Now What? Advice...?!

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by MiamiGirl8145, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. MiamiGirl8145

    MiamiGirl8145 New Member

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    Hi,

    I am new to this website and forum. I am a 25 year old girl + med student who identifies as straight, but has an extremely strong desire to be with another girl (and by "be with ," I mean anything from making out to trying something more). I dress very girly/trendy, and no one would suspect I feel this way. But, all of these sexual thoughts/fantasies have remained solely that-- just fantasies. I do not know that, if presented with the opportunity to make these fantasies a reality, I would be able to actually follow through with it- esp when sober. Only when I am drunk do I become very handsy with other girls I'm "into", and I have never once pursued or flirted with an out lesbian or a girl who identifies as gay. But over the past 2 years these thoughts have grown more and more frequent and persistent, to the point that I feel I need to experiment with a woman I'm attracted to, physically and emotionally, so I can get these nagging feelings out of my system and finally experience the "unknown"--it is obvious a part of me wants this very much.

    Anyway, a few weeks ago I started to get to know a girl in one of my classes. Let's call her "jess." I had known of Jess before but had just started talking to her more this semester. She is very attractive and has an amazing body, but overall is a quiet, nice girl who sticks to her few friends. I knew she had a long distance boyfriend, but something about her just screams "bi" or "bi-curious". I could just sense something was different about her every time we spoke. Jess is very studious and I heard from others that she barely goes out to bars/clubs. But whenever we spoke, she always mentioned how we should get together and go out. Last Friday at school, I ran into her and she asked if I was going out later that night. I said to her I had no plans as of yet, but would love to go out with her. She then said to text her later and we would figure out plans.

    Later that night, I asked jess if she was still down to go out and she responded right away that she did. The plan was that I would come to her place first, have a drink, and then meet up with our mutual friends at a bar. I told her that I was prob going to a club after the bar to possibly meet up with another friend, and that she should also come too. She was all about that plan, and around 9 I showed up at her place to start drinking. I knew that jess was ok with smoking pot, so I offered to bring some over so we could smoke together (one of my fave "bonding" activities) . She said she didn't like to smoke before going out, so I smoked before getting to her place and was super high when I walked in the door (when I'm high I get very chill, talkative, and fun). She looked super sexy in a tight dress and wedges-- much different from her plain workout clothes she wears to school. After she realized how high and giddy I was, she declared she would smoke too and packed a bowl. We went outside on her balcony and drank and smoked. For over an hour, without looking at our phones or even breaking eye contact for the most part, we talked and got to know more about each other. But her eye contact was unmistakenbly intense. The way she was looking at me made me feel something-- it just felt different than "normal convo" eye contact. I asked about her undergrad life, and she mentioned she played lacrosse and other sports. "My parents were convinced I was a lesbian..." she said as her voice trailed off. Our eyes were still locked. I laughed a little laugh, and we continued talking. "Tell me about your boyfriend" I asked nonchalantly. "He's really funny. You remind me of him. In fact, you make me laugh more than a lot of people do..." she said.

    A little while later we headed to the bar. She bought the first round of drinks, and we saw some familiar faces from school there. But jess mostly stuck by me, and we danced a little as we started getting drunker. After an hour or so she asked if I was ready to go to the club, and I said sure. I grabbed her hand and we walked out of the bar. We didn't even say goodbye to any of our other friends we were so absorbed within each other

    At the club, we drank more. By that point I was very drunk and my hands were on her lower back as we walked around the dance floor. I def was touching her a lot...but not in a groping way. She never told me to stop touching her as we danced either. We didn't make out or anything but I just felt a lot of sexual tension. Her eyes were on me the entire night.

    The next morning when I woke up, I texted jess telling her I had fun and that next time she'd have to come and pregame/smoke at my apt. She responded a little later with an "ok and yes!!! Sounds good." I didn't hear from her again the rest of the weekend, but didn't think much of it since she's not a big texter.

