Need help badly!

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by C44, Apr 2, 2015.

  1. C44

    C44 Member

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    Ok so I met this girl online. She has recently come out. She grew up in a religious family, got married and has a kid. She figured out she was gay about a year ago. Told her husband in December and then went and told her parents.

    So I'm talking to her and we hit it off right away. We have a lot of the same interests, ideas, and are pretty open with each other. Right in the beginning she said she was talking to several women and casually dating one. So I'm ok with that. We keep talking, flirting ect. The girl she is casually dating, they started talking a month earlier. They are both coming out and have been married as well as having kids. I ask about the other girl to see if they were exclusive. She said they weren't and that things had been weird the last couple of weeks with them. Lots of emotional walls ect.

    So we continue talking and she says she likes me and we talk about meeting. But first she says she needs to figure out things with this other girl. So her and the girl hangout over the weekend. Monday comes and I ask how it went. She said some things are better but not like they used to be. So ok I'm like well then what. She says she is confused and feels like she needs to give this thing with this girl a try. They have a connection with similar backgrounds, marriage, kids, coming out late in life.

    I asked her what about our connection, she says we have one too and if we would have met instead of her meeting that girl first then it would be me she is seeing. She says that she wants to continue being friends and talking, but she's going to be exclusive with this girl.
    My question is, should I be there for her as a friend and wait or what. She said herself if her and this girl didn't work we could meet. It's all about the timing and I was just a month late. I don't know what to do. I like her a lot and am ok with being friends but do you think it could ever be more than that?
    Thanks
     
    #1
  2. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Umm... Well is this someone you've actually met in real life? Or has it just been online?

    Although actually my advice would be the same thing regardless. I think you're already starting to develop feelings for this woman. It would be wise just to cut contact. You'd just be in danger of sitting on the sidelines waiting for a relationship to fall apart. Which it might but again it might not. But is that really want you want? I'd get yourself back out there and keep looking. You never know.. Your Perfect match could be someone else entirely.
     
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  3. Farore

    Farore Member

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    Honestly, I think it would be best just to cut your losses on this one. It would be great if she had met you first but the fact of it is, she didn't. This could be a very hurtful situation for you if you wait around, fall in love with her, hoping that they break up, but there could be a very great possibility that you get your heart broken while you wait.

    And if you're going to be her friend, you have to let your feelings go, because it's not ok for anyone involved to have you wait on the sidelines with the hope in the back of your mind that things go south for them, and I think it was spectacularly unfair of her to give you that hope in the first place :(

    My advice is to leave well enough alone. She can't keep you as a backup just in case, that's not fair to you, and it doesn't tell me good things about her morals if I'm honest.
     
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  4. C44

    C44 Member

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    Yea I haven't met her, just online. The whole situation really sucks. I don't think I've ever liked someone as quickly as I do her. I really wish things were different. I still have my profile up online and looking. Does anyone believe the saying "what's meant to be will be"?

    Thanks for the advice.
     
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  5. C44

    C44 Member

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    Narley,
    So Yea I kinda of already have feelings for her. We both have a connection with each other. I can talk to her and I trust her which says a lot since I don't do both easily. I just really wish things were different. I just figure she is trying with this girl because they are both each other's first and cuz they have similar pasts. It's hard to let go.
    :(
     
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  6. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Hi C44, I agree it does suck. But I wouldn't try and fight it.., my advice... Take up something new to occupy your mind. To help give you some space from the situation... Don't keep checking up on whether she's written to you... Keep talking with other ladies as well. As you said already, if she's meant for you, it'll happen when the timing is right. For you to hang on for someone you've never met and might never meet, could make you miss the person you were meant to meet. Also until you've actually met her I would fight any attraction. You might be great friends and identify with each other but in person chemistry is another matter entirely! ...
     
