no one to talk to

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by GeanD, Jul 14, 2014.

  1. GeanD

    GeanD Active Member

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    Hi, so I posted on here a few months back about a situation that was confusing to me and was getting me down a lot. I'm still confused. So the situation was that I've worked with a certain person for about two and a half years now, when we first met I was really quiet and reserved, which didn't seem to bother her and so it was her who started talking to me and her who made the effort to get to know me. She got my number from someone and we started talking here and there at first but then we would talk for hours, sometimes until 3/4 in the morning, even though we'd just spent most of the day working with each other and I began to really like her and she would say that she really liked me and that I was unlike anyone she'd ever met, she'd say things that no one had ever said to me before. Unknown to me at the time she was having an affair with a guy who we both worked with, someone who I had known previous. So when it came out about the affair we got closer, we spoke even more, laughed around with each other even more and when we were out socially together she'd become touchy feely with me, hugging me closer to her and just touching me. Acting like this whilst having an on/off relationship with the other guy.
    Then out of no where she became cold to me, they started an "official relationship", as if what they have could ever be called that and she barely even acknowledged me at work, stopped talking to me outside of work and only spoke to me when it seemed to suit her. And that's the way it has been for about the last two years of knowing her. They are still in their "relationship" and now she's pregnant, which is a disaster waiting to happen, considering the type of relationship they have, its pretty selfish for them to even consider bringing a child into their mess.
    The confusing thing to me is that during the time of their "official" relationship and her only acknowledging me when it suited her, when we were out socially she would still act touchy feely with me, hugging me, kissing me dancing with me. When they were in one of their dramas she'd sometimes act like that in front of him, which you could tell he didn't like, considering one time he called her a bitch for it.
    The thing is though I had gotten to really like her and still do, but she seems to be completely oblivious to how she has treated me, whether it is ignoring me to then be overly touchy with me to then being cold again. And sometimes these things play on my mind, and it gets me down and it shows when I'm at work because I'm just not happy, and she'll ask me why I'm so miserable all the time without even acknowledging that her actions have consequences and sometimes I just want to shout that out at her, its like she doesn't remember all the things she had said to me or how she acted towards me.
    So the reason why I have posted on here again is because I have no one to talk to, I can't tell or ask my family for advice because that would mean telling them things I don't want to, I don't have any friends, she was like the first friend I had, plus I don't think people would even believe that I would like someone seeing has they all think I'm cold and make fun of the fact that I've never had a relationship. I never believed in relationships, people just aren't honest, but she made me think otherwise, but now I think I was right all along, but now its too late because she made me feel.
    I just don't know what I was to her, I don't know which version of her was true. Was I just a game or someone to use or a power trip for her?. I just don't understand, I keep telling myself that she must know how she has treated me, but chooses to be oblivious to it, but then I don't know how someone could treat another person like that and not take any responsibility for what they have done or give an explanation.

    So, if you have read my problem, thanks, sorry it was long, but any advice or an unbiased point of view from anyone, who's more experienced in relationships or the way that people think would be a great help and very much appreciated. Thank you.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    i can't log onto here consistently over the next month so, please pardon me if I write something and drop out of sight. Dear, I believe you to be a very vulnerable person relationship wise and your co-worker is a shark who can smell people like you. Relationships with people is not the problem, the problem
    maybe that you have never been in an environment where you can trust someone. There are good relationships and people to meet, they are out there but you do need to open your heart and leave your prejudice behind about people and find them. I mentioned prejudice and this is important..you have a false belief that is always looking for evidence to support it. Not all people are sharks and snakes like your co-worker but all people are flawed. If you meet someone, don't let an occasional flaw lead you to believe the worse. When someone does something to you that you don't like then say you don't like it and it is really that simple and sometimes you have to repeat yourself.

    Your family needs to be supportive of you and not make fun. Good choice not going back to them and look for someone else to talk to. Find activities you enjoy and make friends from it. Leave work behind.
     
