Problems having a lesbian best friend...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by sundancer, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    All my life I have had good female friends (obviously)... but then I kind of became best of friends with another lesbian. She's probably the closest friend I've ever had. However, we have our problems:

    1) Her girlfriend hates me. Doesn't even want to get to know me... even though I just want to meet her because that way she can relax and know I'm not after her girl. It's a little difficult being painted as the bad guy when she doesn't even try to get to know you and smooth things over! I really have tried my best to reach out but to no avail.

    2) I really don't want to be the tag along to their relationship problems. All their friends think I'm the bad guy and there's something funny going on between my friend and I. All of my friends think the girlfriend is nuts. They think that I'm my friend's emotional crutch. They say that my friend isn't getting what she needs from her relationship with her partner so I've become her surrogate. Kind of like having an affair without the sex and kisses (to quote a friend).

    My friends and their friends wonder if I have a crush on this friend as well... I tell my friends no, but then they all think that I am - I just don't know it yet. They also think that my friend has a slight crush on me or at least is finding something in me that she used to see or is missing in her partner. It's no secret that even though I'm sure she loves her partner very much and I definitely don't want to separate them, that we can talk all the time without getting bored of each other and we have similar thoughts. I don't want to get involved with my friend romantically or be her 'surrogate'.

    My question is this - if you have a best friend who's also a lesbian, where do you draw the line between just being friends and being each others emotional anchors/crutches/almost girlfriends without the benefits?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Don't listen to what anybody is saying. You know your own mind and they are chiming in where they don't belong. You know where the boundaries are already and you have not crossed them. Some people just click and talk all the time why do people have to psychoanalyse it. You tried reaching out to Yoko, um I mean her gf but she is going all nopey and harumpft on you. So here's what I would do to have a friend and keep some sanity to myself:

    Don't have your friend complain to you about her girlfriend. If her gf is jealous of her time with you she is the one who deals with it and not you. They need to work things out as a couple and your friend needs to work out how she balances her time and her relationships.
     
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  3. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Umm actually here's the part that I left out. By rough patches, I mean they were really rough. We weren't talking to each other and I was fine cos I wanted them to sort out their relationship issues. I blew up once or twice after trying to initially be understanding and supportive. But it's happened so often that's when my friends started to chime in and ask what's going on here.

    We are friends again and I'm glad for that, but while we weren't talking to each other again while they sorted out their issues, I went on a built my own life. I was doing perfectly fine. But I still missed having my friend around. Right now it's not the same, and I think it may be because I'm still wary of what's going on between them and that they still haven't handled the situation. I feel like the scapegoat the whole time - which is why my friends, when they found out I was talking to her again, said all those things in their frustration.

    She apologised and said that she had thought a lot about what had happened. I forgave her. When I updated my other friends who I had expressed my frustration to about the whole situation before, they said that she was manipulating me again and asked those questions like do I have a crush on her etc. I asked my friend whether she had a crush on me but she said she didn't... although I suppose if she said she did, I would have no idea what to say.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hey Sundancer, that is really rough and I can see your friends frustrated for you. It is hard but you can't really worry about what her friends think and whom they blame things on. You know your own heart and you can only take your best friend at her word. I can't imagine it can be the same if that is the such a cloud hanging over your friendship. You must be so tired of it. I guess the only boundaries you can set are in what context you can maintain your friendship so that you can maximize your comfort and companionship and minimize any negatives that go with it.
     
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  5. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    Yeah... I am tired of the whole situation and I do fear that it may return to what happened in the past. But if she really has learned from it then it's ok.

    You're right I need to set more boundaries. It worried me recently that she was flirting with me (harmless) and I told her she looked beautiful also... she told me that her partner never said that to her. In some ways I wondering if she was flirting with me first because she doesn't get that kind of attention from her partner. Either way I think this flirting this has to stop... that will probably be one of the first steps towards not being in an emotional affair.
     
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