Please, please help. I’ve got myself in such a pickle.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Only for awhile, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. Only for awhile

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    This might end up being slightly long. But if you could stick with me, I would appreciate it so much. I feel like I’m drowning in these feelings and I desperately need advice.

    I have been with my wife ‘P’ for 14 years, 4 of which we have been married. We’ve had our ups and downs as most couples do, but I love her very much. For around 10 years, I suffered with health issues that meant that I was out of work and unable to go away to school. Myself and P had lost a lot of our friends when we came out. So essentially I was pretty much friendless.

    As my health got back on track, I decided to join a community project. Whilst on this community project I made a small group of brilliant friends, including ‘B.’ Me and B have become best friends. We have this incredible bond and connection. And they completely accept me for who I am. We went from being acquaintances, to friends, to best friends. And whilst in one way that’s great and it makes me so happy to have this incredible best friend. In every other way, it’s agonising. Because I have come to realise that I am completely in love with B.

    At first I thought perhaps it was just a little crush and that it would pass. But as time has gone on, it’s only gotten stronger and stronger. And now I’m so in love with B that I feel like I’m suffocating. I have researched all the ways that I can get over this, but nothing works. I’ve tried to avoid B, but it’s tricky because avoiding B means avoiding my other friends. And because I didn’t have friends for so long, I feel like I missed out on a lot and so I don’t want to lose my other friends. And to be honest, I don’t want to lose B. I just don’t want to feel like this.

    This has been going on for three years now and I’m at my wits end. I can’t talk to anyone about this and I feel so lost and guilty. My wife has suspected that I might have feelings for B, but I have always denied it. I don’t see how telling her would achieve anything. It would only hurt her and I don’t want to do that.

    Recently these feelings have intensified even more. B has a new girlfriend and I’m so jealous that it scares me. I’m worried that I’m going to end up blurting out how I feel and I think that would ruin everything. But then on the other hand, these feelings are such a burden that I sometimes wonder if it’d be better to tell someone. And what makes things even more complicated is that me and B have this strange chemistry going on. I don’t even know. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. I often think about what it would be like to have a family with B. I’m so in love with B that it hurts.

    I’ve tried to cut off all contact but B always pulls me back in. Nothing has happened at all, but I feel like I’m betraying my wife. I feel guilty and sad and confused all the time. I don’t t want to have my cake and eat it. I don’t want to cheat on my wife or hurt her. All I want is to get over B and continue our friendship. Please please help. What should I do?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi,

    If you were my niece, I would tell you how worried I would be about your emotional and physical health. I would not worry about any of the relationships you have or not have. I know they are important to you but look at how lonely you are. You were lonely before you came out about your sexuality. (Could that have contributed to your previous state of ill health in the first place?) You lost friends who were not really friends. But that lesson taught you also to hide who you are and your feelings right now.

    Yes I understand that you don't want to admit every stray feeling for another person to your wife. You don't want to hurt her, I get it. But when she asks, you need to examine how you really feel and what you really want and tell her. There are clumsy ways to tell someone things without regards to someone's feelings and there are better ways to do it. Either way, it is not pleasant to tell someone such truth.

    The good news is, you have not cheated. You have been faithful. People who are married, who are in relationships will often find other people attractive in some ways. Sometimes, it is something that actually would break their own relationships when they find what they have is not really what they want after all. You have to be really honest to yourself first and really figure out what you want.

    Sometimes, when we feel that we cannot tell someone about an attraction, it can become worse and worse and an obsessive thought. In that case, it is all you dare not to think about and all you think about. There are ways to combat obsessive thoughts. There are also ways to dis spell attractions to someone who is not your wife. Sometimes it is good to tell the object of your desire what is happening with you so she can help you keep some sort of distance. But it needs to genuinely be in the form of you not wanting to get together. Someone I know once had her husband’s friend tell her that he had feelings for her. She told him things like that happen and not to worry about it. She still socialized with him but they came to an agreement that they will keep certain boundaries so as not to stoke his feelings further. But just that he could tell her, just the way she helped him feel that he was not gross helped a lot and they had remained friends.

