New here and still in the closet

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by peaceofmind, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. peaceofmind

    peaceofmind New Member

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    To start this off I am in my mid twenties and obviously still in the closet and this is why I am posting. It's also my first time posting here but I have been an occasional reader for a couple of years off and on.

    I have dated men but always felt a pull toward women. I am pretty sure that I am gay but I haven't had sex with a women before. I've kissed a couple of girls when I was just a kid but other than that I am pretty inexperienced with women. I have always felt like I shouldn't come out until I know for sure, meaning after I have been with a woman or until I find a girl friend. Being in the closet doesn't make this easy.

    But it seems like people are constantly bringing up that they know someone who is lesbian around me, some showing that they're accepting which is really nice. This has been happening a lot more often within the last couple of weeks. It actually happened twice yesterday, once at work (by an women in her 80's and then my aunt that evening, am I that obvious? lol)

    One time it wasn't the most accepting. Just the other day my mother was talking about a women she went to school with who she just reconnected with on facebook and how she thought she was lesbian now. My sister goes, what if one of us was lesbian. and my mom said she would be a little sad about the prejudice we might receive from others. My sister then said you mean you would still love them?! I didn't really like the tone she said that in, she sounded surprised. We're raised christian but we go to a nice church I've never heard any homophobia there but my sister seems to with that and she is kind of an up tight too. Most of me does not care what she thinks about it. I once heard her say "ewww" when two girls kissed on tv.

    I know it could be worse and coming out will probably go smoothly for the most part. The situation with my aunt and my mom was of love and acceptance. I think my other sibling wouldn't have a problem with it either. I think the hardest part would be coming out at work actually and to my grandparents and best friends that are females because I don't want them to over analyze all our past times.

    I guess what I am getting at here is that I am not really that afraid of coming out to my family and I just want to be 100% sure that this is what I want before I do.

    I haven't made a new years resolution yet and I was thinking that maybe this could be it, come out in the year of 2015. I would love to have support from a community on here and to meet some gay friends because I have none.

    I actually have a little crush on a girl right now, I am going to try to pursue that but right now I cannot because she is currently a client through my work. I see her a few times a week and we always laugh and have a lot in common. I am pretty sure she likes women. I just feel like I should have an experience that makes me feel concrete about this, is that even necessary? I don't feel like it's an excuse but maybe it is... What do you all think, did anyone else feel the need to wait too?
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't think you have to be with someone to know you are gay. I also don't think that things have to be so black and white. You can come out as 'questioning' - that you might like girls, but you aren't sure what it all means. It sounds like your mom would be supportive of you.

    Once you have come out to a few close people as - questioning, it makes things a little easier. If you meet someone nice and they ask if you are out, you can honestly answer 'well, my mom knows I like girls and was very cool.'

    There are different levels of being out. You don't have to tell the whole world. I'm a tell the world type. I have friends who only tell a handful of people - like their families, but maybe not grandparents or boss. I'm in New England, where it is awesome and easy to be out. But other people are in different situations.

    Best of luck to you and welcome to AE.
     
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    Spygirl likes this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Newsflash -- for a lot of us...even though coming out is really kind of stressful and we agonize over it...and we worry about what our parents, siblings, friends, employers, colleagues may think...often to those closest to us, our coming out isn't a surprise. Yeah, my mom freaked..but in retrospect, she admitted that she wasn't surprised at all -- she was just not ready to accept it, and thus, she freaked out.

    Being gay isn't about the person whom you date or with whom you have sex. I knew I was gay before I was ever intimate with a woman -- I just chose to avoid, deny, and attempt to make it go away. If you're having these feelings and questioning, then it would seem to me that you're not straight. Most straight women don't agonize over stuff like this.

    The work client -- don't go there. It could backfire and harm you professionally. That's not to say you shouldn't find and/or date a woman you like.
     
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    Bluenote likes this.
  4. CherryBerry

    CherryBerry Member

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    Hello! I'm new here too - and also completely, utterly in the closet. It's stuffy in here, huh?! :p I've found it really helpful talking to people here and I hope you do too!

    Great advice above! What I'm going to add is this: You never hear straight people saying "I've never been with a man/woman so I can't actually confirm that I'm straight yet"! It's not like being a vegetarian - y'now, you have to do it to be it. It's about who you are attracted to, whether you act on it or not.

    Best of luck with everything.
     
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  5. peaceofmind

    peaceofmind New Member

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    thanks everyone. I get what you mean, my straight friends didn't have to sleep with the same sex to confirm or deny anything. It is true that I know who I am and who I am attracted to. I just need to accept and slowly address it with my closest friends and family.

    The work situation actually wouldn't be a big problem, I dated someone like 8 months ago and everyone was aware of it. It was just known that I wasn't allowed to until he was no longer a client. She will be done in a few weeks. My co worker even suggested that we continue to hang out since we have so much in common and I don't have many friends who like the same sport as us. So it really wouldn't be frowned upon if we started hanging out. One of my coworkers met her current husband like 15 years ago because he was a client with us, he asked her out on his last day working with us.
     
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