One sided flirtation/expression of attraction...

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by silliputty23, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    I'm hesitant to touch this girl or express attraction because I feel it would be unwelcome. She once responded "who's this?" to one of my texts - she probably deleted my number or was trying to play mind games... and she has been going on for some reason about "finding me a man". When I asked another day what that was about she just laughed...It's a common way to tell someone you're not interested... but she's always been a flirt with me and always touches me. Maybe she says it so as to reject me before I can reject her - because I'm not as expressive when it comes to attraction as she is.

    Earlier in the day, before announcing that she was going to find me a man, she was approaching to pass behind me and went "mm mmm" in a way as to suggest she liked what she saw before reaching her hand out to touch my waist in passing. She touches my waist a lot, has patted my hip, has touched my arms, shoves me teasingly in the lower back from time to time, and compliments my body (my hips, my booty). She has called me sexy. She made several sexual comments several months back...some that you a few of you said were inappropriate in a previous thread.

    I don't know if I just overthink everything. Maybe if I made advances they would be welcomed. Maybe I'm just scared - I'm not a forward person at all. But there have been negative responses to me as well and I feel I would just look like a fool if I expressed interest. I did ask a few different times to do something and she responded very positively but we didn't end up following through - I'd put the blame on me. She told me she needed me to be her cheerleader at her game (she's in an adult league) and joked that I should go in just a sports bra and booty shorts... and I didn't show up...when I asked if she was mad I didn't go, she said that she was but in a non-threatening/non-serious tone. I wasn't sure if she really was upset that I didn't go. I tried going to others but she didn't seem interested in me showing up anymore so I didn't. I was getting ready to go to one when she sent that "who's this?" text to me... that really irritated me. That was a couple months back...we've been getting along better. I've been trying to be a friend but I'm having trouble getting close to her as a friend - she doesn't really talk to me and open up like she does some of the other girls. Maybe she doesn't want to be "friend zoned"...maybe we can't be friends because there's still sexual energy...?

    She is apparently miserable in her current relationship (not married) and only stays for their kid. She has threatened to leave. She doesn't talk about her relationship problems with me but did with a mutual friend of ours. Wondered if she wants me thinking they're doing well together. She knows I know they have problems.



    If she's so touchy and flirty, would she most likely welcome it from me? If I touched her waist the same, would she feel the need to express that she is not available? Are there women out there that would be so cruel as to allow themselves to have fun but not let you near them in the same way? Anybody that would understand the psychology behind this? Is she just confused herself about her feelings and what she should do? Or is she using me to let out the frustrations she has in her current relationship?


    This was all a disorganized mess, I know.
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I think this is the third thread you've started about this same girl...the one who's been hot/cold with you. I think this is probably the third time that I'm telling you that she's just seeking attention. She must be doing something correctly because you're thinking about her way too much.

    Now, please don't get defensive. I stand by what I've said in every other thread. You're setting yourself up to be hurt by this one. For as casual as you once thought this is -- even protesting that you weren't looking for anything...to now write this post...is cause for concern because most of us thought that she was a game-player then, and nothing you've written has made me reevaluate my initial impressions.

    I think she's using you for an ego-stroke, nothing more. I do not think that she has feelings for you.
     
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  3. RiverPlate

    RiverPlate Member

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    Oh, I'm not sure I am well qualified to give advice because I am currently in a sort of similar situation. Anyway, when I read the facts it doesn't seem a good start.
    -Don't like the fact that she is in a current relationship ( " for the sake of the kid" is as old an excuse aa the world to justify one's own deeds. Believe me, I am a Mum).
    Sort out your things and then look for someone else to build a healthy relationship.
    -Don't like the mixed messages. Either you touch and go forward or you keep your hands in your pocket and wait for an invitation. But touching and joking and not making clear if it's sex or friendship or whatever, that I don't like.
    -And I ESPECIALLY don't like the "who are you" thing. It's terrible if it's intended to provoke, and also bad if she indeed had deleted your number. Both possibilities suggest a teenager, not a mature woman.
    If you are out and don't mind rejection, I guess the best thing is to straightforwardly ask her what's all that about.
    If you, like me, are still in the closet or if you would be hurt if rejected, I would strongly advice you to stay away from that confused, toxic and childish woman.
     
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  4. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    No, I only had one long thread about her several months back. Others were other people.

