Need your help: I'm in a relationship with a girl who has a boyfriend and kids

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by dopeydoormat, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. dopeydoormat

    dopeydoormat New Member

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    I know the whole situation seems fucked to sum it up. I'll try to tell my story and hopefully I get enlightened along the way. And no, this isn't about polyamory.

    I met this girl on a dating site. Our conversations were light, funny, and I immediately felt that there was an unmistakable connection. Like the air radiated between us--an instant attraction. I knew at the get go that she was something special, that there was something more to explore with this budding romance that was full of coincidences. Our names. Our birth dates. Our hate for certain things. Our passions. Music. Everything. It was too cosmic.

    In fact, there was an earthquake right after we introduced ourselves to each other. I am not shitting you. The earth moved.

    She did put a warning out there that she can't do relationships because she was already in one and that her situation was hard to explain. I did tread on the fine lines of caution around that revelation. As a quick reply, I told her that she can't fall in love with me because that would be disastrous and that I'm really easy to love. I said that as a joke, really.

    I tried so hard to respect her wishes--something I did for the first few weeks. But it was hard to ignore the obvious that I was falling hard and fast for this awesome woman. And then she admitted that she was... is... in a long-term relationship and lives with her boyfriend and that they have children. (Hence, the title)
    Obviously, that made my head spin faster than the tires on a formula one race car. It felt like I was Carrie but instead of hogs' blood, I got dumped with cold shit. Like, seriously.

    My headed pounded faster than my heart. But I kept talking to her. In fact, we met up a couple of times for coffee and drinks. It was undeniable how we hit it off even with that angry monkey on both our backs. (Also, she was pretty upfront when it came to flirting with me)

    It felt like every star and planet in the solar system aligned themselves just for us to finally meet. I was, am, in love. I tried to fight it but every moment away from her ate up my core. We kept telling each other how much we miss each other even though we've just talked a couple of hours before. And I knew that we kept using the word "miss" but we really meant "love."

    It came to a point that I had to take a chance at telling her how I really felt. I knew deep inside, she felt the same way. One night, I took whatever courage I had and asked her out on a proper date like with food and drinks. She said yes and immediately I started writing down what I wanted to tell her 'cos I knew that I'd probably forget half of what I intended to say out of cowardice or intoxication.

    Anyway, it happened. I told her that even with her situation and all, I couldn't deny the fact that I am in love with her... that I love her. I didn't expect that she would repeat the same words back to me--that she loves me too and that she's known it for a while but she was scared that I didn't feel the same way towards her.

    Yay, relief!

    So now, we're in a relationship. She's actually my girlfriend. Best kisser. Best. Sex. Ever.

    But somehow I can't shake the feeling that everything might crumble in a blink of an eye. That I will constantly have to fight with the feeling of loneliness because we can't be together-together. (We have to schedule everything lest her boyfriend finds out and shit hits the fan). And the fact that I'm shit-scared of how it will affect her kids.

    I know that I can provide for her needs but I can't provide a stable, normal, stereotypical family life for her and her children. And I totally want to rescue her from her shit-ass mentally abusive relationship which could only be defined in two words: Stockholm Syndrome. I won't go into details.

    She's mentioned to me about her 5-year plan on how she's working on getting her shit together, getting a job and all (her boyfriend told her not to work). She's also thinking about breaking up with him (she's seriously refused multiple marriage proposals from him over the span of a decade).

    I don't know what to do. I know that I'm a patient person and I've waited far and long for someone like her but to wait for 10 years before we could actually come out as a real couple is hard. Somewhere along the way, I'd want her to live with me, like what any decent u-hauling lesbian would do. Or travel together. Or go out at any time or day without her having to sneak behind him or ask his permission. (Seriously, she can't even go to the store without his approval... or even to bring their kids out without him knowing.)

    What I know is that I really do love her, more than anyone I've ever loved and that she loves me at the same level too. And I know I could wait.

    10 years-- til all her kids are in college.

    Shit, this is going to be a long ride.

    P.S. We live in a country that does not recognize common-law partnerships... I'm not in a legal shithole, per se, and neither is she.
     
    #1
  2. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    Oh honey, you are being taken for a ride. This woman doesn't want a relationship with you. She wants a girl on the side. As in on the side of her heteronormal relationship with a man. She's probably lying about her man abusing her so you will feel sorry for her and still want to be with her.

    Do you really want to be with a woman who has a five year plan to leave a man she says is abusing her? No, seriously, stop and think. You will be put through hell not being able to have her or help her. Ask yourself if you would still be in love with her if she were unattractive to you. I'm willing to bet you fell for her photo first, which is the only reason you agreed to date a woman who said she was already love with someone else.

