Please Help...I HATE Feeling this way!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Aries72, Oct 21, 2015.

  1. Aries72

    Aries72 New Member

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    Hi all. I really need some advice. This may seem long but I want to explain the whole situation.

    About 4 years ago, I was in a relationship with a man. It wasnt good at all. I started talking with a friend of mine from high school again. I will call her D for this post. I knew she was a lesbian but I do not care about that. We talked all the time. She was replacing a void that I didnt have in my current relationship. She made me laugh and eventually became my best friend. Then, me and the guy broke up. D waited a bit then told me she wanted to explore our relationship. I agreed...even though I had never been in a lesbian relationship but I knew we had something. Boy did we! It was amazing...she made me feel like the most beautiful woman on Earth. She would tell me how she "stalked" me for months....looking at my pictures on FB. but the way she would say it didnt sound creepy. lol. She Pampered me. Sex was like something I had never felt before. Sensual. She would even write me these sexy poems or notes that would drive me crazy. We ended up moving in together after about 3 months and about 6 months later is when it started to go downhill. D came into my house and pretty much took everything over...washed clothes, cooked, cleaned...I would always tell her that she didnt have to do all that. But she insisted. She wanted to pamper me so she said. Then I saw the jealousy come out and the obsessing began. She was always questioning every thing i did. She was always texting or emailing me...questioning me. If I didnt replay ASAP...she was thinking I was fooling around. This was a constant battle with her and I cant tell you how many arguments it had caused. I tried and tried to help her overcome this. We split up for a time and I even suggested that she go to a therapist. She then would tell me the therapist thought I was the one with the problem. I felt sorry for her and I really did love her so I let her come back. She did change for awhile and everything was good. But the obsessiveness and accusations started again. I put up a wall. Anytime she questioned me, I would get pissed and walk away. Our communication skills sucked. I will admit that. Then she'd blame her accusations on her period or her meds. This went on for about 1 1/2 years. The more she would accuse...the farther away I'd become. During our relationship, I worked in an office that was kind of across the street where she worked. About 10 months ago, I got a new job in the local hospital. She started applying at the Children's Hospital that is connected to where I work and got a job there. It got even worse then. She was constantly emailing me wondering who I was talking to and also just popping up during her lunch break. I had nothing to hide but I also wasnt at my desk every single minute of the day to answer her emails either. No matter how I tried or what I said, she would keep doing it.

    Eventually she started having "girls night" out with some co-workers about once a month. I didnt mind it at all because I am not a jealous person. I encouraged it because I thought it may help her. Anyway, those nights became more frequent but I also knew that she was with a group. On Sept 28, she came to me and said she was leaving. I was shocked and mostly heart broken because she was my best friend....my rock...whenever I needed someone. She said that she wanted to be "selfish" and do things for herself. OK...I can accept that if that's going to make her happy. Plus our relationship had been rocky. She moved back to her moms and we were still talking. On Oct 11, I saw this girl at work that looked very familiar. When i got home, I looked her up on FB. She was the girlfriend of one of D's co-workers and low and behold...they had broke up a week before D left me. That was my "a-ha" moment. The sudden interest in roller derby (co-worker is on derby team), wanting to wear bandanas (this chic wears bandanas). So I asked her. She denied it saying there was no one else. I told her that I thought we owed it to each other to be honest. She still denied it. She said she just wants to go out and have fun without having any responsibilities. i could not shake the feeling that she was lying to me and I had to find out....this is when I did something so out of my character that I have made myself sick over it ever since.

    I logged into her email account. Even though she always let me know what her email passwords were I had NEVER logged into them until now. Not only had she saved some pics of this girl and emailed them to herself (dated 09/21/15) She has reservations for a room at the beach this weekend AND this is the KICKER....She has taken one of those HOT, very erotic, sexy poems that she had sent to me earlier on in our relationship and copy and pasted it then sent it to her work email. (remember this new chic works with her). It's word for word the same. The only thing that is different is the 2 small sentences that she deleted out mine.I think this has hurt me more than the actual break up. She doesnt know that I know all of this. So the other night, she came by to get a few more of her things and I asked her again....was there anyone else. She denied. I told her how I saw that girls gf at work and saw that they had broken up a week before we did. She still denied and swore to me. OK so....this whole episode has made my stomach go in knots. I feel nauseous. I cant eat. Just over a poem...a poem that I thought was mine...all mine. Part of me wants to pack up the rest of her crap, drop it off at the hotel this weekend then send this new chic the screenshot of where D had sent me that same poem and be like...hey does this sound and look familiar?!? . Then go off on D herself. The other part of me wants to just leave it alone. Should this girl know?? Shouldnt she know that probably everything that D is saying to her, writing to her, was said and given to me first? It's all part of D's seducing tactics. UGH...everytime I think about it I get ill. I dont know who pursued who but two relationships were broken up because of it. This is tormented me for the last week. Whats should I do?!?!
     
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    Last edited: Oct 21, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Make a clean break from D. Make her clean out the rest of her shit. Block her numbers, block her fb, change all your passwords.

    Then get counseling. You were in a toxic, controlling relationship. She was obsessed about you, tried to control you, took over everything. Why did you go along with it for so long? Why did you give her so many chances and put up with so much bs? It is not your fault what D did to you. But you have to understand your motivations and reactions, so something like that doesn't happen again.

    As for the other girl - don't warn her. For starters, she broke up one relationship and hopped in with D. For seconds, you don't know how either D or the girl will react. You don't need D pissed and coming after you. You are lucky you got the hell away from her unscathed, don't push your luck.

