My story - Loving and Losing

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ThenAndNow, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    This is going to be a very long post, so please bear with me.

    I am a 35 year old, shy butch woman. I met N here on AE when I turned 33. I live in the US and she lives near Russia. We had nothing in common at the time except that we both were going through a break up. We both started writing emails and she asked me not to close myself out from her. We were complete opposites in that she is a social drinker, a non-vegetarian, party freak etc. However, she was a sweet femme with a cute dimple on her face and her smile lit up my days. What I did was to break my preferences and stop checking boxes. So, I let her in. We started writing to each other and slowly I started liking her and feeling connected to her.

    Few months later, she was here in the US on a business trip, and we met on a beautiful evening of July 2013. I went to pick her up from the airport and I can never forget the moment when her soft beautiful hand first touched mine. Everything just felt right. We had amazing physical chemistry along with that emotional connection. On the third day, she told me that there is a major cyst on her left kidney and showed me the surgical scar on her body. Later that day, she also mentioned that her other kidney is small and is weak as well. I was very worried but I decided to support her through everything.

    She would get tired quickly after our short hikes and gets frequent fever attacks at night.She also had severe mood swings. I was determined to stand by her and support her. I loved her so much.

    She worked 30 day shift and would get 30 day off. This allowed her to spend nearly a month here in the US with me and everything was going perfectly well. Eight to nine months into this relationship, she started giving me hints about marriage.I believe that it is good to take at least two years and know each other well (specifically because we come from two completely different culture) before rushing to marry. I was hoping to take that step by end of 2016. But, she wants me to marry her in one year into our relationship. Since then she started fighting with me frequently and the mental peace began to fade in our relationship.

    One day, on a face time call, I noticed a blister on her lips. I have never seen something like that in my life before, so I asked her what it is and she said she always gets it since she was a child.I googled about it and found out that it is HSV and that it is contagious. I was very upset that she did not tell me about this. But, I loved her so much that I decided we can find a way to work around this. I flew to Dubai two weeks later to meet her. It was beautiful one week time but she had fever throughout. Her kidney cyst was growing in size. I reminded her about her doctor visitations and made her monitor the growth and make healthy adjustments to lifestyle. I stood by her through all of it while managing my work, travel and some health issues that I had related to a nagging neck pain.

    On a December 2014, she had to go through another surgery for stabilizing her kidney and she took that frustration upon me as well. She told me that all of this stress from the relationship worsened her kidney cyst. One moment she will slap me and other moment she will pacify me. One moment she will pull me towards her and next moment she will push me away. A part of me had died and I had no motivation to do something about the marriage. My heart was breaking apart one piece at a time. She would then apologize and then we get back together on yet another roller coaster ride. I always welcomed her back to life whenever she wanted to come back. Big mistake.

    By early 2015, I felt completely alone even after being in a relationship with her. I died to hear a few loving words from her on phone but she mentioned that she will give all her love only if I marry her. And I believed that if a person love another sincerely, then it should not sound like a business deal - marry me and you shall receive love. She visited me again in 2015 (now I know ...for the last time). Although I was not happy in that relationship by that time, I still waited for her at the airport with flowers and brought her home. This time, she got an outbreak. And when I woke up, she was behaving strangely. I told her that it is okay and that we just need to be cautious and refrain from any physical activity and sharing stuffs. But, she felt very insecure. She started accusing me of my fear, and how she does not feel relaxed next to me...etc. She left the house and checked herself into a hotel. I went to the hotel and asked her to come back home. Several intense apologies later, she agreed to come back.

    I was so heart broken at the end of all these events and disconnected me emotionally from her. I booked her a shuttle this time (instead of driving her to the airport) and gave her my last hug. Once she got back to her place, she wrote several apology emails and left many voicemail's. After a two week break, I gave in and embraced her back into my life. I thought things will become better but she started blaming me for being insecure about her Herpes issue - again.