    In the mean time, while you are figuring yourself out, and this feeling of guilt about how you feel come along, just tell it that you will worry about that later.

    And things like this do happen a lot, people having feelings. Please don’t beat yourself up. Emotions cannot be untamed. We can acknowlege and adapt but we cannot just squash and hide. I wish you all the honesty, good health and peace in your life. Feel free to vent here.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
  3. Only for awhile

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    Thank you so much for your reply. I felt like crying when I read it. I think I’ve realised how desperately I need to be able to talk to someone about B and work through what I’m feeling. I think voicing it is the only way I might be able to move forward.

    Funnily enough, me and my wife had a conversation yesterday about what we should do if one of us liked someone else. She said that she wouldn’t want to know. Even though one part of me feels like I’m lying, my gut tells me that telling her about my true feelings for B would only cause a lot of pain and mistrust. She would stop me from seeing B, which would be perfectly fair, but B wouldn’t understand why and I would hate that too.

    I can’t even really figure out what I want. I read some other people’s stories that are sort of similar to mine and several people made a very astute point by asking - “what would you do if your crush said that they felt the same way about you?” And here’s the thing. If I told B my feelings and B said they felt the same way and wanted to be with me. I don’t even know what I’d do. Honestly at first I think I’d be elated. But then, I don’t want to get divorced. And the thought of my wife being with someone else makes me feel ill. What a hypocrite I am.

    I think you were right about B becoming almost an obsession. I worry a lot about how much I think about B. I mean it is almost constant. Where are they? What are they doing? What are they thinking? And then I’m checking my phone every few minutes, hoping that I’ll have a message from them. I know it’s not healthy at all, but I can’t seem to stop.

    I honestly don’t think I’ve ever felt like this about someone before. Maybe not even my wife. I want to grow old with B, raise a family with them, be their partner in everything. I know this can’t ever happen. I don’t want to feel like this. Every day I wish I’d never met B.

    Tonight I almost confessed my feelings. I dropped some hints, but B is so easygoing and uncomplicated that they didn’t pick up on any of it at all! I was almost disappointed. I think I could tell B how I feel and B would probably be amazing about it. But that wouldn’t solve the problem. B would probably be almost too amazing about it, and cut off contact. Perhaps that would be sensible. But it would ruin everything. Me and B are both freelance and often work together in a small group. So it’d make that situation very difficult. Plus as I said before we are both in a very small friendship group, so if we weren’t talking as much or couldn’t be together in the same room, it’d really affect everyone else.

    I have been through so many tough situations, but honestly this feels like the worst. I’m married and hopelessly in love with my best friend. My jealousy of B’s new girlfriend is getting worse and worse too.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Yes, there is always a chance B could be into you as well. But you would only approach them to acknowledge whatever it is that is distracting you in your long term relationship in hopes of setting up some boundaries.

    But, let's take B out of the equation for a moment. I think in fantasy, you probably have thought of situations where suddenly you are single again and you would go running off with B. But I bet if your relationship is all of a sudden gone, you would have a hard time even thinking about B.

    So, again, let's say there is no B. Are you really content with your wife? You have mentioned the children thing twice now. The first time you did not say you wanted children with your wife. The 2nd time you said you would want them with B and not with your wife. This is more significant to me than your feelings with B. Surely your wife can't be everything to you, but the wanting to have kids part is serious.

    If you can't talk to your wife or B, you need to go see someone. This is hugely unhealthy and going on for 3 years. I would submit that B is just a catalyst of a problem you have, not necessarily the cause.

    To use a very crude analogy. I just came off of a situation where people just applied cheap fixes to stuff and suffered mental anguish, despondent about ever getting a cure till they found the right people and paid to fix it comprehensively. If you are up for it, interview a few lgbtq therapists about your situation and invest some time on yourself. I cannot imagine feeling like that. B is like a drug to you and like you said, it is an obsession.

