Not sure what to do or think

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by rabbit26, Oct 27, 2019.

  1. rabbit26

    rabbit26 New Member

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    So currently having relational issues with my girlfriend. We've been on and off I'd say but more like break up for an hour and get back together. Mainly my fault I have issues with expressing my problems and when I express them it all comes together to be overwhelming. It's happened about 5x already. We talk and try to resolve our issues but they never seem to really go away.

    My main issues are:
    1) I hate her sister. Theres been so many problems here.
    To me her sister is just an irresponsible person. 30 years old, living off her gf, and her mom, and or her sister. I have apologized to her sister but she did not take any responsibility in our falling out either so currently she is dead to me.

    2) I feel as she doesnt defend me.
    Hate to say this but I have gone through her phone and I see that she agrees or doesnt say anything when her sister or her sister's gf talks shit about me.(broke up to this)

    3) I feel as though she puts me 2nd or 3rd to everyone.
    Honestly I might just be really insecure but what do I know. I'll make plans with her and then she'll forget and make plans with someone else. It's not always important things for ex. I made plans to go grab coffee and take our dogs to the park and then she forgot and made plans to hangout with her sister.

    -im in no way innocent from causing her pain.
    (Ex. When we first moved out to our apartment her sister wanted to come over and I told them they couldn't come inside. I did not want to see them. Apparently her sisters dog had shit in the car and somehow it had gotten on her. And my gf got angry at me because I wouldn't let her come in to wash her hands.) Nobody told me that had happen I probably would've been understanding and allowed her to come in but that's in the past and cant be changed. My gf called me inconsiderate and embarrassed her in front of her family. I agree it was a shitty move. (Also broke up due to this)

    And also I mean I've broken up with her 5x or more. Some of them were justified. But lately I'll say for a year or little less shes been distant. She agrees and told me it's because I've broken up with her so many times she is protecting herself and not wanting to invest or give in 100%. I told her I understand that but I've made progress with my issues and I want her to do the same. Not to throw 100% at me but slowly build up to it. I have these constant thought about leaving and itd be the best for both of us but then I also don't want to give up at the same time. I sometimes see us as a ticking bomb just waiting for the next time we break up. I'm not sure what I want and i know she feels the same. Sometimes I want to leave and it is scary I moved out here to live with her and I don't have any family here (they live 2hrs away), I honestly dont have much friends (maintaining relationships with people is difficult). But i dont want to use this as an excuse to keep staying with her anymore.

    I am the type I figured that wants to do things together, plan trips, plan weekends, and make memories but shes more I want to do nothing on the weekend or not plan anything with me. I also told her this makes me feel unwanted and asked if she could start planning little things to do with me. I believe a lot of my anger stem from feeling unwanted but maybe she shows her love differently. I go into these mode where I tell myself I can find someone better who wants to plan things with me or randomly do things together but who knows if i can. I feel exhausted from time to time and she does too.

    Im just not sure if I should i keep trying? Or no? Maybe honestly I just want input if I'm crazy or not for being this way? Or maybe I'm just a bad gf?
     
    #1
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2019
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You are not a bad gf and neither is she. There is a lot of fear from both of you and everyone is reacting. The trouble is that neither of you probably have a safe space to give anything you express to each other a chance. If you determine to fix something and build something together then, breaking up should not be a goto. I am sure she has done things that proves to you that you are second rate to her, but such beliefs are so easy to prove that it is making you crazy, right?

    The important thing is to determine whether you really want this relationship with her. If you do, you need to build trusts from both sides that has broken down so badly. Her sister can be the devil herself but family is so important to her that you can’t really police her feelings about her. You can stand your ground and not want to see her sister though. I am a bit confused by the dog story but why would she need to keep the dog in the car? Couldn’t she not walk the dog if the dog needed walking? It is her problem, no? And yes the hand washing is a misunderstanding piled on hostility. It is really so sad to come to this. You have made a tremendous commitment to leave your town to come to hers, is there any other reason for you to be in that town other than being with her?

    Also, on the sister. Don’t count on her to stand up to her sister for you. I mean, she should, but you can’t count on it. Family is too complicated for any outsider to intervene. You could ask for something minimal, like if her sister does something mean to you that all she needs to give you is a subtle sign that she knows it is not nice. Like even an arm around you or something. If you want to stay, make a commitment to work it out. Otherwise, every mini breakup is a sign pointing toward an exit. And please don’t stay because of fear of being alone, that would make you feel even more lonely. It is hard for couples to be on the same page and I hope you find a better way forward.

    And you know already snooping won’t help anything. You need her to treat you a certain way and that is all you need her to work on.
     
    #2
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2019
  3. Writer23

    Writer23 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, you’re a pretty terrible girlfriend. I can write this because I was you at one point in my life. You wrote that you were going through her phone. I did the same thing at one point. That is so unhealthy because without trust you have nothing. Distrust will eat away at your relationship.

    Also, you wrote that her sister is dead to you. Same thing happened with me. However, fortunately for me my girlfriend’s sister lived on the other side of the world. I should have still tried to repair the relationship. In the end, your girlfriend loves her family and I am sure that she loves you, so the conflict is stressful and hurtful to her. The not letting them in your house… you know that hurt and embarrassed her. You know that was absurd. Try to fix things.

    It seems as if the relationship is all about you, your needs, and your wants. Your constant breaking up with her is indicative of that. It seems as if you are the kind of person who focuses on her flaws and use them to justify your actions. She is going to check out. You are going to lose her. I lost two. They made mistake, but I now only focus on my own. I’ve grown because of that. If you love her , you will humble yourself, get off your self-righteous platform ,and become a better girlfriend.

    I bet you will see this post as a judgmental attack, not as someone trying to help you. I am not attacking you; rather, I am saying get your head out of your a** and work on you.
     
    #3
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think a lot of triggers can be helped without guilt and shame being any more entrenched in this. People who are part of a couple need specific attentions from each other. They also need to find out each other's triggers. You guys at least don't have to hide your relationship from her sister or family and that helps. You want her to do something different than who she is then you probably need to show her how you do it and make it fun. I am more like your gf who does not like to plan things so much. And shoot I forget really important things as a partner and if that had been a trigger for her, she would have ditched me long ago. You have hope if you still like being with her. If you don't then you do need to figure out what you really want. Find friends, even if you had to do it online. It truly helps you not feeling so isolated and that she is the only person who receives anything from you in a 2 mile radius.
     
    #4
  5. rabbit26

    rabbit26 New Member

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    I dont think you're attacking me at all. More like constructive criticism.I do own up to my mistake but like I said whatever I did in the past it cant be changed.
    I do tend to focus on her mistakes and flaws but I thought I did that because I wanted her to know what I didnt like her doing so she could work on it but it might be seen differently from her POV. I usually tell her this is what you did that made me angry so if you do it differently next time maybe the outcome of how I react would be different. But something's are just pattern or natured and difficult to change.But I don't just always nag on her when she does something positive I let her know too.
    And I agree 100% I need to work on myself and what I need and want from myself before I put that on someone else.
     
    #5
  6. rabbit26

    rabbit26 New Member

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    Thanks. Maybe well have a talk about triggers. I honestly already know all of hers but would be good to speak them outloud. And I know sometimes I want her to be someone she isnt and it's difficult because she is the complete opposite of me. And it's hard to understand why sometimes certain things she has trouble with even though I know I try to understand my actions might not align with my thought. I'll try to talk about some of these advice I've been given with her and see how it goes.
     
    #6
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2019

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