Never having another one night stand...

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Cricket, Nov 9, 2014.

  1. Cricket

    Cricket Well-Known Member

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    I am not really looking for advice...just venting. I can not handle the emotional backlash of this. I hate pretending I don't care about her and I hate that she doesn't care about me. I hate that we are friends on facebook but I have to monitor what I like and respond to so that I don't seem creepy, needy, clingy. I hate that she won't text me and I hate that I can't text her. Never. Ever. Again. Ladies, don't do it if you fall in love easily, become emotionally attached easily, or have any sort of feelings whatsoever. Never again.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Besides finding FB inherently a chore and does not add anything meaningful to my socialization, I completely understand what you are venting about. I don't think I can bed someone without being in love and in need of being with the person henceforth. I had thought about it, and had "relationships", that ended up that way, but egads, I sure make a bad one night stander.

    I am sorry it went that way. Do you think if she had felt the same way she would be in the same boat as you? Do you think you could approach her for something "casual" again?
     
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  3. Cricket

    Cricket Well-Known Member

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    We have planned another casual rendezvous sometime in the Spring. I am already regretting this, but I want to see her again. We don't live any where near each other and it is just coincidence that I will be in her part of the country. Even if she did have any regrets or feelings for me, which I highly doubt, our lives are so different that it could never work.
     
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  4. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Maybe you want to rethink that plan. Are you sure you are not going to be more devastated after the next time?

    I understand your frustration but I wasn't clear on your post if you mutually decided not to pursue anything beyond what happened? Or were you only thinking she doesn't care because it seemed that way? Did she actually tell you she only want to be friends? It sounded to me that you don't really know what she feels and since she doesn't show she cares then she must not care. And why would you say it would never work?

    I know you said you're not asking for advice but I just know people can sometimes be really good in not showing what they feel because they don't understand what they should really feel which then leads to a whole lot of misunderstandings. Could that be the case here?
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    This is all on you now -- you're setting up another rendezvous for what exactly? She thinks it's a fun fling and it seems that you're secretly holding out hope that she changes her mind and sees something in you and wants more than a one night stand. So, you're willing to torture yourself even more by putting yourself back into the kind of predicament that got you into this mess? You're also willing to be a bit on the dishonest side because she thinks this is just a fun hookup while you're attaching more significance to it.

    There was once a time when I equated sex with love. Then I realized it doesn't have to be that way...that sex and love can be mutually exclusive. And if two consenting adults are on the same page about expectations, there's no shame in having fun. Not to say that I'm cavalier about sex...I'm not. It's just that I've had a one night stand failure (I was in the position of the girl after whom you are lusting). That's not to say I didn't care about people but this happened during a specific time where I had recently been dumped by someone I thought was "the one" and my heart was nowhere near in a place to handle any kind of emotional intimacy from anyone. One night I was out with friends, and I happened to meet someone and there was an instant attraction and things happened -- although beforehand I was explicit and honest about my expectations and I told her in no uncertain terms that that if she hoped anything more would come of the situation that I was so not in that place and that we shouldn't even remotely play around. Well, this led to difficult conversations later because although she told me one thing, in the aftermath of it all, her actions said another (showing up at my apartment, hello? wanting to talk about trying for a relationship...). Then I was left in the position of having to hurt her feelings when I told her that I couldn't offer her what she wanted from me. Ultimately, I told her that we were done because I couldn't shake the feeling that anytime she'd hang out with me..even if she told me she was okay with the situation, I'd have it in the back of my head that she might be expecting more.

    Do yourself a favor. If you cannot handle sex without the love or even emotional aspect of it, break things off now. You've admitted it could never work with her but yet you're willing to see her again to your own detriment. Be honest with yourself about what you're doing and recognize that you're not only setting yourself up to continue on this path of wanting more but you're also putting her in an unfair position.
     
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  6. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    hmmm I totally understand how you feel, it's really annoying my case would be a little bit different but heart broken is still a heart broken. I know you're not looking for advice... well since thats what you stated but I wish you a very good luck :) xx
     
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  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, first time meetings should never be held in private. And, especially should never be in someone's home. I had a great date once that ended with the two of us going to her place. We didn't spend the night, but did get intimate. Afterwards, I found out that even though she was just as attracted to me as I was to her, she wanted me to be one of the many women she dated. She was into playing the field, and I wasn't. If I had known that I never would have met her in the first place, and never, ever would have gone home with her. I was more mad then hurt, so it didn't take long to get over it, but that was a lesson never to repeat the experience again.

    Get to know someone during the day in a manner that won't lead to hooking up. If there's no interest, things will end before you get emotionally attached. If the interest in mutual, go on at least three dates to get to know her and what she's looking for before jumping between the sheets with her. In the end, one night stands just make you feel bad about yourself and dating in general. Take your time.
     
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  8. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Its great to get into that mental understanding of sex and love as two different things. Of course, sometimes being too-good at sex, can make someone WANT more than you want to give. More than a few times I had to break things off when I was not emotionally accepting a relationship - for the same reason you did yourself. Took me years to get to that place after a broken heart, gained a GF weeks after that before realizing I didn't care about her and she right back... so I wouldn't date those who WANTED a relationship. And had to let go of those who wanted more than FWB. I would literally find a woman VERY attractive/ GF material / intelligent / interesting... and available and say "I'd love to date you, but I'm not ready for relationships and you're not interested in just sex." - and simply be friends at the most.

    Eventually, I sorted out the broken heart... with the casual sex and social experience as I was would talk to the person outside of sex... I was figuring out *what* I was generally wanting in a serious relationship. That took almost a year of dating for relationship while also casual sex. I actually didn't have sex with some of my dates - when I easily could and did laid when wanted. Go to any gay/lesbian or even straight club... and with skill and self esteem as well as *not carrying if you are rejected*, anyone can get a one-night-stand.

    But even those are into One-nighters / causal sex are humans, have feelings and do yearn for actual love. It can get to the point of crying after empty sex. When you meet that person (and not out of desperation) - you grab on and don't let go (but not stalker / red-flag type). Be honest as possible is the best in my opinion.

    We don't have as much SEX as we'd like - schedule, life, family, work, sleeping schedule, etc - but the love is top notch... and even just going to sleep naked or semi-naked and holding hands and/or cuddling is worth more than any one-night-stand.
     
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  9. Thatbeautifulartist

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    I know how this feels. Recently I've learned how to not let my emotions effect it. Especially if the girl how zero qualities I like in a relationship.
     
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