Nothing is going to change, so...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Izenf, Jul 3, 2016.

  1. Izenf

    Izenf Member

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    The end. UPDATE
     
    #1
    Last edited: May 10, 2017
  2. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Has is it been like this for all the years you've been together?

    I'm not sure if you've been able to properly talk about it when you're both in a calm and 'good' state of mind. I suspect you have though, but if not, I strongly encourage you to. Hopefully she will be more open to make things work and to actually talk things through and find solutions than during one of these episodes when it seems like reason goes completely out of the window.

    One thing is clear though. Her behaviour is not going to change unless something happens. And she has to understand that. Her behaviour is pushing for the destruction of something otherwise good (presuming the relationship is otherwise fine ofc). Does she really want to lose that and be stuck in an eternal cycle like this? Or does she want to find a way to break the pattern and make things work with you? You guys are married. That means you committed to make your relationship work. Which means she should be willing to change her destructive behaviour and get past it. But if she refuses to and continues running in the same circles, you are not obligated to have to take it. You have to look after your own mental health (and your kids too, considering it can't be the best environment for them).

    Really hope things work out for you!
     
    #2
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Move out and take the kids.
     
    #3
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Anyone who says sh*t like "Take your f*fing kids..." should not be around you or your kids.

    [​IMG]
     
    #4
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You put up with all this stuff...yet you say "Now mind you, yesterday and every day since the last time this happened, things are pretty good."

    Doesn't seem pretty good to me at all -- you're rationalizing. You're justifying her behavior through her fears and insecurities -- and in the process, you're ignoring your own needs.

    Let's step away from her for a minute and talk about you. If you know she treats you horribly, tells you to take your "f*cking kids," then why do you stay? Why do you allow her to consistently treat you like a doormat? Why do you allow her to set the rules for your relationship -- even refusing your request to go to counseling? Well, in her failing to take responsibility in any part of why the relationship isn't working you're stuck unless YOU are the one who does something. You can't change her -- especially if she's not willing to admit she has a problem. Why aren't you putting yourself and your kids first?

    Don't wake up one day and regret the happiness you could've had outside this relationship. This isn't healthy for you and it certainly isn't healthy for your kids. Consult a divorce attorney in your area and move out.
     
    #5
  6. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Wow! So.... Let me break it down to see if I have it right?
    You have been with this woman for 7 years and you both decided to make it legal two years ago.
    You both have three children who existed prior to the relationship, and you each refer to the other's children as "your children."
    She has a dog, not the family, not all of you, but "her" dog.
    Everything is good until she has periodic blow ups, during which she demands you leave and take your (f---ing) children.
    This blow up is resolved when You apologize, cry, take responsibility for her anger, beg, plead, etc.
    If you do not participate in this type of resolution to her satisfaction, she starts division of assets.
    Everything goes back to "normal" as long as you follow script and she does not have to do anything differently.
    Marriage "saved" for now.
    And repeat.

    Now, I need to apologize for sounding like a smart ass by summarizing your story that way. But, on a very serious note, is that basically the pattern you are describing?

    I find it hard to accept that life is good between you, for the kids, and even for the dog, if you are tip-toeing around waiting for the next tiny thing to cause a blow-up. Of course, there is resentment! 7 years of it in you if this is not a new pattern for her.

    You have every right to demand a change. There should be some non-negotiables in relationships - things you do not put up with and/or things you have the right to expect. Respect is one of those. So is participation in problem solving. But especially important, is never using the threat of separation/divorce as the card that will always guarantee the "win" in an argument. I believe in a marriage, it should not even be brought up in disagreements unless it is a serious option that one or both of you are considering. It is an extremely inflammatory and threatening reference and can never be unsaid once spoken. It creates insecurity, distrust, instability in the relationship....Especially because you are not young, moody kids anymore, if you've got 7 years in together and 6 children between you.

    Basically, demand a change to the pattern by requesting couples work (if you even still want to try), but if she seriously says no, there is your answer.
    Then, the question to ask yourself is why are you staying? You and your kids deserve better than that.
    I am amazed that you have endured seven years because that would only have to be uttered once to me and that would be it. There would not be time for me to learn that it could become a pattern. Threats are just unacceptable. Period.
    Hold your head up and pack your things. There has to be a Happier place for you and your children.
     
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  7. Witty

    Witty Member

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    Sounds like she's undergoing menopause to me...
     
    #7
  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    That explanation is so clear. It is like a relationship-control flowchart.
     
    #8
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  9. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    Things are not 'good', they're good 'for now'. It seems like you're walking on egg shells, waiting for the next explosion. When your wife doesn't get the reaction she wants out of you she takes it up a notch, and then another one. How far will she go to beat you in to submission? You're her wife, not her whipping boy, or her emotional punch bag and you should take a stand, for you and your children, because how much does she really care about them if she's willing to throw them out like they're trash? You should never have to beg, plead or cry for your partners forgiveness over such trivial issues.