    #6
  7. C44

    C44 Member

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    Narley,
    Thanks.. It's hard.. I woke up to her texting me on her way to work. That's pretty normal with us. And we usually go to sleep texting each other. She told me she doesn't text the other girl nearly as much. It's all just weird, complicated situation. But I'll try to step back some. I'm talking to several other people, but it's not the same.
     
    #7
  8. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Ahh ok, would you consider asking her to give you a bit of space? It's not really fair for her to keep doing that. Especially if she is aware of your feelings!
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    She's flat out told you that she just wants to be friends. Take this comment at face value and don't infer that her "relationship" with this other girl is proceeding simply because they met first. Do not linger or hold out hope that there will be something more with her unless she does a 180 flip and tells you that there's potential. Seriously. For all you know she could be letting you down easily. And online it is very easy to get sucked into a "relationship" with someone you don't know.

    She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. In the meantime, you hold out hope wanting more.
     
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  10. C44

    C44 Member

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    Spygirl,
    Well she has actually told me she wanted to be with me as well. Her words were quote "I think you and I could work and we have a connection. I want to meet you, but I need to figure this thing out with the other girl. I met her first so I feel like I owe it to her to see what happens. But if it doesn't work then I'm up for meeting if it's still something you want" end quote.
     
    #10
  11. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Yes, but after that in practically the same breath she told you she just wanted to be friends and continue talking. That's pretty clear to me.

    She could also be letting you down easily. And in the meantime, you're agreeing to be someone's backup plan if anything she said to you was honest.
     
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  12. C44

    C44 Member

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    Yea I guess that is true. It's just hard. Sorry
     
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  13. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    I agree with @Spygirl. She has you as backup plan. It is up to you if you prefer to wait but don't hold your breath. What's meant to be will be does not mean you wait longingly until she figures out what she wants. I don't think she's being fair to you at all.
     
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  14. C44

    C44 Member

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    Rac,
    Thanks for the advice. Yea I dont really think she is being fair. At least she doesn't talk to me about the other girl. I will try to pull back. I'm horrible about cutting off people. I have a hard time doing it.
     
    #14
  15. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    C44, please listen to everyone. If she is stringing you along now just for her own purpose, I can't imagine what a relationship with her would be like, would you? Out of sight and out of mind is the way to go, please block her. Every time she texts, you delete her chat off your phone, and get the cleansing feeling. I hope your feeling of self perservation overcomes your pining for her.
     
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  16. C44

    C44 Member

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    Yea you guys probably think I'm crazy. I do believe she is trying to be honest and upfront about everything. I think she is just confused. But I'll try to take a step back. Thanks
     
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  17. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    No, we don't. We understand your confusion, most of us here went through the same thing. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to post. A lot of people here can offer you great advice.
     
    #17
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  18. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Goodness no!, I don't think you are crazy, just have been there myself, ya know. (Echoing Rac,,,,hellooo helllooo)
     
    #18
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  19. C44

    C44 Member

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    Rac, greylin,

    Thanks for that. I just hate the whole situation. I think it would have been a lot better if she never told me the part if she had met me first it would have been different. Ugh all I can do is take one day at a time.
     
    #19
  20. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Personally, I'd take a step back, but casually keep in touch. Like - a handful of texts a week. I'd ask her for space - that you want to be friends but not besties so the am / pm texting is too much for you.

    I would also keep my dating profile up and keep dating, stay busy and active.

    I don't know if this woman is acting in good faith or not. She may legit like you and like the other girl, but feel like she wants to give the other relationship a shot because it was further along.

    Or she may be keeping you around as a backup plan.

    I don't have a huge issue with you keeping in contact with her. If she and girl were in a ltr - no don't wait in the wings. But they haven't been together that long. I don't see a huge problem with loosely keeping in touch as friends.

    If she is using you as a backup, she won't honor your 'just friends' boundaries. She'll keep up with flirting, tons of texting, etc... Then you know she's bad news and you move on.
     
    #20

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