Please help me.. I need any advice...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by SA 21, Oct 4, 2013.

  1. SA 21

    SA 21 Member

    Oct 4, 2013
    Likes Received:
    I am really sorry for this long post, also for my english..
    I am really lost and could use any advice...

    I have been in a long-distance relationship for 1 year and 4 months now and I have known my girlfriend for 2 years before we first started dating. This relationship was everything to me and still is, I love my girlfriend truly.. and I was never this happy in my entire life. I know for sure that she loves me, we really have an amazing bond, we've had it even as friends but once we fell in love it got even deeper and stronger.. Our feelings were always mutual, our views on life and reality were the same, it was just like knowing what the other person is thinking and feeling.. Knowing someone to the very core.

    We had this amazing,perfect relationship full of love,care, tenderness, jealousy as well but it made our love go further and deeper.. I felt that she truly loved me and couldn't live without me.. I was her only true friend during really hard times,just like she was to me.. Everything was just perfect.. we live in the same country,but not in the same city so we managed to meet in person only 2 times,which was really hard to do but we did it.. We live in a very homophobic country,our parents are homophobic as well, so this is really a true forbidden relationship...
    Everything was going just perfect,of course we had our ups and downs like every relationship,but we always loved each other and cared for each other above everything else.. I felt like i could always lean on her, and she always said that she feels the same way..
    We kept telling each other how we cannot see an end for this relationship.. and I must say that i still can't get a picture of her never coming back to me and not being with me till the end..

    Everything bad started 2-3 months ago when her parents started forbidding her everything,her phone,her private things, kept her indoors and she wasn't able to contact anyone for those 2-3 months.
    I must add that we've been planning on moving in with each other last year (as friends") and her parents forbid her to move to an other town,even though she is an adult.. ( they are really controlling )
    But everything started going down in those 2 months, we were not able to contact each other or anything, i heard from her 2 times and the only thing she said was that she can't be with me anymore,that she can't take it to be in any relationship at all, that she needs to make things up to her friends ( which she chose not to contact for some time while she was with me - i never said anything against her going out with her friends), and to her parents ( which is not needed at all,because they are the ones treating her badly and not the other way around ) i asked her if she loved me and she wouldn't say anything, after begging and begging she finally said "it stopped okay" like she just stopped loving me in those 2 months without contact.

    I was shocked,desperate.. I begged her to come to her senses.. asked her if she could be happy without me,she didn't answer at all. We always say that you can truly love only one person in this life,and that it's the highest point.. the beginning and ending of everything.. and we always said that we feel like that for each other... I felt her love truly.. and i love her with all my heart,she is all i ever dreamed of...
    And i know that she was truly happy with this relationship.. with our love.. and all of a sudden it all ended? I couldn't believe it and i still don't believe it's true.
    I asked her if she met someone else and she said no,she didn't leave the house at all.. So i still believe that you can't just stop loving someone especially if your love was so strong,and nothing happened that could make you feel less for that person...
    I asked her if she could be with someone else and she first said "No'' and then she said after this mess is cleaned( in her family ) she'd be with anyone" which hurt deeply because we really had something special.. and now she'd be with anyone"...

    She even said " I can't be with you even if you are my true soulmate" and she said that she believes that she can't have a love like ours with anyone else...
    She got her phone back, she started college,met new people and it's all killing me, because i always knew what was going on in her life and now i have no clue.. she's being very cold to me,very distant, she's been ignoring me,telling me she'd love it more than anything if i moved on,found someone new... Today i called her and asked her how she's doing, and if she is happier now and she said no" and afterwards she said something like she doesn't care.. But i heard it in her voice that she is lonely and acting like something she's not..
    I've been thinking and thinking and i've realized that she is probably just scared that her parents might find out she's gay, they would really harm her, and i can understand that she is now closed up,that she's running away from me like i'm the plague.. I must add that this kind of break up happened once before, 4 months into this relationship.. but it lasted for 7 days,she came back.. and said" now i am ready to fight for this" back then she's been telling me the same things she is now,that she needs her space,peace,time for her friends ect.. but she always chose to be around me all the time...
    I asked her this time why she came back to me the first time she broke up and she said "because you made me happy"
    I feel that she is lying to herself,running away from what she is.. She might still love me.. i believe she does.. but even if not.. she is just lying and being something she's not.. She didn't even contact her friends now and she's been telling me that she needs that, like she needs them more than me..

