Older relatives

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Lore, Sep 8, 2014.

  1. Lore

    Lore Member

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    Hi, everyone. I'm having trouble dealing with my grandfather, who's 86. I spend a lot of time around him, trying to get my stuff out of his house. But it's not easy going. While I'm a nice person... I mean that I'm genuinely nice... (although I realize you only have my own opinion of this)... but he's just been really mean to me for the last year or so. He once accused me of being a thief, stealing his money to buy stuff for myself. Just this morning, he was telling me that he didn't want me to put any silverware in the kitchen. I never put any silverware anywhere; I've never HAD silverware in the house. All that was different was when I emptied the dishwasher, I put the cutlery away neatly, and I guess it looked strange, liked I'd messed with things. I've never done anything to him. Never hurt him, stole his money or anything.

    Most of my friends think he's nuts. My family is less convinced. It's been putting me in a very difficult position.

    Anyone else been here? What did you do about it? Were you ever able to repair anything with your family?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi, I am sorry you are having trouble with your grandfather. If you can help it, please do not visit him alone anymore. His problems could be medical. It could be as simple as his hearing is clogged or going which could make him really suspicious of people around him. I suggest that you persuade whoever takes him to the doctor to get his ears checked for wax (seriously) and his general conditions checked. Let's hope it is not something more serious, if it is, it will be a gradual descend. Please don't blame yourself for anything but just handle him with care and not alone.
     
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  3. staringatthesun

    staringatthesun Well-Known Member

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    Well I understand how frustrating is can be with older relatives...they seem to just not make any sense sometimes and get downright confused very easily. But what I will say is...try to remember...he is an old gentleman...he doesnt have that many years left...and while he may be "blaming you" for stuff you didn't do, try your hardest to not take it too personal. He may be going through aches, pains and his own frustration and taking them out in a way. Sometimes when people get to a point where they do no know how to deal with their only problems...it comes out in ways as blaming it on little things or getting mad over little things.

    I guess the only real advice i can offer is...try to understand it from the perspective that...hes an old man just trying to vent about his anger on life and aging...maybe it will help you when he is complaining..not to feel its really meant as a direct attack against you.
     
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  4. Lore

    Lore Member

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    Greylin - He's been hard-of-hearing all his life. I'm sure that his doctor checks his ears regularly. However, I'll mention this at the next family powwow. That's a very interesting take on things, and thank you for answering!

    Staringatthesun - Thank you for your response. On top of him "blaming me" for this or that, I'm now supposed to add to my own guilt and blame myself for failing to see him as a fallible human, aging and aching. Yes, I've done this before; I'm not an unfeeling and completely selfish person. I already feel sorry for him, and exhibit as much compassion as I can. Actually, according to what I've been told, he's feeling better than he has in a long time.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Lore, I agree with you in not taking blame. I don't think Staringatthesun is saying anything about blaming yourself, on the contrary, Staringatthesun brings about an understanding in compassion, which is not taking anything personally because of whatever afflicts him.

    I would still say you need to protect yourself from abuse best you can. I never had an "old person" accuse me of thievery. This is beyond just normal sufferings from old age. Not everyone can handle situations like this and certainly not alone. You don't know what would trigger the next confrontation even when you think you had done everything right. It takes really thick skin (as in ninja turtle) to deflect things like that. I am not sure I could myself.
     
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  6. staringatthesun

    staringatthesun Well-Known Member

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    Yea, to clarify I am not saying taking any blame onto yourself...no no, I am just saying that hopefully you wont take his comments too personally and feel that it is your fault, cuz it's not. I think it maybe be more of what he is going through in his own life (everyone goes through stuff emotionally even if its unstated at some points in their life)
     
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  7. jellohead

    jellohead Well-Known Member

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    Cognitive issues are common with end of life care, such as strange preocupations with silverware or other possessions. Talk to him and ask if he is feeling differently mentally or physically lately. Also mention the behavioral issues to the MD.
     
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