No one wants to be THAT girl.....

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by tinydots..., Sep 8, 2015.

  1. tinydots...

    tinydots... New Member

    Sep 8, 2015
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    Im am falling hard for a girl thats taken! I can't be that girl.

    First off, Im horrible at reading maybe she's just being nice? But idk....this one is hitting me like a big yellow school bus. I don't want to act on it just feels so damn right. Again, she has a damn girlfriend!!!!!!! It makes me sad to my core.

    The story.....

    Let me start off by saying I don't usually get caught off guard by girls. I mean I clearly walk into a room and look around and of course am drawn by the ones I find to be attractive, but it usually doesn't go past that. Im just a pretty busy person with bad flirting skills. If you're familiar with friends....think chandler and women.

    So I walked into class sat down and she sat behind me. That whole gay-dar thing was like oh yeah she's gay, but again I just want to get through this semester with an A+ so i will not be distracted by pretty gay girl. (too late....)
    So end of the first class and as I'm walking out with a friend she kinda just cut off my conversation and asked me something class related. Obviously, not flirting. But idk there was something about her that just....stuck out. So following the following class I left early to go buy some supplies and I ended up running into her in the store. She was like hey you following me? I replied something small like...yeah. So. We laughed and walked to our next class. We both had extra time so we sat next to each other. I really had no intention on carrying the conversation with her and I took a book out and started reading. Eventually someone I knew came over and sat next to me and we started talking about returning items to stores and what a hassle it is to do so. I said to my friend hey its super just gotta know how to ask. So pretty girl says....yeah thats right. Bet you're a smooth talker. We laughed and I gave her a high five. We pretty much talked the rest of the time I sat there. Completely ignored my friend....heehee. So by the following class we both kind of made it a point to talk. After class I headed to a study area. The whole time I was like oh man I hope she comes in here and sure enough a few minutes later she did. So she came over and sat across from me. Although we did study we mostly just talked. There were other classmates there so we were all pretty involved in the conversations but for whatever reason her and I just always kept exchanging stories. So at the end of the study session she walked up to me cause I had moved over to talk to someone else...and asked if Id be attending the next day's tutoring session. Me all gaga was like uhh yeah and she was like cool! Ill meet you here. I had missed part of the lecture that day so she was like hey if you want give me your number and Ill send you what you missed. So we went our separate ways and a few minutes later I got her text. Of course it was school related so i didn't think much of it. But we kept texting about random stuff. We pretty much text the whole day about class/life/anything. By then I was like....okay this is going somewhere ;) So the following day we met up and to make an already long story short.....we talked about ourselves the whole time. For about 3 hours....we got to know everything we could about each other. Eventually we gave up on the studying and went to go get dinner. Well at dinner we pretty much continued where we left off but she casually threw in..."my girlfriend." I think I choked on a bean when she said it. It was......cold and awkward. After that....she'd casually throw "my girlfriend" stories into the mix. By then I was like......oh god okay. I need to stop. But even after we went our ways she text me. The following day....she text me. The whole weekend....she'd text me. Again, i'd start off school related and go off into life and life. Ive been very uncomfortable these last few weeks. Im not sure how to feel because obviously she's invested time into her relationship with her girlfriend. They sound serious. Its not something she constantly shares with me but Idk how to react when she's obviously flirting with me and then follows it with a "my girlfriend." She's a funny and smart girl. She makes me laugh so much and she's got a good heart....shes everything Id want in a girl after graduation. Thats another thing....I don't want a relationship. I want to get through school but this girl is pulling on the strings of my corazon. I keep telling myself she's just being friendly and maybe she's just wanting to be friends but the things she texts me and the conversations we have...idk. I am NOT going to do anything to ruin their relationship. I wouldn't want to put her through that or her gf. Im stuck. And I have 4 more months of this class......Idk how to make it if we're always texting. I don't want to reply and sometimes I don't but then it comes around again. She just text me now.....and i replied. :(

    HOW DO I STOP THIS? How can I stop these feelings? Again, Im no expert on women and am not one to just go get a random girl to ease the pain. (I had a friend suggest that, haha)

    Am I a horrible person for replying all the damn time? :( thanks......
  2. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Dec 10, 2014
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    It doesn't make you a bad person to have a crush on someone.

