Only been with one person - 7+ years on now - I'm still not ready for marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Adobaisu, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. Adobaisu

    Adobaisu New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    I've been with only one person, my girlfriend for the past 7 years and I love her more than anyone. We've been dating since we were 18, known each other since we were 16. We compliment each other so well and have grown into the women we are because of each other. We have the same goals in life and want to reach them together. We've talked about marriage before, always planned to marry eventually. But now that we're in our mid-20s she's been seriously asking when it's going to happen - and I just don't feel ready yet.

    We're common law, but she wants the commitment of forever by marrying. I'm more of a realist and firmly believe that I want to be with her, but the forever part is what I'm not certain about. How can I know if she's the one, if she's the only one I've ever been with. I could never see myself cheating on her, but I can't help thinking what it would be like to be with someone else. And I can't exactly say I want to take a break and see other people, as I know how heartbreaking it would be for me if she was with some one else. I don't know where to turn and would love to hear from other's in similar situations.

    TL;DR - How can I know if my girlfriend's the one, if she's the only one I've ever been with?
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Here are my thoughts on that:

    1. Monogamy is being okay with what's on your plate when you walk away from the buffet. No matter how many women you sleep with (and it kind of seems like we're talking about sleeping with other people, not being in relationships with them, but it's true in both situations), at some point, commitment will always mean walking away from a smorgasbord of options in favor of the one you choose. Some of those options will always be good. Some of them will always be new. Some of them will always be tempting. For marriage to work, you need to be ready to make that choice, and okay with everything you're not going to experience. Some people never are; that's why people don't settle down, don't choose monogamy, don't succeed in monogamous marriage.

    My wife is the first person I had good sex with in my life. (Previous sex was, in retrospect, adequate and fun, but not nearly so great.) I can take that as luck and content myself with it, or I can wonder if I could duplicate the experience with lots of hot ladies. My attitude determines my happiness with what's on my plate, because I have no doubt that the buffet is overflowing with other amazing options, but you know what else is amazing? What I already have.

    2. Your girlfriend is not the one because she is a magical soulmate who was made for you that you were lucky enough to find early. If she is the one, it is because you have built something solid and loving together that you want to continue to build for the rest of your lives. It's because you have shaped your lives around being a good and caring partner to the other. If she is the one, it is because you decided and worked and grew to be each other's ones through intention, love, and effort. And that is how she will stay the one: because you together decide that is what you want to be to each other.

    No one but you can make that decision, just like no one but you can decide whether what's on your plate is good enough.

    -----
    It's tempting to try and figure out what you really want here, and to try and tell you "stay with her!" or "don't!" But I'm going to resist that, because I think you have more answers than anyone else will.

    I will say, though, that if you think you are not ready - and good lord, girl, after seven years, what are you waiting for? - and should be honest with yourself about why, and you should be honest with your girlfriend. She wants to marry you, and those kinds of hints are not dropped accidentally or in a vacuum, and she already has noticed your hesitation. If she straight up asks you to set a date, what's your plan? Better you have an awkward conversation about how suddenly big and real this seems than a terrible, failed proposal.
     
    #2
    debster likes this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,147
    Likes Received:
    963
    One thing though, you are like, 25? A lot of people are not ready for marriage at 25. So despite the logevity of your relationship, it is not unusual for you to feel iffy and like it is a big world out there. I have a few decades on you and I can't help but be envious of how you have found someone to love and cherish at a young age. I think our different stages in life have something to do with it. I agree with above that it is good for you to talk now with her and it may not be what she wants to hear but maybe you can do a "best friend mode" and let each other alternate a talk/listen.

    Edit...if you do talk to her, the first thing she might ask could be if you are interested in anyone in particular. She could become quite paranoid about anyone else you hang out with. So be prepared for that. I always like to see people stay together if they are a good match. Have you grown apart or still on the same page? If you really were to imagine yourself with someone else, is it all about the excitement of someone new?
     
    #3
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2015

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice