Never thought I'd be confused.

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by NewEyes, Oct 18, 2015.

  1. NewEyes

    NewEyes Member

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    Im not sure where to start. I've known this woman for 10 months. We have become really close, and she knows that I find her attractive. Three months into our friendship, I told her I needed time from her because of my feelings; that I was crushing on her. I didn't feel that it was okay because she identifies at straight. And so many here probably know the downside of that...

    She seemed disappointed, but understood. A few days later, she hit me up and said that she enjoys talking to me and that I shouldn't disappear. So, we've texted every day since.

    We used to text 12hrs a day. That's not exaggeration. She would send me good morning texts, and then text me whenever she could while at work, and late into the night. She would stay up late just to continue a good conversation. We had deep conversations, and we joked a lot. A great friendship formed. We do hang out, but always with other people. One night, surprisingly, she called me. It's surprising that she called because she's always with people or busy. Texting is easier for both of us. Anyway. I asked her why she decided to call. She said she didn't know. We had an 1 1/2 hr long conversation. A couple moments of silence and a few details made me think something more of the conversation. I had expressed my thoughts about humans being beautiful pieces of art in motion. She got quiet for a couple of seconds, and then she said, "oh you"... I asked her what she meant and she said, "idk". Then she said she should probably go, but spoke to me 30min more.

    That was the turning point. After that night, she backed off. She constantly takes on new responsibility at work, and I get that she is genuinely busy. However, when she gets home, she says goodnight to me. The nights where we stay up late to text are extremely rare. I joke with her some nights and say, "Am I allowed in the house tonight or no?" She always tells me she has work to do, and that she will text me the next day. We do text every day, still, but the length/rate is significantly less. But here's the thing: she flirts with me.

    I'm not sure if she's just a flirty person or is too nice, but it happens. She also says things that will let me know that she goes out of her way to talk to me or hang out with me. "I got off of work early so that we could hang out." "I talk to you more than any of my other friends."

    The other night, we got into a bit of an argument. The next day she told me she couldn't sleep and felt down all day. We made up, and, on the phone, i kept mentioning how hot my room was because I had my heater on. "Man, I'm really hot, I need to open my window." She followed up with, "You ARE hot. (Pause) you should open the window."
    It was like after the pause, because I didn't say anything, she felt the need to cover it up.

    Now what makes me super confused: she says she's straight but finds women genuinely attractive. Then, she told me once that she wouldn't date a woman because she's not into them like that. Then, she comes off as emotionally attached and flirts.

    She gets upset if I tell her I'm going to hang with someone else or if I even say it's cool if she'd prefer to hang out with other good friends without me. She questions if the person I am hanging with is an "interest". Idk

    Maybe I'm an idiot. Any useful thoughts or advice? I don't think if I expressed my confusion to her, it would do anything but cause her to back off more. Sorry if I'm not detailed enough or am missing something. I haven't slept much lately. Thanks.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You were right to set some boundaries when you started to have feelings towards her. She wants you emotionally, as in an intense friendship but does not want to be with you any other way. She feels that as long as she tells you she is not into women then all her flirts were just jokes and she feels, and wrongly so, that you should understand that.

    When you talked on a voice call, she realized that it was too close for comfort. She could be in denial, but if she is really into you she would want to see you and hear from you and spend true alone time with you in person. Right now, what you have is an intense friendship with jealousy and it bothers you enough to post here, then you know something's off.

    I would back off and do other things and not let her consume your time and energy. You can use that time to find a mate. If she gets flirty and jealous deal with it as it comes up and try to make her understand it is not appropriate. One line I would use in that situation is, "Don't flirt unless you mean it." If she insists then tell her it is not polite to flirt with someone who is into her when she cannot reciprocate your feelings.

    12 hours of texting, oh my, it doesn't sound healthy by any stretch of the imagination.
     
