Realized I somewhat like the girl I've been "...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Love*Cali, Sep 23, 2013.

  1. Love*Cali

    Love*Cali Well-Known Member

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    Gosh, I know that sounds terrible in the title. I know it's not mature to ignore anyone. There are maybe 3-4 people I work with (of about 40-50 people) who I just don't bother to talk to, and I've gotten used to just not talking to them. I talk to them on work terms and will not converse about anything else. The reason is that they have tried bringing me down in the past, tried being rude, been unresponsive to my attempts at friendliness or talked negatively about me/gossiping. We used to get along but she increasingly became unresponsive to my attempts at a certain point. I didn't feel anything for her at the time. To solidify my behavior, I overheard her best friend saying something pretty upsetting about me at work just as I passed by them and I promised myself I would not bother with them. This girl has tried being nice/friendly every now and then. I hardly respond to it. I might say thank you (if she's tried to help me out). I've always said that there are some people not worth bothering with (or making any special efforts with). Again, I do communicate what is necessary. And, this is a waitressing job which I could transfer out of if ever need be. There is high turnover here and there are already a few relationships here.

    Gradually, however, I've begun to recognize that I do like her. In the past, I only wanted to be friends with her. Now, I look forward to days where I will be working with her; I do compare her schedule to mine; I make sure I look better than normal and that I smell delicious; I am mindful of what I say with others when she comes around; and I do sometimes dream or daydream about her.

    I know that she is straight. Even while all of us were out at the bar in the past she announced "strictly dickly!" and earlier expressed discomfort because an out lesbian at work told her she had an available room to rent if she needed it. I have not announced my orientation at work; she does not know unless she's picked up her own little clues. So keep in mind that there is little chance of us getting together.

    Because of my little crush, I have been questioning my habit of not talking much to her. I've wondered if I'm only doing this because I have liked her and I've wondered if I appear to like her. I recognize that I truly want to get along with her. I do say to myself that I would be disappointed in myself if she ever quit and I had not become friends with her again. The not talking has become habit and honestly I don't even know how I would begin to mend the relationship or even if I should. It isn't a huge effort to go on as I've been doing. She wasn't always too nice and friendly and I believe the small attempts I've made in the past were not received well (she was rude, uninterested and unresponsive). It's true that she occasionally tries to be nice to me or start small talk and that I now hardly respond to it. It appears that she will always have those days where she is rude and uninterested. I do not know if I am overreacting and only doing this because I now have feelings. I don't know if this is truly the better method. Maybe she is the type of person I need to stay away from. I just don't know. I'm questioning myself everywhere. What do you all think? How should I continue on with this girl?
     
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  2. lynds126

    lynds126 Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    This situation sounds like it's a tad more difficult than it needs to be. If you want to be friends with her, then try mending the relationship. But understand that you guys could only be friends and nothing more. If you think you can handle that, honestly, then by all means!! No one can have too many friends =p

    Personally, from the little you've said about her, it doesn't sound like I would like being friends with her. But that's me. You actually "know" her and have interacted with her. You would be a better judge of who you choose to be friends with. =]]
     
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  3. Love*Cali

    Love*Cali Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    Thanks for your response. She seems friendly now. She seems to want to be friends, or at least to be friendly, but I don't feel comfortable enough with her at all. She'll watch me in passing with a kind expression and she'll sometimes try to say something to start small talk but I usually say "oh...ha" and end it there. Overall, I just feel like it'd be the same as the past where it was difficult to talk to her and she acted disinterested. I tend to think she's judgmental. That's what keeps me from trying to get along again.

    I don't know, does it sound like she wants to be friends?
     
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  4. Eva Mac

    Eva Mac Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    I'm sorry if you read my earlier posts, when I give advice I try to do it well, and when I read back I thought maybe I was too forthright with my advice, so I've deleted them to try to be more helpful.

    What I'm trying to say is, you sound very unsure of this person, so you have to weigh up if she's someone you really want to be friends with. What is it you like about her? Why are you so torn, because you've only really shared things you don't like about her, so it's hard to understand why you want to bother at all.

    As regards you thinking she's judgemental, what did she do or say to give you that impression? Sometimes people can seem very sure of their opinions, but it doesn't mean they aren't or won't or can't be understanding, or be willing to listen, if you knew them better.

