Really clingy acquaintance

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Copperhead, Apr 20, 2019.

  1. Copperhead

    Copperhead Active Member

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    Hi. I'm having trouble dealing with an acquaintance and the situation is putting a lot of stress on me.

    This woman, let's call her F, is best friends with one of my cousins and we became acquainted because my cousin thought we could get along and become friends, so she put us in touch. I was interested in getting to know her because she works in a related field and I was hoping to interview her. F is gay, 46 yo and single. I'm gay, 25 yo and single.

    Once we began texting, I sensed I was going to have problems with F. To put it simply I felt harassed because she texted me non stop and attempted to call me several times a day (good morning, did you have breakfast/lunch/dinner? what time are you going to bed? are you asleep? good evening, have a wonderful day) or every time I didn't respond quickly enough. At that point I was avoiding her texts and calls.

    In less than 10 days of interacting she said she had a crush on me and other things that seemed pretty bold considering she froze when she met me by accident at a relative's house, she was there for 5 min but did everything to ignore me. I just said thanks and the next day the nonstop texting and calling continued. I confronted her because I needed her to slow down and it was making me feel very uncomfortable and because I wanted to check if we were on the same page because I was only looking for friendship. She didn't have a clear answer, felt I was being aggressive and she just blew things out of proportion and stopped texting me for a couple of weeks (much to my relief).

    We managed to clear the air and start over, both of us agreeing that this was only a potential friendship and this time the intensity went down considerably. From what my relatives have told me, she is a wonderful person, very kind, she spoils people, pays for everything, takes you out, takes care of you, texts you to check if you have eaten, does a lots of favors. Everyone speaks so highly of her, they might as well just take her to the Vatican and declare her a saint.

    Although she apparently is this way with everyone, I'm not entirely convinced she is just interested in friendship (she flatters my personality way too much) and I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable again because the texting nonstop came back, the calls too, the wanting to meet twice a week as well. She's been doing favors I didn't ask for, showing up at my house without notice to give me presents, cake, ice cream, pills for my dad's heart condition. It is just too much. I am grateful for the gestures but I don't know this woman, we have only talked for two months or so.

    The catch here is, I am reluctant to confront her the way I normally would because my relatives care for her and I don't want to look bad in front of my family. If this wasn't the case, I wouldn't really worry about it and just cut contact with her.

    She is really clingy and I'm honestly tired. I've been trying to take hours before replying or saying I'm busy and that I can't go out but these are short term fixes. Although some people would argue that having such a special someone is a blessing, I don't feel comfortable and for some reason, I don't trust her.

    How can I approach the subject considering she is already on an "I love you" basis (as a friend kind of way - Spanish has two verbs for expressing love) and I barely consider her a friend?
     
    #1
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  2. WCPlayer

    WCPlayer New Member

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    You need to put a stop to it and you need to do it as soon as possible. This woman clearly likes you as more than a friend and I think it's because she knows about your sexuality. Unfortunately when women fall into the "I'm a lesbian, she's a lesbian, this means we are meant to be" category and do crazy things out of neediness for someone to love her. Your cousin may have said something to her like "my cousin is a lesbian too, you both might get along!" which got the clocks turning.

    I also bring this up because you both are also in different age categories. You are 25 so you are grown, but she's had much more life experience and maturity than you have you gone through. An older adult is supposed to be more experienced, patient, and be so established in their careers and passions that chasing someone and playing dating/stalking games is far from their mind. ESPECIALLY when dating someone younger. You are 25, she's 46. That's a 21 year age difference- she needs to start acting grown. She needs to leave you alone, and work on herself before she finds someone else. Neediness is her mink coat. But that's her problem, not yours.

    Put your foot down. "Thanks for everything but we seriously need to talk. These favors and gifts are starting to become burdens more than comforts to me. I am asking you nicely, please stop coming to my home uninvited and stop giving me gifts." At this point I'd even call the interview off. Tell her you need a break from talking for a while and during that break ignore every advance by her done through phone, text, social media, etc. In person, you can talk but keep it small and civil. There's nothing wrong with being polite, short, and sweet with your words. Avoid her if you can.

    If it keeps up, either block her number and contact or get your family involved. Yeah they care for her, but they care for YOU too. I don't care how long someone has been in my life, if my relative had non stop phone calls and unexpected visits from someone who was super kind to me, I would STILL be worried and on guard for them. There's a difference between saying: "I don't want her to interact with this family PERIOD" and "I just want her to leave me alone because I am uncomfortable with these sort of advances."

    I wish you luck with your situation. Take action, and do it as swift and quick as possible. Better to handle it now before things get messier or feelings get too strong on her side.
     
    #2
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Well said, @WCPlayer !