    And yes, if you work with B, you don't want to @#$$ where you eat. I get why you are not telling them.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Here's the thing...would you want to be in a relationship with your wife if the roles were reversed? Meaning: would you want to be in a relationship with someone knowing that person were madly in love with someone else? I guess some people are happy being a consolation prize, but the fact that you cannot -- or will not -- be honest with your wife about the most basic of things, i.e. your feelings, tells me that the foundation of your relationship/marriage isn't as solid as you would think. The bottom line is this: your wife deserves someone who is as into her as she is into that person. If that person isn't you, don't you think you should allow her to find true happiness with someone else? What you're doing may seem harmless, but it's an emotional cheating of sorts -- even if it only involves you and is one sided with B.

    Do not be in a relationship for the relationship's sake. If all you have is time, then what do you really have? Will you wake up one day regretting your marriage because you're constantly having thoughts of "what if" with someone else? Even if it's not B...I would tend to think that if you were truly happy in your marriage, then perhaps you wouldn't have entertained thoughts of someone else? We're all human and capable of making mistakes, but....for example, I'm pretty darned happy with my life, my marriage, and the idea of someone else isn't even a remote thought in my head, so on some level you were open to something. As @greylin said...B is likely a symptom of something much deeper. You need to find the cause.
     
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  6. Only for awhile

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    Thank you guys for your messages. They mean so much to me and it’s so valuable being able to get some unbiased points of view. This is hopefully simultaneously replying to both of you.

    I feel like I want to give you a bit more background on myself and my wife. Just because both of you have mentioned how B may be a symptom of something deeper. If I’m honest, I never even considered that. Could that possibly be true?

    So in regards to myself. I’m very shy and reasonably insecure. I have only ever had one serious relationship - my wife. And that is not a problem to me at all. I had always loved the idea of marriage and committing to one person. I’ve never had urges to play the field or sleep around (no judgement on that btw, it’s just not me). So I don’t think this is a case of feeling like I’ve missed out. Throughout my life, I’ve only had three proper crushes - one being my wife and one being B. So I don’t fall easily.

    My wife is my high school sweetheart. As I said before, we have been together for 14 years. For the majority of those years we were ridiculously happy. In fact, we were probably that couple that makes everyone feel ill, they’re that devoted to each other. After we got married, things started to fall apart. My wife was emotionally abusing me and we got to the brink of getting divorced. Yet in spite of that, we fought to be together. We sought help, we made the effort. And we did that because we couldn’t imagine life apart.

    But of course, these things do have an impact. Every day we work on our relationship. And I honestly do love my wife to pieces. She’s not second best and she’s not someone I’ve just decided to settle for. I just love two people. I didn’t even know that was possible. But that’s what it feels like. Yet in spite of me saying that, I have thought about what would happen if we were to break up. There are practical reasons that would make it hard to break up and emotional reasons. That’s how I feel when I can think about it logically. But when I imagine it’s actually going to happen, I fall apart emotionally. I want to know my wife throughout our lives, I’d miss her so much. I don’t want anyone else to have her. And I realise how incredibly hypocritical I’m being. But this is the problem - I feel so messed up inside.

    I have started to think that I should leave the country. I know that sounds incredibly melodramatic, but maybe I should be away from my wife and B for awhile to clear my head. It’s obvious that I’m being incredibly unhealthy and every day I hurt more and more. Currently I’m trying to keep this all in so as not to drag anyone else into feeling as wretched as I do. But it’s killing me slowly.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It is possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time. I am not sure that is always the case because a lot of times people are not happy in their relationships and they supplement with activities that make them happy and meet people who like doing the same things. Then the stray feelings happen.

    Of course you would not imagine starting a family with someone who has emotionally abused you. It is one thing to forgive and stay with that person it is another thing to bring a kid into it. You met when you were very young and things changed. It changed around the time when your health improved and you got married and found work. Do you think your wife got used to being the person you depended on? So you then got better and have friends as got another life, she abused you for being independent?

    I think if you could get away, just even a weekend road trip will help some. Maybe a start? Then I would get some help. You are not a hypocrit or bad. Life has thrown you some challenges, take that journey and find your peace with it.

    I think despite what you want to do and do what you think is the right thing. Your emotions are smarter and threw up some defense mechanisms in the form of B. Someone like B is more of the ideal in raising a family, perhaps?
     