    About her acting disinterested, you don't know what's going on with another person, she may be shy, or she may be unsure whether you want to be friends. It sounds like you are both sending mixed signals to each other. She might have reasons why she's not that confident about herself or her life. Sometimes shyness can come across as aloofness, after all small talk is easy and impersonal, actual friendship is work and can make a person feel vulnerable, if they have low self esteem.

    However, I don't know this person at all, I could be way off the mark with that, I'm just trying to show you how you don't know why a person acts a certain way until you know them better, and that you may be giving mixed signals too with your ignoring her sometimes. I hope this is of some help to you.
     
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  5. Love*Cali

    Love*Cali Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    Hey Eva, I didn't read your earlier posts and I don't see anything wrong with this one here.

    I cannot answer for my interest in her. When we used to get along, I only saw her as a friend. When an old lesbian coworker asked if it was her that I liked, I straightaway said "Oh god no! Someone else." I think that as I got over others that I had been emotionally holding onto, I began to see her as somewhat intriguing.

    In the past, in particular, she always came across as snobby or fairly rude. As I got to know her, I realized it was because she was unhappy to be at work and possibly other things were going on in her life. I didn't appreciate the short, uninterested responses I got when I would simply ask how she was doing. In time, she would mumble something and wouldn't even look over. Lately, she seems happier at work and more comfortable at work. She is also more positive. But the couple times in the last few months that I decided to throw in a comment to her, she mumbled and was disinterested. I don't feel that I could trust her with much, and it seems that I may find it so easy to not talk to her because I just don't have much to say to her. It's a strange situation. It isn't someone I plan on pursuing but I am wondering if I should change the way I've been acting.
     
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  6. Eva Mac

    Eva Mac Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    Be your self, at all times, don't let others drag you into their bad behaviour. Don't be rude just because she is, but don't go out of your way to cultivate a friendship with her if you don't trust her. Trust is such an important thing. I don't want to keep harping on about the same things, but it just ultimately doesn't sound like you like this person. She sounds pretty horrible how you've described her, if I was her and I heard myself being described in this way I'd be pretty depressed to think I'd been coming across in such a way. It is possible you've got her all wrong, and there's things you don't understand, but why should you bother too much until you know any better. Follow your instincts, I have pretty sharp instincts, and they tell me things I shouldn't logically know sometimes, so I believe in the power of instinct. Good luck with the situation, I hope you figure it out.
     
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  7. Love*Cali

    Love*Cali Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    Thanks. I decided I might gradually give her another chance. I did want to be friends but didn't have time for the attitude and the gossip in the past. I answered to a few of her comments yesterday at work.

    I do wonder now. Yesterday, after opening up a bit more, I caught her staring at me several times. Maybe she was feeling lonely. As I stood talking with a group of other girls I looked over to see she'd just entered the large room and was staring directly at us from maybe 50 feet away, standing still on the stairs. I believe I double glanced. I looked over again shortly after to see her standing alone, against a counter, facing us and just staring for a few minutes straight from all the way across that room. She didn't look away. It may or may not have been directly at me. I left and went back to them later. Again, same thing. I left them, headed in her direction to get back to the kitchen and made eye contact with her just before passing her. Later that night, I was talking with another girl and felt her staring at me. I looked over to see that she was. She'd been talking with someone but was facing and just watching me. Sometimes I'll look up from what I'm doing and see she'd been watching me as she was passing by.

    Now, again, I'm pretty sure she's straight. Was she just wanting to join in the conversations? Is she picking up on my curiosity?
     
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  8. Squish

    Squish Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    With that amount of staring... it would get to a point for me where I would HAVE to go up and ask her if I was the hottest thing she's ever seen, or if I had left over lunch on my face.
    I don't think I could deal with someone constantly staring at me like that, so if it was me I would be flat out asking why I was a magnet for her eyes.
    Like Eva said, no need to be rude about it... but if its confusing and making you uncomfortable, you need to get a clear answer. It's not fun having to deal with something like this, in a place you can't get away from.
     
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  9. Love*Cali

    Love*Cali Well-Known Member

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    Re: Realized I somewhat like the girl I've be...

    I don't mind it so long as it isn't a sneer, glare or something of disgust. It didn't look like that. She had never just stared at me before that day. Suddenly, that day (the last time I saw her) she was just watching me a lot as I interacted with others. I even wondered if she saw my post here... :/

    Have no idea what happened. It seems I don't know people as well as I thought I did.
     
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