New relationship, feel it could be so good but can it work? Need some outside views

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by fatflyhalf, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. fatflyhalf

    fatflyhalf New Member

    Oct 8, 2018
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    HI all, Im just looking for some advice on a new relationship that I really want to work but feel I need an unbiased view. Sorry it’s so long but please bear with me!

    I’ve recently started seeing this girl. She has had one previous very long term relationship (with a man) and I’ve had 2 significant long terms relationships (both of which I always knew weren’t right and not the ‘one’ but lacked the guts to get out) plus a few other shorter ones, all with women. I’m in my 40s and she is in her early 30s. I’d got to the point where I didn’t think i’d find anyone to spend my life with or i’d have to settle, and just find perhaps companionship .I’m not gifted with great looks but I’m a good person and as Ive got older ive become more self aware, and pretty sure I know where my faults lie and try to address them.

    I built up a great friendship with this girl over months and there was attraction there too. We flirted badly for a while until I asked her out, which was very brave for me! I have a real connection with her both physically and emotionally that ive never had before. Shes hinted that she feels theres something big there too but is self admittedly quite defensive and doesn’t allow people to get close. Ive tried not to get carried away but have fallen for her pretty hard, overlooking issues and bumps in the road that previously would have upset me.

    So going great for 6 weeks, then we have our first argument. Just over something little, ended up texting about it and it escalated, not terrible from my point of view. I always try not to get nasty or out of control in arguments, usually trying to put my side of why ive done or said something and trying to explain my thought processes, understand where the other person is coming from and always my goal is to sort out the problem. I will admit I struggle to leave these things, I cant just let it go if i’m accused or attacked as want to get it sorted there and then – I cant put it to one side, I cant go to bed on an argument I want it sorted, not least as I cant switch off from it and wont sleep! But once its sorted its sorted from my point of view, we learn from it and address any issues and carry on as before.

    However she took it very badly. She doesn’t think there should be any arguments at all. During our discussions she was insulting, contradictory and kept trying to shutdown me from putting my side, despite being allowed to put hers. It was very difficult at the time and despite managing to sort it without ending things she says she is very hurt, ive made her feel bad, and shes put up more defences. This is all over the act of actually arguing, neither of us had done anything bad. She then pretty much said we cannot argue again, she will end any conversations where she feels im arguing, though we did both agree to try and speak face to face or at least on the phone rather than text. She also revealed shes been snapshotting our discussions to friends to ask what they thought I was meaning and to get their view. Which all seem to be that I’m awful and she should get out!

    Unfortunately a few days later we had another argument. I did try not to bite at things and we spoke on the phone, in my opinion quite measured but she hung up on me. Again we just about managed to sort it face to face but she was very cold, said id put our relationship right back, she was hurt and fed up. She also revealed she was about to tell me she loved me but she didn’t feel that way now after arguing, which as you can imagine hurt a lot. Basically shes said shes back at the start of the relationship which leaves me overcommitted to someone who has made themselves pretty unavailable. On both occasions I felt like I had to make the case for continuing the relationship, I had to say sorry.

    I’m stuck. I really care about this girl and I think we could be great together. But in my opinion its totally unrealistic to expect never to argue. I feel stuck, I cant say if im upset as that counts as an argument, if she says ive upset her im not allowed to try and explain or justify as that’s starting an argument. Somehow im expected to change who I am and be able to rise above pointed comments and not try to sort them out before bedtime. And withdrawing your love every time you have words?

    I really don’t think shes a manipulative person, or playing games, that doesn’t seem to be her. She says she struggles to relate to peoples emotions sometimes and is defensive. I feel like I’m left with carrying on as we are with a massive imbalance between how we feel about each other and im at huge risk of getting hurt, or I try to withdraw from the relationship, put my own barriers up. But its only going to happen again, I’ll feel like one cross word and we have to start again.I want to learn to argue well together but she wont even entertain the concept that an argument can and most likely will happen.

    Is there any hope?
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I am more like you, I think. Whenever I have an argument, I wanted to get it over with. I don't want to get away to cool down or gain perspective, but I want to deal with it before the dreaded sundown. And of course, people like us always end up with people who are not like us. So while I was ready to settle something with cups of tea, my gf would get impatient or defensive and wanted to take a moment. Mind, she is a very patient person and had already put up with a lot of my "reasonings". And if I follow up with a text while she was away, I have just exponentially added to how annoying I could get.

    My gf and I are at a different stage than you with yours, we know where we stand with each other and it is a lot of hard work to work on our communications. Sometimes, things would come up, trivial or not and sometimes they are like a crack of thunder during a cloudless day.

    So, your date was showing screenshots of your conversations to friends, which, argh, I don't know how to feel about that. I do understand the need for venting. But if she is asking around for people's opinion, why not tell her to join you in couple's counseling? Maybe there is some better way just for your to communicate. Even if this is not for working out your relationship but to learn from it? I know you are just newly dating, but maybe someone guiding you on the divide would be good? I doubt you guys will go that route since this is a new relationship though.

    Also, I am not sure where her defensiveness comes from. There must be triggers in what you say to her that you don't mean at all. I think the important thing is, since you are already good friends to tell her she would never lose you as a friend. That she could tell you anything and you are not judging her. Tell her if this does not work out you would still want to know where it went wrong with both of you.

    I am sorry my thoughts are a bit meandering. I hope it helps some. Please take care.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    Okay -- a couple things....

    It's impossible never to argue in a good, solid, relationship....argue might be the wrong word, but definitely it's impossible never to have a disagreement. No two people can think 100% alike on 100% of things....if they say they are, they're being dishonest, either with their significant other or themselves. Disagreements/arguments happen and are inevitable -- what makes a relationship a strong one is how you handle the bumps in the road. For one, I'd never do something that I knew would be upsetting to my wife -- if there's even a hint of something that might upset her, we'll talk it through. We've known each other long enough that we can anticipate which issues may cause us stress -- (and usually these issues are extraneous, i.e. our respective families). If we cannot talk it through to avoid a disagreement, we manage to be respectful when we do (even when emotions get heated, there's a way to handle it that's not a personal attack) -- we have a promise that has withstood the test of time: we never go to bed angry at each other. If I do something stupid, I own it. She does the same.

    The bottom line is: communication. Texting can be interpreted all wrong -- the two of you need to sit down and talk -- good, bad, or ugly. And, contrary to what she's doing, communication should be a two way street. It doesn't even seem she wants to listen to your side of things, while instead she just wants to shut you down.

    Which also tells me -- if you're arguing this much only 6 weeks into a relationship, when it should be all rainbows and ponies, then maybe you ought to take a good hard look at whether she's the right one for you. Two big arguments in this period of time portends more issues later on within the relationship. Be objective. What are your realistic expectations for this relationship going forward? Are you okay with what you deem small arguments blowing up into World War 3?

    Your g/f sounds like she lacks a certain maturity level (and if there's a huge age difference, that might well be the case). I don't like the "I was going to tell you I love you...until we argued" if she really does love you, what should be a small argument shouldn't change how she feels. That reeks of being manipulative to me -- else why should she say it except to hurt you or make you feel guilty?

    Sitting here, behind a computer and not knowing you, I see a ton of red flags in your situation. I've been in relationships where I had an ex that would pick fights for whatever reason and for things over which I had absolutely zero control (i.e. once in a bar and a girl told her she thought I was hot....yet she got mad at me???!!) You have to ask yourself if you're okay with constantly walking on eggshells until the next big fight occurs...because it sounds like what you're doing with this one. If she's unwilling to compromise or understand your perspective when you have a disagreement, then I would expect more of these arguments. Healthy relationships generally are not one-sided (which it sounds like yours is).
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
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  4. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    People here are giving you great insight considering the limited information available. What I could add is this...

    A relationship takes effort so does good communication. I have the impression that both of you are at different stages in life, even thought you care for each other a lot, and being out of synch causes a lot difficulty in the relationship.

    You both have different styles of communication and ways to deal with an argument. I don't think that imposing one style over the other would make things better, but rather deteriorate the communication.

    You both need to find a mutual agreement on how to handle situations and conversations. Now, this only works if both of you are willing to work things out. Otherwise, one would have to give and change, concede, or give up.

    The thing is to figure out if you are willing to work things out with her, if you think it is worth the effort and time. However, you may also consider that working things out may mean to let her go, let her grow, and come back some other time.

    Good luck.
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