Need advise on to get life together

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Anne140, Dec 14, 2014.

  1. Anne140

    Anne140 New Member

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    I’m from a conservative country. When my parents found that I was involved with a girl they started looking for suitors, I was scared to resist and got married with in a couple of months. I was 24 at that time. After a week of wedding night, I was sure its not for me. I was hoping at least, I might be bi but unfortunately I’m not. After 3 months I couldn’t take it anymore and went to my parents and asked for divorce. We were still talking about it but, during that time we learned I was pregnant. My husband was supportive, I think he knew what was my problem… he was sure I don’t like having sex and moreover the pressure of the customs I was under lot of stress. I wanted to have an abortion, we made an appointment with the doctor but I couldn’t go through it. Instead with in 2-3 days we moved to US. Me and my husband had very rough path, neither of us wanted to hurt our parents nor what was happening was fair on either of us. He ignored me and left me for myself for years. He wouldn’t talk to me, we never celebrated anything together, was just co-habitats for the sake of the child and social obligations. Sex always sucks but he still wants it at least once in couple of months, either he gives up after little struggle or ends with a fight or when I’m too weak to resist he gets his way. Finally, in the year of 2012 I had enough, forced myself out of depression and started acting on freeing myself. I wanted to be on my own but, I can’t support myself nor the child neither could able to afford lawyer fee for filing divorce or fighting for child custody… What I did instead is started my studies again, went to part-time grad school here worked very hard and graduated. I thought, I can find a job and file for divorce ASAP. But, again because of lack of experience and my age were limitations however, because I had good grades I got the offer for the doctoral program instead. As a child I always dreamed of excelling in academics and wanted to do it. So, I took the opportunity when I got it. While, at home nothing has changed. My child has grown up and slowly taking care of himself but, avoiding sex is getting harder and harder. Even though, its once in 2-3 months its still hard. With the fellowship I earn its still not enough for me and the child moreover my working hours are odd. She still needs after school care which I can’t afford. Therefore, I’m stuck in this marriage for another 3-4 years. Between, I crave female companionship, now that I’m out of the house and among so many women… I want to have someone in my life too, to be loved and love someone. I have been part of online lesbian community for over 2 years. I like to have what others have too.. live with a woman, share my life with her…. However, society looks at it as adultery! I have been only with one woman all my life I could have never been with a man if it was up to me. I never accepted the marriage nor I ever wore a wedding ring. I’m married only in the eyes of society.



    Under these circumstances, can any woman understands my situation and to be part of my life or they rather consider it as an affair/adultery… I’m 30 now, every day that passes I feel like I’m loosing one from my life with that special person. Now and then in the online community some girl comes around, talks nice, confesses love and awakens the hopes and cravings in me but, when me being honest when I tell her about my situation she says she understands it, tries to be supportive but slowly takes off. I can’t really blame them. I don’t know what to do. How can I make myself free from all of this. I have to work day and nights at school for my doctoral program, its going very well, I’m working on building my credibility and its taking lot of hours of work.. so I can’t completely take care of my child nor I would ever walk away from my child. At the same time I also want to be with the woman of my dream. I wish, I know how to work it through can anyone help me here please. Thank you so much, I appreciate your insight, suggesions and time.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You might be able to find a legal aid that would help set you up with a lawyer. Also, if you get divorced, your ex-husband would have to pay child support and, possibly, alimony.

    I don't really have much to offer on the dating front. I understand that you want to be free from your marriage, but I don't think you can move on until you've at least separated, if not completely divorced.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I'm not a lawyer. But I would suggest you consult with one before getting involved in dating. Depending on which US State you are in, the results of your divorce might be different if you commit adultery.

    Law Schools frequently have legal aid resources. Women's Centers and LGBTQ organizations sometimes have them, too.

    Good luck.
     
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  4. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    I might get hated for this but this is exactly how I feel, If I were about to encounter something like this.. I know the situation that you're in right now is a really Frek up situation and I probably cn't fully understand what you're feeling right now.

    but if I were about to encounter the situation that you're in right now, as harsh as it sounded I would suggest you to be able to stand on your feet first before even goin to find someone you love and loves you back, for me If I were about to find someone who I love and loves me back, I want it to be a fair relationship since the beginning of the relationship... as in None of us is in any marriage situation or in relationship with somebody else whether its a you know.... not a happy relationship or something. for me in my point of view.. you're still in some sort of relationship/marriage, its a frek up situation that its a force/arranged marriage but you're still "attached to him" no matter what, which to be really honest for me if I were about to bring another relationship into the book, I can only imagine chaos and disaster. I will probably be more depress at the end of the road. now I know there is a slight chances that everything will magically works out like in a movie but those are for exception and from experience, I wouldn't really keep my chin up for those exception.

    now the other thing that you said. you said that at the moment you cnt afford lawyer right and still working on your way to stand on your own and be able to support you and your child right? (I'm not sure whether I'm reading this right or wrong but at the moment my meds are kickin my brain so bare with me) and I'm not really sure whether your husband know that you like the same gender as in you're a lesbian, have you guys ever had a conversation about this?? or this is something like... a uhm public secret? meanings everybody knows but no one talks about it. but anyway what I'm trying to say is that, as frek up as it sounds I wouldn't really play around when I have my children in stake, I mean I know that "infidelity" would not make you lose your custody over your child in court (if you happen to find someone you love and loves you back while all of this is happening, I would assume it would be consider as infidelity by the society) but not being able to support your child will surely beat you down in court and in your case I would assume he is the bigger/only "bread winner" at the moment? I don't really know how the child divorce marriage system is in USA but is there possibilities for him to banned you from getting near your child if you end up losing in court??

    about the companionship with fellow female, I understand that feeling of craving someone in your life, someone that you truly loves and someone that you're really attracted to and in this case its a woman but to be really honest you're only 30 and for me 30+ is not old unless you're like 90... now that is old but no, you're still 30, you will still have time to find someone you love after all of this ends and by that time you will be able to "fully" enjoy to be in relationship. I really, really think that you should be more focusing on standing up on your own feet faster and winning on court, maybe bare with it a little bit more while you're still not fully capable. I know this is really surreal but I believe in the old chinese saying of "if they're fated to be with you, they will eventually come sooner or later, NO need to look for them" so she will eventually come to you someday.

    that is my 2cents, if I said something that offended you or anyone, Please forgive me. this is how I really feels and I'm just trying to give a new way of seeing or encountering the problem and I'm not really good at trying to get my message across to whoever reads it so I'm sorry.

    and for you my friend, I really wish everything will went great for you, as in everything will eventually works out sooner than you expected but until it actually works out, I can only wish you to be strong and all the luck in this world. :)

    xx
    Tan
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    There are many organizations that will provide no cost/low cost legal assistance to women in need. If you are seeking legal services, contact the bar association in the state in which you reside -- the bar association should be able to provide you with information that may help you find the services you need.
     
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