Older woman: can't happen but I can't stop thinking about it

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by xcrunnergirl, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. xcrunnergirl

    xcrunnergirl Member

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    Okay, this is driving me crazy. I run cross country and have fallen for this super hot, super smart, super fast girl on my team.....only she's not quite on the team, she's my coach (let's call her C). :( I already know it's impossible , which makes it all the more painful that I can't stop wanting this. I'm 15 and she's like 30 (don't know exact age but she was for sure born in the 80s) but everyone thinks she's younger. People at school think she's a student when they first meet her! Annnnd she's gay. She's never talked about it but I heard she brought her gf to States last year (I wasn't there) and yes, I've seen her Insta and the gf thing is very much real.

    I honestly didn't even consider myself bi (like, didn't even think about the possibility) prior to a few months ago but one night I had a dream about C and pardon my language but it was the hottest f**king thing that's ever not happened to me, hahaha. It was like a light went on in my head. After that dream not only could I not stop thinking about C, I couldn't stop noticing how sweet she was to me. Admittedly she is just a nice person to everyone, guys and girls, but if it didn't sound so crazy I would swear I get vibes from her, and I kinda get the impression I am her favorite. So every weekend that we don't have a race our team has optional group runs. Well, last weekend it was just me and one other person than showed up, and C and I talked for pretty much the whole 11 miles. Everything just flowed like it does with those people you instantly connect with, but afterwards my obsession just got way more unbearable. It sucks to want something impossible. How do I stop thinking about her? I can't just hook up with someone else, there are no other gay girls at my school and even though I still like guys I already know they won't take my mind off C. Should I just bide my time until I am 18 and then go for it? ;):( Please help!!!
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    *cough* Assuming this is not a troll post....*cough*

    I've got 2 words for you: Statutory Rape.

    If she is remotely into you other than wanting to see you succeed as a student and she as your coach, then that's really really kind of creepy....on the level of being a child molester. But to drive the point even further home -- she's about 30..she's probably going out to nice dinners, probably enjoying glasses of wine with her g/f at establishments you can't even get into until you're 21....you're living at home, maybe you might have a driver's license, but probably not. What on earth could the two of you have in common aside from, perhaps, physical attraction? And, why on earth would she remotely risk getting a criminal conviction, prison time, and likely losing her job to have a fling with a student? If she is, again, there's something wrong with her.

    Wake up. Now get over it.

    Enjoy the crush but don't expect anything. If you are gay or bi..then explore your feelings with people your own age -- perhaps a different school, even.
     
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  3. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Don't even go there.1) she is your coach and it could get ugly.You don't want her to lose her job if she's found to be involved with a minor?No difference if C was your male coach.2)She's got a girlfriend and went all out to get her into the country.Surely that tells you how much she values the woman in her life.3) Move on and hope its just your ovaries in over drive.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    This isn't the easiest thing for me to write, but it is true. As a child and a teen, I was sexually abused by a family member.

    Adults have a lot more power, a lot more maturity and a lot more experience than teens. 15 to 30 is way out of balance. 18 to 33 would still be really out of balance. Not that there is anything wrong with being a teenager, it is a cool and important time in life. But if adults have sexual relationships with teens - it is never an equal thing. The adult has way too much power and is taking advantage of the teen (or child).

    One metaphor would be plants. If a young pepper plant forms little buds, you nip the buds. If you let the bud stay, the pepper plant will put all of its energy into developing the little pepper and no energy into itself - growing healthy roots, getting taller, forming a stronger main stem and branches. (I have seen this myself, I let a young plant grow a pepper and the plant quit growing and wound up really stunted).

    You are like the pepper plant. You have a lot of growing to do. This isn't bad - but it is important that you focus on it. Figuring out who you are, making friends, becoming more independent, getting an education. And yes, this is going to take you until you are in your 20s to do. If you get into a 'relationship' with an older adult, it is going to take tons and tons of energy away from what you need to be doing for yourself. Trust me on this, I have lived it first hand.

    Also, normal adults are not sexually attracted to young teens (and at 15, you are a young teen). Teens look and act differently from adults. Teen bodies aren't as developed as adults. Normal adults are turned off by the thought of sex with young teens and by young teen bodies. This "taboo" reaction is healthy - because it protects young teens from being preyed on by adults. Under normal circumstances, it allows young teens to grow up physically and emotionally, before they get involved in adult relationships.

    If an adult is sexually attracted to a young teen, they are not a normal adult. If an adult acts on this attraction - they are really not a normal adult. They are a predator and are putting their needs in front of yours. They know that you need to grow, but they are selfishly sacrificing your needs for their wants. They could give a shit less if it 'stunts' you, they just want to get their rocks off.

    I know that it can seem like it would be a really hot thing. Hook up with a hot older woman, get initiated into the world of sex, turn in your v card. But that is the fantasy.

    The reality is very different. Being the dirty little secret. Having everything be on her terms. Being manipulated, even if you don't really realize it. Being used by someone who really doesn't care about the consequences for you. Having to hide. Not being able to tell people. Wanting things that can never happen - an equal relationship, not having to hide, real romance and not just sex in secret. Feel cheap and dirty because you know deep down that you are just a sex toy and not someone that they really care about. And the sex doesn't even feel all that great, because deep down you can sense that it is all about them. Going along with things in the bedroom that you don't want and don't like, because you don't have the even power to say no. Being pressured and manipulated into doing stuff that leaves you feel ashamed, weird or used.

    Because people who care about you don't use you, don't make you carry horrible secrets and don't treat you like garbage.

