My girlfriend won't tell her parents about me!

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Lari212, May 30, 2015.

  1. Lari212

    Lari212 New Member

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    Hey girls!

    I've been dating my girfriend for about 1 year and 3 months, we have a great connection and my parents really like her but she won't tell her parents she is dating me. I live alone and at this particular moment and she is working in a different city so we see each other once or twice a month, but our plan is for her to move in with me as soon as this project is over. She constantly talks about me to her parents but they think I am just a friend she will share a flat with, she tells me they are conservative and she is afraid to tell them, also she doesn't them to think she's distracted from her career. The thing is she is bi and she is not comfortable with coming out as bi to her parents and even worse as a lesbian, she tells me she never felt what's she has been feeling for me but I don't know how to deal with the fact she's not considering telling them about us. She told me it's not of their business but what kills me is that her ex, who is a men who only wanted to be friends with benefits, she told them! I feel a little frustrated. She is 39 and I'm 30, we have so much fun when we are together, she is very kind, I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of this.

    Any advices girls? Would you be with somebody who is not willing to tell about your relationship to her parents?

    Thank you and have a good day!
     
    #1
  2. Narley

    Narley Well-Known Member

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    Ohhh its a difficult one! This is potentially a problem you can't solve. My advice would be to really REALLY think of how important this is to you. Is her NOT being out to her folks something that you can live with or is it too much of a deal breaker for you. I have been in her situation. Except I was 28 and not out to my folks. I was in a relationship. In the end I broke it off because as I'm really close to my folks I couldn't see us ever being able to have a life together that didn't involve some serious questions from my parents. It gave me the space I needed to be able to REALLY think about what I wanted for my life. I came out to my parents and family three months later. Thankfully my gf and I were able then to pick up where we had left off. Only this time instead of being a secretive relationship we have the blessing of my entire family. It takes so much pressure off. I guess my point is... This is a realisation she has to come to alone. You can't force her to come out. It might happen it might not. Coming out is so individual and no two stories are ever the same. Also there could be serious implications from the parents side of things. How well will they take it? I got lucky with my Christian parents. They were very loving and supportive. Because they knew me so well it made them question their previous views on being gay. And thankfully they came to understand it as I do, that the churches teachings are flawed.
    Anyways I wish you luck...
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    She's 39...old enough to know that she doesn't need parental approval anymore. That she's 39 and still single should be a big tip off to her parents as well -- seriously, good little conservative women surely are married (to a man) and have children by now.

    I'm not of the opinion that anyone should do anything in a relationship that is uncomfortable. I don't believe in forcing someone out of the closet. However, I also believe good relationships are honest ones -- with the caveat being that honesty encompasses not only the people in the relationships but the surrounding circumstances. By denying who she is, she's denying you the opportunity to be open and honest about your life, and thus, she is asking you to live a bit of a lie as well...what will you do when you hit milestones? What will you do if marriage is (or becomes) legal where you are? Don't you want to be able to share those things with the people you care about? With family and friends?

    There has to come a point where her life belongs to her and she stands on her own two feet without fear of reprisal by her parents or anyone else for that matter. At 39, she should be independent and self-sufficient enough to be assertive about who she is.

    The other part of the equation is that you have valid concerns which she is unwilling to address at this point. If she cares for you the way she says she does, then she's got to know that this is a huge concern for you. The longer this relationship goes on as a facade of friendship to the outside world, it's likely that you'll begin to harbor resentment toward her because in a sense, she's denying you what you need out of the relationship. Love isn't everything in a relationship -- it's only one component. You shouldn't have to subordinate your needs to her -- relationships require balancing of both peoples' needs.

    You're going to have to talk to her and make a decision -- is she willing to work toward openness? How long can you handle the relationship being a secret? Is this something you can resolve in time? Rhetorical questions that only you can answer....but the answer lies in how both of you see the future of this relationship.
     
    #3
    Last edited: May 31, 2015
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  4. knickerbockerglory

    knickerbockerglory New Member

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    I am also in this position so i can empathise with your situation. To answer the question 'would you be in a relationship with someone not willing to tell their parents about you?' i would say, never again, no. But i said that after a previous 4 year relationship with another closeted woman. Ultimately, i guess we cant help who we fall for. Im trying to give my girlfriend time, because coming out is a very personal thing, but i honestly dont think that she has any idea of the extent that i am effected by it.
     
    #4
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  5. Lari212

    Lari212 New Member

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    Thank you girls for all your advices!
    Last week my parents were talking to me about this, they think it's very weird that she didn't tell her parents yet after more than one year of relationship and they all mentioned her age just like you all did. I came out when I was 20.
    They think she might me hiding something from me and after they said that, I kind of started wondering myself if they could be right about it. Two weeks ago we were laying on the bed and she was checking her facebook updates and showing me some of her friends, showing what they have been up to, what they were posting and then she started scrolling down the screen, suddenly I saw a post of her ex boyfriend and she hid her phone and stopped checking it.
    I got a little uncomfortable but I didn't say anything about it, she prentended I didn't see it and only asked me if everything was ok.
    The thing is, when I met her she was just ending a relationship with this man, they were having what she called a friendship with benefits, she spend months talking about him to me, how in love she was, how the sex was (very uncomfortable for me to listen to it), she told me about the trip they did together, how on the first date he gave her a rose and so many other things, I went crazy and it was so traumatic because we were starting our relationship.
    She wanted to have a serious relationship with him but he refused, he is my age and they met on tinder, well I guess this is the reason why he didn't want anything serious afterall. The whole thing between them lasted 6 months.

