Not sure, what I should call this

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by pikatan2, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    64
    so ill make it as short as possible and as un-bias as possible

    a year ago I was dumped by my ex-fiance for other man AKA she cheated on me (gender was not the issue since the two of us is bisexual and we're clear on that) the problem was she dumped me for someone she never even met, basically its an emotional cheating.

    Fast foward I've move on and now I'm in long distance relationship with this beautiful awesome girl from USA (P.S I'm not from America) for almost 5 months now. I wouldnt say the relationship is bad we have argument here and there but none is a BIG argument. she herself have her own tragic story with relationship. We managed to find each other and be happy with each other.

    Now yesterday.. we had a really big fight and we did break up for 5 minutes. basically its about something I strongly believe in and stands for, she refuses to understand and learn to accept it. after breaking up for 5 mins she texted me saying she already miss me and called me. she explain to me why shes acting like a bum and not doin the "right" thing. she claim that shes missing someone touch and the human present in our relationship (which I totally get) it frustrate her and then she also told me that she have a crush on someone else but would never act on it and she ultimately wants to be with me. (FYI that someone else is straight too)

    I told her that I'm proud of her that she told me about this crush and its something that some people would keep a secret and just sweeps under the rug, shes really brave for telling me about this. I am proud of her that shes open about it towards me it indicated that she still want this relationship to work. now the problem comes from me, right now I'm feeling a little bit more self conscious about this "someone" else and I have this weird, heavy, annoying feeling on my chest that some how sleeping on it wouldn't make it go away (I usually sleep my problem off, I usually think clearly when I wake up). I understand if I cant let this go it will eventually become a problem and I don't want that, on the other hand I'm afraid telling her about this feeling will discourage her about telling me the truth.

    the long distance relationship, yes there's an end to this long distance. I'm planning to move to USA next year around summer for my study and I'll probably move to her state too.

    thank you for reading this :). I just want to know what you will do in my situation or your opinion about it.
    xx
     
    #1
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2015
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Hi Pikatan, sorry you can't sleep this one off. I am not sure what to make of it myself. But do you think you are relating the big fight to her confession? If you are worried about her having second thoughts I think it is ok to talk to her and start by just saying you feel a little vulnerable and just wanted her to reassure you as a lover. I hope that helps.
     
    #2
    pikatan2 likes this.
  3. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2014
    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    64
    Hey Greylin thank you for responding.. we have a new problem now.. something happen and I have to delay my way to america for a year...

    Shes obviously upset about it.. we talked and she came up with open relationship, she wanted to cuddle, hold hand, and kiss other people, no sex...

    she said she will visit but she just cnt take the physical needs so we in order to keep her around this has to be done

    Unlike her, I can handle all the physical needs eventho it frustrated me a wee bit but I managed to be okay with it...

    I'm not the kind of person who can kiss cuddle and do all the lovers activity with someone else while im relationship, it just doesnt feel right for me, for her its just flesh needs..

    I asked her if shes goin to develop feeling for someone else, she said she might but she will never leave me because she sees the future with me. I wanted to survive this relationship with her and I really do love her eventho its hard, I ends up choosing the open relationship.

    now eventho she havent done anything... I already feels like shes slipping away...

    I just dont know what to do now... should I continue this and then later I might possibly get my heart break or should I just end this now and deal with the heartbreak now...
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    It sounds like she can't deal with years apart. She is trying to bargain 'only cuddling.' But honestly, I don't think that that is going to work.

    I hate to say 'yeah, break it off,' but that seems like the best option. At least that way you two can be friends. But it sounds like your relationship isn't fulfilling her needs and that isn't sustainable long term.
     
    #4
    greylin likes this.
  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Only go into an open relationship because you really LOVE being in one. Otherwise it is torture until you can't stand it anymore.
     
    #5
  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I guess I want to add - I know that this is painful for you. But I would caution you as to how much you want to give up for and gamble on this 'relationship.' If I understand correctly, the two of you have never met in person.

    You could be putting a lot of sacrafice into an ideal of a person and an ideal of a relationship that doesn't exist.

    What if you stay together through two years of her 'kissing and cuddling' other women to get to America and discover 'hey, she liked the no monogamous arrangement and wants to keep it?' What if you get to the US and she isn't supportive of your studies? What if you get there and it turns out you gals aren't a good fit (she's moody, you are lonely, etc...?) What if 'kissing and cuddling' really means a bunch of affairs- which she doesn't tell you about until you have already come to the US for her?

    I know it hurts, but I think that there are a lot of things you need to think about before you commit this much to a ld 'relationship.' It certainly sounds like she is having second thoughts.
     
    #6
    lorienczhiu and greylin like this.
  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Feelings are real - usually based in insights that we can't quite name or quantify. They can be wrong, sure, and are liable to be influenced by our own past experiences and perceptions, but if you have a strong sense of something, then you should look at that feeling squarely and honestly.

    Because I disagree that she hasn't done anything. She is doing something right now - asking for physical closeness and and an open relationship for the next several years. The request makes sense, and I understand why she's making it, and yet - physical closeness builds feelings of intimacy, in our brains and our bodies, that lead to the emotional intimacy we call love. If you are not interested in learning how to be in an open/poly relationship, where different needs are met by different people and that's okay and agreed to by everyone involved (and it seems like you don't want that as a lifestyle, and are only agreeing because you want her), this stopgap arrangement is going to be very difficult for you. Like Bluenote suggests, the habits you two develop over the next few years in an open situation will probably not just end and revert to monogamy when you aren't separated, and may lead to another important relationship for her.

    And, as much as you want to be with her and seem like a good fit, you are pinning a lot of hope on an untested situation. There's a real danger in stringing things along in a hope of it working out down the road, and that road is getting longer and more difficult at every turn. There's no shame in saying that maybe, for all that you want it to work out, it doesn't make sense and will lead to a lot of unhappiness for the longish short term. Relationships are hard sometimes, sure, and they require work, but they're not supposed to be so hard and so much work that they leave you feeling upset and befuddled and alone.
     
    #7
    Bluenote likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice