I’m from a conservative country. When my parents found that I was involved with a girl they started looking for suitors, I was scared to resist and got married with in a couple of months. I was 24 at that time. After a week of wedding night, I was sure its not for me. I was hoping at least, I might be bi but unfortunately I’m not. After 3 months I couldn’t take it anymore and went to my parents and asked for divorce. We were still talking about it but, during that time we learned I was pregnant. My husband was supportive, I think he knew what was my problem… he was sure I don’t like having sex and moreover the pressure of the customs I was under lot of stress. I wanted to have an abortion, we made an appointment with the doctor but I couldn’t go through it. Instead with in 2-3 days we moved to US. Me and my husband had very rough path, neither of us wanted to hurt our parents nor what was happening was fair on either of us. He ignored me and left me for myself for years. He wouldn’t talk to me, we never celebrated anything together, was just co-habitats for the sake of the child and social obligations. Sex always sucks but he still wants it at least once in couple of months, either he gives up after little struggle or ends with a fight or when I’m too weak to resist he gets his way. Finally, in the year of 2012 I had enough, forced myself out of depression and started acting on freeing myself. I wanted to be on my own but, I can’t support myself nor the child neither could able to afford lawyer fee for filing divorce or fighting for child custody… What I did instead is started my studies again, went to part-time grad school here worked very hard and graduated. I thought, I can find a job and file for divorce ASAP. But, again because of lack of experience and my age were limitations however, because I had good grades I got the offer for the doctoral program instead. As a child I always dreamed of excelling in academics and wanted to do it. So, I took the opportunity when I got it. While, at home nothing has changed. My child has grown up and slowly taking care of himself but, avoiding sex is getting harder and harder. Even though, its once in 2-3 months its still hard. With the fellowship I earn its still not enough for me and the child moreover my working hours are odd. She still needs after school care which I can’t afford. Therefore, I’m stuck in this marriage for another 3-4 years. Between, I crave female companionship, now that I’m out of the house and among so many women… I want to have someone in my life too, to be loved and love someone. I have been part of online lesbian community for over 2 years. I like to have what others have too.. live with a woman, share my life with her…. However, society looks at it as adultery! I have been only with one woman all my life I could have never been with a man if it was up to me. I never accepted the marriage nor I ever wore a wedding ring. I’m married only in the eyes of society. Under these circumstances, can any woman understands my situation and to be part of my life or they rather consider it as an affair/adultery… I’m 30 now, every day that passes I feel like I’m loosing one from my life with that special person. Now and then in the online community some girl comes around, talks nice, confesses love and awakens the hopes and cravings in me but, when me being honest when I tell her about my situation she says she understands it, tries to be supportive but slowly takes off. I can’t really blame them. I don’t know what to do. How can I make myself free from all of this. I have to work day and nights at school for my doctoral program, its going very well, I’m working on building my credibility and its taking lot of hours of work.. so I can’t completely take care of my child nor I would ever walk away from my child. At the same time I also want to be with the woman of my dream. I wish, I know how to work it through can anyone help me here please. Thank you so much, I appreciate your insight, suggesions and time.