Not sure about it at all.

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by HoneyDylan, May 17, 2015.

  1. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    I have really bad gaydar. Ok let me go back and explain.

    I've been out for 10 years now but I'm a teacher and I don't really talk about my personal life at work, except with a select few. Most of my day is spent with 5 & 6 y/o and they get as far as 1. Do you have babies? No, 2. Are you married? No, or 3. Do you have a boyfriend? No. With my colleagues, well again I just don't talk about it, but I don't think anyone would be surprised about it. Actually about a month ago one of my colleagues came up to me to congratulate me and share they supported the repeal of the marriage ban in my state.

    Ok so last year, we interviewed and hired a new teacher. From the moment she walked through the door I think I was hooked. She was an excellent candidate too and turned out to be an even better teacher then I expected which was a plus! Ok so she is gorgeous to me but I've always had this no funny business at work policy, which hasn't been hard. So I resigned myself to being friendly.

    However, for a years now I've suspected she is a lez, but I have horrible gaydar, so I really don't know. Like I said she's gorgeous, but she doesn't have a boyfriend. Other colleagues have tried to set her up, with a really nice guy and nope she wasn't interested. Meanwhile I've been really supportive to her, this being her first year teaching and all. ;) I've shared resources, helped her problem solve about students, & I've given her little gifts through out the year to show support and appreciation. I'd like to believe we've become friends.

    So here are a few things that always make me think there is a bit more between us. Every time we go out to lunch she insists on paying. I know doesn't means she is interested in me. We text, something we've both initiated at different points. Again doesn't mean she likes me more than in a friendly way. We talk evey work day and always check in with one another after kids go home to debrief. Once again, this could just be a bff thing and not romantic in any way.

    So on occasion when things get overwhelming at work I tend to fall into a black hole and don't have much time to socialize. Other times I feel like I'm coming on too strong and do I pull back to not scare her away. When either of these things happen she comes to seek me out. There is also this thing she does when she sees me from far away, where she calls me over with her finger. Lol I love it.

    I've tried on a couple occasions of finding ways to ask if she is straight, bi or a lez, but I always back off because I don't want to cross a line or make her uncomfortable. Even if she is, she may not want to share that at work and I want to respect that.

    So what do you all think? Just friendly, or is something there? Honestly I can sometimes read too much into things and well I am afraid this is one of those times.
     
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    Last edited: May 17, 2015
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Hmmm.....good one.

    My question to you is: other than lunch, checking in over text messages, have you done anything to socialize outside of work? Dinner -- hang out with friends, etc.? Has the friendship extended beyond the work boundaries?

    I don't see anything in what you've said to know whether this woman views you as a friend or there's the potential for more...and I say this not because it is or isn't there...but because you just haven't said anything to make me think there's anything there...for now. And no, I'm not going to go into a rant about work relationships...you seem to have a good grip on this.

    So...perhaps you should do something: go to happy hour, grab a glass of wine...bite to eat...something after work? You can set this up to look completely innocent -- after all that's what friends do, isn't it? From that kind of scenario you can totally get more information without coming on too strong. If she's straight, then it's a good chance to solidify a friendship outside of work. If she's gay or bi...then you'll know for sure and whether the potential for anything other than friendship is there.
     
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  3. _mirage_

    _mirage_ Well-Known Member

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    Gaydar is totally absent in a large portion of the LGBTQ population. Terrible error, seeing as most of us could really use it!

    Okay. To be honest, from your post, the resounding message is that you blatantly have a thing for this lady. However, nothing that you've written, like Spygirl said, really indicates that she feels for you past great friendship. That being said, we are not you and we are not seeing your interactions with this girl on a daily basis. Usually, when a person has a feeling about someone, there is a huge possibility what they feel is the truth. You are probably more intuitive than you know.

    The obvious solution is communication. In an ideal world, you could just ask her if she had any feelings that hover more toward the attraction rather than friendship for you. But, you are in a less than ideal situation seeing as she is a member of your work community. Truly, don't mix where you eat and poo ;). The workplace is where you earn your living and act professionally; it's simply not a good place to pick up a potential partner seeing as the risk tends to outweigh the reward, as I'm sure you already know.