    And, while we're on the subject, why on earth would you think everything would work out in your favor with a woman who is in love with someone but has a profile on a dating website? Do you honestly think she's being faithful to you if she isn't being faithful to a man she's been in a 10 year relationship with? If she honestly loves the guy, and he's honestly abusing her, she's messed up and needs help. Unless you can offer her that help you need to get out now.

    Next time, only respond to single woman, regardless of how beautiful you think they are.
     
    #2
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  3. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Eloise. This sounds like one big lie after another!

    It is extremely uncomfortable for me to suggest that the woman is lying about abuse, BUT it is possible that she is telling you this, even in great Stockholm-Syndrome-detail in order to gain your sympathy and to cover the fact that she can't be available to you because she actually is maintaining two relationships. One is primary (the boyfriend) and one is secondary (You). I can tell you this, having worked with many abused women and children, Most women would be TOO damn scared to be trying to meet a woman online. They are so fearful trying to justify a secret call to their mom or sister that they would never ever risk having an actual affair. They get accused of it all the time when they really are just going to the grocery store! And they are so busy with self-preservation, protecting their kids, and dancing around their abuser's crazy behaviors, that they could never find the time, energy, or self-esteem to sneak off and have hot sex with a stranger they met online. Seriously, their lives and livelihoods are at stake.

    It is irrelevant though, really, for you, whether she is being abused or not. She is a grown woman with children and you can't rescue her. She has to make that choice for herself and her kids (who are experiencing at the very least secondary abuse if what she is telling you is true. That is a Fact; children are traumatized by watching a parent be abused. Are you ok with that choice?). You can point out resources for her. But, if she is being abused, is a 5-10 year plan to "escape" that life ok with you? This is a classic excuse that someone ( i.e. her) would use to justify an affair with someone (like you) who wouldn't normally go for someone (like her) who is in a long-term relationship with children.

    The point is: she is not available. And she is not going to be available any time soon. She is telling you that to your face. Do you really want to wait 5-10 years for a big MAYBE? How about you let her know she can call you when she is safely out of the relationship and available? If you haven't already moved on (in 5-10 years?), maybe you would be available to meet up with her? Then, stop the booty calls, until then, if you are serious about a real relationship.
    Also, do you really want to get caught with the partner of a truly abusive man...I mean, that is dangerous-make-the-front-page-paper-get-an-episode-on-the-ID-Channel-stuff...you deserve better than that kind of ending for yourself! Because if he is abusive, he is capable of all the GPS, tracking,filming, etc stuff that abusive/stalking partners do these days. Trust me: You Will Get Caught!

    And what if he isn't abusive really? What if he is loyal and kind, and believes she is going out for groceries when he is home watching the kids? are you ok with being part of that? OR, what if he knows about her online meet ups, and approves, and she is going home and sharing the details of her hot intimate moments with you? are you ok with that? The truth is: You really don't know what her other life is like. You only know what she is telling you to keep you coming back. What we do know for sure is that she is lying - to Him, or You, or Both...whatever her motivations are.

    And, do yourself a sincere favor: please don't fall for the Best.Sex.Ever. trap! There is LOTS of best sex to be had by all! It is human behavior and chemistry. It is great! feels great! I get it! It's supposed to!!!
    But don't settle for a less-than relationship (with a sad, possibly dangerous fate), for the only occasional BestSex. There is no one person who has the only answers to great sex. We can use our bodies in all sorts of magnificent ways, sex being one of them, perhaps the most enjoyable. But, it is not magic; we are built to experience great orgasms! Try finding someone who can do that with you/for you/to you/on you/under you/above you/beneath you/beside you/behind you/around you/inside of you/upon you, etc (hahaha...like my use of prepositions there?!?)......someone who IS AVAILABLE to do those wonderful things anywhere, anytime, and only with You!!!!!

    Run, Run, Run - Then get perspective (She cannot give you that), once you are outside of it - Then, heal - Then, be very careful in your selection next time!
    More truth: You wouldn't be here asking if you were really ok with all of this :(
     
    #3
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Maybe the earth was trying to say, "Impending disaster - get to a safe place!" [/snark] I agree with the previous posters - this is Not Good, and the little good there is does not outweigh the heartbreak I see coming for you.