    But when I walked into the class we had together on Tuesday morning, I passed her seat and she barely looked at me. That struck me as REALLY odd considering the fun we had Friday. And today I ran into her eating lunch at a table outside as I was on my way to another class and she could barely look me in the eye. We made pointless small talk and I tried to not come across too over eager-- just friendly and normal. How could we have gone from having such good, deep convo the other night to her barely speaking???

    My question is this: we went out one time now and I feel like we both had a really good time. I did not try to kiss her or do anything out of the ordinary that would've made her uncomfortable when we were out. And I didn't intimate that I wanted anything more than a regular friendship. I view her as a new friend with the tiny potential that something could "happen." So why all of a sudden do I feel a "shift" in her vibe like I'll never hear from her again?

    I feel like if she wants to hang again, she will text me-- I don't want to be the one to text her and come across as too much. I am proud/happy I didn't do anything cray while we were out like attempt to kiss her, because if she hadn't been feeling it then that would've been extremely awkward. But that's why I don't understand the shift in the way she's acting towards me; she seemed to have just as good as a time as I did.

    What do you all think? Is it possible she could have an inkling of "feelings" toward me? At this point nothing has been "ruined" in the sense that we are still friends, I just don't know if and when we will hang again. She is also a quieter person than me and not as outgoing, so maybe that plays into it. I would appreciate your thoughts on this and how you would proceed. All I know is that I felt a very undeniable connection between us-- it was not just a regular "friends hanging out" , and I'd love to explore that more by spending time with her--- I just don't want to come across as desperate.

    Thank you in advance.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    What happened was that your "seduction" technique is about as subtle as a brick wall to the face. She is not feeling it and now likely feels a bit creeped out by you. Which is the risk you take when you get really drunk / high and try to put the moves on someone you don't know that well and who is in a relationship.

    Just because you didn't try to kiss her, doesn't mean that your intentions were good. In fact, your intentions were pretty shitty - get high, maybe get her high and maybe start something with her / make out / or more with her. If a guy did the same thing - got a girl drunk / and or high with the express purposes of trying to put the moves on her / make out / sleep with her - it would vary from morally questionable, to repugnant, to criminal (depending on the state of intoxication and the local laws).

    Women no longer have to just worry about men trying to take advantage of them while they are intoxicated, now they have to worry about very closeted "straight" women as well. Stellar. And yes, you deserve every word of a strong chewing out. Because what you did was pretty shitty and selfish. And no, you have nothing to be proud of.

    You see, she woke up the next morning, sobered up and reflected on the night before. Everything that you were noticing about the night, she noticed too. 'Miamigirl was staring at me so intensely,' 'she hung out with me all night,' 'she danced with me a lot,' 'she put her hands on my back...' She is not stupid and realized - oh, this chick is into me and was trying to put the moves on me.

    She also likely awoke to realize that she does not want to a) bang a girl in her class b) bang someone while she is high c) cheat on her boyfriend d) get involved with someone who takes relationships as cavalierly as you seem to d) all of the above. She probably feels somewhere between creeped out and guilty. She seems to be sending you a clear signal 'stay away from me.' You need to respect that signal. If she has any sense, she will not go out partying with you ever again.

    I really think that you need to take a long hard look in the mirror before you hurt someone and before you make a mess of your life. Gets women drunk and bangs them is really not a label that you want. And yes, the stakes are higher because you are in med school - do you really want the unoffical chatter about you at Residency programs to be - creeped out her female classmates? I suggest that you make an appointment down at student health and get help actually facing your sexuality, instead of just repressing like crazy unless you are hiding behind drugs.

    Then go get on tinder, meet a sober, available woman and experiment a little. If you realize you aren't queer (which seems unlikely), delete your tinder profile and never have to see that person again. Seems much safer, more discreet and healthier than getting wasted and trying to bang your taken med school classmates.
     
