Not sure...

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by loirel, Jun 28, 2015.

  1. loirel

    loirel Member

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    Hi all,

    Pretty new to the site as a member, but I've visited a lot. I'm basically writing this as I am feeling pretty confused but I also feel like I know the answer. I'm recently out of a very long term relationship with a guy (ended over 6 months ago), I was really upset when it ended and it not really my choice. Since then I've reflected a lot and I have been accepting a lot more the fact that I am attracted to girls. It has always been there, over the years I've had mini crushes, but have never acted on anything. I'm in my late 20s, and I've had two long term serious long term relationships with a bunch in-between. I haven't really had a girl experience before, in the past I had a close friend come on to me but I wasn't attracted to her in that way, but at the time I was attracted to a different girl and nothing happened, she's my only friend that is not straight but we have drifted over the years.

    I've tried to date since my breakup, but I really have no interest in guys currently and I'm increasingly attracted to girls. I think I am bi, but I also have not had a full experience with a woman so I don't know if it is just fantasy. What has prompted me to write this is the fact that I am just home from a date, and all I was thinking about is that it's pride weekend and I should put myself out there with a girl.

    Currently I just feel very confused but I know that I am attracted to women, how do I explore this privately without having to come out? I guess I don't feel comfortable stating anything about myself until I have had a chance to think and also just see how I feel. Also how to I approach this so that people take me seriously?

    I'm in New York currently. Any advice is really appreciated :)
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It's your life, you get to do what feels right to you. You don't owe anyone anything but honesty and decency.

    Or, to put it another way, the term is LBGTQ. The Q is for questioning. It is very common for people to be questioning or exploring their sexuality. What you have described- having crushes on girls but not knowing how far it goes, is very common.

    You don't have to 'come out' to date. It is your life. It's ok to say that you are questioning. Ir to say that you are attracted to women, but aren't into labels.

    You may find some women who are more sorted out about their sexuality and don't want to date someone who is questioning. That is ok - but it doesn't mean that their is anything wrong with you.

    If someone doesn't take it seriously that you are exploring your sexuality, then they are an asshole and you are better off without them. Sure, they might not want to date you, but it's not ok for them to be disrespectful about it.

    But you will probably find quite a number of women who are also questioning or who aren't into labels and are very open to dating you.

    As far as meeting women, you have lots of options. Online, in clubs, through friends and through groups like meetup. You can also reach back out to that girl that you once liked.

    Good luck and have fun!
     
    #2
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  3. loirel

    loirel Member

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    Thanks for the response Bluenote! I guess my biggest hurdle to get over is how to approach trying to date women. I'm a pretty private person and while questioning I would rather be private about it, but I do realize in order to put myself out there I just need to get over that. Easier said than done tho! (for example online).

    It is nice to hear reassurance that there are others at this stage who are just questioning and figuring things out. I feel a little late to it.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    You know, I think more and more folks are comfortable just being out, without a huge hullaballoo about it. If you want to date women without making grand announcements to your friends and family - do it. Do you usually make grand announcements before getting coffee with a guy? Nah, you just get coffee and see what happens. You can meet this coffee (or low-stress beverage of your choice) dates anywhere. Online is a good place to start, but I would also really recommend joining some kind of social group or meetup that interests you, since that's a good way to meet people who share your interests. (There are queer version of pretty much any hobby gathering you might be into.) Most people meet partners socially - so you have to be a little social, and socializing with women who are interested at least theoretically in women will help that pan out for you... and that way you won't be back here in a few weeks with your first-ever crush on a straight girl.

    I also want to say - trust yourself a little more. People don't need to have a romantic or sexual experience to know what attraction feels like, and you don't need to pass any kind of test to get to claim your attraction and interest in women. I identified myself as not-straight at 13, never kissed a guy or a girl, and ten years of dating confirmed what I thought at the time: I am attracted to both men and women. But I knew then, without any kind of experimental test, and any queer worth their salt will trust you to know yourself.