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  3. GeanD

    GeanD Active Member

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    I agree with what you are saying, I never have been able to trust people from young age, and so have never let anyone get close to me or allow myself to be close to people, its not that I think as soon as I meet someone that they are flawed, I appreciate that people are, I myself am definitely flawed. Its just that I think I have built up this wall from such a young age that its automatic to me.
    So when I had finally met someone that seemed to break through those walls without me even realising it or not knowing how she had done it, it hurt me terribly to think that I had finally trusted someone to just end up being nothing to that person. And it continues to hurt all the time because I never know where I stand, she made all the effort in getting to know me, wanting me to trust her to then go cold without an explanation. And if that was how she had acted from then on until now I think I wouldn't be in as bad a spot as I am now. But for two years she has been confusing me with no acknowledgment to being overly touchy with me when we are out socially or trying to make the other guy jealous or wind him up or whatever that was.
    Sometimes I think it was my fault, that I should have been more careful to not allow myself to feel, but I try and think at what point did I allow it to happen and I don't think I could have stopped it because it happened out of nowhere without me even realising it, I thought I had met the best person ever and that I had never met anyone like her, but now she just reaffirms why I never allowed myself any relationship.
     
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  4. Anonymus

    Anonymus Well-Known Member

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    Hello GeanD, surprisingly I had encountered someone exactly like this in my past. I wasted 8 years of my life on this woman. When we were alone she was sweet, caring, loving, hang out with me all the time...In front of people she would show off how devoted I'm to her, if I buy her flowers and little gifts she would show them to everyone.. it used to boost her confidence. She was exactly the way you explaining your co- worker and I used to be like you quiet and timid and let her play with me.
    When we were still pretty close and going out she went out with another guy, got married, had kids but still would act with me in the same flirty manner and me an idiot was still waiting to hear from her whenever it suits her... after over 8 years like last year I finally confronted her for an explanation.. She said she knew my feelings for her but she can't give me anything return, honored to have someone who loves her so much... I got my answer, it's time to let it go and move on.People like these just want attention to boost their confidence, feeling loved when they ignored by boy friends/ husbands.. It is your responsibility to protect yourself from people like these. Please don't waste a decade like me on some unworthy woman, you already wasted like 2 years. I know how you feel, it's hard to move on or get distracted just try.. stay away from that woman and don't let her take advantage of your feelings for her. It is you who is hurting, she is going to choose and live whatever the life she wants and definitely your are not part of it, if you would have been the situation would have been different.
     
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  5. GeanD

    GeanD Active Member

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    I think I'm too much off a coward to actually go and ask her or confront her about it, scared of the answer she would give. I just don't understand why people would do that, to boost their own confidence by knowing how you feel for them, and abusing those feelings whilst knocking any confidence that I might have had, which wasn't exactly a lot to begin with. I can't imagine going through a situation like this for 8 years, 2 years has been painful enough. Maybe I would feel different if it was me who had started this whole situation, but she was the one who made all the firsts moves, whether it was talking to me, hugging me or being flirty or overly touchy towards me. It was her who wanted me to trust her and she would say things no one has ever said to me, and when it all started 2 years ago I initially thought these things weren't things that friends say to each other, but didn't question it.
    I just feel that she has caused all this hurt for me, but then she goes on to live her life and how nice that must be for her, to take no responsibility for how she has treated me and yet here I am feeling depressed most days. I never knew a single person could make you feel this way, how they can have such an impact on you that you think no one else ever will. I think its also hard for me because before I met her I was having a lot of trouble with who I am, and when it was a good time with her, it was the best and she made me forget all that but now, I'm hating it ever more so than before.
    I find it weird that no one else can or ever has affected it me like she has, people were just there to me, I didn't allow any kind of relationship with anyone. she can hurt me the most and yet make me feel the most. I've tried to stay away from her at work, to not be near her, and I think sometimes she realises this and that's when she'll come back and like an idiot I will put aside why I'm trying to stay away. She gave me hope, and yet maybe all I ever was to her was a confidence boost and a play thing for whenever she was bored.
     
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  6. deadpool900

    deadpool900 Member

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    No worries my friends. Everything's gonna to be just fine
     
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  7. deadpool900

    deadpool900 Member

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    Well. There is a lot of text. Let me check
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi GeanD:

    I hope this message finds you well and you are feeling better about things. I know you think what happened was a total waste, I assure you it is not. I have learned from all relationships I have had, including some really bad ones. You have to know that only miserable people go out of their way to feel their power and screw people over. I am sorry you were caught up in it. It takes a lot of energy to stay there in regret and takes even more to beat yourself up for "letting it happen". So, please give yourself a break, and know that life, can be, and is going to be a lot more than this experience. Please take care.
     
    #8
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