right now, i am doubting either i do the right thing. i call her Z, and we are roommate (maybe). for a year and a half, we were in friend with benefit kind of relationship and she made it clear that she didn't want anything beyond that. I thought i was ok with it, but recently i realised it did affect me. probably i thought she would change her mind or i would find someone else, but i was wrong. I dreamt of a friend (N) who became close friend with, and apparently i had a feeling she was interested in Z. in that dream, i felt extreme guilty that i fell in love with N and i was trying to hide the feeling. for that week, i did something stupid by ask N out and wanted to clarify on this feeling. Then something happened and i didn't have a chance to do it. I went to aussie for a week, and after that i became depress (family stuff). i knew i changed, because i started to push people away. I told her, i need to stop feeling and i don't want to hurt her. I did it in the past, and i told her i would never be happy because of my borderline thing. I hurt too many people and how their lives would be better if i wasn't exist at all. for weeks i was cold and distant, and i knew i pushed her into N's hands. also i knew from the beginning, Z interested in N too. Z said she wants someone who shares her culture and will understand her choices. from the start, we were from different planets. I am a deep thinker, and have great love for philosophy. she is simple and realist. with the help of a friend, i started to see things clearer now. still i was scared of being close to them, and i pushed them away. i wished them to be happy, but i felt jealous. lolz the big green eyes monster. when i started to talk to them again. on one day Z was at home, N came over and she stayed the night. it pushed me and i got all moody again. i knew i was bitter, but i couldn't help myself. i tried to be all nice but they felt it. whenever i saw them, there was this bitterness that i couldn't look them in the eyes. i felt sad that i lost a friend and someone i closed with. i pushed her again and again. i tried to make her move out on her own, but she wouldn't. she would go back home during study breaks, and then randomly came over. today i asked her why does she want to stay here, but she said she doesn't know. i ask her to move out, but she doesn't want to. deep down i know she doesn't like her step dad, so she doesn't want to go home. she can't stay with N, because N lives with her siblings. she wants my help with her course, because she knows i help her even i talk shits a lot or maybe i think too much of myself. i don't know, but i don't want to hurt her, nor i want to see this bitterness inside me. i know i don't want to lose her and i keep seeing her like some lost child. i made her crying today, but what should i do even i keep telling myself i should be happy she finds someone she loves.