Please talk to me?

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Ryekiel, Dec 14, 2015.

  1. Ryekiel

    Ryekiel New Member

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    Hi! I really need someone's help because I've been stressing about it lately and it makes me feel awful and sad. So, I am a closet bisexual. I am kind of new to this thing but I am comfortable with some of my friends that knows about me being bi. They are supportive of me in a way that whatever my decision about my sexuality and relationships, they are always behind my back. But I often feel alone with this matter, because they can't relate to me. There are always limits, I think, about what are the things that we should talk about. Another thing is, I've had my first relationship with a bi too, and when it ended, I just can't seem to move on. Because she was like my bestfriend to me. Like, we can talk about all of the things. We had that connection and no matter what we do, we just can't "not talk to each other anymore". I am trying my best not to be attached to her anymore since she has that special someone already, but she keeps on keeping in touch with me. She wants to regain our friendship, but I can't give it to her. At least not now. I need friends, that are like me. Can you please talk to me?

    P.S. I am also thinking of opening my sexuality to my family but I have concerns with it.
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Hi, sweetie; it sounds like you're having a rough time right now. Am I right in guessing that you're pretty young (maybe still in high school)? I'd be happy to talk to you - I'm queer, came out as bisexual when I was fourteen, have dated men and women (and lots of my friends - mixed bag, that), married to my legitimately adorable (female) partner of 6 years. I completely understand the feeling of not being able to talk to your friends about your sexuality - lots of my close friends have been straight, and it took me a long time to figure out how to engage with that... and how to make queer friends.

    Here are some things I wish I'd known when I was a baby queer, which might be pertinent to you:
    1. You don't have to be friends with an ex. In fact, you never "have to" give anyone your love or friendship, especially if you don't have the emotional capacity right now. All you have to say is, "I value your friendship, but what I need right now is space. I will get in touch when that changes. Thanks for understanding."
    2. You don't have to come out if you're not ready or safe. If you want to come out, the only thing you're responsible for is your own honesty and safety - not the reactions and emotional well-being of your family or friends.
    3. People have some feelings about bisexuality, but you don't need to be responsible for those feelings. The only thing you're responsible for, again, is your honesty and safety.
    4. It's okay to seek queer friends and queer "family." In fact, it's one of the perks.
    5. Being queer - bi, or gay, or pansexual, or asexual, or any other flavor - can be great, and a real source of strength; my experience totally runs counter to the cultural narrative of "why would anyone choose this?"

    What in particular do you wish your friends could relate to? What are your concerns about coming out to your family? How did your relationship with your friend start, and how did it end?
     
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  3. Ryekiel

    Ryekiel New Member

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    Reading this message got me tears, thank you!!!! Yes, I do sadly. I am perfectly fine but not okay emotionally. I am young, 18, but graduating in college already. I am really greatful for your response. Sometimes, I don't know if I am over reacting or what, but they seem kind of not interested with what I want to talk about with them, like seeking for advices. But I think they are not at fault. With regards to coming out to my family, I am the only girl, and my mom really wanted to have a baby girl. I am like that, but I am scared that if she will know I am a bisexual, I am afraid of what she will say. Maybe I am not yet ready.

    It started with being friends online. Then talking everyday, getting text messages from each other and she was always calling. We talk about a lot of stuff that we both can relate to. And then, she confessed to me. After a few months we became official. She has this attitude of "not being contented" with her partner and is kind of flirty.. We were okay until her ex crush came back and then we suddenly didn't talk. After a week, i think their fling ended and she wanted to came back. I ignored her for two months and within that period, she keeps on messaging. I still love her so I gave her a chance. And then we were okay again for a few months until I became kind of busy with school activities. Then, I have learned that she was talking again to another girl, and while we are not talking, they are always talking. Then, we suddenly didn't talk again. Just indirect messages that meant we are done. After a month she wanted to talk to me about what happened. That talk just explained what happened but it was not really a closure. Then we didn't talk again. Until on nov, she is saying that she misses me and wants us together, but she was talking with the other girl so, what i did was just to let go of her. Then, on her bday, she drunk called me saying that she still loves me and was crying. The next day, we didn't talk again, she just said sorry for calling. She keeps on trying to keep in touch with me up to now.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I debated PM'ing you, but I think that there are some other folks on here who may have Things To Say about disinterested friends, moms with expectations, and the drama train you just described (and as to that last one: I'm really glad you're off the train; please stay off!). I've only got a few minutes, so I'll just comment on the first.

    When I was 17 or so, one of my friends responded to my bisexuality by saying, "But you're going to end up with a guy, right?" I mumbled something in response, but what I heard was, you're still like me, and we can still dish about boys, and I don't have to dramatically adjust my expectations about what successful life as a girl looks like, right? So I didn't tell her about the girls I found attractive, my lady celebrity crushes, the mess with my first girlfriend, sexual experiments, etc. She has since growth the hell up, we're good friends, she made a million cookies for my wedding (to Not A Guy), but that moment was formative for me, in that I realized that the path I was forging, the doors I was opening, would be incomprehensible to people who had previously been my allies. And you know what, that's fine. My friends didn't have to care about it, but I wish I'd gone and found a few new friends, who shared more of my experience.

    The truth is that the advice you want is not specialized to being a rainbow-flavored young person; you're worried about your mom's disappointment (fact: so are most of your friends!) and have an ex who is not great at boundaries (like most teenagers in relationships). Your sexuality is relevant, but not necessarily central here, and if you want to talk about this stuff with your friends, you can. I promise there are experiences that they share.

    You can also make new friends. Queer friends are lovely (if you can manage not to fall in love with them), and can help normalize what your straight friends will treat as weird and other. Try a local youth center, or some kind of meetup, or community service groups. Your college will probably also have some friend-making resources and queer community groups. If the people who are your support system are not supporting you, it's a good idea to look for some new folks.

    What have been your friends' reactions when you talk to them about your experience/ask for advice? What DO they talk about? Have you thought about anywhere you could meet some fellow queer folks?
     
    #4

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