    However, to ask her her sexuality isn't necessarily a no-no. It's a sensitive subject, for sure, but you could find a way to bring it up. If you're comfortable with yourself being out at the workplace officially (by declaring so, rather than having people sort of just 'pick it up'), then you may be inclined to bring up your own sexuality as a conversation starter...people always feel more confident to reveal their own attributes in common company. Or you could try inviting her somewhere on the gay scene...not as a date, but clearly as friends, and see her reaction. Or bring up an LGBTQ issue and gauge her opinion (totally unoriginal, but super effective). I know you don't want to cross a line, though. So, think carefully about your decision.

    Sometimes, it's better to leave well enough alone and push our curiosity behind us.

    Best of luck, hun!
     
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  4. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    I agree with everything you've said. I don't usually hang out or socialize with people at work so it would be blatantly obvious. We are all too exhausted at the end of the day to want to go out. Lol Plus this year has been a tough one. HOWEVER, I have had plans to ask her to some friendly outings this summer when we are both off of work. So we shall see. Thanks for the insight.
     
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  5. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    Yep I totally have a thing for her. Not gonna lie. Which makes it all that much harder to listen to my intuition. Which I have some very good intuition, it just gets fuzzy when it comes to women I'm attracted to.

    Not gonna lie. I really do not eat where I poop. I don't like it and don't do it. I avoid it. It's been kinda easy because when such a large group of women work together their ugly side really comes out. This ones got her hooks in my though. I haven't been able to shake this off all year. However. I am completely ok to sit in the friend zone. 1. I don't want to mess up my work & 2. I don't want to lose her friendship if there is nothing more. It's an inner struggle with myself. I know if I wait long enough something will happen either way I suppose.

    I mentioned in my reply to Spy that we really don't socialize during the year and I have plans to attempt something friendly over the summer. We shall see.

    Thanks for your insight!
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I noticed the ring on your ring finger on the profile pic. If you have it on all the time and if you can bear it, try going into work one day without it to see if she'd notice. I am not expecting some dramatic reveal or anything by that, just something to try.

    I want to input here because I really want to say that all I have noticed from your post for sure is that both of you are awesome, caring teachers. Thank God for you and your profession.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You can always make it a group thing with other people from work at first... That way it looks harmless. After all.. Considering most of us spend most of our waking hours at work... Work friendships naturally evolve. That way if it does evolve to one on one...it won't be blatant. Last day of school... Ask your colleagues to go out and celebrate a tough but successful year.. From there, things can evolve :)
     
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  8. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    Oh Greyling I don't wear it often at all. I had to look twice to see which ring I had on. She does wear a ring but only on her middle finger. I think it's something her parents gave her. I might ask her about it. :)

    Also, a huge thank you, my job is tough but I really enjoy it. :) Makes it easier when it gets tough like now the end of the school year. :)
     
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  9. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    Spthe staff does actually have something scheduled for the last day of school, this Thursday. I just don't know if she or I will attend. I know from experience we are exhausted they day. I'll have to ask what her plans are for Thursday afternoon. Thanks for the idea.

    Though I will admit I don't have a problem asking her to hang out alone with me this summer. It wouldn't be weird at all because I can always use the guise of setting up for work next year. I know we are scheduled to spend several days together for a professional development too and I've already shared that I'd be around to help her set up her room for next year. She has offered to help me pack up my room this year. I'm being moved rooms, and I'll be her neighbor next school year. Something which we've already joked a bit about. :) There are lots of opportunities.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that you need to figure out what you want.

    You say you don't want to "eat where you shit" but then you are trying to figure out if she is gay and how to spend more time with her.

    Which sounds like a huge amount of denial going on.

    It's kinda like an alcoholic "going out for dinner" at a pub. Temptation can be hard to resist and you are playing with fire.

    So yes, I am going to give you the "don't go there at work" speech (slaps @Spygirl upside the head).

    I don't know what the rules are at your work, but you should figure them out. It could cause a small scandal if the kids somehow figured stuff out. Plus the teacher administrator rumor mill. I really don't think that these are lines you want to cross.

    So don't cross them. And don't be in denial and edge up to them pretending like it's not tempting as hell.
     
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  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for the reality [email protected] know me too well. This poster though seems to have a handle on things. At the same time, I love you for the bitchslap.
     
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  12. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    Hi Bluenote. Ha ha thanks for the speech. I am in no way her supervisor. We are both teachers and there isn't a rule about no dating coworkers at school. There are several coworkers that are married to one another. With that said... I am very away of the rumor mill and I have been very careful not to show her any type of favor that is out of line. Not just for myself but for her as well.

