Questioning the break up- still love her

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by RagsOBrien, Mar 19, 2015.

  1. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    Hey girls,

    This is my first post on AE so here goes....I broke up with my first girlfriend 3 weeks ago and am finding it very hard and missing her terribly even though I cut the ties. We were together only 5 months but maybe moved too quickly and I am semi-closeted while she is not and this was a major part of it- her pushing me to be more 'open' and out in public and I was not/still am not ready to do this, so maybe we were doomed from the beginning. The thing is I have realised that I do really love her and miss her terribly and part of me wants to call her up & ask her if she wants to give it another go. However, my fear is that we are going into the same issues again.

    We met last week for a chat and I felt worse after it- she accused me of being selfish, using her and treating her badly which I feel was untrue and we ended up arguing somewhat so then I just told her it was best if we didn't stay in contact for the next while as it wasn't benefiting either party. I just worry that if I let the silence go for too long, I will have lost her forever and maybe regret it down the road. It is not easy finding an effeminate gay woman with a mutual attraction when you are not fully out, especially in my city and who you click with. Perhaps I am now viewing the relationship with rose tinted glasses. I wasn't entirely happy with her and her friends and family were okay but not necessarily people I feel I fitted in with. Should I just try and move on and let go? I didn't expect to feel this way after I broke up with her- I am thinking about her constantly and it's driving me insane. Any thoughts appreciated. Thanks.
     
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  2. gr8dane

    gr8dane Member

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    I feel you answered your own question right here..." I wasn't entirely happy with her and her friends and family were okay but not necessarily people I feel I fitted in with".

    In addition I think you are right about the rose tinted glasses. When one breaks up, whether the dumper or dumpee, one tends to, after some time, romanticize the relationship and dwell on all the things that were right or comfortable.

    Staying with a person because of fear that there will be not another like her is not a valid reason to just settle. Listen to your gut and keep occupied with things that make you feel good. Both of you need some time apart to process this breakup.
     
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  3. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Can I ask a question?... Are you aiming to eventually be fully out or are you comfortable with your current status? It's just this is sounding very similar to what my Gf and I went through... I was semi/mostly closeted. I broke it off with her mostly because of the pressure I was putting on myself due to not being out and being unable to see myself coming out to my family. It took a few months of heartfelt thinking before I summed up the courage to come out of the closet... (We then got back together again) If this is your situation, then I definitely recommend taking time for yourself and dealing with you own personal demons... As you said, it's something that was getting in the way of your previous relationship. Then maybe take some more time evaluating what it is you want in a relationship. No point getting back together with your ex only to realise she just isn't the one for you 5 more months down the line. That wouldn't be fair to her or yourself.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You're looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses for sure. Maybe it's the idea of her rather than her..the idea of a relationship rather than being in a relationship that's bothering you. Maybe you're afraid to be alone...but guess what? You'll get through this...and you'll find someone who will love you for you..and appreciate that you're not fully out.

    Don't allow yourself to settle for someone who fits only some of your standards....those same issues will always be there. Because taking her back right now would be settling for less than you deserve.
     
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  5. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    Narley- I would like to be fully out some day but my family is quite homophobic-all of the immediate family and the extended family is not much better. I am close to them and to my mum in particular. I felt under pressure to tell her & the family in the past few months when I was with my GF but somehow it never felt like the right time. My mother has serious anxiety issues and telling her about something like this would just cause her to have a meltdown and I know I will end up feeling an emotional wreck and worse about it. I have to hide a lot of things from her for this reason even though she is a good person and is very loving. I do not think I want to be with a man in the long term. I am not 100 per cent certain about this but being the ex GF confirmed for me what I long suspected; the feeling of being with her was completely different to ever being with a guy. The sex was amazing and the emotional side was very fulfilling as well in a way that I have never experienced with a boyfriend. She was my first GF so maybe I have a lot to learn about being with women in a romantic sense.

    I would like to sort my head in the next few months- I have other stuff going on in my life that has been causing me stress such as career changing and financial problems but I won't go into those. Being semi-closeted is just one issue I am having. Maybe in time we will find each other again. I know she still loves me but I also know she wanted a very serious and committed relationship and she may well find someone else while I am figuring out what I need to do.
     
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  6. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    Spygirl- This could be true. She was my first GF so I have no experience of being with other women at all. I am trying to keep occupied with other things in my life and I am OK, not great but I know feelings pass eventually. I need to try and stop obsessing over her. I am just feeling sad and heartbroken and lost right now. She also told me when we met last week that she kissed a girl in a bar the weekend after we broke up which really hurt me. I realize that she is single but it seems very soon to be going out kissing someone else almost immediately after we were together. Thanks for the reply though- makes me feel a bit better about the situation.
     
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  7. RagsOBrien

    RagsOBrien Member

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    Thanks for the advice- I think you are right. We definitely need the space apart and maybe after a few months, I will feel differently about the relationship.
     
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