    But no offense taken. I consider the same possibility. I just haven't been doing much that would stroke her ego - don't touch her at all or compliment her...just the idea that I might be interested from afar is stroking her ego? She strokes my ego more by letting me know she likes my body and touching me. That's what I was asking about here, if I should start touching her and if it would be welcomed...I have also talked about men that have hit on me and implied I might be seeing someone though not serious. I have mostly acted like a friend but might have that expression in my eye that she sees as interest.

    Should I be blunt and say something outright to her? "Are you flirting with me?" Is there something other you would say?
     
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  5. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    You don't think "Staying for the kid" is a legitimate excuse?

    The "who's this" had indeed really irritated me. It didn't make sense to me that she would delete it. I have numbers saved of people from work that I don't talk with or get along with nearly as much... She'd have to know that I would send a text sometime...Her excuse was that her phone fell in the river/delta near her house and she had to get a new phone. I considered it could have been her boyfriend. In one previous text, I was talking about a trainer that I had been attracted to because they had an amazing body and that I was in love (didn't specify gender) and she didn't respond. I considered that that could have put her off and she deleted my number in irritation. It could also have been the truth that her phone drowned....

    I couldn't look at her when I saw her the next night. But that night a lot of people were standing in the parking lot, upset about the passing of a coworker...she stood with a group of people maybe ten feet from my car and she noticed me. Her head was turned and staring right at me as everyone around her talked. I didn't look at her and just got in my car. But she stood and watched me to see if I'd look at her. And as I was driving off, looked in my rear view mirror to see her still standing and watching me leave. Because of this, I decided to give her a chance.

    I decided not to ignore her whenever I see her and we have been getting along pretty well again. She says "you know I love you" all the time and even said she hoped her daughter would end up like me. Also joked a couple times she would give me her daughter. I couldn't understand how she could willingly delete my number when she's said things like hoping her daughter would end up like me...those comments make it seem she really does like me as a person. And if she was put off by me and wanted to be left alone, why would she be touching me and making the satisfied sound "Mm mmm" ?What was the point of that? In a normal person, that's a clear expression of desire. Why would she want me to think she's interested if she is not? I just don't get it.

    The back and forth is obviously what keeps me interested and thinking about her. It's that mystery you can't solve. I can't figure it out. It's why people are advised to play hard to get. I honestly don't sit and try to make her feel good about herself so I can't figure...



    But we do not text anymore. Maybe she's old school and isn't into texting...But I do think you attempt to communicate with people you're into. She obviously doesn't care about me as much as I do her.
     
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  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You need to really sit down and think...."what do I want from her?" In the best case scenario is someone like this -- a game player...hot/cold person who so willingly flirts with someone while in a relationship -- someone who you really want to pour your heart and emotions into?

    Because think about it...you're worth more than this. Definitely ask her if she's flirting with you.....and why?

    But at the same time...think about what YOU deserve. Heartache? Certainly not. You don't need the drama...you should hope that you end up dating someone who's into you as much as you are into her. When you have to play the hot/cold game...or second guess feelings? You're setting yourself up for drama.
     
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  7. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    I've never known what exactly I feel for her. I don't love and adore her like I have other women in the past. But I am definitely drawn to her and think about her a lot. I don't melt under her touch but do like that she touches me and welcome it. I don't envision anything serious with her but would be sad if we were to never see each other again.

    I'm worth someone devoted more but I don't think there is more out there at the moment. I'm not attracted to other women I know that are into women.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I hope Silliputty, you will take this from someone who has made a complete ass out of herself over unavailable and straight women...

    I'd only known how much I had made an ass out of myself when I recently stumbled onto some of my past emails to these women. I realize now that once I had found a place to rest my heart I can discern how much time I have wasted over said women in bogusness. Oh the women were thoroughly entertained by me for sure. Most of them initiated the friendships with me and went onto things that I thought were quite flirty. I thought that I was being a good friend to them and that was the story I told myself. I also told myself that I didn't really know what I wanted from them, but, I think if they had gone beyond just mild amusement and using me for entertainment, I would have bedded them silly.

    I mean, having a good woman with you will let you see all that time you are wasting now. But I think to find that good woman, you need to get into the truth about yourself and really learn to be your own best friend in terms of your needs. Be real with yourself, know your own intentions a bit and you will find a place where your heart rests. I know I am sounding like a fortune cookie, but if you think about all the bargaining you are doing on these threads about these unavailable, uninterested and quite uninteresting-outside-of-drama women you might get a sense of what I mean.
     
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  9. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    I'm not proactive about finding women.

    If an attractive, interested woman were to come into my life right now, I would pursue it without hesitation. Meanwhile, I just have this... A bit of flirtation and excitement here and there.