    I'll add: It seems like you are trying really hard to see serendipity and intention in the universe, but the fact is that the "meant to be" more often gets us entangled in situations that are deeply hurtful, because we believe that it's a matter of trust, patience, and fate. That if it is "meant," we should endure anything to see it through, and that fate is easy and inevitable and will take care of itself. The truth is that relationships - with any person, friends, partners, lovers - are a question of choices and our own intention, not some cosmic choreography that we passively receive.

    But what this woman needs in order to pull this on you - having you on the side for ten years, keeping peace at home, not having to take a risk - is exactly this belief: that we should be patient and passive, that she cannot control her circumstance, that you cannot control yours. That you have to wait until "things are right," which conveniently keeps you secret and keeps her in a relationship that may be harming her but is certainly providing for her. The truth is that if she wants to leave her boyfriend and be with you, she can do that now - but that it will be hard, require strength and agency and determination and action, and that waiting five years will not make it easier or less painful or less scary. Five years will not actually get her any closer to freedom. (What will? Calling a crisis center. Asking her friends for help. Getting a restraining order. Leaving.)

    Her plan is not actually about escape from this bad situation - you are her escape, and the plan is one that keeps you on the hook. For it to work, you have to believe that your love is somehow fate, and that all you need to do to earn it is not give up. But that just keeps you sleeping together, and is nowhere near the work that is required to make this mess less messy, or to forge a relationship that will support and keep you.
     
    #4
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Let's say this is the real thing. (I wanted to judge your girlfriend for being on a dating website to begin with but I am reminded that sometimes people go on such websites to look for friends.) She definitely was lonely till she found you that's for sure.

    So...again, let's say this is the real thing with complications. I think if the guy is as shitty as you say, it puts you all in very much danger, physically. If you don't care about yourself, care about her and wait outside of this for her to get her life together. You CAN provide for her a safe and stable home if she truly chooses to be with you. It is much better than being with an abuser. She maybe waiting for the kids to get out of the house, maybe her five year plan is for the kids to grow out of a custody fight? I don't know. But it is her choice to make and you can't be in the mix in this while she makes her choice.

    Check out the forums on this site: http://www.askjoanne.net/ It is chalk full of girlfriends of women married or in relationships with men. I know that the deepest love can grow out of the worst situations. But be careful with your actions. Again, I would never judge your gf, because it is hard to know someone's intentions. I want to put it out there that she has been under this long-term stress of relationship and/or sexual orientation mismatch that she may not really know what she wants. That, maybe a lot of this instant kismet with her is her simulating what she thinks a good relationship could be. I am not saying she is doing this consciously. Take a cold eye to this, for you, her and her kids sake.
     
    #5
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  6. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    After I read your post it took me a while to think and understand. I will deviate from the previous replies because there is not point in repeating the same. I will not go into whether she is lying or not, let's say I give her the benefit of the doubt. However, neither of you are impartial in your opinions and perceptions of the situation. You can only see what is in your field of vision and being as deep as you are into the relationship, there is not a lot of perspective. This goes for both of you.

    You should have clear that you are not her girlfriend, you are her love affair. There is a distinction here (at least for me) you are not open in your relationship, that is her partner doesn't know about you. I am not judging, I have no moral grounds for that. However, you have to be honest with yourself about this. It is important because otherwise you will not see what is your real standing, and you will not be realistic about expectations. Specially if you are thinking about the years to come.

    Let's assume for the sake of argument that in 10 years you two can be in an open public relationship, and that you can have the relationship you want then. The problem is that you want that relationship now, and you will have to long for it for 10 years. The current status of your relation puts you at a distance in her life. You cannot participate or be part of life events. It will not be easy, and it will be lonely. What would happen if you meet another earthquake lady while you wait for her?

    As far as what to do... only you know, but you have several options. Continue as it is but being completely and honestly aware of what your relationship really is ... or schedule a date in 10 years for when she is free of obligations. She is putting you, her husband, and her kids at risk with this relationship, emotionally and physically.
     
    #6
  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    When I was in HS, I ran into a guy that I grew up with as a kid. He had moved away from some years, but had moved back. He had grown from a scrawny, maladjusted kid into a nice looking and well spoken teen. We started running into each other in all this different places. We like so much of the same stuff. There were all these coincidences and connections. We went out a few times.

    Then his sister called and told me - no, actually, he had been obsessed with me since before he moved away. When he came back, he asked tons of people about me. All the "coincidences" were actually him knowing my schedule and my habits. All the things we had in common were lies - him pretending to have the same hobbies and likes.

    I did a little digging of my own and discovered that his sister was telling the truth. It took awhile to get rid of him (my Dad had to talk with him, which is a scary prospect). He was better looking, but he clearly was still maladjusted. He had just learned to hide his weirdness (obsession and mild stalking of me) behind a facade of charm and seeming normalcy.

