New relationship, feel it could be so good but can it work? Need some outside views

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by fatflyhalf, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. fatflyhalf

    fatflyhalf New Member

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    HI all, Im just looking for some advice on a new relationship that I really want to work but feel I need an unbiased view.

    I’ve recently started seeing this girl. She has had one previous very long term relationship and I’ve had a few significant long terms relationships. I’m in my 40s and she is in her early 30s. Everything was going great until we started arguing. The arguements are fierce and take time to get over. What are good ways to argue and get over arguements?
     
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    Last edited: Jan 19, 2019
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am more like you, I think. Whenever I have an argument, I wanted to get it over with. I don't want to get away to cool down or gain perspective, but I want to deal with it before the dreaded sundown. And of course, people like us always end up with people who are not like us. So while I was ready to settle something with cups of tea, my gf would get impatient or defensive and wanted to take a moment. Mind, she is a very patient person and had already put up with a lot of my "reasonings". And if I follow up with a text while she was away, I have just exponentially added to how annoying I could get.

    My gf and I are at a different stage than you with yours, we know where we stand with each other and it is a lot of hard work to work on our communications. Sometimes, things would come up, trivial or not and sometimes they are like a crack of thunder during a cloudless day.

    So, your date was showing screenshots of your conversations to friends, which, argh, I don't know how to feel about that. I do understand the need for venting. But if she is asking around for people's opinion, why not tell her to join you in couple's counseling? Maybe there is some better way just for your to communicate. Even if this is not for working out your relationship but to learn from it? I know you are just newly dating, but maybe someone guiding you on the divide would be good? I doubt you guys will go that route since this is a new relationship though.

    Also, I am not sure where her defensiveness comes from. There must be triggers in what you say to her that you don't mean at all. I think the important thing is, since you are already good friends to tell her she would never lose you as a friend. That she could tell you anything and you are not judging her. Tell her if this does not work out you would still want to know where it went wrong with both of you.

    I am sorry my thoughts are a bit meandering. I hope it helps some. Please take care.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Okay -- a couple things....

    It's impossible never to argue in a good, solid, relationship....argue might be the wrong word, but definitely it's impossible never to have a disagreement. No two people can think 100% alike on 100% of things....if they say they are, they're being dishonest, either with their significant other or themselves. Disagreements/arguments happen and are inevitable -- what makes a relationship a strong one is how you handle the bumps in the road. For one, I'd never do something that I knew would be upsetting to my wife -- if there's even a hint of something that might upset her, we'll talk it through. We've known each other long enough that we can anticipate which issues may cause us stress -- (and usually these issues are extraneous, i.e. our respective families). If we cannot talk it through to avoid a disagreement, we manage to be respectful when we do (even when emotions get heated, there's a way to handle it that's not a personal attack) -- we have a promise that has withstood the test of time: we never go to bed angry at each other. If I do something stupid, I own it. She does the same.

    The bottom line is: communication. Texting can be interpreted all wrong -- the two of you need to sit down and talk -- good, bad, or ugly. And, contrary to what she's doing, communication should be a two way street. It doesn't even seem she wants to listen to your side of things, while instead she just wants to shut you down.

    Which also tells me -- if you're arguing this much only 6 weeks into a relationship, when it should be all rainbows and ponies, then maybe you ought to take a good hard look at whether she's the right one for you. Two big arguments in this period of time portends more issues later on within the relationship. Be objective. What are your realistic expectations for this relationship going forward? Are you okay with what you deem small arguments blowing up into World War 3?

    Your g/f sounds like she lacks a certain maturity level (and if there's a huge age difference, that might well be the case). I don't like the "I was going to tell you I love you...until we argued" bullshit..as if she really does love you, what should be a small argument shouldn't change how she feels. That reeks of being manipulative to me -- else why should she say it except to hurt you or make you feel guilty?

    Sitting here, behind a computer and not knowing you, I see a ton of red flags in your situation. I've been in relationships where I had an ex that would pick fights for whatever reason and for things over which I had absolutely zero control (i.e. once in a bar and a girl told her she thought I was hot....yet she got mad at me???!!) You have to ask yourself if you're okay with constantly walking on eggshells until the next big fight occurs...because it sounds like what you're doing with this one. If she's unwilling to compromise or understand your perspective when you have a disagreement, then I would expect more of these arguments. Healthy relationships generally are not one-sided (which it sounds like yours is).
     
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    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
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  4. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    People here are giving you great insight considering the limited information available. What I could add is this...

    A relationship takes effort so does good communication. I have the impression that both of you are at different stages in life, even thought you care for each other a lot, and being out of synch causes a lot difficulty in the relationship.

    You both have different styles of communication and ways to deal with an argument. I don't think that imposing one style over the other would make things better, but rather deteriorate the communication.

    You both need to find a mutual agreement on how to handle situations and conversations. Now, this only works if both of you are willing to work things out. Otherwise, one would have to give and change, concede, or give up.

    The thing is to figure out if you are willing to work things out with her, if you think it is worth the effort and time. However, you may also consider that working things out may mean to let her go, let her grow, and come back some other time.

    Good luck.
     
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  5. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I've been with my wife 9+ years, and we argue.

    We've gotten better at it, and at disagreeing productively and kindly, and listening, and all the sh*t that takes you from argument to discussion to resolution. We're actually talking about seeing a couple's counselor to address the one bad habit we haven't processed our way out of.

    But I think that any two humans are going to disagree from time to time. And any two humans are going to, sometimes, hurt each other's feelings or make a mistake or get defensive. The conversation to have with this woman is more "Okay, so I get that this kind of conflict makes you really anxious and unhappy. We are going to disagree sometimes, though. Can we make a game plan for how we will hear each other and resolve disagreements?" If she doesn't want to make that plan - at a time that is safe, and calm, and non-confrontational - then she is living a fairy story and I don't see a lot of hope.

    I also feel pretty uncomfortable that she informed you of and withheld that "I love you" over this. I don't think she was trying to be manipulative consciously, but that suggests to me that she's trying to lay out an "this makes me so unhappy it can never happen, relationship is on the line, my way or the highway" deal. Again, probably not on purpose - but people can learn highly effective manipulation strategies rooted in real anxiety and overwhelm. That it freaks her out doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be heard or that you never need to disagree; it means she has to learn how to sometimes be uncomfortable and learn that disagreement isn't the same as breaking up.

    (Also, I have definitely had an argument or two six weeks into a relationship and had it go on to be great, including my current one! So I don't think a little friction in the first few months is a red flag by itself.)
     
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