Need some help!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by AmIwrong66, Jul 15, 2013.

  1. AmIwrong66

    AmIwrong66 Member

    Jul 14, 2013
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    Hello AE community!

    I really need some advice/help.

    I've never been good with relationships, always held back my emotions and feelings out of my own insecurities. Fast forward to my late 40's and I finally met someone I truly fell in love with.

    Seemed the feelings were mutual. We have been in a relationship for 6 months now and lived together for the last 3. I know it's a early and very young relationship, but for once in my life I can say I gave 100% of myself to my partner.

    But every time I asked for something in the emotional department, it seemed to never be met or acknowledged. If her family called she ran to do whatever she could for them. She would obsessively call or text her mother all the time and get really antsy if her mother didn't return her calls. Sister come into town and she would trip over herself to get there and usually only to be met by her sister having other plans, and not spending any time with her. Several members of her family use her for her car/monetary purposes and she just would keep on going back for more and more.

    I pointed out some of her behaviors were not necessarily healthy. And I wondered why I always came in second place to the family. It wouldn't matter what happened, she would run for her family. One example was my elderly mother who lives with us fell and hurt herself. Her sister was coming into town and I know how she gets. When she asked if I wanted her to cancel her plans I knew she wanted me to say "No" as she had been obsessively texting to find out when she would arrive. Sure enough not long after she left I had to call an ambulance as my mom it turns out had fractured her pelvis. My partner got to her sister, and was there all of 30 minutes before she found out her sister had a planned BBQ at a friends house and it didn't include my partner.

    Well she finally got the hint on the family, but the mother became the new obsession. She would baby talk to her mother, call her all the time, and it got to the point I was saying "I'm in a relationship with you, while you are in one with your mother".. The last straw was a couple weeks ago when she announced "I hope I die before my mother does"... It shocked me! I understand being close to your family, but this seems above and beyond. I love my mother, but I have severed the embibical cord years ago!

    All the while she has been claiming I'm the love of her life, she wants to be in this relationship 100%, and doesn't want to loose me. Yet I've not had one emotional need meet, and that is being open and honest. Lately she admits she hasn't been in the relationship fully, but in the last week or so she has come to realize she is now in it.

    I would of preferred to have known this all before hand. I would of held off the moving in, till she had things figured out. Now I feel like I've been betrayed. I asked all these questions point blank because things seemed off. I was always told I was wrong and now she admits I was right.

    I love her, but I don't know if I can trust her to communicate how she really feels. I've no clue if she now "really loves me, because she fears losing me" and I have been very good to her.

    Any advice would be great!

    Thank you for the replies and I forgot to mention I don't ask for much as far as emotional needs. Basic stuff, honesty and open communication. I'm pretty self sufficient and don't need to be entertained. The one thing is it's hard for me to ask for what I need, reason I didn't ask her to stay when my mother fell. I'm so use to being independent, it's a very difficult thing for me to say when I need help. But the situation was pretty obvious. She wanted to run after her sister and I told her to go ahead.
  2. Gryphon32

    Gryphon32 Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Wow that is a really crappy situation you're in. First off, you are clearly a loving and wonderful woman with a great capacity for selflessness and generosity of spirit. Honestly, some people, women and men, are emotionally under-developed and will stay that way for the rest of their lives. Your partner's issues are not complicated at all. She simply is unwilling and at the same time unable to reciprocate your level of emotional maturity. You deserve better because you are better. We can become so emotionally dependent on partners that we start to lose ourselves. Don't allow that to happen to you anymore than it already has. Change is scary and hard but your happiness is more important than hers. That isn't selfish, it's realistic. She won't allow herself to be happy because of her insecurities and emotional issues. You aren't responsible for fixing her. Live your life and do what's best for you. Because you're worth it!!
  3. thoughtsofdestiny

    thoughtsofdestiny Active Member

    Jul 10, 2013
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    "We can become so emotionally dependent on partners that we start to lose ourselves. Don't allow that to happen to you anymore than it already has". it possible that her partner feels the same way? Maybe she's made the mistake of becoming emotionally dependant on her partner before only to be let down time and time again. I think the OP is asking way too much way too soon. This is still a brand new relationship and the kind of trust you are asking for takes time.

    So, I guess my advice to you is to RELAX. You've only known her a few months. Just do your best to be there when she needs you and over time she will start to let her guard down. These things take time. Don't rush it. ;)
  4. mp2011

    mp2011 Member

    Jul 20, 2013
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    It's still very early in the relationship, 6 months is not a long time so I would slow down my expectations a bit. It may be unhealthy for her to run to her family all the time and overextend herself but you can't expect her to realize this immediately, it takes time to figure out healthy ways of interacting with family.

    There's a bit of trial and error or learning when we're in relationships, since you haven't been in many of them it takes a while to learn. It's understandable to put 100% in the relationship because you're so happy to find someone whom you can trust enough to do it with but your partner may be feeling a bit of pressure on her end.

    I had a similar experience in my early 30's where since I waited so long for my partner to appear I wanted everything to be as I dreamed. Of course, she couldn't deal with it since she was always feeling that she needed to hit a home run in this relationship all the time which is impossible.

    It reminds me of stories of how straight men would propose to their girlfriends. They would set up these elaborate events to propose. After getting married how would their wives feel about them if they forget about the laundry or forget to do something? They had such high expectations with that incredible proposal, would the marriage ever live up to it?

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