    The moral of the story is that people are willing to lie - to even tell very big lies - to get what they want. If this girl is gay or bi and has a bf and two kids, she is not above lying to get what she wants. Those lies could include saying her bf is abusive / controlling / etc... They could also include lying about herself. Pretending to have a lot in common with you, pretending that planned things are serendipity, etc...

    This is a bad situation. You are either a) putting her, her kids and yourself at risk from an abuser or b) being played by a woman who likes a little on the side. And you are being a homewrecker - seeing as there are two kids involved. People who cheat lie all the time 'my wife is crazy' 'my wife is lazy' 'my husband treats me like his property' 'I want leave him for you but I have to wait until I am done with school / the kids are grown / my business takes off' 'I want a divorce, but my wife will wind up with everything' 'he said he would never let me have the kids' 'I can't afford a lawyer, he will wind up with everything.'

    Either you are in a dead end relationship with a woman who can't get away from her bf. Or you are with a woman who is using you and lying to you. Neither is healthy for you. You need to get the hell out. And you need to take a deep breath, take a step back and figure out how you got into this mess in the first place. How did you wind up going so far, so fast, with someone who has a bf and kids? Why are you not thinking about what this could do to you, to her family, to her kids and hitting the brakes on this?
     
    #7
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2015
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  8. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    Look, we have all been here before. The fireworks, the butterflies, you can't eat or sleep, because you've found this one person, THE one person, who makes you feel like every person you've ever been with before was a waste of time. It's infatuation and its completely normal to feel this way when you get in to a new relationship, but that feeling fades and its usually replaced with contented love and the comfort of day to day happenings. Meeting for a romantic dinner or a movie, a walk around the park on a Sunday afternoon and as your relationship progresses, giving your partner a quick kiss before you rush off to work in the morning and the subsequent cuddle after you get home to talk about your day. Please realise that you will not have any of this. Infatuation doesn't last forever and once that fades it needs to be replaced with something. I'm sorry to sound harsh but this woman is already in a seriously committed relationship whether you want to believe she is happy or not. She is physically and emotionally unavailable to you because she is with this man, a man you don't know and maybe, in a few years, she'll leave him and then maybe, after the kids grow up, she'll be with you and after ten whole years of putting your happiness on the back burner, you'll be able to settle down to a life of mild resentment with a woman you've never even spent a weekend with.

    This man will always be a part of her life, and by extension, yours. Are you sure you don't feel this way about your girlfriend because you want what you can't have? Are you sure you're willing to wait patiently whilst she lives her life with her family? If I'm honest, I doubt that your relationship will last long enough because if her boyfriend is as controlling as you say he is then he will find out eventually, you have to be extremely carrful to carry on an affair of such length and if that's the kind of person that you want to be then okay, but just remember that there are children involved and that's not really fair. Also remember that you will always come second, after her 'primary' life. You'll always get what's left of her time, you'll always miss the special family events and birthdays and Christmas', you'll never come first.

    I hope you make a decision that's right for you and I hope you end up happy.
     
    #8
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You are an affair. One big lying cheating affair -- and if that doesn't tell you something, nothing will. Look --she's lying to her boyfriend and her children to have the "best sex ever" with you. If she's willing to lie so easily, where does it stop? I'm not even sure her relationship is as bad as she tells you, simply because, in telling you this it gives you hope that she will one day leave him. Would it make a difference if she said "i'm in a happy relationship with my boyfriend?" Of course it would -- why would you want to be a part time girlfriend if the other part of her time she's happy?

    You're being played. This is a classic case of having her cake and eating it too. You have no idea what they talk about behind closed doors...if they laugh, plan futures for themselves and their children.

    And really...you don't know her. You only know the version of her she's presenting to you -- and whether that's fact, fiction or a combination of both is hard to tell. You're dating someone who may never be available -- a five year plan? Yeah...so you waste 5 years of your life waiting for something that may never happen while she gets the benefit of both worlds.

    Take a step back and look at this objectively. You're bound for heartache if you continue down this road.
     
    #9
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  10. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    If you really love her you'll try to find a way to be there for her and her kids. Her kids are not the problem right now-she is. She needs to change first and take a stand for herself. Sadly-she needs to do it alone-you can support her but she must do it alone. Talk to him and break the chains.
    As for the country-that's shitty. Mine doesn't even recognize same-sex relationships so I do understand. Perhaps you two can move (assuming you're still together).

    There's this undeniable chemistry between you two but can you hold on that long?
     
    #10
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