    It's not that I'm blind to other women because of my attraction to her. I just rarely come across bi/les women and those I do I just don't find attractive.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So what is it you are trying to exactly? You want to know if she likes you likes you? I think she is using you for entertainment. She is just saying just enough stuff to keep you interested. The daughter growing up like you thing is very flattering but offering the daughter to you one day is really creepy. She sounds vexing and creepy, why does that float your boat?

    I am not saying you have to have a gf. I am saying you might want to get to know yourself better. These types of women you keep finding sounds like trouble.
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Know yourself better.

    Truer words were never spoken. @silliputty23 ... some rhetorical statements here -- it's almost like...you're afraid to be hurt by someone you might really be into, so you set yourself up for some kind of entanglement with those people who are just intriguing enough yet not available. You said you're not proactive about finding women...maybe there's a reason...maybe you don't really want to set yourself up for rejection, so you hold onto the compliments this woman gives you because it feeds your ego as much as you feed hers....Or, maybe I'm totally off the mark...

    I'm no therapist but maybe there's a reason you're so wrapped up in her, and it's not like you're blind because you see the same things we see...at the same time, you're hoping for something which might not be there...even if you're not looking for anything serious from her.

    Maybe it's the chase...the idea...the safety of the game that hasn't quite crossed into reality even after all these months....
     
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  12. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    It takes more effort to find someone as a bi or lesbian woman than it would a straight individual. Online dating, dressing in a particular way, etc.. that I'm just not into.

    I'm not afraid of finding someone at all. I am a romantic. I want to be in love. But it's just not here in my life right now. I'd rather a woman to just happen into my life. This woman I ask about doesn't complete me. I know she is not the one. I just don't have anyone better at the moment. If someone better comes along, I will not hold onto this woman and be held back... If she were to show more of an emotional connection to me and express that she cared about me, she could be someone I gave a chance.

    I don't like feeling used at all. I don't like feeling like my feelings are a joke. Or looking like a fool for my interest. I ask because I want to know if I am being made a fool. I do have some self respect. I am a very closed off individual and am slow to give myself to someone. I don't want to be made the fool. I just can't tell if that exactly is what is going on. It's possible she might be awkward about flirting. It's possible she tried pulling back because I didn't give enough back. She has put forth far more "effort" than I have so there's really no reason I should be embarrassed. I don't know why I'd look like a fool.... She is the one that is touching me and that has said inappropriate things... has taken things too far. Why do I even wonder about looking like a fool?... I light up around her, have energy and am excited. And she often is as well. But I'm still not overt and do not act like a lovesick puppy.

    I do want some attention, some flirting, and some touching in my life... As far as my initial question, and the reason for the thread, I was wondering if I'd end up the fool if I were to start giving a little more of me - giving her some attention and touching. Because it feels nice. It would feel nice if she were to accept it. I never compliment her or her looks and never touch her unless I need to squeeze by her and touch her shoulder with a single finger... She could just as easily be questioning whether I really like her or just see her as a friend. Or she could think she has me completely in her control. I can't figure it out at all.

    But my fear is that once I start reciprocating, she'll let it be known that it's not OK for me to do it... Even though she's done it all along.

    She was just joking about giving her kid to me - was implying parenting can be hard and that sometimes she doesn't want to do it. It wasn't creepy at all. I saw it as a compliment - you'd only give your kid to someone you respect and would think would raise them right.
     
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  13. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    [/QUOTE]
    There’s always that risk of looking like a fool when you’re crushing on someone. I guess the question you need to ask yourself is if you are ready to take that risk.

    You ask if she is also questioning if you are just being friendly or like you the same way - based on what you have said, no I don’t think so. I agree with what the others said, she is doing it for the attention.

    We are only basing our opinions on what you said and most of us have the same observation - she is just doing enough to keep you interested. So you can keep feeding her ego. Maybe there is something you saw or felt that we did not get from what you posted that made you think she likes you. Bottom line is, you won’t know until you ask her. Maybe she’ll surprise us all and prove us wrong. Until you ask her, we won’t really know. So again the question is, are you willing and ready to risk looking like a fool?
     
    #13
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  14. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    Have I been feeding her ego already or is she trying to get me to that point? Trying to get me to want her so that she can feel good about herself?

    I honestly have never complimented her. I don't stare at her. We've hugged but I pull back first...I don't see how thus far I could really be feeding her ego...


    There was one hug - we hadn't seen each other in a couple months and I came up to hug her.... It was full body and we were pressed together and when I started to pull away I felt resistance - she tried to hold on a little longer. She acted genuinely happy I was back and even nervous - stammering out something about me being sassy and to never change as she left. But that was after some time apart.

