Please tell me how to help her...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by theAppleTree, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. theAppleTree

    theAppleTree New Member

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    I'm not a native speaker and it's gonna be long, so please bear with me.

    ***you can skip the background and go straight to the last paragraph***

    Before my ex met me, she was living with her then bf of 6 years and she was only 23, stuck in an abusive (physically and emotionally) relationship, with lots of alcohol, weed, lsd... She didn't even eat probably. Even though she was gay all her life, she decided to take him as a cover while they were having fun, and that's how they started. But after we broke up, she said 'I think I was with him because of the free drugs. It's the first time I can admit it.'

    She was really crazy about me. And after 2 months of meeting each other, we kissed. I told her I am only ok with ppl taking drugs like lsd and weed occasionally, but I would never date or befriend with anyone who does cocaine, it's like cheating, for me. She said she was doing that much only because living with the bf, and she didn't like coke, took it a few times, but unlikely to take again. So we started seeing and... you know... 2 months later she broke up with him and moved in with me for a month while she was waiting for her own place. Everything was so good, no drug at all. Not even beer. She was eating again after many years. But now I realised it was because she didn't have friends, she used to do drugs with the ex, and the ex wouldn't allow her to have friends...

    I was happy, she asked me to be her gf 5 months ago, I said yes. We were happy. Too happy to aviod mistakes that I spent too much time at her place like we were living tgt. She went home for holiday on Christmas and stayed there for a month and a half. I was happy for her, that she could finally enjoy her freedom (her ex bf is from the same city, so she spent every holiday with him), she spent lots pf time meeting old friends, doing whatever she wanted to do. She was happy, but she decided to come back earlier for me, even though it would make her sad. She was crying all the time in her city without me.

    I moved in to her place when she was away because of the air-con, and before she arrived, I moved back half of my things that I didn't really need, but didn't have time to move all. She arrived, told me not to move anything and just stay there. No one ever used the word like moving in, but we were living tgt. The new honeymoon was good, but didn't last long, especially after she got her first job (part time). She said sometimes she thougĥt I didn't love her, because I didn't give her enough caresses and hugs, I said ppl have different ways to show love (she told me sth simliar before, she was scared I decided to be with her only because she changed her life to be with me). We were fighting an awful lot, and got worse every time. Whatever I did, annoyed her, and doesn't matter whoes fault was it, she'd cry and I'd hug her and say sorry... I was tired, so I just stopped, which made her to apologise to stop the fight and resent me even more... And as stupid as I was, I thought it was normal ups and downs.

    Two weeks ago, she started school, we decided I'd sleep in my place when she had class that next day, and it's only 2 days a week. But at the day we were supposed to spend the night, she went out with a hardcore drug addict friend, aka bff which she spent lots of time with this holiday, to a electronic party, I was totally cool with it, thinking she should've had some fun. Next day I asked how was the party and what she took, thinking it was lsd, she answered, cocaine. She had many reason, that lsd would make her being an addict again and the next time she take coke could be in a year and so on. I left. The next day I went back to her place, wanted to get my stuff back, and when we talk, it was obvious we both had the idea of breaking up, but when she saw that I had brought her stuff from my place, she yelled 'Are you leaving me!?' I was, but I wasn't sure, so just gave her some reason I dont even remember now. Later we talked calmly, she admitted she didn't love me that much anymore, like from 'you made me realised I can love', 'you're the sun of my life' to 'I don't know' and 'I think I want to be alone', she wanted to be alone because she wanted freedom--cocaine, the only thing I'm not ok with, but she also didn't want to hurt me by taking it...I knew it was just because she didn't love me, but I was scared, coz everything happened so fast. I wasn't ready, and didn't want to be 'dumped'. So I said it was probably my fault that had never given her the attention she needed, I was very sad, and she took her words back. No one mentioned the drug, I just thought if I could show her the love she wanted, she would stop doing cocaine. I know.

    Later I told her I wanted to move to a small town nearby, that she could have her time alone, and I could do what I really want to do. We can still spend weekends tgt, but she didn't like it, so we just left it there, we'd see until the day I leave. We spent a week and a half more, without fight, even when she yelled at me, I'd just suck it up. But I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, only she didn't beat me. This Tues she said she'd go to an electronic party again with bff. So we decided to break up, without hard feelings. She could do whatever she wanted to, and I wouldn't get hurt from it. Besides, things weren't the same anymore, after she said she didn't love me that much. However, I still spent the night with her, hugging, cuddling, kissing... I know.

    Everything was fine, I was actually happier, knowing it was the right thing to do. Until I found out she was taking a ton of coke right after we broke up. It was so different from the thing she said to me, she claimed she wouldn't do it regular again. And it's been only twice, as far as I know, how could she get scared by this when she used to take drugs everyday... So now I think she started it this holiday, and maybe even here at work, the dudes at the kitchen would take coke when they're working... And that kinda, not totally, explains her sudden change of moods, she never yelled at me before. There are many more signs, but the thing is I think she's seeking help, she knows she's fxxked now and she's got scared... But what can I do?? The first girl I dated here was a mega coke drug addict, I literally saw how she ruined her life... I don't wanna see it again, I wanna do sth before it's too late like the other one... But I can't tell her what I saw or where I saw it... She will have no one to talk to again, not even to an app...

    I still care for her so deeply that my hands shake every time I think of her and coke... Please, I really need some light.

    Btw, if you are read this line, I thank you for your time!!
     
    #1
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2016
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You can't help her, and you can't be the one who helps her. She needs to figure this one out herself. She will look at you like you are someone who wants to control her and, I think, drugs have always been her means of feeling independent. You and I know that it is only an illusion of independence because people gets hooked pretty badly on coke. But she won't see it that way.

    If you cannot bear to see what she is doing, you need to cut off all ties. Otherwise, you will be the co-dependent part time girlfriend who is cleaning up after her and attempting to get her to stay clean. For me, I don't want to be around people who do any drugs because even on the mildest usage level, it seems like it is all they talk about doing at the end of the day. For instance, I hung around people who did pot in my youth but after every outing, get together, movie, it was always back to their place to get high. I got really sick of the scene and found such obsession, life-sucking dull. (Not judging, just that it is something I don't like so I was with the wrong group.) If you don't want a girlfriend who has a history with drug abuse, I would advice against any drugs at all, and not place conditions on this drug but not that drug. And, I don't know enough about drugs, but from what I have heard, LSD is really HELLA scary because of the severe psychosis you can get from it.

    You probably don't know who John Belushi was, he was a comedian and died of an overdose. He was survived by a wife who did not do drugs. She maintained their marriage by deciding that she would have nothing to do with that part of his life. I don't know how she did it but she did. You could chose to stay with your ex gf part time and not have anything to do with her addiction but I bet you a nickel, she will be hitting you up for money and help in order to get more coke. She has already kicked you halfway to the curb, so, I really would advice against keeping whatever you have with her up. You were smart to drop her right away when she overstepped the limit so, I would keep running and not look back.

    I don't know what country you are from, but there are resources out there who help friends and families of drug abusers. It does not hurt to talk to them.
     
    #2
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
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  3. theAppleTree

    theAppleTree New Member

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    Thank you greylin, you have no idea how much your words mean to me.

    You're right about the part time girlfriend... I passed by her work place to talk to her and she invited me to have dinner at her place. After talking, she said she wanted me to stay for the night... I was hugging her in bed, trying to give any kind of support as I can. Then she said "it feels like we didn't break up". So this morning when I read your reply, I almost jumped out of the window (even though it was the first floor).

    I had sth wanted to tell her, and wanted to wait for a few more days, but I was passing by her work place at the time she was leaving, so fxxk it... She was very happy to see me, we talked a lot. I used her new profile pic as an excuse to tell her I knew sth was very wrong, but tbh, she really does look like shit in that pic. She invited me to have dinner at her place, I went thinking it could be a good chance to talk to her. And when I entered her flat, I saw coke and the tool right on her table... My heart stopped. I don't think I'd ever experience such pain in my life. We used to serve our favourite dish with the plate that is now serving coke... She was sober only for a few hours in three days, the days I wasn't there. And each time she takes, she's taking more... I told her there's sth I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't as a gf, because it would seem like I'm threatening or controlling her. I tried my best not to say anything like 'don't take drugs' or 'stop taking it now', instead, I told her to focus on her dream (don't fxxk it up), to be happy, to find the cause of returning to drug and fix it, then if she wants some fun, go for it! Because obviously she's not taking it for fun, but running away from her problem and reality. She said I was right about it. Actually she thinks I'm right about everything I said, things she'd never thought about before. That she's sad, she's scared, she's blaming herself for everything bad that's happened to her, she thinks she doesn't deserve anything good. And we came to a conclusion that she's taking coke this time as a punishment to ruin her dream for falling out of love with me... and so she won't stop until everything is destroyed... I also told her to stop hating and blaming herself, to love herself, because she's hurting everyone that cares for her, not just me, and if she can't love herself, she won't be able to love anyone. She cried and said she doesn't know how to love herself. I suggested her to deal and face with her sadness first, and I would be there for her if she needs sb to talk to, because every time shit happens, she just runs away, so she won't be truly happy. She says she wants to be happy and drugs can't make her happy, but it seems like a good idea now... The thing is she started drug as a young age, so it seems normal for her. And all her friends are addicts, way worse then her, so it's difficult for her to stay clean. Good thing is she's only seeing one now, even though she's seeing her a lot. She knows she should stop seeing her, but she doesn't want to "dump" her...