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  3. MiamiGirl8145

    MiamiGirl8145 New Member

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    BlueNote: I actually think this is a really honest and sobering reply and I am not upset by what you said. However, NOTHING I did with her was not much different than how I usually behave when I go out with any other girl friends and drink. I was my authentic self. I didn't intentionally try to "make a move" on her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. I didn't say sexual things to her. My other friends at the bar were just as "touchy" as I was to me, and to her, when they were drinking. The only difference is that I prob was slightly imagining/hoping something more was happening IN MY OWN HEAD and played upon that.....but not in an overt manner. Maybe she realized my personality was too big or too strong and decided I'm not the type of friend she wants to hang with... but ya know what... it really doesn't matter in the scope of things because we went out ONE TIME... not like she was a close and treasured friend and she all of a sudden ghosted on me after a year! Comparing what I did with the actions of a sex-hungry frat boy is incorrect. I never forced alc down her throat or pushed her to do drugs (and I don't consider marijuana a hard "drug"). I never had the goal of "banging her" that night. In sum, and after a few hours of reflection, I realized there is nothing more invested in this friendship, other than the bullshit situation I created in my own head.

    You're very right I need to figure out my sexuality and speak with someone I trust about it. I do not believe I am a lesbian because I am attracted to and sleep with men, but I am certainly curious-- and I think that build up of wanting to be curious is presenting itself in the wrong fashion. You're right-- there is a better way of going about this and if I really want to, I should seek out and meet other like minded people, not class mates with boyfriends. I appreciate you opinion. Thank you.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Though I usually agree with @Bluenote, I'm going to give this a different take after having read your response to her post. The thing is, I saw the lust, flirting, etc. as being in your own head all along. I don't see the predator aspect that she identified here -- that's not to say that your actions could not have been perceived as overt and made her uncomfortable either. If your actions ventured outside of your own head and she perceived the whole thing as being some kind of seduction, then Bluenote's advice is spot on.

    My take on this...and I think having been in "Jess'" situation before...is that maybe SHE got wigged out because SHE is feeling more from the evening than she intended to feel. Maybe you brought out something in her reminding her that she might have her own internal shit to deal with -- hello, I had a boyfriend in grad school (who was in my class, btw, and even though I wasn't straight)....Sometimes we go into avoidance mode when we get scared, and sometimes that means pushing people away. Yes, it's crappy...but sometimes people for whatever reason take the easy way out. Take it from someone who's done the pushing away (and hurt people in the process because of it).

    She was the one who initiated plans with you. And I'm even more curious that her parents thought she might be a lesbian...why say that at all? Things like that don't need to be said. Did she bring up the boyfriend in conversation much? That's another thing I'd want to know, too....is she as happy in her relationship as she portends? I'm asking these questions because I have a whole lot of "maybes" floating around in trying to envision this situation: Maybe what you were perceiving from her was exactly what was there; maybe you weren't reading more into the situation as to having an undeniable connection because maybe there really WAS an undeniable connection there. Maybe this is all her way of having remorse for allowing her feelings to betray her; maybe it's guilt because of the boyfriend. Maybe she's not ready to deal with the fact that she might be attracted to you (or even that she might have some curiosity about women in general). Maybe she has no idea that you like her in a way other than friends and maybe your NOT liking her scares her as well. Maybe she's attracted to you and has no idea that you're remotely any kind of possibility? And finally, maybe she picked up on your flirting and did get creeped out by it (to this I say see the first response). Who knows what the real reason is.....but for as much as what was going on IN YOUR OWN HEAD...she might've had her own version of events that she kept to herself....maybe that version aligned with yours and maybe it didn't.

    I think for the time being, you play it cool. You don't act any differently than you had before. Don't act upset. Be casual. If you invite her out, invite her out as a group with other friends....don't give her any inclination that you are affected differently by the one night out. Figuring out who you are can be truly scary when who you are meant to be isn't what you had imagined....