    The poem thing is shitty and sleezy. The tough thing is that, to some degree, abusers dehumanize their victims. D never saw you clearly, because her mindset warped her perceptions. First, you were this coveted thing, then, you weren't good enough. But you were never just you. So the poem wasn't something that she used to connect with you, it was something that she used to lure you. And now she has moved on and is luring someone else. It hurts to realize that, I am really sorry for that.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would leave it and call it quits for real. Send her stuff to her moms while she is away and leave a note goodbye. Her co-worker can take care of herself. Just be very very thank goodness almighty glad you are rid of her and you didn't have to resolve things via HR.

    The poem hurts like hell I am sure but the sender of it has shown you her true colors a while ago and what you got left was a good memory of how you got together and now even that was taken away. You will need time to get over this hurt but I am actually relieved for you as I was reading this that she has left and gone over to someone else. You no longer have a problem or any shred of her that you need to hold on it. Grieve it and soon you will find peace.
     
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  4. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    While it may hurt,I believe you got lucky when she left.SHE stalked you.SHE used her insecurities to justify her leaving.SHE doesn't do exclusive.Make a clean break as earlier advised.Go through the motions and THEN move on....
     
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  5. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Yup I agree with all the above, the girl you were dating is a manipulator. She didn't do all those wonderful things out of love she did them to gain a element of control and the feeling that you owe her. She did it to play out her "perfect relationship" fantasy. When the fantasy dies or runs it's course she goes looking for the next one. Relationships are a bit like a wagon being pulled by two horses. Both horses need to be pulling equally, otherwise the wagon veers off course and is almost impossible to control. The problem with manipulators is that they like to do all the pulling. Long story short. Don't feel guilty, the email thing whilst a breach of trust has helped you establish what she is. A liar, a cheat and someone not to be trusted. Give yourself a pat on the back and move on. This is a bullet dodged! Have her stuff sent back, burn the poems and get on with your life :) You don't want to waste any more time or emotional baggage on this girl. She's not worth it.
     
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  6. Aries72

    Aries72 New Member

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    Thanks to everyone for the replies. I never gave her any of my passwords. She told me hers thinking it would make me want to give her mine. She'd say "I dont keep anything from you" LOL...didnt work.She was controlling and obsessive. I think it drove her crazy that I wouldnt give in to certain things. I stayed longer than I should have...I guess I always wanted to believe that she would change. But today has been eye opening. I think actually writing everything in my original post was also cathartic for me.

    She would tell me stories of her relationship before me. These 2 actually worked together as well. Like how this one would constantly be standing over D while she was on the phone questioning her about who she was on the phone with....wouldnt let her go anywhere by herself, etc. Ive come to realize that it was D who was doing those things to gf.

    This girl is a piece of work. She lures people in, tries to control them, obsesses about every little thing they did and she's one who pays close attention to every word you say...almost memorizes everything. Ive just realized that she chooses girls she works with or works near.She want them under her thumb....to watch everything they do. I dont get it. Why make yourself crazy like that? When the relationship ends,it will be added to her list of failed relationships that she can tell the next person....and of course, she is never in the wrong. Vicious cycle.

    I still havent figured out how I'm getting her shit back to her or if I wanna tell her exactly how I feel and how sleezy she is about the poem thing. I'm waiting until her cellphone is transferred from my bill to her own. Once that is completed, there will be no more strings.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Do the cleanest thing you can think of in order to keep her from poking back into your life. I don't know telling her off would do it, or it would only make her come at you more. She is the type who likes to feel justified and get the last word, no?
     
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  8. Aries72

    Aries72 New Member

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    Yes...she always had to have the last word and always thought she was in the right.

    I am really pissed at the moment. Not only at D but at myself. I was once a strong person. A happy person who always laughed. And I somehow, allowed her to strip that from me. D was my only friend for the past 3 years...now I realize that she alienated me from MY friends so she could have me all to herself.. Anytime I talked with one of them, she'd go on one of her jealous episodes. So eventually, I just stopped talking to them just to have some peace with her. Why? I don't know.

    She came by on Tuesday to get some of her things. I was trying to be cordial because I am sick of drama. She asked how I was doing...I told her I was fine that an old friend of mine had contacted me and we talked for a very long time. It was actually good for us because my friend is going through some health issues and needed someone to talk to. We had even made plans for this weekend. Well now, this old friend wont return my call or the couple of messages I have sent to her. I have a sneaky suspicion that D (or someone D knows...new gf maybe) contacted my old friend and there's no telling what she may have told her. I guess D wants me to be alone and not have anyone to talk to while she is out drinking every night. I really dont know how to go about bringing it up to this old friend of mine. I dont know how to reach out to my other friends that I turned my back on. Karma is bitchslapping me right now.
     
    #8
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Karma isn't bitchslapping you.

    D was abusive. You are dealing with the fallout from an abusive relationship. That is not karma. D is not karmas dispenser of justice. D is a screwed up person who controlled you and hurt you.

    Quit telling D anything. She is obviously totally fucked up.

    Once D is out of your life, reach out to your old friends. Tell them the truth - that D was possessive and you got wrapped up in things. Apologize. People will understand. If they don't understand, then they aren't really worth having as friends, anyhow.

    And keep those love poems / email shots of love poems, just in case you need a little proof.

    Here is an interesting website that explains things a little better than I can. Emotional abuse and control are more subtle than physical violence. But they are about the same things - trying to dominate and "possess" your partner.

    http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
     
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    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
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  10. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Clearly,D doesn't want you to move on BUT you have the ultimate control,the final say.She controlled you and your life and now its time you took back that control.Make new friends,find a new hobby,go to therapy and talk to your old friends and explain.If they are true friends,you will get the support you need.Find a way out of this unhealthy situation.You've been given plenty of advice on this forum which is the starting point.
     
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