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    Last edited: Oct 18, 2015
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  3. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Boundries should be your key word.The reality is that the flirting and attention will keep reeling you in.She's discreetly told you she doesn't swing both ways and leave it at that before you get hurt!Greylin has said it as it really is.She means well...
     
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  4. NewEyes

    NewEyes Member

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    Thanks to the both of you. Greylin, especially.

    I am definitely going to follow your advice when she flirts. I think it needs to be addressed. Anytime she flirts, I don't say anything. Which probably isn't a good thing. If she's getting the idea that I appreciate it... I don't.

    As for wanting time alone, it's just really hard. We're both on sports teams, work full time, (she's in a pretty high position working for a production studio), and so anytime we hang out, she initiates it, but we always invite others because we both feel it's important to nurture our friendships. She recently took a trip to the East Coast and tried hard to convince me to go with so we could hang. She was doing some work at an event, and she said she was hopeful that I'd surprise her and show up. "I literally looked around for you all weekend. I really wanted you to come." I told her that I thought about it, but I had to prioritize responsibilities. She then proceeded to say, "I would've been able to get you a room with so&so, or so&so..... I would let you stay with me but.... I don't want you to see me without my makeup." But the way she said it, it was like she was trying to see how I'd react to her not offering to let me stay with her although she begged me to come with her. ? Haha

    I've had close female friendships before, but not quite like this. May I ask why texting 12hrs a day is unhealthy? It was all positive interaction where we were getting to know each other.

    Your advice and words are appreciated. I don't want to lose her friendship. I enjoy her immensely. I only want it to be a healthy friendship where no one is getting their feelings hurt. Ive been in this position where I could possibly hurt her feelings due to not being aware of how to handle the situation.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    One big thing I think of physically is the eye strain texting can cause. It is close up work sort of like needle point and reading small print. The other, simply is the time you are investing into this. If the whole thing brings you joy, and this is all you want from a woman and it is not affecting you physically, then go to town. However, if you want a balanced day of activities and a woman by your side who adores you, then 12 hours of this can really get in the way. When would you work and sleep if half of the day is taken by texting? I am glad that your texting is all positive. If you are unhappy about some things a friend does, it is ok for you to let her know gently. If she is a true friend she will support you. She should also support you in having a dating life and not monopolize you. Some things she does shows that she is trying to be careful not to cross the line and not to offend. The makeup excuse is one of them. She does seem to want to hang out with you but not invite you to her bed. At the same time she did not want you to feel icky by saying bluntly, "Come over but we can't room together."

    Suppose you could ask her to be your matchmaker or wing woman and you guys can look for women together?
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that she is bi or gay and not ready to deal with it. I think that sexuality aside, she is a bit manipulative.

    I think that something clicked for her when she was talking about appreciating the female body like appreciating art work. Like when she said it out loud that she realized that sounds pretty gay and maybe isn't something that a straight woman would feel. At least, not the way that she feels it.

    But she backed off. Because she is in denial - to you, but more importantly, to herself. Coming out is still a big deal and she doesn't sound ready to do it any time soon.

    She also sounds somewhat manipulative. Flirting with you. Saying things like 'I kept looking for you to come to the East Coast all weekend.' Getting jealous when you spend time with other people. She wants you, but she doesn't, she wants you to be emotionally available, but she isn't willing (or able?) to make the same kind of commitment. You tell her that you need space and she isn't willing to honor that (red flag, btw). She flirts, but "isn't gay." She makes a big point of telling you how she is sad without you, but then gives you the cold-ish shoulder without explanation.

    It is easy to make excuses 'well, if she were comfortable with her sexuality, she wouldn't give mixed messages anymore.' But look - you are 29. I am assuming she is a similar age. By 29 you should know that it is not cool to lead people on, it is not cool to ignore boundaries (I need space) and it is not cool to flirt with people and then shut them down. And what she is doing is beyond mixed messages, she is trying to provoke certain reactions or behaviors in you (red flag #2. She already knows that you like her, why does she have to keep pushing?)

