Processing...my own thoughts?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by leavthesumm, Feb 17, 2020.

  1. leavthesumm

    leavthesumm Member

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    I had typed up something about my girlfriends depression the other day and I couldnt figure out how to correct it so I am attempting again.

    I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months now and I am having all kinds of strange feelings about continuing our relationship. I know a lot of it stems from my past relationships and having been done wrong before.

    While she has not given me any indications that she wants out---shes given me the complete opposite, I believe her actions speak louder than words. I was what I thought an emotionally strong person but I think because I am falling in love with her, I am now at a stage where I am scared to lose her and this is causing my head to spin.

    She is 22 and seems to be floating about in life right now. She also suffers from really bad depression. I am a 27 and looking to get my state license and start a career. I guess for me, I remember being her age. I remember being at her age of crossing and not knowing where I was going and what I was going to do. I feel like because I am at a different stage, its causing some confusion in our relationship. The good news is I have shared my concerns and she always talks me through it. We talk about the future and although we're not certain what is going to happen, we both say we see eachother in it. Ive been an ass, out of my own insecurities and asked her several times why she likes being with me and if we should break up. She has always said no. That she is happy with me, that I respect her space when she is feeling very very depressed, and that while she is not a planner....she likes going with the flow with me. When we first began dating she was rather clingy. She was always over or I was always over at her place. She has lately been cancelling on me, or changing plans last minute and we end up just going over to eachothers places and staying in bed. Her grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and she took it really hard. She cancelled our date night and we ended up just getting intimate. I suffered from crippling depression at around 21. Most of it stemmed from my own sexuality and I remember not wanting to leave my bed for days...so while I try to empathize that part for her, I am no longer that person. She says she loves my confidence and I am so good to her. Shes never been in an official relationship and we constantly tell eachother how scared this process has been for us. (at 25 I decided I was done with dating and would be happy to be alone forever, obviously that didnt work out)

    Last week I went over to her place and we began talking about the future. I am in no way ready to move in together and neither is she. She says she doesnt see that happening anytime soon, but very maturely told me: you plan life and it changes on you and I could say this now and be ready sooner than I think. This confused me.

    But I guess in my crazy head, Im thinking if she tells me she wants to stay with me, we see eachother at least 4 times a week, why do I still feel like we're doomed? I mean, I know people say you have to take a chance on love and the other night when we were talking she was like Ive never been in love, but I imagine it goes something like this. She then very faintly said I love you...and I think I will continue to fall in love with you.

    I am very black and white about my feelings....being single for a long time and randomly dating without attaching much feelings has seemed to make me callus about this type of stuff. So when she gives me these weird.....im falling in love with you and want you in my life but then turns it around by cancelling on me im confused. Lately Ive had a very busy schedule and the time I do have I try to spend it with her and she just seems so nonchalant about disrespecting my time. Again, Im not sure if this comes from the fact that shes young and trying to figure out what career path she wants to take. She has family in Australia and is planning on going over there soon for a few months. I asked her if she wanted to take a break while she was gone and she was like.....lets cross that bridge when we get there....but I think not. She then told me about how the happiest couples that she knows, spend time away from eachother and that seems to make them stronger. She was like you seem to always respect who I am and what I want. Why would I want to end this?

    In a very cowardly way, I think I have asked her multiple times if she wants to break up because a part of me hopes she says yes one day. After talking to a friend about this, he was like I think you say these things to her and hope she says yes so your theory of relationships are bad can be confirmed in you. I was like omg this is true! I told her about this and she was like look, I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. But people hurt eachother out of miscommunication--we seem to communicate very well. We often leave these conversations agreeing we're good, we're happy, and its good we have these talks. But for whatever reason I cannot get it out of my head that she is going to leave me. That she is going to one day decide she doesnt like relationships. I feel like ive met my match in this mind game, because I used to be like this. Now I can see why previous romantic interests would be frustrated by me. I am trying to not take her depression personal. for a while we were having great sex and lately she seems to just be kind of out of tune with her body and i totally respect. But then the crazy part of me starts thinking: maybe she doesnt want to be with me, maybe she thinks Im bad in bed. She told me she loves our intimate life and is satisfied with where our sex is. I guess because her depression has been so bad lately, its been hard to understand this. Are my own insecurities self-sabotaging something good? Or is she bad? She makes me happy and tells me I make her happy, but sometimes her depression consumes her no matter what I do for her. I know breaking up right now would be devastating for us both and im not sure why I continue to get cold feet about our relationship status or our confusing future. I am not looking to get some 5 year commitment with her, Im honestly just trying to get through the year until I start my career towards the end of the year. Im thinking it is the pressures of THIS and HER that are just making me crazy. Someone help me compartmentalize...please!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi, I think if your gut is telling you this is temporary it is probably true because of circumstances and her age. Both are very possible and true. You are in different places as far as wanting to commit to a person. She has family in another country and she is going back.

    But, you are also pestering her after having dated only 6 months about whether she wanted a breakup. I think I would be depressed if I were her. This is the time you woo each other. She cancelled her plans but still hung out with you, right? That says that she really likes you and she is simply too depressed to go out. Her grandmother died! This is a new relationship and yes it could have an expiration date but you are just hurrying it along and sucking the joy out of it and you already know it. Please figure out your own head and just be there for her. Maybe it will be an affair to remember and not one you want to forget.
     
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