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  8. Only for awhile

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    Thank you so much for replying greylin, you’re so kind. It’s interesting what you’ve asked about my wife possibly resenting my new found independence and confidence. My mother has always said that she believes that is why me and wife started having issues. I have always denied that being the reason, but perhaps that’s something I should explore. My wife does tend to get a bit put out if I have plans with my friends.

    I’m also going to seriously consider a road trip. My birthday is coming up and I could possibly get away for that. My mind is constantly whirrring and I desperately need a break from it. This weekend I’m struggling more than ever. At B’s mother’s insistence, B has taken their new girlfriend to meet B’s parents. It’s all I can think about and I’ve been trying everything to distract myself from obsessing over it.

    I’m also worried sick about this upcoming week. Myself, B and a few of our friends are doing a Halloween experience. It’ll be the first time that I meet B’s new girlfriend and I’m absolutely dreading it. It’ll take all my power to not show how jealous I am. And to complicate matters further - my wife is coming as well. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I tell people this because I have used it for myself and it works. I went through a period of time where I had obsessive thoughts.

    Two things I learned is that...
    1. Telling yourself not to think about it does not work and works totally against your aim not to think about it. But thinking about something else helps. There are always things you can focus on for a short period of time to help.

    2. Tell yourself you do not need to worry about it. Obsessive thoughts are like bad birds, like those mofo bad ones Hitchcock filmed. You don't want them to roost and start a family. So you say, when the thought appears, it is okay, I know you are there, but I am not going to worry about you now. I can worry about it later if I want to. This way, you keep delaying the landing and once your perspective is restored, it may get tired of circling and fly away.

    You will be ok, you are a good, caring person who has battled a lot tougher things than this. You do not need to battle yourself. Just accept yourself and you know you will find away out of this.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    BTW, your wife probably won't like you celebrating your birthday on your own. So you might get some weirdness from that. I mean she does not like you going out with friends so she probably won't like this? I am not discouraging it, but just be prepared for it. Please give yourself a break and focus on your work for now and get through that and plan the trip.
     
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  11. Only for awhile

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    Thank you so much for those tips on obsessive thoughts. I especially liked the comparison to Hitchcock, I’m a massive film fan so that was great. I’ve already tried to put what you said into practice and I think it’s helping. Although if I’m honest, any moment where I’m not thinking about B is a small victory. I’m literally taking life one minute at a time right now.

    Sadly my wife won’t mind at all if I celebrate my birthday without her. She hates birthdays and holidays (I love them). Last year I went to the theatre by myself and out to eat by myself. This is another way in which I find myself thinking about B. When I first met B, they also weren’t too keen on celebrating birthdays and exchanging gifts. But because I enjoy giving gifts so much (and B says I’m awesome at it), now B is totally on board and has already ordered my present and put a day aside to celebrate with me. But that’s just what a best friend would do I guess. I try not to misread B’s efforts for me. I can at least recognise that that’s not healthy.

    I tried to tell my wife how I was feeling tonight. But she totally cut me off and told me that there were certain things that she wouldn’t be okay with and wouldn’t forgive me for. Not that I even got as far as mentioning B. I literally said “I wanted to talk to you about something.” But she didn’t want to listen. In fairness, my wife probably has a pretty good idea. Firstly, she obviously knows me really well. But secondly, she’s always said that me and B are “weird together.” And if I so much as mutter that I’m stressed, she’ll always ask “are you stressed about B?”

    More and more I’m wondering whether, regardless of the B situation, me and my wife should be together. Maybe loving someone isn’t enough? I would miss her forever if we broke up. But I’m not being fair to her. I’m fantasising about someone else, I’m dreaming about someone else and I realise that we still have massive issues to work through. She doesn’t completely trust me and I don’t completely trust her. All we have is this overwhelming need not to lose each other, but can that be enough to sustain a marriage? And as ever in amongst this, B sits in the back of my mind. I don’t know how my life got so messed up.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Have you noticed how much people, like, just react?

    I have noticed more because when I drive everyday, the honking goes off at every split second delay there is in a traffic situation. If work is hell and demanding, everyone's in a hurry to get to it. Or maybe they are not in a hurry to get to it, everyone is minding how much someone is stepping on them, getting in their way and we are getting conditioned to such aggressiveness. So we adapt to these things. We react before someone else does.