    I was talking most of the time, while she was just agreeing, but seemed quite sincerely. And the time when she talked, she seemed like switching from one person to another. One moment saying she's scared and knows that how it's gonna destroy everything, and she actually doesn't like it. She even told me how the drug is effecting her body in a bad way and that she was weak (she was planning to take the rest she had anyway, but then I showed up). Another moment telling me how crazy she was taking and the fun and all the details. It hurt like hell. It still hurts when I think about it. I tried my best not to cry listening how much fun she had, how much money she spent on it (she was really good with money and had been saving for her dream), and how she took coke for breakfast. I tried because I didn't want her to stop telling me about her feelings, but it was too much for me, so the tears just dropped. I cried listening, but she wouldn't stop. I know she still cares for me, so it was super weird. Later I figured out she wasn't having fun hurting me, but was actually screaming "help me", and she admitted it was because she was scared... She thanked me for talking to her coz she has no one to talk to, and promise she won't do the "special breakfast" again. I asked why didn't she talk to her bff from childhood, but she said she doesn't want to trouble anyone with her problem and no one wants to meet sb who's always sad.

    Anyways, she fully understand what she's doing and how bad she is going to get. She knows she will become really addicted and spend all her money. She knows she can still stop it now, but she doesn't want to/know how to. I've sent her bff a msg, telling her my ex needs help, just sb to talk to. I didn't really tell her what happened, but she got it and said she's been trying to talk to her and will try her best. So I think I can leave now.
     
    #3
  4. theAppleTree

    theAppleTree New Member

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    I didn't think of the word independent, but it seems so perfect to me now. I told her about her lonely childhood, the cause of the fear for being alone. That's why the loveless abusive relationship with her ex bf could last for 6 years. Then she was with me, and she was so in love. In fact, she was high in love. She said she never thought of drug during the time because she was alive. But now that the love is gone and she's all alone again, she can't deal with it. She needs sth to stay with her, but this time she doesn't do weed or lsd is because they make her "lazy". She's an active person and coke can make her active (she really did become active after leaving her ex bf), even though it could destroy her for good. I told her to do sth she likes, like climbing, she said she'd thought about it. And now all I wanna do is to lock her up in the climbing place until she master the skill of climbing with only one finger and one toe.
     
    #4
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi theAppleTree,

    I would suggest that you give her some resources like Cocaine Anonymous World Services https://ca.org/ and try contacting a hotline yourself. I was involved once with someone who had an addiction. I called a hotline and it was so very helpful. A lot of these addiction anonymous places have support people who will help the friends and families of the addict. They are pros on the problems you are facing. In my case, I tried to get the person to get help but it really wasn't something that I could insist on and all my efforts were pretty futile because it came from me, a person who was in the relationship. So, all I could really do is work on myself. I had to decide what I should do with this relationship, what I should do with myself. I had to think how I could keep myself from getting involved with someone like this again. I was already in therapy for other reasons so talking to the hot line and being in therapy for myself really helped me to be a happier person.

    I decided ultimately to end the relationship and it was the best thing for me. I tried to put up with it but I realized I could not. I realized that I was living with a running advertisement on how this addiction is "not so bad" and "it can be rather fun" and "it makes me better in some ways". You were not really talking to your ex anymore, she was a bag of coke looking for any reason to stick around. You don't have to listen to her stories on how much fun it is and you don't even have to have anything to do with her coke habit at all. You have control of what you can stand and you have a hard limit and she should respect it. She wants to talk to you? She can be sober and not on something or talk about being on something. She wants you over? No way, there's coke at her place, what if someone messes with her and there's a raid? I have lost a lot of people in my life because there are things they wanted to do that I don't. I have not had a single regret on that. I wish you well on finding love and happiness. From what I am seeing, you probably need to find it elsewhere.
     
    #5
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016
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  6. RLrose

    RLrose Member

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    Okay, run. run run run. I say this because I can speak from personal experience. My ex-girlfriend was incredible, funny, hard working, loving, generous, beautiful...everything you could possibly want in a girlfriend. BUT occasionally she would get carried away with drugs and turn into a different person. It was enough for me to say goodbye. I started dreading the nights she would go out with her friends because I worried she would end up doing drugs and staying out very late. Even if it was occasionally, it was in the back of my mind and I would talk to her about it, worry about it, and not trust that she would be on her best behavior when I wasn't around.

    It's okay for a bit because you hope it will go away but IT WONT!! Your girlfriend doesn't realize her love for drugs is completely 100% not okay. A relationship filled with many drugs will never be a good relationship. Also, there are reasons why she is doing drugs--issues with codependency, fear of being alone, blah blah blah. Do you really want to deal with this relationship? Also, I am sure she is great at getting you back and making you feel bad if you break up with her--don't listen to her story and put yourself first. I can tell you right now without a doubt this is a situation you do not want to be in...you sound like a responsible, stable human being...find someone else on the same page. you two are NOT on the same page. You'll thank yourself for doing this now, rather than wasting your time.
     
    #6
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  7. theAppleTree

    theAppleTree New Member

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    Thank you very much for all your advice. Many things happened, and I did the best I could ever think of. Then I bought an one way ticket and am now on the rocket to "wherever-she-is-not-there" :)
     
    #7
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