    She hated her 30 days shift and sounded a lot depressed about it. I advised her to look for a new job which will give her enough time to sleep and stay away from field work. I thought that change will help her recover some of her self and I can then bring her to the US once we stabilize our relationship.

    On October 2015, she took up a new job in UAE and since then was complaining to me that I was never there for her and that she is all alone there. I could not leave the country immediately and fly to UAE to help her with buying furniture because of my work emergencies. I told her that I will try to visit in December once I have enough vacation days to do so. But she had already invited her family and friends. I felt that I had no priority in her life anymore. So, I decided to go see my family in India and my ailing father. While I was in India, we had couple of skype calls and at one point she told me she has fever. I ask if she got blisters as I know that when her immunity goes down she usually gets it. Next day, unfortunately, her blister appears and she started blaming me for it. She says that other Emirati women is looking at her like she has some disease and I am the reason for all that!!!!!

    She sent me an apology later. I said it is okay and thought that she may have felt low and this is why she reacted that way. I then reached the US in January and did not find a new year wish from her on my mobile. When I tried to call her, she will not pick up the phone or respond to my texts.

    24 hours later she responded saying she is busy tending to her family and that she does not want to continue in this relationship with me. I requested her to stay but she said that she will not be able to relax next to me because I fear HSV. I tried to tell her that I love her too much to even care about HSV and that we can meet and discuss about it in person instead of these 'texts'. I asked her if I can meet her this March after her friend's have visited her. But she did not want me to visit her. She wants to look for someone new in UAE and does not prefer to be alone. I told her that I can try finding a job in the UAE if that is what she wants and her answer is that it is not worth it.

    With much heart ache I wrote back to her saying I will not bother her again. She then sent the following text to me at night "..you will come in March...it'still 3 months to go and what will be after that? Again back to reality, then why just don't start living in reality and start living now. I will never stop loving you. I respect you and I will never forget you, I was wholeheartedly with you and gave you my heart. But I cant survive like this anymore. Please don't be hurt too much. I'm here if you need talk to me".

    I asked her if she is getting rid of me because she found someone new and her response was " I started to talk to people...chat...but nothing special. I want to make friends".

    She wrote "I saw fear in your eyes when I had outbreak. I feel better to keep you away rather than go through it again."

    Two hours later another text. " I miss you, I still love you, but I don't believe we can be together."
    "you are still not free...you have mum and relatives".
    ( The above lines from her killed me nearly)

    She continued "..you asked to give us chance. I gave us many chances...everytime we had fights I give us chance and did not want to give up, but now i feel too low and I know i won't make you happy. You will not feel love and nothing will change. I am sorry, please try to understand me and please take care of yourself. You are in my hear forever."

    I took my phone and listened to the old voicemail's from her where she was crying and apologizing to me for the fights and asking me to give her another chance. I know that it was not me who started all these fights because I had the sensibility to appreciate her love than to focus on some negativity and ruin this precious life. I wish I could make her understand that to find a new person, to take years worth of time to understand them, is too time consuming. I wish she could just stop being like this, hold my hand, love me and build good memories while time is ticking away..

    So, here I am, three years later, all alone and 35 years old trying to cope, while she is chatting and trying to find new person in her life.

    I look out through my window and it is raining outside. I failed miserably at love. I do not how to make my heart understand that people come and go and that relationships are not stable. I stand like that tree, where birds perches on its branches when it's flowers bloom, and in winter when it stands there cold and frozen, the birds have already left.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You did not fail and from my view you are recovering from an abusive relationship. She slapped you?! Good heavens! It is good she is gone from your life. You have more than hsv to worry about. Such abuse, starting with the emotional blackmails about marriage and blaming you for her health and just about anything is uncalled for. Find some peace and go "phew". I hope you figure out how you got sucked in by her and never go for someone like her again. *hugs*
     
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  3. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

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    I think you only fail at love if you know you have not done your best. Remember, we can only give what we have. And i also think that love can only work out if both of you want your relationship to work whatever the circumstance.