    So she reacted before you could say anything that could get in the way of your marriage. Sometimes, couples need to stop reacting and either find a way to sit down and talk or go straight up to a marriage counselor. A counselor can be amazing sometimes can steer words to another direction. What if your aim in talking with your wife is not to decide something. What if you are just trying to understand her and you? Maybe just start with that. Because, before, both of you had a common enemy. Now you have broken out of the confines of ill health and stretching a bit, your relationship, you and your wife have changed. What if, right now, you two need to date?

    She knows you pretty well, but her whole perspective is not to lose something. It has gone from not losing you to ill health to not losing you to your new life. When you look at things like that, no matter how much you "know" someone, your understanding remains narrow.

    I maybe projecting, but I know I get really anxious when I feel like I have a decision to make. I run through all the scenarios in my mind of how everything will turn out and I get tangled into the details. Maybe the biggest thing to do is not so much you need to know what you are going to do. Maybe the biggest thing to do is understand what this marriage is to you and what she is and can be to you. Even if you stay together, even if you break up, put the work into communicating. Put some work into finding some romance to be had while you are communicating.

    The way you sound right now, even if you make the decision to break up, you will forever wonder if you have tried your best to get things sorted first. That, if you don't understand what's going on now, it might follow you into the next relationship.

    As far as besties and workplace stuff. People with unhappy marriages often find their escape there. Certainly, with besties and work buddies, you don't have to cook, keep house and pay the bills. So hanging out with B must feel like a holiday. That said, if I were sitting at the bar next to you and I hear this stuff where she doesn't want to celebrate your birthday or how she cuts you off when you tried to talk. I might say, "Oh geez, just honk at her and flip her off." But that would be me reacting.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
  13. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Been following this...and thinking...you got together with your wife at a very young age. Not to diminish anything, because I know high school sweethearts that are MY age that have been able to withstand the test of time. However, they're the exception rather than the norm. The difference being...we are very different people at 17, then we are at 27, 37, or even 47. If all you have is time, a comfort level, and a fear of the unknown...then what do you really have? Rhetorical questions you should be asking yourself...is she STILL your best friend? Do you still get excited to come home to her? To touch her? What defines your relationship? Are you happy WITH her? Or, are you merely roommates without the romance that are entangled together by life, bills, housing expenses, etc.?

    At the end of the day, only YOU know what the right decision is for both you and her. Just try to live honestly.
     
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  14. Only for awhile

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    Thanks for the replies again @Spygirl and @greylin. If anything, things have just gotten worse. And I think I’ve messed up a bit. I had a pretty rubbish weekend anyway, but B had come back from a weekend trip to their parents with their new girlfriend. They had an amazing time and it was plastered all over social media. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not spiteful. I want B to be happy and have a good relationship. But seeing it played out was like being stabbed in the heart and the knife being twisted. I actually broke down. And I realised at that point that I don’t think being friends with B is healthy for me at the moment.

    So I essentially messaged B under the guise of some other friendship issue and said that we should take a step back and concentrate on being work colleagues. Obviously I hadn’t really thought this through. B was confused and upset and worried. But I couldn’t tell B the real reason and so B became pretty annoyed and honestly I think I’ve hurt B, which I feel devastated about. Yet I still think that’s better than the alternative. B and I could come back from a fraught conversation. Confessing my love is a whole other bag.

    Anyway, the conversation ended with B saying that they couldn’t do this anymore. So I decided to give B some space. Perhaps that all might be okay and I could re-address the situation in a few days. However there is a massive problem. Tomorrow me, B, my wife, B’s new girlfriend and a few of our friends are doing a Halloween experience. And I desperately do not want to go. Firstly because things aren’t right between me and B, but more than that, I CANT see B with their new girlfriend. It will kill me. Honestly the thought of seeing them cuddled together makes me feel faint. I’ve tried to give my tickets to someone else but it’s too short notice and no one wants them. Plus my wife wants to go. So she’s confused as to why I don’t want to. It’ll all be in pretty close proximity so it’s not like I can just make sure that I’m not too close to B and their girlfriend. I have no idea how I’m going to handle it all.
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would take the day off at this point. And there is no faking any illness needed, you are in such a state! It is ok to rest and regroup. Your health is more important.
     