    I'm telling all this to you girls because I never liked this guy for the obvious reasons, my girfriend wanted to keep being friends with him at the beginning of our relationship and we had many fights last year due to this dude, after all the stories she told me it is hard for me to picture them as friends, I told her I couldn't handle this and the told she would stop talking to him for good, they talked a few times before we had this fight and I confronted her, if she told him about me, about us, and she said no, I didn't understand why as she told me she told him she already had a relationship with a woman in the past.
    Now I'm a little suspicious, if she told me the haven't been talking, why is he on her Facebook? Why did she hide her phone that day?
    I'm so confused and I have to admit I'm the jealous type of girl, can't stand exes, i love her, she tells me she loves me, she even helps me with the rent without even being living with me yet, she is very sweet, we talk everyday for hours, today she is away and she sent me a message telling me how much she loves and how much she is thinking of me. I feel sometimes that I'm not grateful for sometimes thinking that she could tell her parents about us and also by thinking she might be talking to her ex without me knowing about it.

    Do you think I should confront her about her ex?
    Sorry if I changed the subject but I feel so confused and I don't want to be ungrateful but I feel lost sometimes.

    Thank you so much for taking the time and reading my post!
     
    #5
  6. knickerbockerglory

    knickerbockerglory New Member

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    I think the fact she was showing you her facebook is a positive thing. When she shut it down when it got to her ex, it might have just been because she knows you are uncomfortable about him and she didnt want to broach the subject again and upset you. I know you say that you are a jealous person, but we cant police who our partners have contact with, that is possesive and controlling. Let her have him on facebook if she wants him on there. Unless she has given you reason to mistrust her in the past, its not fair to just assume she would cheat on you because she shut her facebook down one day.

    I think the fact she makes an effort to help you out with responsibilities that aren't hers, and that she shows and tells you that she loves you everyday is the behaviour of someone that is committed to you. When people are cheating, they usually change their behaviour. At least in my experience anyway. Disinterest, choosing to do things that dont include you, etc.
     
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  7. Lari212

    Lari212 New Member

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    Thank you so much for your response, I feel so much better! You are absolutely right, it's possesive and controlling. I tend to do that out of jealousy sometimes but it has to come to an end. i'm very comitted to her and she has never done anything that gave me reasons to mistrust her. I get paranoid at times but usually I keep it to myself I'm glad i found confort here. My parents really like her and I love my family, when they told me she might be hiding something from me i freaked out and thought about her ex but after i read your message i felt better.
    About telling her parents about us, i will talk to her and try to understand whats really going on, she told me her mother is very open minded and a gay community supporter, so it's hard for me to try to understand why she won't tell at least to her, maybe she can even talk to her father, they together can tell him, I don't know. By the way, they know she helps me with rent because she told them she will move in with me but she wanted to contribute now to not lose the spot, she told them I was looking for someone to share a flat with. It was a lie, i wasnt looking for someone to share, i invited her to move in with me as she was living in another flat and the contracted just ended, i thought we could live together, so she did it but at the same time due to a job project she had to move back to her parents house that is in the same city she is currently working in this project, i didn't want her to started sharing the rent now but she insisted she wanted to help me as she's got all her stuff in my flat.
    its important for me when she moves in with me that her parents know i'm more than just a friend, i'm very transparent and i told my parents about her on our third date and after 3 months they met her.


    Thanks again for the advice!
     
    #7
  8. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, don't move in with her until her parents know. I was in a relationship a few years back with someone who was closeted to her mum. Everyone else in her life knew but her mum. The problem was that her mum was the most important person to her. On top of that, we lived together, it's not easy jumping back in the closet every time they came over.

    It made my parents think less of her for not being out. Not that they don't understand why some people aren't but when you're lucky enough to have parents who are supportive, they don't want you to be someone's secret.

    As for the jealousy, everyone gets jealous. You just need to know the difference between stupid jealously and gut feelings. Stupid jealousy will get you into fights with your gf and makes you not into the best person. Gut feelings can scope out if something's going on that shouldn't.

    I had an ex once who lived with her ex (before me they had been together for about 8 or so years), but I could tell they were just great friends and it didn't bother me. But I've dated someone who made me jealous because they didn't turn out to be a good person and they cheated.

    My point is, if you can figure out the two then it's going to make you feel more secure.

