Please help me figure this out...

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by mdfmori, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. mdfmori

    mdfmori New Member

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    I am finding myself in a bad place and or betrayed by my own feelings. This might be a bit of a long thread but I could really use some advice or perspective because I am not thinking straight and don't know if what I intend on doing seems petty and unfair.

    THE STORY:

    I met this girl at my work about a year ago and she was super cute. I can get pretty shy and did not approach her. She eventually approached me. She seemed interested in knowing who I was etc....the usual. Well, we eventually exchange numbers and we talk here and there. She always seemed busy or replied at random times or would contact me at random times. We hung out once and she told me she was hesitant about spending time with me because she was already in a relationship. Which was okay when she said you seem cool. Lets be friends. I thought: okay! we seemed to have quite a bit in common and were always talking. I felt rather uncomfortable with the situation after a while and asked her what the deal was because she seemed to be displaying feelings of more than friends. I brought this up several times and she just seemed really resistant to talking about her then current relationship. After hanging out several times in groups, I felt myself developing feelings for her so naturally, I distanced myself. I figured if she was in a relationship, it was for a reason. I then went into giving her the occasional hello and how are you....rarely texting.

    So, she one day randomly messages me and asks why Ive been so distant. I tell her why and she tells me she seems to be developing some real feelings for me too, but again is in a relationship. She asked if friendship would remain on the table and while I said yes, i also told her it was probably a good idea to not hang out. I also explained to her that I did not want to ruin anything for her. To which she said she respected that and knew my intentions were good for not trying anything...because she wasn't willing to do anything although she really liked me. I thought: this is a great quality. Its the way it should be! One day she showed up at a friends house for a small get together(i had no idea she was going otherwise I would not have gone). We had spent the last 2 months through this awkward state of flirting and then ignoring eachother. For me, it was out of guilt that I was wedging myself into someone that was already taken....so at this party she got pretty drunk, I was pretty drunk and we were eventually all over eachother. We stopped and said she really needed to talk to me and if I would give her a ride home. So, I did fully knowing I was not going to do anything with her. So when we got to her place, she began telling me her relationship was a bad one and this was possibly why she was acting on whatever she felt for me. I did not know her GF, so I was in no position to trash her. I wasnt sure how to be a friend for her because I had feelings for her. So, we left it at that.

    So a month or so goes by, and while I was hurt, I eventually got over it. She called it 'bad timing' and while I thought this was sort of bullshit, I just went along with it. After a while the awkward system we had set for ourselves got annoying for me. I knew my feelings.....they were real after months of exchanging stories, hanging out, and sharing personal issues we both shared. I felt like I set myself up to feel like this and I was kind of lost in my own head. So, I graduated from school and moved to another location where I was able to put my degree to use. The week I left, I had heard she was having 'problems' but figured if she wasnt telling me it was for a reason and, I was tired and jaded. I just wanted out. So, I left and found out they had broken up the week after I left. She would occasionally contact me, but I had already started seeing someone else and again, did not want to get lost in those emotions again. I myself realized I did not want to be her friend....we had no definition for the word friendship. Every time we tried it, it turned into talking about our feelings or how she felt such a strong connection to me but the timing was bad.

    A few weeks ago, a friend that still works with her mentioned to me that she had been 'asking' about me. What I was doing, where I was etc....I was on the fence about reaching out to her but my friends were like dude, just see how shes doing. she obviously misses you. So, I text her. She invited me out for a drink and we spent most of the day together just talking and catching up. It was nice sitting in front of her not feeling a sense of vulnerability. I thought those feelings were pretty dead. She then asks me about the girl i began seeing (which it didnt last long) and I explained this to her. She then began dropping hints about how compatible we were and how I deserved to be with someone like her. (because we really do have an insane amount of crap in common)
    While I appreciated these comments she never flat out said: we're broken up....although i already knew. She just kept making comments and plans for a future for us.
    I left that day feeling happy and angry that the feelings I thought were gone....actually weren't. She spent the whole week texting me and calling me. It was nice....it seemed like this was finally going to happen for us but I was very aware that she had just gotten out of a relationship....i do NOT want to rush into anything. So one morning she calls me to talk to me about the usual and I asked her about her relationship status and what her intentions were. She said, this is a conversation we need to have in person and cut the conversation after this with a 'I gotta go but have a great day and we'll talk soon'

