Please Help, I don't want to lose her

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by anonymous147, Dec 16, 2013.

  1. anonymous147

    anonymous147 Member

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    My girlfriend of 11 months broke up with me a day ago. I’m honestly struggling quite a lot with the whole thing, mainly because I know that it was not the right decision and she did it in the heat of the moment. Although she says she has been thinking about it on and off for a while, which I also have, we both know that we want to be with each other in the long run. We both see each other in our future, she even said this in her break up speech.

    She walked out and then 2 hours later, she text me asking if I was ok, to which I of course didn’t respond. I then rang her the next morning, asked her to come over and talk in a more reasonable and rational manner. She said yes immediately and was over by 9am the next morning.

    I said my piece, I said that I thought the decision was wrong and that we both still clearly loved and cared for each other more than anything. She is going through a lot of change in her life, including this being her first serious relationship, and when you aren’t out to your parents that’s a very hard thing to be involved in. I know all this because I have been there before. I told her that I understand how difficult everything is in her life at the moment, and that I wanted to be her rock, to be there for her while this was all going on and that’s why I told her to come back and to just chill and slow down. She just kept crying, and said I was being unreasonable by saying it was a mistake and that we just needed to see how it goes. She didn’t argue, just said that she and made the decision and it was the hardest she had ever had to make. I just pointed out the fact we were both miserable at this decision so it clearly isn’t the right thing to do. This relationship is worth working for.

    I said I would give her all the space and time she needed. 5 hours later I get a text from her trying to start a conversation, I didn’t reply until I got a series of text asking why I hadn’t replied and why was I ignoring her. We exchanged a few texts un I didn’t reply to one and then half an hour later I got ‘goodnight’ x . I didn’t reply to that one either.

    Today she text me this morning, asking why I was posting stuff on twitter, and was it to provoke a reaction out of her etc, which none of it was. I then just asked, are you speaking to me because you are guilty about making me upset etc, and if you are then please stop because it isn’t helping.

    She said no. And that’s where I am at, I’m confused, I’m hurt and I’m heartbroken because I love her more than anything. I can’t ignore her, or play any games because that’s not who I am.

    I don’t know what to do, and I’m a bit of mess.
     
    #1
  2. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    I've been in a bit of a similar situation. Long story short - I was in a relationship with this woman, now my ex. She cheated. It was rough. I broke up with her, it was mutually the right thing to do. Then RIGHT after we break up, she keeps texting me, asking how I'm doing, what's going on, who I'm with etc. as if nothing happened! Crazy. Her logic was that we could still be friends; whatever. I wasn't interested, it was silly.
    My point is: my ex was having a hard time letting go completely, which is clearly the case with your woman. It's a very illogical situation to me. Why break up with someone just to keep talking to them as if you two are still in a relationship? How does that make any sense? So, keep talking to her if you would like to get back together, or you see some hope in the situation. Otherwise, if you want to move on the way I wanted, stop talking to her, block her, delete her number and possibly change yours. Move on with your life and find someone that's sure about what she wants. It'll be hard, but trust me, you'll get over her and be happier in the long run.
     
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  3. anonymous147

    anonymous147 Member

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    Dalo - thanks for replying and really great advice too. I thought I would post an update to the situation...

    So the evening before christmas eve she asked if she could see me for a few hours before I went away for Christmas. I agreed, and she came over in the evening and brought over some Christmas presents with it. I obviously had some too, which I had bought a few weeks previously...so thought I may as well give them. She has spent a lot of money on these gifts, which surprised me - and she had only bought them the week previous to our 'break up'! What the hell? Who askes for space but then spends a huge amount of money on someone they aren't sure if they want to be with?

    I remained as normal as I possibly could (i.e. not bursting into spontaneos tears or shouting how much I hated everything), I didn't want to show any hurt or be weird and I wasn't. After an hour or so, she just comes up to me and then makes her move which obviously ended up with us sleeping together...I knew straight after I shouldn't have done it...well done me on making myself even more confused! She then left, as if everything was completely normal and all I wanted to do was ask - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

    Roll on past Christmas, (during which she texted me every day and just kept telling me to chill and everything would be ok blah blah) and we were due to spend New Year together, I decided that this wouldn't be a good idea and instead saw her for an hour on New Years Day, as she was due to return to college and wanted to see me before she left.