    Think about where you see this going long term, the effect it will have on you and your children and how long you're willing to be a prisoner to your wife's erratic moods, especially when she refuses to get help.
     
    #9
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  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Don't ever live with someone who threatens your home and stability. I'm assuming you and your kids moved into her house so she is using that as a tool to bully you. If not, and you both moved into the house when you got married, then tell her to take her kids and move out if she's so unhappy.

    Ok, so I'm thinking it's the former and you moved into her house. Then start saving up to get a place of your own. Even if you do patch things up, you'll have established a nest egg to get out the next time she tells you to. I'm also assuming she knows it would be a financial hardship for you to just pick up and move so she knows you'll beg and plead and whatever in order to stay. Unfortunately, you have kids so it's not that easy to just pack your bags and go. So, you need to start making it possible right now. Open a bank account that she knows nothing about. Start putting money into it. Cut back on buying lunch, if you do, and put that money in the account. Cut back on everything and put what's left in the account. You'd be surprised how loose change at the end of the day adds up.

    Talk to a relative and ask if you could move in for a couple of months if worse comes to worse. That'll give n you time to save up for your own place. Whatever you do, you will need to move. She is a self-absorbed person who manipulates you with losing your home and the stability your children need. Don't allow it. After you divorce her make sure you never move into someone else's house again. Always be in charge of your own home, especially since you have children.

    The second scenario is that the house belongs to both of you. Both names are on the lease or mortgage. If that's the case then you need to stop allowing her to threaten you. The next time she tells you to take your kids and go march into the kitchen and grab the large plastic garbage bags. Go into your bedroom and start stuffing them full...of HER things. Keep filling them until all her clothes, makeup, what not is in those bags. If she hasn't asked you what you're doing yet then proceed into another room and pick up all her crap and stuff it into the bags. When she finally asks you what you're doing tell her you are sick and tired of her threatening you. Since she no longer wants to live with you and your children she can take her kids and move the hell out. Then take the garbage bags out to the front porch, or lawn, and tell her to pack up her car and get the hell out. That will probably resolve the issue of her threats. If not, start on the first option above. Any way you look at it, she's never going to change and you have to seriously have to ask yourself if you want to subject your children to a life with her.
     
    #10
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
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  11. Izenf

    Izenf Member

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    UPDATE

    I always wonder how people and their relationships turn out after something like this, so here's what happened. I can't believe I posted all of this almost a year ago...

    Things did not change. They we're repetitive and worse every single time.

    In October, she hit me. Prior to this over the course of the years, she'd raised her fist to me multiple times but never made contact. The night before she hit me, she raised her fist to me again and i shoved her off of me. Three times. The next day she slapped the hell out of me in front of her son and my two older children. I called the police, got my stuff and left. Filed charges. Was gone 10 days.

    On that 10th day, we talked. Tried to work that sh*t out with her but she only brought me back into the house long enough to leave me, not have me leave her. Went to counseling...the counselor only wanted to work with her because her issues were causing these problems. I saw a counselor on my own, who told me to have a plan B. So I did...

    In that time period, she decided to completely change her life and hang around a crowd that isn't like her, like she was having a mid-life crisis. She doesn't drink, is a recovering alcoholic, but suddenly was hanging around her drunk friends all of the time. See, they were giving her the atttention she wanted. She went one hour, literally, from telling me she was hopeful with me, to telling me it's over.

    She proceeded to make my life even more miserable because she wanted me out of her house. I got my own place and finally left. In the meantime, I caught her with another woman at a motel. Went no contact with her for a long period of time when she found out where I was and showed up there. She stated she didn't know how to accesss her tax return from the previous year so I gave her the information, but also told her I'd have divorce papers for her shortly. A couple of weeks pass, there has to be communication to divide assets, and she continues to be a big bully throwing her temper tantrums. I told her once again do not contact me, don't come up to me in public, leave me alone, see you in court.

    Divorce day was May 1st. And after all these years and all that running back and forth to her stupid ex, she brought her EX to court with her. One last f#@k you to me.

    I still struggle with it all from time to time, but wanted you all to know I finally did get out.
     
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  12. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Bravo for taking the right steps, no matter how difficult. In many ways, a divorce is like a death. Allow yourself time to grieve because at some point in all of this, you loved her -- or you loved who you thought she was. The vindictive person she became was probably there from the beginning as well; most likely she hid it from you until she couldn't anymore -- but, the point is, you mustered the courage to think of yourself for a change.

    A failed relationship doesn't define you if you made honest efforts -- and, well, you'll find yourself better prepared for when you find yourself in a healthy, loving relationship.

    Good luck. Chin up.
     
    #12
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