    Hi there Copperhead, so if F is displaying the same behavior towards your relatives then she has a personality that smothers people. I have met women like that in their 60's and 80's and still doing the same thing. They all seem to come from some really crazy parenting, periods of extreme scarcity and want that let them to such ways in their lives. The mildest one of them was the oldest kid in the family and while she did not have crazy abusive parents, she had like 10 younger siblings and she was always taking care of someone and taking a backseat to herself. She adopted the same habits as her mom, taking care of everyone and took gambling as her only vice and outlet. She would give lavish gifts to friends and it is almost like she was out to buy their friendship.

    F sounds like she is already someone with poor socialization and on top of that she has a girl, friend, lesbian crush on you. She is not acting like an adult at all.

    I completely understand your feelings about not embarrassing a family friend. I do think you have paid your dues and had given it a chance. Even if she didn't have a crush it is still stifling for someone. It is okay to say no thank you to gifts and medication. Tell her you don't need them and simply not answer her calls or texts. If she shows up, tell her you are busy. You have already been clear with your words, now, you need action to back it up.

    Good luck and take care.
     
    #3
    WCPlayer likes this.
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Crush or not, friendship...true friendship....is about compromise. Why not try telling her that you're not used to people coming on strong, even if the intentions are purely innocent? Maybe try to catch bees with honey by putting this on yourself to say -- whoa, my personality is such that I'm pretty independent and like to keep it that way....explain that as much as you appreciate your friendship you like your "me" time as well.

    I say this because I CANNOT stand to be smothered...I have run very quickly from friendships/relationships like this in the past. So much so where I had to have the talk to set boundaries. I was quite comfortable in my own skin as a single person ... as much as I am as a married person....which is why relationships to me are those which enhance my happiness, not be the source of it. I don't need someone to check on me 24/7 or take care of me.

    Sometimes we can't help who we are as people..and giving her the benefit of the doubt (I still think there's an element of a crush here that she's hoping in time will change your mind)...if she is like this with everyone, then have the (difficult) talk about what you need from this friendship. What your family thinks of her is irrelevant..you can still keep the peace and have the distance you need.
     
    #4
    Toni likes this.
  5. Copperhead

    Copperhead Active Member

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    I felt really reassured when I read your replies, it validated some of my initial thoughts and it gave me the push I needed to do something about the situation. I was feeling a huge discomfort and I needed to talk it out with someone and I am glad to say I took your advice and put an end to it. We are not talking, we haven't done so for almost a month.

    As soon as I read your thoughts on this I asked for some space and once I did, it made me realize my concept of a time out was very different from hers. She just stopped texting me from Sunday afternoon to Monday afternoon and that was about all the "space" I got.

    I was upset and she happened to show up at my door the next Saturday to give me something and I decided I would have that talk with her at that moment.

    I did not expect her to show up with chocolates, treats, Lego figurines, and CLOTHING as gifts. Needless to say, I completely freaked out. I expressed my thoughts and feelings to her and she completely dismissed it, she just laughed it off and said everything was ok, "nothing is happening". I put emphasis on the fact something WAS indeed happening, perhaps not to her, but to me. And I asked her to stop because I could not keep up with her and I was feeling anxious.

    The point flew straight over her head and she just left, acting as if I had said nothing. And two days later she sent me a text telling me she was hurt because I had not said anything about the clothing she gave me and because I did not reply to a video of her dogs. Yes, a 46-year-old woman with a Ph.D. was giving me crap because I said nothing about her dogs.

    In the text, she told me I was too difficult and that my personality hurt people and that she was giving up on me even though she really liked me. And being as unstable as she is, she sent me a text hours later to let me know she was stopping by my place to give me my dad's meds.

    This is a huge red flag for me, so I pretty much told her to f*ck off in the most diplomatic way I could and told her to never speak to me again. And if felt amazing!

    Actually, I ran into her yesterday at a family event. I thought about saying hi out of politeness but I felt her death stare so I ignored her. At that moment I felt very relieved because I am no longer dealing with such an aversive situation.

    All I want to say is that I am really happy about following your advice, I feel much better now. Thank you for taking the time to weigh in and helping me!
     
    #5
    Spygirl likes this.
  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Boy that took courage and persistence! F is really not in a good way. I hope she gets some help for that. She reminds me of Kathy Bates in Misery. Did she just pop into your circle of friends and family or does this woman have a past?
     
    #6
  7. Copperhead

    Copperhead Active Member

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    Oh I will definitely watch that movie! To answer your question, she does have a past. Her mother has been friends with one of my aunts for over 40 years, so this woman F and my cousin (her best friend) met through their moms back when they were kids and this woman has been related to the family ever since. Although no one really knew her except for 2 or 3 other people, until now.
     
    #7

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