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  16. Only for awhile

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    Oh @greylin, how I wish that I could! Fortunately I’ve managed to have a bit of time today to try and gather myself. However my wife confessed that she’s actually really looking forward to doing the Halloween experience and then one of my friends was really upset that I couldn’t potentially come. So me being me, I said of course we were still coming. There is no getting out of it now.

    I feel ill with nerves of how I’m going to cope. So any suggestions are more than welcome! I don’t want to be accidentally glaring at B’s new girlfriend or acting funny. I don’t want to make things awkward or be an emotional wreck.

    So far my action plan is this:
    - I’m getting my hair done in the afternoon so that I feel nice and hopefully confident enough to hold my head up high.
    - the experience is around an hours drive away. I’ve told my wife that I’ll drive. This way I’ll hopefully be too busy concentrating to overthink anything on the way there.

    That’s all I can think of for now. Unfortunately me and B haven’t spoken since last night’s debacle so there’s that issue as well. I don’t think I mentioned this previously, but B’s girlfriend actually contacted me a couple of weeks ago for advice on B’s Christmas present. B had sent them in my direction saying that I was awesome at presents. And I was very helpful and nice, but we did briefly mention the Halloween experience and B’s girlfriend told me that she would be holding onto B and squeezing their hand. So yeah, that’s going to be insanely hard to see.
     
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  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Oh you poor thing. I don’t know how to impress upon you to take better care of yourself and gain some emergency perspective and maturity to avoid this pretzel you are getting yourself into.

    Every problem you have right now you have your mind to thank as your enemy. Your mind paints yourself to a corner on everything. If you don’t want to think about B, please don’t get plugged into social media. I know our lives are bombarded in many ways but there are ways to just turn off.

    I identify with you a lot in my youth where I thought my feelings were not important. At the same time, I feared not being taken seriously on account of my youth and maturity. So I did things to please and not be a flake. I did things even though I felt bad doing them. I lived with and tolerated things I should not have. I did not take myself seriously and I had trouble loving myself.

    Maybe your first thing to do is to find things that please you in whatever situation you stuck yourself in today. You don’t have to be anywhere you don’t want to be.

    As far as what you are doing with B. Think of Mr. Bean and the Mono Lisa. Talk about a pickle. Sometimes it is ok to be honest. “You are a great friend. There is nothing wrong with our friendship. I have feelings for you I should not have. I want to be professional and not be bad to you, your gf and my wife.”

    And...please don’t put things in writing, texts and whatevs that is heavy and or negative. You have something important to say, you owe it to people you love to do it in person. I am still learning that, just ask my poor gf.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 22, 2018
  18. Only for awhile

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    Thanks again @greylin for your wise advice. I thought I’d give an update on what happened at the Halloween experience. So to give a timeline, me and B had a bit of a falling out on Sunday night. This is after I tried to push B away. Anyway, it wasn’t even 12 hours before I felt so utterly bereft and it wasn’t even to do with me being in love with B. I suddenly knew that I just couldn’t lose B as a friend. I’ve never had a friend like B, irregardless of the love issue, B is truly a kindred spirit. And I knew that B was hurting too. I also knew that I’d gone about things all wrong anyway.

    So on Monday night, me and B had an amazing heartfelt chat. I confided in B about something bad that happened when I was younger and B was incredible about it. I mean, actually incredible. And so supportive. I’d always worried about telling B. I don’t know why. We also told each other that we loved each other. I mean I’m pretty sure it was as a best friend from B’s point of view. But to cut a long story short - I can’t cut B out of my life. And to be frank - B won’t let me. And even though my feelings haven’t changed, I did feel some sense of peace in realising that I’d rather have B in my life as a friend then not at all.