    You have been together over a year, so when you move in with her, it's an important step. Do you want to be jumping in the closet every time her parents come over. To me, you need to be having a serious all cards on the table talk with your gf before you move in together. Otherwise living together isn't going to be awesome (which it should be), it's just going to be stressful.
     
    #8
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  9. Lari212

    Lari212 New Member

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    Thank you so much for your advice!

    My parents are already thinking less of her, they are worried she won't be able to do it and then I will get hurt, they accept her very well and she is very welcome in their house but they don't like the fact she is not open to her parents. To be honest they think she is a coward, I tried to explain it's not easy to come out and that she was afraid but they think their parents probably already know and the more she lives a lie the worst it will get. Her friends already know about us and they are fine about it.
    I will talk to her and see how she feels about coming out to them before we move in, thank you for sharing your experience with me!

    You are absolutely right about the jealousy part and I will try to keep that in mind.

    Thank you!!!
     
    #9
  10. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    My gf is halfway in the closet, her parents still doesn't know about me. I haven't met them because I don't like the idea of being introduced as her friend and until she tells her parents about us, I wouldn't even think of asking her to move in together. Because I don't want to be known as the roommate.

    We haven't been together that long but I know she's the one I want to be with. And I seriously think she feels the same way. I don't want to pressure her into coming out to her parents. I told her to do it when she's ready. Doubts sometimes creep in and I ask myself if she will ever be ready or can I wait until she is. But being her secret is still way better than not being with her. For now. Will I still feel the same way after a year? I don't really know.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is if this is starting to bother you then maybe it's time for you to think hard if this is something you can still live with. Yes you can't pressure her to come out but there are two people in that relationship. If her hesitance to come out is starting to open a lot of questions in your relationship, then maybe, like the others said, you two need to sit down and talk about her plans. Before you start resenting her for not having a plan.

    Edit: I posted before I read your post ^. Sounds like you have a plan now. Goodluck. Keep us posted.
     
    #10
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  11. Farore

    Farore Member

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    I was in your shoes once. My gf of nearly three years was very deep in the closet and I had been out for several years by the time we met (for reference, I'm 29 and she's 30). We were in a long distance relationship and had our own lives. She could be free when she visited me, knowing there was nobody there who knew her in her own life. But when I visited her, I stepped back in the closet, not even really able to even hold her hand in public in case we bumped into someone we knew, even in a city as large and populous as London. I know how frustrating it can be, being back in the closest when you're used to just living your life freely especially when you're in love and not wanting to hide your relationship, but there's only one person who can make the step to come out, and that's her.

    You can't force her to come out of the closet, even if it's something you badly want. It has to come from her and it's something she has to work though. There will be many occasions where you'll have to swallow your words, your pride, your hurt and your feelings. You have to sit down with yourself, have an honest conversation and be really honest with your answers to questions like: is she worth swallowing your hurt? Is she worth sitting in the closet with? Could you sit by and let yourself be known as the friend until she comes out, if ever? Are you willing to weather that storm with her, through thick and thin? I am one of those people who believes that your partner should be the most important person in your life and so the one question I struggled with the most was, are you strong enough to understand that, for now, you are not the #1 person in her life, and won't be until such a point where she comes out? I don't mean #1 person in a selfish or co-dependant sense, more like your partner is the one you're planning to spend your life with, therefore your life decisions should be made with you both and your relationship in mind, not her parents as the main consideration. If the answer to those types of questions is a resounding yes, then stick with her, help her, support and encourage her when she needs it.

    Be there for her because... you are not the only one struggling. Even if she doesn't have any current willingness to come out to her parents, she will be struggling with it on the inside, whether or not she shares that with you. Before my gf came out, I could see the weight of the lie she was living sitting heavy on her shoulders, hear it in her voice when she talked about it, knowing that she wanted to come out but was so afraid of losing her parents and her family that she held the pressure inside and eventually it boiled over and we broke up. She did come out to her parents a few months later, it all went well and we got back together. But from the very beginning of the relationship, I knew she was in the closet, it was my own choice to follow her into it and sit there with her until she got up the courage to walk out of it.

    From someone who was once in your shoes, my point is this: it's alright to be frustrated, hurt and even angry, but not at her. I was never angry with my gf, not even when she broke up with me. If you need to be angry or have negative feelings about something, just be negative about the situation as a whole and try to find a positive in it. The way she was raised is not your girlfriend's fault (and to be honest it sounds like she is still very much under her parents wings if she is still being told, at the age of 39 -!!- that they don't want her to be distracted from her career), but that's just the hand she's been dealt. Everyone has a different hand. You sound like you're really happy with her and she was honest enough to go through her Facebook with you (again, if I'm honest, that was rather a good thing - and the fact that she hid her phone was probably more from embarrassment than anything, she didn't actually hide it from you. I don't think you need to worry).

    To your original question in your first post - would you be with a girl who was not willing to share her relationship with her parents? If I think about my own girlfriend, then my answer would be yes. If we were still sitting in the closet together, a few years on from meeting, I would still be holding her hand.
     
    #11
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2015
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