need time to think...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Ninjapower, Feb 8, 2016.

  1. Ninjapower

    Ninjapower New Member

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    Hi! I am 28 years old and my gf is 27. We meet in one project that she did in my country. We started really nice first two months spend together. Later she did a course in England (2 months) and she came back for one week. Next time I went to her (another continent). The things was really pretty great. For her is first relationship with women for me third. We had only problems with her mother that she is really catholic. Nobody of us tell to parents. After one month she came back to me to search for a job and start new life. From October we spent nice times. Later We started to fight of small things. The fight sometimes was mean from my side. It was many times. In December I realized that something is not good. She started to don’t want sex for example. After Christmas she has doubt like told me that we are in one flat 25h per day (we both didn’t work because I was waiting which city she will choose and the problem that I am living for now with my parents so maybe it was also bad for her I tried to change the situation and do a lot of things to show her my love. Spend time together I saw in sex that she also is not with me. In the middle of January she told me that she loves me but not the same like before… It crash my feelings. She said that she suffocated and I don’t give her space. I know is my fault because I changed a lot of things but I didn’t change this. And she bought the ticket before to come back because her father felt bad and she need to go there. I understand this decision and maybe I want so much to change everything that I didn’t give her this space. Like I said before she told me this. I went out from the house and come back after 3h. she started to hug me. In some point it was good I really repair a lot. Before the last day that she has flight we went to another city and spend really fantastic time. She showed me a lot of love. In last day I gave her a present and after in the bus she sent me a lot of message that she loves me and she wants to be with me also before she wrote small note that it will be good for us. In first week it was good. I know she has a lot of problems with her parents. In this first week of February it started to be bad. Like she not respond me a lot of time message. She don’t say the important words. Maybe I generalize but I feel that something is wrong. I wrote her yesterday a big note that I will wait for everything that she will do in her life. I know that also I will visit her in June. She wrote to me that “she need time to think and be patient”. I asked her before is she loves me and she said yes. Maybe somebody have idea what’s going on? She still love me like before? Or I destroyed everything?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think she has a lot of external pressures that tells her to not be in a lesbian relationship. Imagine her resolve to still be involved with a woman is made of glass. Then one small pebble of a small fight and it easily fractures it. No one is perfect in a relationship and she may have idealized what it is like to be with a woman.

    I know it is hard for you to imagine right now because she has somehow become your world. You need to find your own life and get back on your feet in terms of your career. If you have a life, and you can find happiness from within, someone, maybe your gf, maybe someone else will be drawn to you. As long as you are doing well, then you can weather whatever hardships there are, even with someone that you love. Right now, you can only wait on her to come back to you, but please don't put your life aside for it.
     
    #2
  3. Ninjapower

    Ninjapower New Member

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    Another problem is also that her parents are old. Her father has 87years. She told me that she must take care of them. It will be not a problem for me but she should tell her mother. Her mother is thinking that is something with us. Because started to control her. Count our skype. Found a laundry in her luggage when she came back. She was really in this relationship we had a lot of plans. Sex was great. We understand each other. She is more open to show relationship than me so with this lesbian things I don’t think so. Fighting moments (a lot from my fault) and her father put that she is now in her country.
    I bought also ticket to see her. Is nothing to lose but why she keep me in this impatient… I hate when somebody say “I need a time”. We still in relationship but she told me that she must put in order everything in head. She said 2 days ago that “I need to take care of my parents now, I don’t know how we will be together”
    “give me time, im stressed” or “Im tired, I only need time to think, we are not a problem, but my parents have a lot and I need to resolve”. I understand that she can be now with a lot of things in her head but 3 words to say to me like “I miss you” or “I love you” is less than 1 min to write and will make my heart better. I told her about this and she was sad in this moment. She knows that she hurts me but I must to be patient.
    Maybe I got crazy because when I write to her she is always respond “me too” but never say this alone. I went to a compromise because I put our plans later. I will do my stuff here and she will do her. We have anniversary on 24th of February. I hope and believe that the things will go only better.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    it is very possible she is not meeting your needs because of her feelings and her situation. Please don't assume that if her situation gets better things will be just dandy. My point is, you need to find that dandy o footing yourself. She could tell you what you want and give in to what you ask for, but what if she is being genuine and not just trying to make you feel good. She is asking for time, it is up to you if you can take that time or move on. She is being honest with you about her needs and not just stringing you along with sweet nothings.

    If I were you, I would try to encourage her and support her like a friend who loves her and give her her space and figure out where I should go from here.
     
    #4
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  5. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    It sounds to me like you're basing a huge part of your life right now on her and your relationship. And although it's great to be two and build a strong foundation for a life together, there is a difference between that and being too dependent on each other.

    I understand this wish to know where she might end up to know where you should go, but don't lose sight of yourself either. Follow your dreams and your aspirations, because by doing that you also bring positive energy into your relationship. If everything becomes about you two, especially if she finds herself in a stressful and tiring period lately with a lot of external factors not explicitly to do with your relationship, then your relationship might become something that drains further energy rather than brings energy to the picture.
    I'm sure her feelings for you are genuine but you need to respect her enough to give her the space she has asked for and to trust her if she says that she does love you or that it doesn't have anything to do with your relationship. Don't spend energy second guessing her.

    But most importantly, focus on yourself outside of the relationship. You are your own person. The best thing you can do for yourself, for her and for your relationship is find what makes you tick. I wish you the best of luck! :)
     
    #5
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  6. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    A friend of mine said to me once... your strength is your biggest weakness. I think my young @Ninjapower this is what's happening to you.

    You want to be with her, help her, hold her hand, shield her from any harm. You are caring, you constantly think of her and let her know about it. That is your strength. However, when she is not demonstrative of her affection or when she doesn't let you help her, you hurt. That is your weakness because you are so good at it. In a relationship, unlike physics, the third law of Newton doesn't apply. If you say or do something, don't expect her to do the same. Just do it because you want to, don't expect anything in return.

    When someone asks you for time to think they might as well tell you go mental. We always want to support our love ones, but we don't understand when our support comes in the form of not being there. It sounds counter intuitive and we don't handle it well. What can you do? Let her be.

    Let her know you are there when she needs you, when she is ready to talk. She sounds overwhelmed right now and having to deal with an extra situation only makes things worse. Give her time... yes I know it hurts, it drives you crazy, and it's not easy. She will come to you when the time is right. Check in every once in a while but she is the one that ultimately decides when to move forward.

    If you cannot handle this, you know what to do.
     
    #6
    Gentry, aussie_gabby, Pump and 2 others like this.

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