    And - since Bluenote brought it up - I would also be prepared for the reactions of established, out queer women to "maybes." Lots of women don't want to be someone's test run, because navigating their feelings about their new sexuality in addition to their feelings around the relationship can be a rollercoaster. It can also be kind of hard to tell whether a maybe is interested in you, or the idea of you - I had a series of dates with a woman who really just wanted a litmus test on her queerness, and that ended up being pretty hurtful to me. I felt used and a little disrespected. Which isn't to say that questioners can't be great dates and partners, but it's good to be aware of the kinds of experiences that folks may have had in the past, and how that may inform their reaction to your exploration. Just be respectful and kind and honest, and you'll be fine.

    On a related note, I don't date closeted women, and it's not because I don't think they're really gay or interested in me; it's because I find the closet, and the implications of hiding my affection in public and lying about my relationship, exhausting and demoralizing. So it's something to think about - how comfortable are you being seen on a date with a woman? What will you say to your friends if you run into them? And how can you take care of your date's feelings while respecting your own privacy and boundaries?
     
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  5. loirel

    loirel Member

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    The grand announcement thing, you're so right!

    And if I really look and trust my self I know that I am attracted to both, but currently I guess it has gotten to the point where I am just thinking non stop about the female attraction, which has been causing a lot of confusion, but it is also something that has always been there but I've never internally reflected on it so much until now.

    Thank you for mentioning that last point also, it's something that definitely struck a cord, it's a hard situation to be in when I am figuring out my own feelings, but I would never want to have another women feel like I would be hiding them.

    My brother is gay and I was the first person he came out to years ago, and I'm fiercely protective of people treat him. I guess it's ironic that I now feel in a similar situation myself. I'm curious, for you when you just started dating did you just go for it and date both men and women?
     
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  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I did - which really means I said "yes" when asked out by men or women, because my dating game was not particularly strong and I was very shy. Also, let's be clear, I was in high school at the time, so that's a whole 'nother heap of awkward.
     
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  7. loirel

    loirel Member

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    Haha, yes I can only imagine :)

    I used to feel fairly confident but since my last relationship ended I feel like I've just lost that all and I'm just inside my own head too much. I currently couldn't even imagine walking up to a women to talk to her. I've exchanged glances with people on the subway / in bars the last few weeks but I also just feel overaly sensitive to it - I've no idea how I would tell if a girl is into girls (unless of course I was in a specific bar).
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    When I started dating, at first I was dating girls and guys. Around 20 I figured out that I only liked girls. I didn't so much come out as I was outed (this was the early 90s and I lived in a conservative area).

    It's not so much that I wanted to come out, but I got treated like a "dyke" so I kinda had to go with it.

    But things are very different today. Being gay isn't as big of a deal. I think there is less pressure for people to label themselves, because it's just not a big deal to be gay or bi or whatever.

    I think when dating someone, the best option is to be honest. If someone asks you just say 'I'm attracted to girls, but haven't dated much, etc...' Personally, I think that says more about where you are at than saying 'oh, I'm gay, etc...'

    As for meeting women, you can try things like online dating, bars, meet up and joining clubs or groups (sports, hiking, indie movies, etc...) Even if you don't get a lot of dates, you will make friends. And those friends will introduce you to women. (I met my wife through straight friends).

    I'm sorry that your confidence got hurt. If you go to groups with the goal of making friends, that can help get your confidence back.

    I know this all seems big and scary. But I think that you will be ok. Dating can be awkward and frustrating for everyone. There isn't some big secret that everyone else has figured out that you don't know about. Pretty much everyone is stumbling around and winging it. The few girls who are really smooth are players and just want to hook up.

    But the girls out there who are looking for someone special are going through the same stuff you are. The nerves, being intimidated and so on. But then you find the right person and it just clicks. There is a girl out there who will click with you.
     
    #8
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2015
    RagsOBrien and loirel like this.

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