    I want to say something. I don't want to sit and talk about feelings. But I want to get down to the bottom of what's going on. Maybe the "are you flirting with me?" will work... Or if I straight out admitted to being bi she would pull back... or fully come on.
     
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  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think asking if she is flirting and being straight forward helps. I am assuming at your work anything goes and you are not concerned about some blow back or accusation of sexual harrasment. The thing that straight women and sometimes women in relationships would do is that they figured that ring on their finger means that even when they express affection towards you, hugging you and touching you, that it does not translate into an affair. They are more at ease about it till you call them on it and really reciprocates then they went, whoa, you have the wrong idea and how could you. She kids about giving you her daughter, she kids about the flirting but hey she is not out there transferring parental rights as she is in a relationship so you know not to do anything right?
     
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  16. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    My workplace is not as strict as an office. A hug or a hand on the waist in passing is not very likely to get someone in trouble. I wouldn't go beyond that. I have not sexually harassed her...she has however done and said a few things that could get her in trouble if I reported it.

    I will try mentioning an interest in women but I want it to come into a conversation naturally. Probably won't happen today. I'll see how she responds. I'm pretty sure she does know though. I mentioned if she ever knew anyone was cheating on me, she'd better come tell me and she said she would "go burn down my boyfriend's....or girlfriend's...house" adding on the "girlfriend" pretty hesitantly and quietly.

    Either she will back off or she will come onto me more strongly.
     
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  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am not encouraging you to engage with her further by sharing more about yourself. I am saying the bit about asking if she is flirting so she would back off.

    I can't encourage something that I see as a really bad idea, gaining a deeper friendship with her and keeping the flirting and the touching up. I would not call you foolish nor did I suggest that you were sexually harassing her. I am saying that if you call her on stuff she does that confuses you, it may backfire on you.

    When I went up against women like that I was less honest about myself than you are now. I was not even able to admit that I liked these inaccessible women touching me or flirting at me. Because what they did to me felt good, I sought deeper friendships with them. I found later that even deeper friendships scared them. When I saw the hot and cold thing she did with you, I projected my experiences into it. I think she got scared here and there but she still wanted the attention so she kept things up. She is in a relationship, it should matter because it can be dangerous for her, her kid and you if you are responding to her in kind and confirming that you like women. I bet you anything she talks about you at home with the guy she's with and who knows what he would do? Jealousy is a powerful emotion and please please be careful and don't take this so lightly.
     
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  18. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    Yes.... I can see her trying to make her boyfriend jealous to get attention back from him. I have no idea what state they are in currently or what problems they are having exactly. I don't know if she still loves him or is attracted to him. Maybe he's lost interest in her and she desires his attention. He did come in to our workplace, a restaurant, one day alone -she was not there and she did not know he was there- and he stayed for hours at the bar getting drunk.

    I think she probably talks with friends and the conclusions they make together might affect her hot and cold behavior. Her friends currently seem to like me and be nice and open to me...inclusive. I would guess that she feels lonely in her current relationship at times and she pulls away from me when things are ok with him.

    It's all admittedly very messy and convoluted.
     
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  19. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Jesus. At this stage in the game, I think you should just bang her, or tell her you aren't interested. Shit or get off the pot.

    You have posted several threads and numerous posts about this woman for months and months now. You have ignored all the posters who have pointed out that she is creepy bad news.

    So just go ahead and try to bang her. Get burned, find out for real what a really bad idea this is.

    You are clearly obsessed with this woman, despite your protestations. You post about her a ton. You obsesses about every little comment or touch. This has been going on forever. You make tons of excuses for her (stays for the kid, this isn't 1950, people can break up and coparent). You do have other options (I know a number of people who met their wives online dating, it's a valid way to meet people.) But you keep coming back to this woman.

    So pick. Tell her you aren't interested. Or come onto her strong and see for yourself what a bad idea this is.

    There isn't anything more that anyone can offer you here. It's pretty much all been said. So just pick a side already and get on with your life.
     
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  20. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    Once again, there was only one thread about her... it was several months ago so I started this new one.

    I've already admitted to thinking about her a lot. But I'm truthful when I say I'm not in love. I stated elsewhere I overthink everything in life - not just her.

    I really don't have other options ATM. I'm not attracted to the few options there are. I have peeked around at women in my area online and was not too impressed.

    Why are you irritated? Because I'm still attracted to her and haven't been ignoring her at work through the months?
     
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