    For the sake of argument, lets say she were to suddenly come out (which she won't, but just stay with me here). Well, guess what, she would still be somewhat manipulative. She would still be the same person, with the same tendency to ignore your boundaries and to try and provoke reactions out of you, rather than facing things honestly, or "owning her feelings." Sure, the topic would be different - she would be dropping hints that you should buy her gifts, take out the trash, ditch friends to see her. Or she would be ignoring your boundaries about time together, family stuff, whatever. But her mo would be the same. She would be hinting around that you should take hard steps, when she herself is unable / unwilling to take them.

    You have kind of gotten sucked into wanting her. But is she really worth wanting? I mean, do you really want to wind up with someone who 1) ignores your boundaries 2) manipulates you 3) can't be honest about their own feelings 4) leaves you feeling confused a lot. (and isn't out, btw).

    Yeah, wanting women can be hot. And chasing women can be hot. But there is fun sexy chasing women who are available and not trainwrecks. Then there is dysfunctional chasing women who treat you poorly. This is the latter.

    Walk away from this trainwreck. Tell her you need space - and stick to it. No 12 hours of texting. No flirting. No letting her walk all over you.

    Then go find a nice, available, gay, not trainwreck-y woman whom you can chase in the fun sexy kind of way.
     
    #6
  7. NewEyes

    NewEyes Member

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    Haha thank you both for the words of advice.

    I am certainly taking it in, and I'll make sure I have a talk with her. During the conversation where I expressed humans as art in motion, she asked me randomly, "so are you dominant or submissive?" I forgot about that till I read one of the responses tonight. I thought it was so weird to ask that.

    Here's the thing... I don't want her as a partner or even just for sex. I like the friendship we have formed. So much, actually, I prefer a profound, healthy friendship over anything else. She's actually really awesome. Besides hitting me up a few days after my initial request for space, she has respected any and all wishes. For instance when I do need to get work done, workout, etc. Her actions do come off as manipulative now that I think about it. However, could this stem from her own confusion?

    I do think her mixed messages need to stop, and I plan on addressing them with her as gently as I can. I also think you're right, Greylin, about what you said regarding the whole make up comment being an excuse. I do think she wants to keep boundaries up, but the real why might never be answered. Does she want to keep boundaries because she doesn't want me like that; she only wants to flirt and have an emotional need met? Or, is she afraid of what it might lead to, if I were to spend the night; a scenario she's not ready to contemplate? One of my good friends has seen us interact. I didn't think anything of our interaction. We laugh a lot and she teases me sometimes, but my friend (as we were walking home) randomly said, "that girl is definitely riding your jock". I asked a really analytical friend of mine what she thought. She said that she thinks this straight woman likes me, but forever reason can't or won't go for it and that I shouldn't get wrapped up in it; or go for it and see what happens. I refuse to go for it. Lol

    Well. Tomorrow, I'll talk to her about everything. I'll probably mention the way it seems manipulative as well. She's a kind-hearted person, and I don't think she's doing anything to be malicious. Then again, you never know...

    Thank you both!
    (And yes, she's my age.)
     
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  8. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    I believe that the woman has probably fallen for you.Her body is reacting and doesn't want to share a room because her feelings maybe confusing her.I may be wrong but one of your friends is right.Now if this girl is fully aware of your sexual orientation,then have the 'TALK' and tell her to avoid suggestive comments that are leading nowhere.Without so much as disclosing how you feel,tell her that you don't want to spoil your friendship.Its time to FRIENDZONE and still enjoy the benefits.Once you talk,her reaction will show you her true feelings.IF she truly is into you,you will see that she is desperate to be with you and if not,she will avoid suggestive remarks and maintain a healthy distance.
     
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  9. NewEyes

    NewEyes Member

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    Thanks :)

    hopefully, it will lead to understanding and a greater appreciation of each other.
     
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