guess we'll look into that.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Carmen, I hope you will consider counseling if only for yourself, and, if you do, please make sure that you don't give up on counseling if one counselor does not seem helpful. When I needed help through a bad breakup, I had gone through 2 before landing on the perfect one by sheer chance. The first two were from recommendations. I swear it is like being referred to a restaurant or hair dresser, it can be quite objective.

    I know I am heavy on recommending that you line up your professionals. It is important that you do because you have emotional, legal and financial entanglements. I would get pros for all 3 things.

    It sounds like you have some decisions to make and you have doubts about your feelings on things. My old therapist used to have me write out lists, pros and cons so my thoughts are more in focus. I found that as I was finally healing, I started doing things I kinda withdrew from doing because of my ex. Doing those things gave me complete gusts of freedom that I needed to move on. I know this is sucking rock for you to be there with her and having to carry everyday like business as usual. I just hope you find time just to do things that pleases you. Please know there will be happiness after this. I know you are worried about being used, and of course, don't be a doormat, that is why I recommended you go to the pros. The important thing is that you find joy in making the best decision you can make and courage when you know you have done the right thing.
     
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