my girlfriend's friend

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Mingyinator, Dec 25, 2018.

  1. Mingyinator

    Mingyinator New Member

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    hello
    first of all, Im living in south korea and dating with american girl.
    hope you guys understand that my english is not good enough to explain the situation. I just want to see other people's perspective of this situation.
    my girlfriend and I have been together over 5 yrs. we engaged about 2 yrs ago.
    so she is my fiance.
    I have some problem because of her friend.
    my gf and her friend working together at same school as english teacher. her friend is british
    they were always hangout together after work or for the weekend before my girlfriend met me.
    for the information her friend knows shes gay and she is straight.
    long story short. her friend does not like me. when she met me first time cause I asked her age to someone and made face. all I did was said Ahh. we all han ging out at the bar celebrating my gf's birthday suddenly she left. so my gf was looking for her and found out she was angry that I made face. in my defence I was sorry if she fell offended by it.
    I never think that will make her upset.
    so I wanted be nice to her and apologize. but whenever there is moment see each other she is ignore me that Im not there. so I decided not to hang out with all together anymore.
    my gf was so uncomfotable about this situation so she wanted fix it.
    after she came back from vistiing her family from america. she asked me if she can try to hang out with her. I did not want to do it, but I said ok cause I wanted to make girlfriend happy. we did hang out couple of times. but whenever we hang out my girlfriend acting like im not there. she was all care about her friend feeling so much. because she is single did not make her feel lonely. when we usually hangout with other people. we always hold each other hand. it never bothering any of friends before. korea is not really queer friendly country but I didnt care what people think for her. shes became different person when she is with her friend. I just could not understand all the situation why she is so care about her friend. I feel like shes acting like her friends bitch. her friend was very bossy to her. they exchange expensive present for each birthday, christmas and celebrating friendship day. Im so confused , she said It's culture diffrence but I dont agree with it. I asked few other american friends they said Thier friendship is so weird.
    in my opinion I did not think It's health friendship. I just dont understand why my gf dealing with it. she used have good friends but now they dont want to hang out with her because her other friends dont like her friend. one day I talked to my gf's old coworker she said people talked about how my gf became different person because of her friend. she was so positive person before but now she is not that kind of person anymore. my gf is big girl so I want her to be healthy so whenever I make healthy food but whenever she eats healthy food her friend say something about it. like you are going to be so skinny and that is not healthy. blah blah blah. I mean in my opinion If my friend wants to be healthy I would help.
    anyways I was dealing with for 5 yrs. I was reach the limit little bit by little bit. Christmas is family holiday in america but not in here. It's couple thing in korea.
    past 5 yrs I spend time with her for christmas eve cause I could choose my day off. but not this year. I have work on christmas eve because of my coworker's vacation.
    so I told my gf about it. I want to have time with her christmas. but she said she already made a plan with her friend for christmas with out asking me first.
    she said It's family holiday. So I said she is not your family. but she said her friend is her family in korea.
    I was so upset but I did know I cant win this game I said ok to her. at the time I thought I will be ok.
    but after I keep thinking this is not right. It's not fair for me. I cant deal with this anymore.
    I mean Christmas is family holiday she has to ask me first cause Im her fiance.
    So I text her this is not right. I cant deal with this anymore. I feel like Im sharing my gf with someone all the time. after that she hasnt text me for 2 weeks.
    I wanted to know what is going on between us so I text her last night.
    but she was saying what she did for me. instead how can she fix this problem.
    I am very appreciate what shes done for me. for now shes just expecting me deal with this situation. she just like things will get better when we move to america. because her friend is not gonna be there. but I feel like she doesnt want to see my perspective. how much that hurts my feelings. all I want to hear was Im sorry that I made you feel that way I will try things get better so you dont feel that way. but she did not said that. she just said this is culture difference. Do you guys think this is culture difference? I want to hear you guys opinion. What should I do ?
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think the age thing was possibily a cultural misunderstanding. Other than that, holding a grudge for that long is quite awful. There is a problem in your relationship that is not just about her friend though. I think you and your fiance will have a problem when she is with other people even if British girl is no longer around.

    Is your fiance one of those people who likes everyone to get along and not make waves? She sees you as her stable relationship so she is more worried about the ones who are doing not so great? I would not like that if I were in your situation.

    You are right, you are her family and she should at least see that first. She probably thinks you don’t see Christmas as the same importance so she is minding her friend more. She should apologize to you.

    I would not text her on this but talk to her face to face. Tell her she has made this day important for you and she made you feel less than family when you are engaged. Tell her it is not right and she should apologize.

    I am so sorry you are fighting over something like this. Even though her colleague is straight, straight women can get really jealous of their best friend’s other relationships. So it is really the British colleague’s problem and not yours. Your fiance is suffering from the nice girl syndrome. Take care and I wish you guys luck in sorting this out.

    ...btw, I would not talk to your fiance’s colleague and friends about this behind her back because it doesn’t solve the problem and would only make things worse. You have every right to vent but find someone who is not her friend, a mutual friend or works with her. People run their mouths a lot more than we give them credit for.

    You said she brings up what she does for you when you complain. Please make sure you don’t get trapped by what I do for you and what you do for me thing. Direct her focus on this particular complaint. If she is the type who wants everyone ok then she will feel like whatever she does is not enough and will bring up things she has done for you in history. Tell her, I don’t like this thing right now and try not to bring history or her pattern of behavior into this. Good luck.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 25, 2018
    Mingyinator likes this.
  3. Writer23

    Writer23 Active Member

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    The Poet Maya Angelou once wrote that “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” By this I mean, this sounds like a human issue rather than a cultural one. You both love her and want her time and attention. It sounds like she loves you both and wants you all to get alone. If you try to come between her and her friend, you will fail- especially if the friend was there before you. If you truly love this woman and want to make her happy, you will try to find peace with her friend.

    God Bless you and Peace be with you

    Writer
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think the issue is not the British lady but between the OP and her gf. It is ok to let the gf know that OP needs love and attention no matter the circumstance. I think the OP has been eager to make it work and it was not a matter of “coming between 2 friends”. Gosh, they are a couple and you put your gf first and make your friends understand your choice.

    At some point in the relationship past the honeymoon when you both overlook things, you need to put in the work of gently showing your partner how to treat you. It is ok to ask to be put first in my opinion. It is not always possible in every circumstance of course. If my gf feels ignored because I am with a friend I would want to know and make sure to make an effort to hold her hand. Women are usually the more reluctant ones to ask their partners to put them first and I think there lies very unhappy and unhealthy relationships.
     
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