    Trust me on all of this, because I have lived it first hand.

    And no, it wasn't hot and it wasn't fun. It was cheap and sick and dirty. It left me feeling used and low and awful about myself. And yes, it stunted me. And I would give anything - pretty literally anything - to have not gone through the pain of being a teen who was sexually preyed on by and adult.

    Hopefully the 'vibe' that you feel is just in your imagination. Hopefully she is not a predator who is trying to prey on you. Hopefully she is just a nice coach who has zero sexual attraction to you.

    But if she does anything sexual to you - anything at all - tell and adult. Tell your parents, or an adult that you trust. If she does anything sexual at all - get help.
     
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  5. xcrunnergirl

    xcrunnergirl Member

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    Wow. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and have so much respect for where you are now in spite of that. I hope this doesn't make me seem ignorant but I haven't really thought much about how this "relationship" would actually play out. In the real world, not just in my head. I will try to remind myself of that.

    One thing I guess I don't understand is that even though she would be a "predator" for having feelings for me, I have no stigma attached to my attraction? If it was truly wrong and unnatural wouldn't I also feel that taboo-or is there something wrong with me? Again, she looks older but not 30 so I don't know, a part of me realizes it's absolutely impossible and another part of me can see it. I know it can't happen, it won't happen, but I have these feelings and I see her every day. I actually had the best workout of my life today, I had so much pent up emotion I just channeled it into the run, so maybe that is the way to deal with it. It would actually be so much easier if I could talk to someone on the team about it but that seems impossible.
     
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  6. xcrunnergirl

    xcrunnergirl Member

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    Frazier- thank you. By "States" I actually meant the state meet, it's the biggest meet of the season and I heard C brought her gf there last year. She isn't foreign, at least not to my knowledge!
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It is not "predator" in quotes, it is predator. She would be breaking the law (likely multiple laws) if she did anything sexual towards you.

    Well, if you were to get involved in a sexual relationship with an adult, it would feel wrong to you. Like I said in my post above, deep down you would feel gross, ashamed and used. So yes, the "taboo" feelings would kick in for you too. Normal adults have 'ick' feelings that kick in to protect young teens (and kids). But teens (and kids) have 'ick' feelings that kick in to protect themselves. So being used, taking advantage of and manipulated create really strong feelings of shame, guilt, fear and ickness.

    You don't feel them now, because right now all you have is a fantasy. When we fantasize about things, our feelings are about the fantasy - not about what happens in a real world situation. Sometimes I fantasize about having a big farm (I really like nature and plants). My fantasy farm feels really great - it's always spring, things grow wonderfully, the work is fun. Reality, of course, would be very different and reality would feel very different. Things wouldn't feel so great after I spent 3 weeks straight planting in the cold and rain and was bored, exhausted and totally sore!

    If she did anything sexual towards you, reality would kick in and it would feel confusing, gross, shameful and a lot of other bad stuff. Trust me on this, I have been through it. It is really, really awful.

    If she does anything sexual towards you, tell and adult that you trust, tell your parents, get help.
     
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  8. xcrunnergirl

    xcrunnergirl Member

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    I am really liking your horticultural analogies.

    Ok. I do trust you. It's not like I have a decision to make anyway, nothing is happening. To be honest the fantasy is still 100% there but I am recognizing it for what it is. I can't control my thoughts and feelings (has anyone ever been able to stop thinking about someone/something just through willpower? I think probably not) but one good thing is that I am extremely busy with school/family/church (yes I know, it is what it is) so at least this isn't the only thing I'm thinking about.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for sharing @Bluenote. It is so important what you are saying.

    The trouble is, Xcrunnergirl, that no one can just pick out a predator. They are a small percentage of the population and they seek out places where there are kids at the age and types that they are drawn to. They will act like any one of those more accessible and affable teachers, mentors or general family adults in your life. The only way you can tell who they are is by their actions. If they set you too far apart from others, then start to get too personal and share their private lives with you and communicate with you personally everyday then it is something to watch out for. Any adult knows that a minor cannot give her consent no matter how much she had "wanted" it.

    I know nothing is happening and she is probably not a creepy adult. But please be on guard for this in the future.

    On the other hand, you are in good company on fantasizing about a teacher. Nothing wrong with such a fantasy if it stays a fantasy. It could be a way for someone to know that when you are all grown up, you will have an imprint on what kind of great fellow adult to look for. Even for now, look around you, you just might find a peer who is a pre-awesome-teacher type to get to know.
     
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  10. xcrunnergirl

    xcrunnergirl Member

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    Maybe I will ask C who at our school reminds her of herself when she was young. ;)
     
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  11. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Lol, that would really put her on the spot. I know I would be quite uncomfortable with that question if I were the teacher.
     
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  12. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Whether she is 30 or 22. QUIT DREAMING. It is illegal and she would not only be breaking the law but jeopardize her career and NOTHING good will come out of this. Most of us have had crushes on our coaches (I know i have and probably all of my friends gay or straight), but that's it...a fun crush. not going anywhere and keep it that way.

    You are young need to hang out with people your own age. If you are sad there aren't other gays at your school, well get excited because that will change after high school... Enjoy it then. :)
     
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  13. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    She has a girlfriend-that's one of the problems. Also-you're underage so there's another issue. Last but not least-she's some sort of your teacher so I assume she could get fired.
    If you want to pursue it nobody can stop you, to be honest. If you can wait, then wait-she may be single by the time you're 18 and you may also find a new teacher .
    For now-don't do anything stupid-explore your sexuality with girls your own age.
     
    #13
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