my wife's best friend is in love with her

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by PoeticJustice28, May 1, 2019.

  1. PoeticJustice28

    PoeticJustice28 New Member

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    Hi guys, i seriously need your help/advice right now!

    So my wife (R) has a best friend named (B). They've known each other a little longer than my wife and me, which has been 5 years. They didn't start getting close until a year after we met. Right away i could tell that B loved R more than just in a best friend way but R defended their relationship saying that they are best friends.

    Anyway, recently R was in her home country visiting her family for a few months and there was a situation that i need your advice on. They had a sleepover which resulted in the two of them sleeping in the same bed (nothing else happened). I told R before how i don't like them sleeping in the same bed, we fought about it and i thought she understood from then on that that's not okay with me. BUT, two nights before she flies back home to me they have a sleepover and they slept together in the same bed again. She has a couch in her bedroom, so it's not like there wasn't another sleeping option. At this point, we BOTH know B has feelings for R. The very next day B confessed her love for R. I was so hurt by her sleeping in the same bed together. R defended their friendship and saw nothing wrong with sleeping in the same bed with her "best friend" even with feelings there. BTW B does not know R likes girls or is married to me. But all of R's other close friends know that and know about me.

    I'm just really confused. We fought so many times because of B and i always knew that she was in love with R and so many times R defended B and made me feel like i'm the crazy one. R told me that i do not have to worry anymore about B and her, because after B confessed her love R told her that they can no longer talk like they use to or see other. BUT, the night before R went to the airport B was over her house along with her other friends and they have been talking here and there. I still feel really hurt by all of this. i don't think i'm being irrational or asking too much of my wife to not sleep in the same bed as her. What do you guys think? How would you feel in my position? Do you think it's weird R doesn't want to tell B about us?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am so in your corner in this. B is R’s best friend but B does not know she is gay and married to you??? What kind of bestie is that? Is it an overseas, long time friend vs. the friends she has here kind of thing? B was not invited to the wedding assuming there was one? It is really messed up right there.

    You had an agreement about not her not sleeping in the same bed and she did it anyway. She did not listen to you when you had your suspicions and I trust that she did not validate you either after B’s confession?

    I would feel quite dismissed by her on this. The only saving grace could be that R trusts her own feelings on this. She trusts herself not to betray you. She also trusts that she is not into B but wanted to be accepted like she had always been accepted without being labeled as someone who likes women.

    I think the biggest deception in her life here is not having the emotional courage to confront the elephants in the room with B. The elephants are B’s obvious attraction and her sexuality. How she handled things was pretty awful but it is not that you are any less important but her having a problem with her previous life before she was out. Maybe it is a bit of the nostalgia for not being labeled by the larger population?

    This is where you need to teach her not to dismiss your concerns and renege on agreements in physical closeness with others. I hope she finds the empathy for you that you seek. This could take multiple talks and perhaps some counseling. I am so sorry you are going through this.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, so I've got many problems with this....how can B be R's best friend and not know that (1) R is married to YOU and (2) R is gay? Seems to me the problem is R -- YOUR WIFE -- and not B....

    How is B supposed to know boundaries when R isn't even honest with her? This lack of honesty would have me questioning...if R cannot be honest with her supposed best friend...then are you getting honesty from R as well? Doesn't seem like it to me -- she says she's not talking to her much, but they're still talking here and there? Food for thought.

    Even MORE important than this whole dishonesty thing is the fact that YOUR WIFE.....the woman you are supposed to love and trust apparently doesn't give a shit about your feelings and decides to sleep in bed with another woman knowing that it bothers you. Again, boundary issues? NEVER would I ever knowingly do something that would legitimately upset my wife. It's called common courtesy. If there's a disagreement we talk about it and work it out...but this to me shows a complete disregard for you -- she gets what she wants for whatever reason and you're just supposed to be okay with something that clearly bothers you? Relationships are about compromise.

    At the end of the day you cannot control whether other people like or fall in love with your wife -- your wife, however, can control how she acts in response to situations like that. You need to be focusing on R and NOT B in this situation, because I believe it's all on her. I mean, can you even blame B if she has no idea that R is married??????
     
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    Last edited: May 3, 2019
  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I just talked to someone who lives now in the US but is from abroad, about this thread. She asked immediately if R was out back in her home country. She said that if R wasn't then there is a possibility that she hung out with B like they were a couple of straight girls and sharing a bed was the norm. If R was to all of a sudden do something different then B would wonder. I suppose R could make all kinds of excuses about being tired and not wanting to share a bed. But this leaves me a lot of question about this situation.

    1. How did the OP find out about R and B sharing a bed? Isn't R traveling and I guess, alone?
    2. What does B think the OP is in relation to R?
    3. is R out in her home country at all?
     
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  5. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

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    You’re not being irrational.

    But I was wondering the same as some of the questions in Greylins last post.
    What country is she from? Religious? Does her family know she is out and married to you?

    Looking aside this, having a bestfriend that doesn’t know she is married is a bit off to me. Or does B know she is married and believes she has a husband?

    I still think she should have said she wants to sleep alone, but maybe that raises questions she wasn’t prepared to answer yet.

    I hope you two sort things out.:)
     
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  6. PoeticJustice28

    PoeticJustice28 New Member

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    @Spygirl - i agree with you. i really don't blame B for being in love with my wife or for this situation at all. I mean don't get me wrong it would seem that i don't like B but that's only because i knew what R was refusing to see all along and I didn't like hearing about their close friendship. R said B doesn't need to know that we are together now since they aren't going to be talking anymore. BUT, they will still being talking just to make sure the other is alive and well every once in a while. R is saying a lot of different things each time i question something and I have the same questions as you do about her honesty and boundaries.

    @greylin & @Toni - R is not out in her home country because gays are not accepted. She could either be jailed or hurt along with her family if word got out. The only people from her country who know that R is gay and about me are her parents and her lesbian friends, except for B. R came out to her parents when she came to the US the first time to be with me. Things didn't go that well but eventually her mom and dad came around. They don't know that we are married yet. Her parents weren't ready to swallow that pill.

    *****We were out the other night and landed on this topic. At first, it was the same conversation we had already had, her not acknowledging or understanding how i feel. But it ended with her asking me what do i need from her for this to be a thing in the past. i really want this to be over but i can't move on until she really sees the issue.


    Thank you guys for your advice. Sorry if i'm replying weird with the @ sign. it's my first time lol.
     
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  7. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

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    Not weird at all, it notifies us that you responded ;)

    I was guessing that it was something like that.
    So it makes more sense that she is very careful with who she shares that part of her life with. But over 5 years and best friends it is odd that being commited or marriage never has come up in talks.

    I can’t help to think that some part of her understands you. She probably just doesn’t see it as a big deal and especially now when their frienship dynamic is changed I am guessing it will not happen again. So she wants you two to move forward.

    You should ask her how she would think/feel if the situation was reversed? Would she be ok with you sharing a bed with someone she thinks is into you? or another female in general? Maybe that will give some food for thought and give you some answers in the way she thinks and hopefully you two can move forward from there?
     
    #7
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