New to all of this at my age

Discussion in 'Advice on Meeting Women' started by AlliG, Jun 7, 2019.

  1. AlliG

    AlliG New Member

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    I am taking a chance on writing this, so nervous I could puke, even though I don’t know any of you personally. I ask that no one judge me, just help if you can. First off, I’m a 42 year old, with kids, and married, to a man. Yes, you read that right. My whole life I’ve always known I had more than normal feelings toward women. I’ve fantasized about being with women but only had one experience with a woman and another man together. All my relationships have failed, with the one I’m in now being the longest. Nothing has ever satisfied me, even down to sex because I’ve never had an organs by penetration. I’ve pushed my feelings toward women away, thinking marriage and kids were the right path. Now, at 42, I’ve joined a CrossFit gym and it’s all slapping me right in the face. My coach is a lesbian, and I have made two new lesbian friends. I’m so very happy when I’m around them, to the point I don’t want to even come home. I know I have a major crush on my coach, but she would never look at me the same way because I am married and have kids. I know it’s not just a simple crush, it’s almost like envy. She has the life I want so bad! She has no idea and I could never tell her because it would ruin our friendship. All that has happened to me since joining the gym is like a big red flag saying this is the life you want and long for. But I have no idea what to do. My husband repulses me and the thought of sex kills me. I do it out of obligation and stay because of the kids, but I’m absolutely the loneliest women I know. But I don’t know where to even begin with this. The feelings I’ve kept down are all on the surface and I don’t know what to do. It’s like I realize I’ve known all along who I really was but now am absolutely terrified of what that’s going to mean. Sorry for the length, but has anyone else experienced this or know someone who has?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hey, you are not alone. There have been many stories of women coming out long after they have gotten married to men, had kids because whatever they have pretended to be have run its course. For us, being attracted to women can have very negative consequences and living an authentic life is very difficult. It is no wonder many of us would attempt to stuff our feelings and try to be with a man. There are circumstances some would stay for the kids but if you don’t even want to go home and your husband repulses you then it is no good to anyone. What you feel can often be picked up by others, including your kids. Please don’t teach them a life of denials. Please go to get counseling and plan an exit strategy. This is already not sounding like it is tenable for you, then how can it be sustainable?

    Google “Lavender Visions”. It was started by a female psychologist who figured out she was gay while married with kids. They also have a forum and you can find many women there in the same situation. Good luck to you and your family. I will send good thoughts to you as you navigate this.
     
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  3. AlliG

    AlliG New Member

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    Thank you for the response and the suggestions on what to read!
     
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