    But saying that you might want to back off a bit. Think about if that was your girlfriend constantly flirting with someone.

    You can either back off a bit, message her less, don't be so involved. Or you can be honest with her, tell her you have feelings for her and you don't want to be the person who gets in between her and her girlfriend. And trust me you don't want to be that person.

    Either way, you can't keep going on the same way. If you knew your girlfriend was being as close as you are with her, would you be happy about that?
    greylin likes this.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    The only way her behavior would be ok to her gf is if they were in an open relationship. Even then, I can't imagine someone spending so much time texting someone else while in any relationship. The biggest problem right now is that you need to get through school and she is a distraction without benefits. Try setting limits and say you can't talk, you have to study and go into do not disturb mode on your phone. You are a good person and a good student, someone tempting you any other way is not attractive.
    Gentry likes this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    There is a problem solving method in physics, where you do some rough calculations with possible criteria. If it fails any of the rough calculations, you don't need to spend the time doing lots of detailed analysis.

    I think that that fits here. There are many fine points - what constitutes cheating, what kind of relationship does she have with her gf, what do you mean to her, etc...

    But there is a pretty big, rough point -
    You are a busy girl, who wants to focus on school and get A+s.

    For the sake of rough calculations, set morality aside and say 'is she taking up a lot of my time?' = yes
    Is she distracting me from paying my best attention in class = yes
    Is she distracting me from studying = yes

    Yes, it feels good to be around her. Yes, there is a lot of temptation in that. But you have to look at this the same way that you look at other school temptations. What would you do if a friend called you to come to a party on Sunday, when you had class Monday morning? What would you do if you were having pizza at a friends on Tuesday and they suggested that you spend the night smoking down? What would you do if a friend texted and wanted you to skip class on Thursday to go to the beach?

    You would say 'no.' It might be hard to say no, because you like doing social things that your friends invite you to. But if you want to get top grades, you have to have some kind of discipline 'no partying on Wednesday, no skipping classes, no mid week pot haze, etc...'

    If a friend kept repeatedly texting you to do 'forbidden' stuff, you would probably talk to the friend about it. You would probably say something like 'I really like hanging out with you, but I am buried with school, lets get together on Saturday instead,' or 'I am cutting down on blazing / drinking / skipping school and keeping my grades up.' If the friend didn't understand, then they aren't really your friend.

    I think you need to do a similar thing with her. Start sitting towards the front of the class, so you aren't distracted by her. Tell her, politely, that she is a good friend, but you really need to focus. Set 'phone off' times just for studying and don't text / check your texts until those times are over. Set a schedule before you leave for the day, so you aren't tempted to just 'go grab dinner with her' after class, instead of heading to the library.

    Is it sucky? Yes. Is it boring and dorky? A little. But if you really, really want to get (or keep up) your straight A+s, then that is what you need to do.

    The other stuff is harder. She has a gf. It sucks falling for someone who has a gf. It is really painful to have unfulfilled feelings. It can raise a lot of questions about 'what is cheating,' 'is she cheating,' 'do you want to be with someone who hops from relationship to relationship?' Those are harder questions to answer, it can get into gray areas and complicated moral judgments.

    But setting all of that aside - putting a lot of effort into stuff with her, to the detriment of your grades, is not a good idea. Just like any other temptation, you have to deal with it and focus on your studies.
    Gentry and greylin like this.
  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    No, you're not horrible. But your problem has a simple solution: stop replying.

    She's in a relationship. You find her distracting. You really need to focus on the class. So you need to remove the distraction - by not sitting near her, not replying to her all the time, and by turning off your phone or putting it on airplane mode when you need to focus (bonus: requires no ongoing willpower from you). If she becomes more persistent, tell her that you're not sure if she realizes she's flirting, but it's kind of confusing and you need to focus on school, and you'd be happy to be her friend if she could dial it back.

    I will also add - if I were her girlfriend, I would find her behavior, and yours, pretty disrespectful. You're right: you don't want to be that girl.
    greylin and Gentry like this.

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