    She didnt contact me for 3 days after that. So, I finally getting frustrated text her last night to see where this was. She said we could meet in a couple days (she just got a promotion and is busy) and while we were planning for something this week, I cant. So, we're planning to meet next week. While talking to her she kept telling me we needed to meet weekly and keep up with one another. I text her this morning and she seemed rather short with me. I am not a huge texter and neither is she so I did not think too much of this, but it bothered me. She suddenly seemed.....distracted. Today at the gym I mentioned this to a friend that knows us both and he jokingly said may shes got multiple people in the same place as you. This made me crazy and I have not been able to stop thinking about this. The truth us, I know how I feel about her. While she has told me how she feels about me.....I am not sure what this means to her. I KNOW she is possibly trying to enjoy being single, which is why I am not going to rush us into anything, but if she is talking to other people....I honestly want nothing to do with her. Not even as friends. My feelings for her were real and while I met a couple of other girls while she was not single, I still had her in the back of my mind. I do not want to go into a relationship, but I also do not want to compete with 10 other people (if this is even the case). I am justifying my [no contact] out of me being honest with myself knowing wholeheartedly that I will not be a good friend to her. Our history is messy and I feel petty writing this, but I am a good partner with a great future. I do not want to play this game of awkwardness again because the one barrier we had is now gone and she seems entertained by this. I also realized, I reached out to her. While i did not initiate us hanigng out, I contacted her. I feel like I will be the only one putting in the effort to only be hurt. My last two relationships left me jaded and in a bad place. Which is exactly why I do not want to go into a relationship with her right away. But, it would be nice to know she feels the same way for me. Otherwise....I want out. Is it pathetic of me to NOT want to be her friend? I just know myself, and I know harboring this resentment will not allow me to be the friend she needs me to be. I have one more year of grad school and have a busy year ahead of me. Another reason why I think a relationship would not be ideal if she is not certain of her feelings for me. I know a year from now I will be in a different place financially and mentally.....but I cant expect her to not date or whatever. Im torn between wanting to see if this has a future and just cutting her off completely. She will randomly text me and just stops replying.....I am confused on what I should do? Im hoping us talking will clear the air and I can be honest with her in telling her I do not want to be her friend should she not feel the exact same way. Any advice would help....I feel like Im being dramatic, but I know myself and am at least honest with myself about it. Does this make me a bad person? because I have so much to look forward to in the following year and I want her to be a part of it, but I do not want to dance around this carousel of emotions again when I feel like Im the one putting in the effort to take it somewhere.
     
    #1
  2. RileyG

    RileyG New Member

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    Holy shit! Lol dude you need to let her go. You literally gave red flag after red flag that she can’t be what you want her to be in your life right now. After that it was just you convincing yourself why you should keep trying to chase her down and contact her. What I’ve learned over time and what my mother even always taught me, IS NEVER BEG SOMEONE TO STAY IN YOUR LIFE. If they wanna go or they can’t be there for you like they should be if they really gave a f*** about you, then you need to let them go! It may sound harsh but I promise you it’s only tough love. I was literally in the same boat as you like three months ago except my situation didn’t progress as far as yours. My girl had a relationship, we connected like I’ve never connected with another woman with before, she told me it was “bad timing” (which she was right), and then after we split ways physically she kept talking to me. She kept FaceTiming and falling asleep on the phone with me, texting me all day, and I called her on all my lunch breach and everyday after work. It was the cutest shit. But i knew she’d never leave her girlfriend for me. I know your chick probably did leave hers even though you’re not sure. But my girl refused to leave her’s. She had too much invested with this girl she was dating for a year and said she couldn’t just leave it and risk it with me. We kept talking and finally I got some damn self-respect, dignity, and realized it wasn’t fair for her girlfriend and I sent her a long goodbye text. She sent me a nice long one back. It was so nice and sweet, I couldn’t even be bitter about the situation. It was for the best. Even though she still will comment on my Instagram stories and like my pictures, I feel free and totally over it. I can even say I wish her and her girlfriend the best. Because her stringing me along like she was wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to her girlfriend. You need to get it through your head that there are sooooooo many people in this world. Sooooo many gay women and soooo many that you can still connect with and hit it off with. Move on for now. Focus on you, your goals, your family and friends, and bettering yourself. If one day she figures out what a great person she missed out on and she comes running back to fall into your arms, maybe entertain it. Sure, if the spark is still there. But for now, move on and set yourself free and let her the hell go. Protect your heart when it comes to women like this. Don’t let people have one foot in and one foot out of your life. If the relationship is worth it, they need to be fully engaged and be all in for you. Period.
     
    #2
    Spygirl and greylin like this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    @mdfmori Hi there. I think you know what you really want. You have given it all the chances you could give (while working and going to school!!!). She is habit forming and that is all, don't give in again. Your feelings are real and the sparks were spectacular, but it does not mean it will make it work.

    You are a nice person, you are doing good to let go of something you cannot have in your life. My feeling is that she has no emotional courage. She is shopping again because she does not believe she could be with someone nice. She will probably go for some charismatic and needy jerk she knows she could keep. If that is the case, it might give her this sad and charming air that attracts you. Find a woman who knows what she wants and she will see you and all the lightbulbs will go on everywhere. Don't settle for maybe, ya laters, and texts here and there.
     
    #3
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Let her go. If you were truly a priority she would not treat you the way she's treated you. It seems like she wants to have her cake and to eat it too.
     
    #4

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