    I wouldn't be surprised if, after some time, she starts acting normal again.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
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  5. silliputty23

    silliputty23 Well-Known Member

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    One thought I think you could consider is just the fact that she is so shy. The drinking and smoking loosened her up....but without it, perhaps she feels awkward with you. A lot of people with social anxiety will attempt to avoid a person if they are not feeling in the mood to entertain. There have been times where I've had an excellent time with someone...but the next day, realize I don't have as much to talk about with them or am not as entertaining for whatever reason (just tired perhaps). I don't want to ruin what we'd had the previous day. Just consider. What you see now may just be who she is. It sounds from others' description of her that that night she had with you was unusual. She doesn't usually drink and go out. She sounds shy and might have a bit of social anxiety.

    It's possible that she might have reflected on the night before and realized it was too intimate for her. However, I wouldn't be so quick to assume this is what is happening.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I definitely have a different take on things. Part of my different take comes from morality, some of it from the old 'the only person you can control is yourself adage.

    So let's start with that. We could come up with a million different theories on why Jess is behaving the way she is. From Jess is deeply closeted, to Jess swore off pot, to Jess is just a moody girl. In the end, none of them really matter all that much. Because none of us know what is going on with Jess and none of us can control her actions.

    The only person who can control anything here is - the OP can control her own actions. And, at a minimum - staying in the closet and using drugs and or alcohol as a way to deal with her repressed sexuality is not healthy, possibly not safe and most likely a bad idea.

    So instead of projecting everything onto Jess, the OP is best taking charge of her own shit. As in, getting some real help and coming out. The Occam's razor here is - simple answer - being closeted and high tends to blow up; convoluted answer - Jess didn't sense anything from OP, but has her own obscure baggage.

    I stand by my opinion that if the OP keeps using substances as a way to deal with her sexuality, instead of just facing said sexuality, that something bad is going to happen. So I stand by my advice for her to deal with things in an honest, healthy and sober way.

    The second bit is the morality and self preservation of the whole issue. At a minimum, trying to move in on someone who has a significant other is morally questionable. Adding drugs and alcohol into the mix only ups the moral ick factor. To me, the OPs intent does matter here. Because if she keeps approaching Jess (or other women) with these kind of intentions - something will eventually happen.

    Or, to put the shoe on the other foot - I would be pissed if someone had the hots for my wife and set up and evening of partying hoping something would happen. Even if nothing did happen, I would still not want that person hanging out with my wife. Because the intention and the disrespect - to my wife, to my marriage and to me are still there.

    (I would feel very differently if someone had the hots for my wife, but was very respectful, didn't hope anything would happen and just tried to act like a normal friend. Because we can't control who we have the hots for, all we can control is what we do with it).

    From the OP's description, I don't think that this all staid in her own head. It does sound like there was some sexual tension and touching between the two. But even if it was all in her own head, I do think that setting out with the intention of moving in on someone else's gf is not a great intention. Morally sketchy, but also a poor choice in the self preservation department.

    On the self preservation front - the OP is in school with Jess. The fishbowl that is med school, no less. Let's say something did happen between her and Jess, even something mild - like a kiss. OK, then what? Is Jess just going to wake up the next morning and be like - oh, I just got high and kissed some girl in my class, cool whatever? No, not likely. She is likely to either freak out, or blame herself, or blame the OP, or confess all to the bf, or etc... etc.... drama ridden option.

    And while the OP could try and break out all her carefully constructed denial arguments - she probably wouldn't get the chance. Jess (and Jess' boyfriend and friends and anyone else she tells) will probably not sit around and listen to 'I am not gay, Jess and I were just really high,' or 'I am not into Jess, it just happened.' No, people will be very happy to stick the scarlet letter of lesbo relationship wrecker on the OP wether or not the facts support it. And very happy to hold onto anything that feeds their confirmation bias. Because people don't like cheaters (and frequently don't like gay woman, however subconsciously) and do like having scapegoats.

    I stick to my advice for the OP to quit mixing business with pleasure, as it were. To come out, to quit using substances as a crutch and then to experiment with out gay women who are not also in her professional circle.