    So that leads on to Tuesday evening where we all met up for the Halloween outing. I met B’s girlfriend and I was very friendly. At one point, B went to the bathroom and so asked me to look after their girlfriend. I tried to engage her in conversation, but interestingly she didn’t really give me anything back. And I know that people will think that I’m just saying this but....I’m not sure I liked her really. Yes perhaps she was nervous but I don’t know. I’m very tuned in to people’s emotions and I felt like she perhaps didn’t like me or was very wary of me. But she didn’t make any effort at all. Me and B also had to tone down our friendliness. B told me later that they’d wanted to have several hugs with me but it probably wouldn’t have been okay with the girlfriend. Anyway, I survived the experience! It was hard, at one point I saw B and their girlfriend holding hands and I had to look away. But honestly I was proud of how I coped. And I know I have nothing to be proud of considering I’m married. But as messed up as it is, it’s the truth.

    At the moment, my life is completely up in the air. I still love my wife desperately and want to make things work but I also love B and want them in a way that I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone before. It’s not just a physical thing either, I want to look after B and do even the most mundane things in life with them. My marriage is so difficult and my wife is an incredibly difficult person. I don’t know if our marriage will last. I don’t know. Everything is so hard right now. And the most ironic part of it - B is there for me as a support at every stage. What have I gotten myself into.
     
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  19. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi there!

    Phew! Glad you did ok in light of all the anticipation you've had. You really sounded like you were in a very bad state, so, yes, be proud of how you had coped.

    From where I am sitting, I would say you need help. You and your wife also need help. I don't know what's all going on between you two but if you would agree that B is more of a symptom, and a catalyst, then it is time to address the underlying issues. I am sorry for repeating things. Please don't be afraid of getting help and taking care of yourself.

    I used to think that I was not worth getting the help I needed. I used to think that if I did better, or were mature enough and learned how to control my feelings then I would have been okay. Feelings are feelings and you can't really control them.

    So, I didn't even try to tell people I was unhappy. When I had asked for advice, I would ask, "Do you think it is fair that this person treated me this way?" or "How could I find a way to not feel so upset, was I wrong?" Instead. I now know I should have said, "This person did this, and I don't like it." Or even better, I should have told the person directly I don't like what she was doing. I don't know if any of this applies to you but I want to illustrate how therapy had helped me unravel some of my old ways of thinking and has helped me live a better life.

    BTW, B's gf gave you the stink eye probably because she was there when B was in a state after you had a falling out. Well, that is neither here or there. Please take care of yourself first and figure out how you feel and what it is that you want. You are worried about everybody's feelings but yours. You worry about your feelings, but always in context of how it would affect everybody and everything else.

    And, have a great birthday. :)

    (edited from previous post to clear up some things, sorry, a headache came on and I completely threw up a bunch of words)
     
    #19
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2018
  20. Only for awhile

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    Well @greylin, I certainly agree with you.....I definitely need help! So yet again things have changed, and as usual nothing is ever simple!

    On Saturday night, my wife and I had a disagreement which by Sunday night had turned into a massive fight. So much so that I ended up at my parents asking if I could move back in. And I had pretty much decided that I was done.

    Amongst me being very upset and stressed about this, B was there for me as an amazing support. And when I told B that I was basically now single, things seemed to change between us. Me and B have always been a bit flirty with each other but this flirting felt like it had gone up a notch. When I told B that I would probably end up alone because not many people liked me in that way, B replied with something like “maybe more people like you than you realise.” I know that I shouldn’t read too much into that, it’s possibly just what a great best friend would say but if I’m being honest, I was excited by what B was saying. Which I do realise is messed up.

    Anyway, of course I was also incredibly stressed and upset because of the state of things between me and my wife. I returned home on Sunday night and on Monday, my wife and I had a long talk. I told her that I didn’t think our relationship was healthy anymore etc. But as we talked, we found the idea of being apart too upsetting to even consider. I stayed and things have been wonderful ever since. But yet, here I am still so unsettled and stressed because I want to be with my wife, I can’t give up our marriage, but I want B so much too.

    And believe me, I know how messed up and selfish and stupid I sound, but I just can’t seem to help it. If I try to get space from one of them then it never works and no matter what I do, I love both of them. I have no idea what to do! Perhaps if I wasn’t so selfish then I’d just be single and forget about both of them but I just can’t. I love my wife but me and B’s connection just keeps growing stronger and I am so attracted to B that I think about them constantly. I just don’t know how this will ever be solved.
     
    #20

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