    I got a bit drunk on New Years eve and texted her, I told her that I loved her etc and said that I knew she loved me so why couldn't she just say it, to which she just said;

    'I'm not ready yet'

    Now, I said this after she declared her love for me after we had been together for 5 months and then a month later I felt ok and ready, but that was at the beginning of our relationship...WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? I felt so embarrased that I said this to her and got that as a response and went into full on panic and protection mode. I hate not being on the same page so, so much.

    Again, I wasn't sure if I wanted to see her but I did and unfortunatley as soon as we sat down I just burst in to tears. After a month of not knowing what was what, and her treating me like I didn't mean anything I simply just couldn't take it anymore. She didn't even realise that it was her that was causing me to be so upset, as she had thought she had got it across that we were fine. But I just said it didn't feel fine, and she hadn't told me what she wanted. I wanted answers and I wanted them that night because I needed to move on if this wasn't happening.

    I said, do you want me in your life or not? Because if you don't want me to be with you then I cannot be in your life, even as a friend. She said she wanted me in her life, I then said, so what are we doing? Am I your girlfriend or am I not? She just said does it matter, and I said yes. She then agreed with what I said, but I'm not sure if she really took it in. She just said the issue was that I had put too much pressure on her to see me while she was away at college, even though I only ever went to see her when she asked me to and it was about once every two weeks. I admit, it did get quite tiring for me...

    She said she wants space, but she has been the one to text me good morning every morning, thoughout the day and then goodnight before she goes to sleep... She even texts me when she is home after a night out... AGAIN, WHAT THE FLIP? I can't deny that I love it when she does, but it's also mighty confusing...

    So, here I am, still with her but after this I can feel myself beginning to push her away, I'm rebuilding the reliable wall I once had before I met her and the wall she asked me to let her through. I don't want to ever feel how I did when I wrote this post. I know that I want to be with her, but i'm not quite sure right now how to reach a compromise without her running away again.

    I will keep this updated on how this goes and pans out, due to see her next week as she wants to come home for my birthday so I guess we will see what she is like then!

    What do you think?
     
    #3
  4. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    Hey 'Nonymous,

    Sad as this is to say, she's using you. I can say this confidently because I've once done exactly what she's doing to someone. (Unfortunately, I was in a bad place and very irresponsible). In my case, I was just out of a bad relationship (*above), met a woman that was alright, she treated me like I was everything with respect, admiration, and desire. She was all the things my ex wasn't in that regard and she made me feel very wanted. The thing is, despite all this, I never felt a strong chemistry with her. I knew this from the start but lead her on, because she was there and available, despite the fact that I knew deep down that I could never really be with her.

    This girl is doing the same thing to you. Sleep with her if you want to, but don't expect anything more. She could sex you good for a whole year, but still never commit to a relationship (which is what you really want?). Clearly stated: If you want a relationship - LEAVE HER ALONE COMPLETELY. "Hanging around" her in any way will only make you feel worse. How the fuck can she be in a relationship with you for 11 months, then say " I'm not ready yet"? On what planet does that makes sense? Completely manipulative.
     
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  5. joey2

    joey2 New Member

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    This is a lot like my situation! And from that experience I can tell you; You deserve better! She wants to keep you close just in case she needs something from you but doesn't really want you. You need to tell her that she can not have it all.

    I was with my ex for almost a year. She broke up with me by telling me she had cheated on me a few weeks earlier and wanted to be with that guy now. But... Our "relationship" didn't end there. Even though she was with this man she would still text me all the time, come over to my place, sleep with me, kiss me etc. I tried to put an end to it a few times but somehow she always found a way to come back again. And, to be honest, at times I wanted her to come back. After a few weeks she broke up with the guy. Our relationship continued like it had been while she was dating the guy. I tried to ask her a few times what she wants from me but I never got a real answer. Now after a couple of months I'm pretty much over her and treat her like a friend with benefits. But... Every time I try to even talk to a girl she freaks out and makes me feel like shit, like I'm cheating on her. The more I try to move on the more she keeps hanging on to me. But still she doesn't know what she wants from me if I ask her. If I could do it again I wouldn't let her treat me like that. I wouldn't answer her texts or agree to see her after the break-up until I was over her. It would have been a lot easier if we just broke up and that was it.
     
    #5

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