Not sure if I'm the problem or what.

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Jasi, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. Jasi

    Jasi New Member

    Dec 26, 2015
    Likes Received:
    New to this and its confusing me (talking about the site)so if someone can help with that too it'll be great. I knew I liked girls since I was in 7th grade probably knew before, but came to terms with it then. People tell me I have a great personality, but don't see me and I'm like I'm not that short do I have to jump up and down for you to notice me. Or when they say I wish I can find someone like you( really?!) I know it will eventually come that I'm hoping will come true. I know I'm not the prettiest but I'm really fun to be around. Terrible flirt too so that never works. No one see me and idk y no one will give me a chance. I've been though a lot since I was 12 so playing games isn't something I want. People pass me over before they get to know me and its not fair it makes me think maybe I have the problem.
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Probably you don't have a problem, beyond a few bruises to your ego and a belief that no one sees you. And your age - and that of your potential sweeties - probably isn't helping much. Luckily, there are cures to all three: time, time, and time. I know, worst advice ever, but hear me out.

    I bet you're a great friend, fun and funny, prettier than you think. I think this because I work with teens and young adults, and it applies to 99% of them. These kids are so damn smart, kind, and beautiful, and they think that they don't measure up and that they're going to be alone forever because nothing has worked out yet. The truth is that they are competing on a tilted playing field and think they are the worst, when they are actually the best. The way we grow up seeing romance, friendship, flirting, and relationships is skewed toward a particular kind of attractiveness, a particular kind of personality, a particular kind of boldness - and it is rare, and maybe not even that great for us to begin with. So great personalities and uncommon beauties go unappreciated, because our dumb young selves think they want something that they've seen on TV/talked themselves into/heard from their friends. (I did this as a young person: I turned down date after date, sometimes from people I really, really liked and thought were smart and sweet and funny, because I was afraid of what my peers would think/ didn't want to acknowledge my attraction to what was culturally unattractive.) For queer folks, this is complicated by ideas about our particular flavors of queerness, our visibility, and our constructed desires.

    The good news is that this dynamic, which gets lots and lots of us ignored because we're bad flirts or not magazine pretty or whatever, fades with time. People get more comfortable with what they like as they get older, and realize that there's way more to a good relationship than status and arm candy. Give it a few years, and I bet that everything about you that is great - your personality, your looks, your approach to life, your hard-won perspective, everything - will seem like a miracle to someone, and they'll wonder over and over why nobody snapped you up before they met you. In the meantime, you can speed that up. You can take the initiative, and ask people out. When they say, "I wish I could find someone like you," you can tell them, "Well, you've found me! I'd love to take you out for coffee." Rejection sucks, but not taking the risk guarantees rejection every time. You can find queer spaces and make queer friends, without the explicit goal of finding a girlfriend, because the more potentially interested people in your community, the higher the chance that someone IS going to see you and want to see more.

    And - more worst advice ever - you can love on yourself and see yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you. Most people want to be in a relationship, and want love, but good ones don't come automatically, easily, or often. You're the hero in your own story, and your story doesn't have to be "I'm invisible" unless you let it. Try on "I'm fierce, independent, loving, and deserve the best" - because it's totally true.
    Crescida, rainydaze and girl7 like this.
  3. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
    Likes Received:
    I'm not sure how old you are but I bet it's just experience you lack. You just need to pick up on cues. Not everyone is transparent. When a girl says she wished she could find someone like you that's your cue to tell her you are interested in her, or that you are available. She's just trying to scope you out. If it really seems that you are being ignored then maybe you need to be a bit more extroverted. Try going up to a girl you like and start a conversation. When you attempt to be seen and heard you will.
    rainydaze likes this.
  4. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Jan 15, 2016
    Likes Received:
    I don't think that your height is a reason not to be visible (in response to someone who mentioned height). It's really down to personality. You need to listen more carefully and generally be more observant to find the perfect time to state "I'm available" or "I'm interested in you". Other than that, you'll be friendzoned, if you ask me.
    In terms of appearance-you stated your insecurities. If it makes you feel better, you can always start training a bit, eating healthier etc to generally take care of yourself. That'll build up your confidence and therefore would make you more visible for people. :) Hope it works for you. Keep your head up-the person will eventually come. there are many single people who're going through the same, wondering wherever their person is :)

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice