*NSFW* Advice on intimacy with my girlfriend

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Serena, Sep 26, 2015.

  1. Serena

    Serena Member

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    So my girlfriend has never been able to cum in her whole life. We have great sex, she has orgasms and she told her friends too that I'm the best sex she's ever had. However, she told me that no matter what when she has an orgasm she just can't cum. Not just from me but even when she masturbates and/or uses a vibrator she just can't cum. I feel bad because she says she wishes she could but it has just never happened for her. I am wondering if anyone knows someone who has had a similar problem? Also if anyone thinks maybe trying different toys would help? Or if some people just literally can't cum?
     
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    Last edited: Sep 26, 2015
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Some people are anorgasmic, and have nerve or sensory difference that make orgasmic elusive or impossible. Other people have a hard time relaxing or letting go enough to reach orgasm. But not every woman who doesn't regularly come has anything physically or psychologically going on. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 24, and not for lack of trying - I have a average-to-high sex drive, had been masturbating since before puberty, and had lots of great (and some not so great) sexual experiences in my teens and early twenties. was pretty sure I never would, and felt fine about that most of the time - there are lots of great things about sex besides orgasm.

    I think the best advice I have is: have sex. Lots of patient, fun, creative, loving sex, where there is no goal and no finish line. Don't set out to make her come, and don't feel guilty or make her feel bad when she doesn't - the worst sex I had was often when my partner would feel excessively bad or annoyed with me for still be aroused or not reaching orgasm. Do try new things; that makes sex interesting and helps build intimacy and trust between you, and positive side effect of both those things is making it easier and safer for her to come. My first orgasm took me by surprise, and I wasn't even quite sure what had happened, and I had no previous experiences to help me figure out what helped me get there or how to make it better. (Sure have figured it out since, and my reluctant orgasm has become awfully... enthusiastic. Making up for lost time?)

    I don't really want to get too graphic or specific about my experiences, but if you want to ask specific questions I'd consider answering.
     
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  3. Serena

    Serena Member

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    Thank you for your response. She does orgasm every time we have sex it's just that she does not ejaculate. Sorry if I phrased it wrong. It's literally just the fact that she wants to experience herself cuming. She can orgasm just not cum.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yes, there are women who can't orgasm. There are also women who can orgasm, but just haven't figured out how to yet.

    Some women can't orgasm for physical reasons - certain medications and medical conditions. Working with a Doctor can help, if this is the case. Doctors hear it all, so 'I want to switch meds so I can cum' will not shock them.

    Some women can't orgasm for psychological reasons - pressure and anxiety, guilt around sex, or a history of sexual abuse or assault. Working through something intense like having been sexually abused, or raised in a very sex shaming environment likely requires therapy. Pressure or anxiety can be dealt with by taking the pressure off to orgasm. For example saying 'we will make love for 6 months without trying to orgasm.'

    Some women can't orgasm because they haven't figured out how yet. It can take some experimenting to figure out what works - different toys or stimulation, different positions, different intensities, fantasizing during, not fantasizing during, etc... A different vibrator might help, particularly if her's isn't very strong. If you haven't tried dildos, trying one might help too.

    There are books about lesbian sex and books about female masturbation that will have some very nswf suggestions. There are also books about 'becoming orgasmic' they tend to be written for hetero couples, but a lot of the concepts apply - slow down, take the pressure off, experiment, have fun.
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    That is confusing. I understand 'cum' to mean orgasm.

    There are books / articles on how to have female ejaculation.
     
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  6. Serena

    Serena Member

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    No I think you are misreading my post. She CAN orgasm she just doesn't ejaculate. For instance when I orgasm I sometimes cum but sometimes I don't when I orgasm. But she never can ejaculate when she has an orgasm.
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I saw your reply to Lorienzchiu. I am leaving my comment because there are probably women out there who can't orgasm, but are afraid to ask...
     
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  8. Serena

    Serena Member

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    That's ok but it's not the same thing. It's like how some girls squirt when they orgasm and some don't. Cum is the same. But for instance I sometimes cum when I orgasm but my girlfriend has never had that ejaculation. I just wanted to know if someone knows that scientifically some girls just can't ejaculate when they orgasm?
     
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  9. Serena

    Serena Member

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    Yeah for sure.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Google is your friend.
     
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  11. Serena

    Serena Member

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    Yeah I looked and it says that some girls just don't ejaculate but just wanna see if anyone on AfterEllen has the same experience! Thank you though.
     
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  12. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    #12
    Bluenote likes this.
  13. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Huh. I never had any kind of expectation that female ejaculation would be so common that someone might be annoyed they didn't do it! In my admittedly limited personal sample, 0% of lady partners have regularly squirted. Live and learn.

    Leavin' my previous post up, because probably there are other women out there for whom it is relevant, and it's not something folks tend to ask/be comfortable talking about.
     
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  14. cocojamba

    cocojamba New Member

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    squirting is a cool and yet complicated sexual experience for many women*.

    i've been to workshops about it and still only been able to achieve it a few time, with quite a bit of effort.

    every vagina is different. and some have this tissue that stimulates squirting in a more prominent, frontal positions than others. that's why some people can squirt unintentionally, and others (like me) have to really research and try to make it happen.

    for an interesting read on the politics of squirting (and how it relates to the history to the gynecological profession), i can recommend checking this out: http://anarchagland.hotglue.me/?decolonizar
     
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