    She's acting like she needs to be cold to me,she refuses to tell me what is going on inside of her.. And i feel like i can't reach her at all.. Which is very unknown and unusual to me.. The only difference between this and the last break up is that back then i was able to soften her and to make her feel stronger.. to make her realize what we had.. and this time it seems like i can't.. and this time it's been going on for over 2 months... which is really really long...

    I just can't believe that a love like ours would end just like that.. She was even ready to die for me.. I felt it.. Our love and feelings were always the same,very mutual.. I just feel like the only logical explanation is that she is too scared that her parents might find out.. and to forbid her everything again.. She might feel like she won't be enough for me now..
    She even said ( like the first time she broke up) that she wants a "normal" and easier" life..
    I am sure that she just keeps to herself now,and feels like it's the easier way.. but i am sure that she will never be happy like that.. She is just too scared.. And i would do anything to make her realize that we are the right path... That she mustn't give up on us... But i feel like everything i say just pushes her more away from me.. She is very stubborn and if she is convincing herself now that this is for the best.. she might really give up on us..

    I know that she wants and needs so much more from this life than just a few friends,going out and being with just anyone".. she would always tell me how she is enormously happy because she won't end up like her parents.. because of our love..

    She is my whole life.. I am so lost without her.. i feel like i know her better than myself.. and all of this is such a big shock for me.. Even now when she is so harsh to me i feel like she's just someone who needs my love.. and needs to give her love to me... Like i always felt during our whole relationship.. I let her so deep into my life.. and i've learned everything about hers.. It was not meant to end so fast.. so rough...

    I can't and don't want to give up on her.. I feel like if i break off the contact now again it will all be lost.. I feel like i need to fight for this more than ever now... I just don't know how.. without pushing her even more away from me....

    I am so scared that i will lose her.. I am so sorry for this long post... but please if someone has some advice on what i should do... or if someone has had a similar situation.. please i am going crazy... I am so scared that i might push her away.. or that i am not enough for her to realize that she is making a huge misitake..

    Thank you so much in advance :(
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
    Likes Received:
    This is so so sad, SA. It looks like her parents finally took the fight out of her. I think they found something and it was so close to an out and out revelation that caused her to be a prisoner in her house for 3 months. I bet the parents could not even say what it was but just grounded her. I can almost hear her internal gasp and mortification of being discovered.

    She is rebuffing you because she is lashing out at you for the little bit of her life she can control. She can decide to drop you and just be without. Though everything you said about how you think she feels and what you two have is probably correct, I do think you have to back off. If you do not stop pushing, you will just remind her of the mind numbing, faith blinding control she lives under. You can only let her know that you will be there for her if she decides she wants your help. Then you have to let go of any thoughts and any anticipation that she will come back. You can still love her in your heart and I know you will. But ultimately, you have no control on her side of the situation and you have to recognize that and be respectful of her about that, even though you know she is under deep coercion.

    I will have to disagree with you on one thing. Even though you can love so deeply, I don't believe there is only one person in your life you can love that much. You will probably love her differently than you will love another. But trust me, if she does not come back, you will love again. Be good to yourself and do not martyr for this. Find peace and love and rebuild in a better place overseas. Perhaps one day she will need you, and you will be in a good situation to help her.

    EDIT: Sorry for mentioning the overseas thing. For some reason I misread that you had moved to another country. At any rate, my advice is that you build out a good life for yourself and perhaps one day when she does come to you, you would be in a position to help her.

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