    Dont think so much about your age too. Some people, they find true love later in life. You will be okay. I broke up with my ex for 5yrs when I was 34. Now im turning 36 this year and too scared to go back dating. But still hopeful to find love.

    Hang in there!
     
    #3
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  4. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Thank you for the response and the support. I appreciate it so much. I would like to correct my expression about 'slap'. She never slapped me physically. It was figurative. It was like a push-pull effect where one moment she will try to sabotage our relationship and next moment try to fix it. Then it became a cyclic pattern. It also pushed my limits of my patience and had drove me crazy.

    I am now more than convinced that she will never get back into a relationship with me and that I should start loving myself a little bit more and avoid negotiating with life so easily.
     
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  5. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Thank you so much for the response.
    You are right. We can only give so much and it takes two people with a mutual interest to make the relationship work.

    I still love her, but she thinks it will not work out. I need to respect that and move on. I have no other option. I just do not want to get hurt again or be a cause of stress to her anymore.
     
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  6. aTaurean

    aTaurean Member

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    How are you holding up?
     
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  7. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Hi aTaurean! Thanks for checking on me.
    I am not really well. I tried to distract myself but everything I do hurts me and brings back her memories - watched the movie Carol and could not stop crying like a child, tried listening to country music and that hurts too. Tried to go shopping and her memories, that ice cream shop, that sushi place, those streets - she was there before. I cannot even sit in my own car because she used to be on my right always. Then back to the bedroom, and she was there too. My mom called me and asked me to stay strong. And that hurts too. Break ups are worse than flu especially a break up she says she 'initiated'.

    Not sure how long it will take me to heal, I guess I have to bear this pain all alone and live/pretend as everything is A-OK.
     
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Just like with the flu, you will recover and come back stronger--this helps immunize you to her type. I understand that none of her abuse was physical, it was emotional. It is hard to recognize emotional abuse even when you are a smart, well-educated person. It is hard to believe you were subjected to it, but such things do not just happen like turning on a light. It is subtle at first till you are in someone's lair and the cycle of squeezing/relaxing/more squeezing and apologizing begins. You have dodged one, really. It may not feel like it now but it will when you get back on your feet and even more so when you find someone who is your true mate. You hear this a lot, I know, but it does take time.

    And you are not alone.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    ThenAndNow, I have been thinking about your thread and I would like to bring up a couple things I learned from my own time in therapy. I went through a relationship that was not good for me and I went into therapy for something else I was stressed about. My therapist was able to suss out a few things, the root causes of the problems I was facing as well as my relationship and we spent like a year just working on that. I too felt like a failure even though the relationship was really not good for both of us. As Jane Doe has said about having done your best, I think both of us did. I mean, both of us did the best we knew how. As a result, I took a lot of abuse in that relationship even though, we were nice, thoughtful people. People would never think abuse could happen between two educated, nice and thoughtful people, but it can. What I could do at the time was get out of it and uncover my part in that relationship. I wanted to blame the other person, I wanted to be angry, and I allowed myself that. Then I worked on past things that coloured my thinking in ways that was not healthy. Then I allowed myself to be happy and then there was forgiveness. The forgiveness that allowed us to shake hands, years later when our paths crossed again and we both smiled, and we knew then but not years before, that our parted ways would become joyful ways.
     
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  10. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Thank you Greylin for these words. They are a gift and I feel much stronger now.

    As the proverb goes - Fall seven times, stand up eight.
     
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  11. aTaurean

    aTaurean Member

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    I second what Jane Doe and Greylin wrote here. You gave your best and you have mourned enough. I wish you heal soon and find your soulmate who will stick with you. Good luck and hang in there.
     