    Jess seems to have made her decision (stay away from me) and whatever her motivations are - it seems like a wise decision and I would honor it.
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I appreciate you listening to my point of view.

    well, you could very well be bisexual. "How" bisexual you are is difficult to tell, if you have been repressing your attraction for women, it could have built up into this big thing. Maybe you are really, really, really into women. Maybe you like women and men equally. Maybe you are much more into men, but all this repression has created a lot of built up feelings for you. I think a counselor and some self examination is in order.

    Truth is, I have slept with a lot of women (in my younger, sluttier days). It is not that hard to find women who are comfortable dating / making out / sleeping with you. You don't actually have to be all that sneaky or manipulative about it. You don't even have to be all that sure of your own sexuality ('I don't like labels' seems to be one of the big explanations these days). Heck, you don't even have to be particularly good looking or tall.

    I have no problem if two consenting adults want to meet on a hook up app, at a bar, etc... for some fun. I don't even have a problem with someone deeply closeted using said hook up methods, as long as everyone (and I mean everyone, no innocent spouses getting cheated on) knows the deal (this is just sex, no strings attached, if you are a right-wing gay basher politician your hook up will probably out you).

    It is a little harder for me to understand, in the day and age of hook up apps, online dating and so many clubs, why people go after taken closeted people. I do hope that you are able to self reflect on all of this and get to a place where you are comfortable with yourself.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
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  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Everything you have said is valid -- and I concur mostly. I don't agree moving in on someone who's taken and I don't agree that self-medicating with drugs and booze is any way to figure out one's self identity. Those things eventually will blow up in a bad way.

    I guess my vantage point is that, IIRC, Jess was the one who suggested going out in the first instance. Maybe I'm just not getting the predator vibe here -- because I don't see the one-sided aspect of the thing. I didn't read that the OP set out to make any kind of inappropriate move or had an ulterior motive that evening...maybe a crush? Maybe a friendship to find out something more....boyfriend or not, whether Jess was drunk or high it wasn't like she wasn't playing along with whatever is happening. Is it right...absolutely NOT (and you know exactly how I feel about cheating). I've had friends on whom I've had crushes but NEVER acted on it or even remotely allowed them to know a crush existed (and this has not been while I was in committed relationships)....and I would never encourage someone in a committed relationship to cheat. I would NEVER make a play for someone in a relationship, period. I've also had to tell people to step off when figuring out a crush existed on me.

    Regardless of how we're reading the situation, you are correct in that the OP needs to own her actions in a respectful way.

    1. Don't wreck a relationship;
    2. Figure out who she is.

    @Bluenote ...i TOTALLY get where you're coming from. I just don't see Jess as being completely innocent that night, either. Things could've and should've been handled differently all the way around.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't know enough about Jess' point of view to know. A lot depends on if she was into the OP before the evening began, or knew the OP was into her. It's one thing to go out drinking with a cute girl, it's another thing to be out drinking with a friend and suddenly think 'woah, how did I not notice how beautiful her eyes are?'

    Truth be told, I probably came down harder on the OP because she is in med school. The medical community is a small world, it can still be conservative and does hold people to higher standards. I would really hate it if the OP got into some dyke drama that blew up at school and tainted her professional career. She has worked way too hard, taken way too many risks and been through way too much to risk it - even the tiniest little bit over a hook up.

    So yes @MiamiGirl8145 , I came down pretty hard on you. But I do feel like you have more to loose than other (not in med school) women have to loose. I really do hope that you get this all sorted out.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I cannot guess any intentions completely and I would not put the op as a predator. I am concerned about the drinking and stuff. I don't know what the OP actual duties and schooling are, but I bet it is already a sleep deprived situation. You are sleep deprived, and you add all the other substances it makes things you do unsafe. Even if you are bar hopping on an uber, you are relying on the world to be a safe place for you while you are impaired. The world should be a safe place, but for me I wouldn't count on it.