    I do like her a lot and I do like spending time with her. I have no problem staying in the friend zone. I'm just very curious. I am also very aware that even if she is attracted to women, she may not be attracted to me. Not in denial, very aware of all possibilities but the not knowing is perplexing.

    Here is a funny, we just hired a male teacher who shares her last name, and she came to my room to share that all the kids would ask if they were married. We had a good laugh about it. So dating at work wouldn't be a scandal. What WOULD be bad would be if it ended in a bad way and THAT is what I don't want so trust me that I will tread VERY carefully as I don't want either of us to want to transfer to another school. I am attracted to her but value my work and her friendship more.

    I just wanna know. Lol I guess you can say curiosity might kill this cat. :) Actually I'm fully prepared for her to tell me she is straight. That would also cool my jets as I am not into falling for straight girls.
     
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  13. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    Also I have to say it would be impossible to stay away from her because we work closely together on lessons and with students. So it isn't like I can avoid her. I know that is another reason to not mess around. I can live with my feelings quietly or I can resolve them and they might go away. Either way she might not ever know about them, but staying away is not an option unfortunately.
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    There is staying away and there is getting interested in her orientation and trying to be friends outside of work.

    What if she is gay? What then?
     
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  15. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    @Spygirl @Bluenote (so excited because I just learned we can tag people. Lol) I don't want you to think I am not heeding your warning. I am, I just saying I'm aware of the risks. I know there is a line and I don't cross it without knowing full well what I am getting in to. It's been a year now and this enfactuation hasn't gone away so I am starting to poke around to see if it is more than that for me. Would i be willing to cross that line. Debating it with others would let me figure out if I would be.

    I guess I'm trying to find out if it is blatantly obvious to others and not myself or vice versa. Also... I suppose what I really want to know is if this is a line she is willing to cross as well. I would not make a move if I wasn't sure of it.

    I wanted to know what others thought of it. I'm glad for your opinions. I hear you and you are saying don't poke at it and just live where I'm at now. That's doable.
     
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    Last edited: May 17, 2015
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  16. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    If she were gay, then she is gay. It doesn't mean she likes me in a romantic way. That would be a different bridge to cross I suppose. Again, lines in the sand and it all depends on if I am ready or even willing to cross them. Cause once crossed there is no going back. :)
     
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  17. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Ah ha! So now it seems like you might be considering crossing that line.

    Just don't. You guys are to intertwined. Maybe people in a less professional environment or people in a big company who don't work closely can date. But this- no way.
     
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  18. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    Ok.
     
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  19. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Infatuations do fade.

    And the situation that you have described is not one that you want to "shit in" (kinda your words).

    Trust me, I get how uncomfortable it can be to have an infatuation. But it can also be room for growth. How much do you really know about her? What are you drawn to? Her looks? Her warmth? How much you two have in common? Her dedication?

    You can take the answers to that and think about dating. Ok, I want a gf who is passionate and a bit sassy, etc...

    But you can also stop and take a look. Are you feeling the tug to have a gf? Are you getting out enough socially? Do you want to be in the 'dating scene?' Are you infatuated in part because you are trying to fill in a too empty social life?
     
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  20. HoneyDylan

    HoneyDylan Well-Known Member

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    @Bluenote I know infatuations fade. Been there done that and because this one has lasted so long it is why I questioned if it is more that just an infactuation for me.

    Also I'm not uncomfortable. I know my feelings and I am really ok keeping it to myself. If it IS an infactuation it will fade and if it isn't and grows into something more then it will be that for me. It doesn't really have to involve her at all. Lol I know that sounds weird but I am all to aware that what I feel for her maybe one sided. I am prepared for that, I'm always prepared for that.

    I am of course attracted to her physically, I think she is gorgeous. As the year has gone by I've noticed how well we get on. She is friendly and warm, kind and dedicated to her students. We are frustrates by similar things and even when we are on opposing side we can come to a resolution. To go even further she is strong and is willing to speak up but not bossy or overpowering. She is willing to work on problems with both teachers and students. I am sure she has flaws, but as of right now I am still wearing rosy colored glasses when it comes to her.

    To answer your question, no I'm not feeling a tug to have a GF. I'm happy in the space I am in, it is why I keep asking myself these questions. I do know what I am attracted to and look for in a woman. I'm not saying I know everything about myself but if this experience teaches me anything is that I'm willing to cross that line if I want to. (But I am heeding your advice and letting it be.)
     
    #20
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