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  12. Christy-lee

    Christy-lee New Member

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    I think many of us go through relationships that are similar to yours. Emotional abuse. We love that person so much that we put up with it, when really we should get out as soon as possible. We are blinded by love so we don't see what is really going on til one day you realise what's going on isn't right. By then the damage has been done. You have given so much to this person who has only stepped on your heart. You need to remember that you are a beautiful, strong minded person and you deserve everything. There will be someone out there for you who will treat you like a princess and it will make you realise that what you had was far from the love you deserved.

    You need to be strong, pull up your socks and move forward with your life, knowing that you deserve the very best. Spend your energy on yourself, doing what you can to feel happy again. We really need to love ourselves before we can expect someone to love us back. It is one of the hardest things to do in life but if you can do this while your single (even just working on yourself is better than not) the next person who,comes along you will know straight away what you want from them and if they are the right person for you.

    I wish you all the happiness in the world. Be strong, love yourself because you deserve it!!!
     
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  13. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Thank you for writing. I appreciate it so much.
     
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  14. despicably-delirious

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    Hi, when I read your story I felt obliged to share a piece of wisdom from a good friend of mine. She said that however you feel around a person is a reflection of your relationship. On several occasions in your story you mention in your own words the turmoil you felt. I think you knew it wasn't right for you, even if it was just in your gut and not in your head. I think you didn't fail at love. You wanted to love, and reasonably wait for marriage. If anything, I think you succeeded greatly. I know its hard right now, losing someone you care about and love always is, but try your best to focus on the positives in what you did during the relationship and dont beat yourself up about any kind of failure. Personally, I used my last break up to take time to focus on myself and who I want to be. I also wore out my Taylor Swift album!! =D Maybe when you feel up to it you can set yourself some goals. Sending you a massive virtual hug. Best of luck.
     
    #14
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  15. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Thank you despicably-delirious for the support and the hug.

    It is Day 22 and I am still 'trying' to recover. This has been the worst heart break I ever had. The worst because she never told me that she want to break up!!!! And I was the last person to know this via our common friend, three days ago. [N wrote to one of my ex-ex-GF (sorry for the hyphenated words) and officially announced it to her and this ex-ex-GF informed me that it is INDEED a break up and that N asked her to write to me and check on me!]

    Since then I cannot relax at all and I realize now that it was a planned new year gift from her. I see lot of horrible people at work every single day - mainly professional jealousy. So, after a stressful day at work, this woman was my only reason to smile, and her love helps me de-stress. Now I am swinging like a pendulum between her and loneliness.

    Yesterday I got a call from her on my phone. I pondered for a good five to six hours and did not return her call. I do not want any sympathies. I know she does not like uncertainties. And I believe that if a person can love another unconditionally, everything will fall into place. I thought we had each other no matter how long the distance between us was.

    I do not trust my selection when it comes to a partner anymore. I am a giver and I am very vulnerable to get heart broken again. I trust in love so much but my experience has been very disappointing and frustrating so far.

    On the positive side, I am trying to move on (very very slowly at this point). The rest of this year is going to be all about new beginnings! Fixing my heart and getting my health back. I am learning to be alone, and most importantly, not feeling bad about being alone.

    Once again, thanks for writing @despicably-delirious.
     
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    Last edited: Jan 22, 2016
  16. Springflowers

    Springflowers Member

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    I can feel your pain and understand that you are still hurting. When I read all your posts, I pick up words like 'depressed', 'initiated', 'uncertainty' etc., which to me are signs of unhealthy relationship. I do not understand why she is giving you false hopes by doing these missed calls. You should not fall back into this cycle with her. Try and fully accept the situation first and start loving yourself from this day on. Try to forgive her and don't be too hard on yourself. I don't think you deserve to be alone, so that you can't go back and marinate in your thoughts and feelings at that time. I hope you can find the right girl for you and will give you happiness to the fullest. Keep moving and don't stop!
     
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  17. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    Thank you for writing.
     
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