    What I am saying is please take care. As I don't think of you as a predator and I know nothing happened, I do want to say I don't like drunken hookups because it puts consent into question. When I first joined AE years ago, people here joke about just get drunk with the girl you like and let things happen. Back then, I would feel like the lone fuddy duddy saying no no no, you don't want to do that. I am glad for Bluenote's advice and raising awareness on that in this thread. So, for your next adventure with someone, I hope you can find the beauty of being present and sober. A date with a woman, connecting, being intimate is too beautiful a thing to be impaired for.
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    For the record, I never have thought of you as a "fuddy duddy."

    IMO, Drunken hookups typically don't have the "happily ever after" ending. Most times, they're fraught with regret.
     
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  12. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

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    You were both wasted. Like seriously wasted...

    And you were all touchy feely out in the club where you're the only person she knows, she doesn't regularly do the smoking/drinking/clubbing thing.

    Chances are she had a good night, a hell of a hangover and woke up feeling kind of confused.

    Don't read anything into her behaviour when you're both 75 million miles past the turn off to Sober Land
     
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  13. MiamiGirl8145

    MiamiGirl8145 New Member

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    Wow, thank you everyone for such fabulous advice and really seeming to care, answer, and help me sort out things in my head--- things i cannot really discuss with others around me (even people who know me and love me). Even if I were to be bi, lesbian, pink, purple etc... anything but being "straight" is not something up for discussion with my family any time in the near (or distant) future...lol. But that's not what is at issue right now. I want to say that I am thankful for the women who have responded. What a great and helpful community this is and I really appreciate the input.

    At the end of the day, it was one night out. If I never hear from the girl again, I'm not going to go into a deep depression spiral and wonder what I did wrong etc etc. I am very "glam"/a New Yorker... she is from a small town in Maine and is not into designers, name brands..she is more sporty and athletic, which is great--- but if school had not brought us together we prob wouldn't have met or socialized in the same group! We truly are of different backgrounds...&

    I was the fun, bubbly, giggly girl I always am... and she sort of knew my personality before we went out on Friday. She knows I'm over the top, a little loud... but very funny and a good person to go out with because I love to dance and have fun. I made her laugh the whole night and we both enjoyed each other's company. The night didn't end on a bad note in any way. She got out of the Uber, we said bye, and that was that.

    Perhaps she is just more serious and quiet in a school setting, because when we went out she seemed like a different person-- more "loose" and not as serious. She is always in the Lib studying and she mentioned to me how important that is to her (it is to me, too, but she is much more studious in terms of sitting and reading in the library)

    In the end, everyone is right: I need to figure my shit out. Whether that means speaking to a psychologist, one of my gay friends, or an anonymous help line thing/forum like this... I need to look into that. This is the first time I have spoken about these kinds of feelings in any form, and again, I am blown away by the kindness and understanding of strangers on this site. I feel a lot better.

    I do not think I am ready to make a dating profile and actually meet women. I just don't feel like I'm at that point yet. But maybe one day that will be the next step. I do not want just a random make out or a feeling up. I really want to share that connection with another girl-- I think that's why I seem to shift towards girls I already know-- even though they're most likely UNAVAILABLE--aka straight!!!! LOL! I base off who I start to "crush on" by feeling their vibe and going from there. Thus, what this post is all about.

    To be even more honest, maybe the thought of being with a woman will forever just remain that for me-- a thought. Maybe that is why I pursue unavailable women; because I know in my heart it's just not
    Going to work out but that exciting "fantasy"--that thought--that excitement--can be alive in my head but never play out in real life. Because if it really *did* start to happen, I don't even know how I would react/move/think etc! I read something somewhere once that some fantasies are never meant to become realities. As I get older and more mature, I know I will figure it out and find out what my head and heart truly want. Living in the now-- focusing on my studies, my future, family and friends-- is most important to me. allowing my head to be in the neverland of "what ifs" has proven to be so detrimental to me because it is very hard to pull myself back to earth when my head is in the crazy clouds hah.

    Thanks everyone. :)
     
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