Need advice on dating (male, straight)

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by ChrisMi, Feb 25, 2016.

  1. ChrisMi

    ChrisMi New Member

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    Hi!

    I thought this should be the best place for insight in the mystery of the female ;) Maybe you girls can help me out/give some advice?

    I am dating for quite a long time online on multiple platforms (a bit social anxiety I guess and overweight) and had more or less not really luck at all. A few hookups, many many dates but nothing really successfull and longterm.

    Also tried the bar scene but wasnt really my style. Most of my friends are more home bound or already in a relationship (and therefore not party people anymore). And I never got the courage to go out completely alone into the night. Despite some things I enjoy (concerts, cinema, theatre).

    I also read a lot of pickup stuff, dating advice/books, forums, and whatelse... But either its dripping with testosterone (sexist) or just a lot of dubious marketing and moneymaking for the PUA.


    My Questions:

    Is it just a problem with my shyness? Because I feel I have done all I can (amount/numbers wise).
    Do I have to be dominant as male all the time (to indicate sexual interest; cocky and funny style)?
    Cant I recognize the signs coming from the ladies? Or werent there any signs at all?
    Is it all mainly attraction based aka bodytype/weight/muscle defines your success?
    How do you know your attracted to someone (conscious/subconcious)?
    Is it normal for girls to not make the first mover, like ever?



    What else could I do?

    I know many things regarding dating are important (meeting new people, checking out new places, being confident) but is the attraction always necessary mutual? I mean ONS also happen when people get drunk and it's late and your in a good mode. Or do I picture all of it wrong!?

    Thanks a lot!
     
    #1
  2. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Okay, so I'm gonna copy your questions and answer them:

    Is it just a problem with my shyness? Because I feel I have done all I can (amount/numbers wise).-

    Shyness can be cute to some. It is a problem to you because unless you put yourself out there a little more, you wouldn't probably have much success in reality. You can always meet your soulmate online but I personally am a bit old fashioned and believe that you should find YOUR PERSON by going on actual dates :)
    Do I have to be dominant as male all the time (to indicate sexual interest; cocky and funny style)?
    No-the more you show her, whoever she might be, how much you believe that men & women are equal, the more she'll appreciate you. Again, talking from my experience and likes & dislikes. Some women prefer more dominant males so I guess that you should more or less adapt to her liking. However, don't try to please her at all costs-she'll see this and it's likely to be a turn off.
    Cant I recognize the signs coming from the ladies? Or werent there any signs at all?
    That might be true-some guys aren't good at recognizing the signals but to make you feel better, some girls aren't that much better either. I guess that laughter is a sign you should watch out for, whether she's more touchier than the normal for 1st date(s).
    Is it all mainly attraction based aka bodytype/weight/muscle defines your success?
    I really do think that looks matter only to the point of attracting your future date. If you're overweight that doesn't mean that you can't be attractive. It's also about mentality, confidence (not mistaken with cockiness) but if you personally don't feel attractive, you can always try to work and sticking to a different diet (if possible). Muscles aren't everything-to me they're a plus but it when the person's personality is shit or they're lacking the brain, it's a huge NO.
    How do you know your attracted to someone (conscious/subconcious)?
    It's different for everybody-I personally want to spend more time with them, dying to hear their voice so I often phone them and just try to talk to them as much as possible. Some people notice particular things such as voice, smile etc..
    Is it normal for girls to not make the first mover, like ever?
    We live in an era where men & women are equal so it's more common now for women to make the first move. However, every girl decides for herself whether she wants to make the 1st move or not.


    What else could I do?
    You can't force it-we're all looking for our person and unfortunately you gotta kiss many frogs till you find your princess. Don't give up on your search.

    I know many things regarding dating are important (meeting new people, checking out new places, being confident) but is the attraction always necessary mutual? I mean ONS also happen when people get drunk and it's late and your in a good mode. Or do I picture all of it wrong!?
    One night stands are possible but I really don't think that we're all looking for that only.
     
    #2
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @ChrisMi , I think that you are a little misplaced coming here. Your logic is "well, women know women best." Truth is, there is no one thing that women want. We are all different - just like there is no one thing that all men want. I can't pretend to speak for all women and it would be arrogant of me (to say the least) to try.

    I will try to answer your questions:
    Is it just a problem with my shyness? Because I feel I have done all I can (amount/numbers wise).
    I have no idea. I have no idea how you are with women. I have no idea what happened in situations where it didn't work out for you.
    Do I have to be dominant as male all the time (to indicate sexual interest; cocky and funny style)?
    God, did you really just ask that?
    Cant I recognize the signs coming from the ladies? Or werent there any signs at all?

    I have no idea. I have no idea how you are with women. I have no idea what happened in situations where it didn't work out for you.
    Is it all mainly attraction based aka bodytype/weight/muscle defines your success?
    Truth is, there is no one thing that women want.
    How do you know your attracted to someone (conscious/subconcious)?
    It is different for everyone. Thinking about someone a lot is a sign. Getting a boner while thinking about them a lot is another.
    Is it normal for girls to not make the first mover, like ever?
    Some girls are comfortable making the first move. Those girls are probably already taken.

    You are looking for one big thing to do right, or that must be wrong. But frequently it is a totality. Being shy or heavy or whatever doesn't doom you to a life of being single. But if you are lots of things - shy, socially awkward, passive, over weight, poor, lazy, etc... it will be hard to find someone.

    Now, for the hard part.

    Your profile says that you are 32, but the questions that you are asking seem... simplistic? You can not live your life online, no matter how scary your social anxiety is. You need to go out and interact with real men and real women in the real world. You can't figure out how to deal with people in ways that avoid people (reading pua books, asking questions online). Then ask your guy friends and your lady friends about your approach. And observe your guy friends and your lady friends and see what works for them.

    I am not saying this to bust your balls. I am just trying to give you my honest input.
     
    #3
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Some months ago, I watched this episode with Lisa Ling going to the desert to watch a group of men learning to be pickup artists. While I find such things insincere and as you say, sexist, I thought the episode was interesting. It is really about confidence that comes with a command of social situations and also a deep well of self acceptance. From the things you are saying, you sound like a decent fellow, so the main thing is how you can get over that insecurity bumpity bump when you try talking to a woman.

    Perhaps, when you do meet women, you can find a situation where you are confident. Whether it is a hobby, an activity or a profession, start there and find a convention. There are also conventions that target women in those situations that a low percentage of men would attend. I find men in those situations in general to be nice, confident and not out to troll women. Perhaps if you find a convention like that then you maybe able to talk to women with the same interests and see them as not some big mystery to solve. Then you can start building your confidence around women.

    I can understand about being shy, it maybe something you are born with and/or something in your nurture. What is important is that you know you are a perfectly nice fellow and that is an upbringing to be proud of. So, maybe you start small, even if it is just a hello to a co-worker and build that up to a meetup where you will need to socialize more. If talking is hard, do your homework like you are doing, notice things about a person and get her to talk about herself.

    Take care and good luck.
     
    #4
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016
  5. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I agree with grelin. Find something you are interested and knowledgeable in and go to a meeting or convention.

    I have relatives who are shy and it can be extremely difficult to approach others. But, if you just start talking about something to someone without trying to hit on them you'll start to become more at ease in starting up conversations.

    Also, take advantage of when someone starts talking to you first. Make sure you respond back. It doesn't have to be a pretty girl. Anyone you talk to is great practice for when you see someone you are attracted to. But, as Bluenote suggested, you need to get off your computer and meet people in the real world.
     
    #5
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